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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

message from new wife of ex-SO from years ago - what to do?

420 replies

CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:40

I've received a message from someone I don't know personally but I do know she's the new wife of an ex-SO of mine from almost 20 years ago! Not spoken to him for years as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

We were together for 2 years then I met my DH (now divorced etc blah blah).

My ex-BF isn't on FB or other social media and a mutual friend of ours who sees them sometimes out and about mentioned ages ago that his wife was on FB and one night I FB stalked and found them. Just had a brief flick through open photo albums, saw it was of ex-BF but left it at that. I was pleased he'd settled down now and had kids and they both seem happily married so I thought good for them and also both our lives have moved on. I'm happily technically single now but dating someone nice for a couple of months which I think is going somewhere.

Anyway - I found out after we broke up that he cheated on me whilst we were together, I didn't think he had - but he told me after we broke up, just confessed and blurted it out and I was quite hurt about this. He would always ring me on my mobile to check I'd got home ok after a night out with my friends but I knew he was checking to see what I was up to. His DF apparently cheated on and physically abused his DM throughout their marriage and he told me this upset him and affected him as they divorced when he was 10 and he had to attend a family court.

So basically the message from the new DW (they've been married I think approx 8 years) is:-

"Hi - hope you don't mind me messaging you. Hope you are ok. I understand you and XXXX dated a few years ago. take care. XXX (her name)"

Anyway what would you do? Reply? Not reply? I don't wish to open up a can of worms or really get into a convo with her.

OP posts:
nongnangning · 27/04/2021 13:41

@clevercatty Whatever you choose to do with the FB message, you can safely ignore the contact via LinkedIn. LinkedIn is for work. Weirdly something a little bit like what has happened to you happened to me a few days ago, with the message coming via LinkedIn. From almost 30 years ago! I do not want the person in my life, even via professional updates on LI. I thought about how to handle for a couple of days, asked a friend for advice and then decided simply to decline the invite with no message. Which is what I did. It was strangely satisfying to press the 'decline' button. Good luck with getting rid of this unwanted contact.

MarshmallowAra · 27/04/2021 13:43

Three of my controlling, jealous, possessive's exes would not have known about me; one did and she used tknhuve me odd, uncomfortable looks if I saw her ... He's told me done bullshit about I'm finishing with her and her being upset but I bet that's not what happened and I wish she'd communicated with me so when he started on me and said it was only me he was like that with I would have known with certainty it wasn't. I wouldn't have wasted so much time and experienced so much stress. His behaviour contributed to me feeling almost suicidal at one point, which is the opposite of my usual character.

AliceMcK · 27/04/2021 13:45

I’d respond but that’s just me. The way I look at it is if I was in an abusive relationship or had been cheated on and wasn’t certain he was telling the truth I’d want to know if it had happened before. I’d hope someone would respond to me and be honest.

Cushionsnotpillows · 27/04/2021 13:46

Houseofvelour
I would reply. You could be helping her out of what could be an abusive relationship by telling her he's always been like this and it's not just her. 
Yes, this.

Absolutely this. Pretty likely his controlling/abusive tendencies have got worse over time, as they do, and she needs someone to verify she's not going mad from his gaslighting/circle is nice then abusive then nice again. Just you saying yes, he was like that, could be the catalyst to help her get help/leave/change her situation.

I would try to help her with a factual reply. Don't need to get massively involved but you could be of real help to a woman suffering abuse here.

HollowTalk · 27/04/2021 13:47

I'm all for female solidarity, as long as the other woman isn't the OW. I'd reply and would tell her the truth. You don't owe this man anything.

Toomuch2019 · 27/04/2021 13:47

I had a friend in a similar situation and the new partner was checking up on previous abusive behaviour also

Ariannah · 27/04/2021 13:49

Block and ignore imo. This can’t possibly benefit you in any way and it could potentially lead to a load of hassle.

chillied · 27/04/2021 13:52

I would reply, OP, but I wouldn't TYPE anything derogatory about your ex. You won't have control about who sees that, gets copied that etc. You could arrange a time for a phone call or zoom, one that isn't overheard at her end, so you can answer her questions if she is having a hard time but leave no written evidence.

mybonnieliesovertheocean2 · 27/04/2021 13:53

I got a call on my mobile from a unkown female, ended up she was dating a man I had dated briefly around 3 yrs before. I have no idea how she got my number. Turns out she had been dating the bloke for a few years. She had found out he been cheating and in amongst the mess she found my number. I confirmed we had seen each other., wished her well with her future. Felt sorry for her

YoniAndGuy · 27/04/2021 13:54

Honestly I wouldn't even trust a zoom! Face to face only.

Daisylg · 27/04/2021 13:54

Oh I would definitely reply. She obviously is not in a good place if she’s having to message you. He may have hit her and has said the old ‘ I've never done this before but you make me so angry’ and she’s trying to find out if he has done it before. Or regarding how paranoid he is or the gas lighting, if he’s making her think it’s her not him she might be believing it so needs clarification from you. I know it’s not ideal for you, but the odds in her telling him she has messaged you are slim because then he will really be like wowwww your crazy messaging my ex.
if he does ever find out and contact you, don’t allow it and simply say “ it is not my place to lie for a manipulative bully, she asked, I told, if you contact me again I will be ringing the police” .. bullies don’t bother people who stand up to them. Xx

CirclesWithinCircles · 27/04/2021 13:57

Are you sure its not him using her phone to check up on you or play mind games?

saucermilk · 27/04/2021 14:02

What sort of emotional place are you in? She may need your help but are you strong enough to do that?
You can reply but know that you can stop replying at any time.

booboo24 · 27/04/2021 14:03

I would reply saying yes I dated him 20 years ago and then wait. I certainly wouldn't offer the info about him being a jealous and possessive man straight off as like you say, he was young etc. If she asks the that's different. My guess is she suspects he is playing away and she is wondering if you might be the one he's doing it with, maybe based on the fb stalking (I guess sometimes after your done this it shows you up as a friend suggestion) she may be clutching at straws in that way, in which case you could set her mind md at ease, at least about you. If this is the case then you blocking her will only make her more sure that he is. You can block her at anytime.e if you then decide you don't want to be involved. I'd certainly reply at first though

Notaroadrunner · 27/04/2021 14:04

I wouldn't respond. I wouldn't want to invite the drama into my life.

Mummyratbag · 27/04/2021 14:05

Please be very careful, everything about this screams danger. However, she has kids (are they definitely his?) You telling her that it is him not her might be the nudge she needs to get her and the kids away.

However, please be careful

booboo24 · 27/04/2021 14:05

Sorry for the many typos, I am typing quickly as I should be working (think I'll go and get a cup of tea as my mind is wondering!) anyway, hope it made sense!

Iyland · 27/04/2021 14:05

I would reply, if it turns out to be nothing great. If it turns out to be something you could help her.

My cousin was contacted this way and it resulted in her ex being convicted of DV against his new partner as my cousin was able to go to court and back up the allegations by her own experience with him.

I think the person who said only do this if it will cost you nothing is wise though.

ImaginaryCat · 27/04/2021 14:06

If there's any possibility that a woman on the other end of that account needs help to leave an abusive relationship, I absolutely would reach out to her with whatever answers she needs.

me4real · 27/04/2021 14:07

Please chat to her if you feel able, as it comes across as she's starting to think she's being abused/controlled and she wants someone to tell her she's not wrong and give her more info so she can do whhat's best for her and her DC.

the thing I feel badly about - they now have kids - youngish kids I think from the photos I saw, both under 5. I'd hate by my saying something this could cause issues

You wouldn't be the one causing issues, they would be being caused by his actions.

Caszekey · 27/04/2021 14:11

I'd be tempted to reply shortly and factually.

Yes, X is my ex from 20 years ago. What is it you wanted to ask?

Ideasplease322 · 27/04/2021 14:14

I would reply. The most likely scenario is she is either being cheated on or abused (emotionally or physically).

He sounds awful.

You might really help her - even just to tell her she isn’t mad - he has form.

Poor woman - she must be really desperate.

DeclineandFall · 27/04/2021 14:14

I'd find out what she wants. It might help someone. He could be ill like someone upthread said or he could be an abusive arsehole.

TheOrigRights · 27/04/2021 14:17

I've only read your posts OP and the overriding feeling I get is that you don't want to get involved, you're nervous and don't want to dig up the past.

If he was controlling in your relationship it will have taken you time to get over that. Don't drag yourself back down to those dark times for no good reason. You owe this woman nothing. T

NewlyGranny · 27/04/2021 14:18

Yes, I say let her ask. It's unlikely he's now morphed into a respectful, loving partner, isn't it? Far more likely that his jealous and controlling ways have grown over the years.

If you assume that he's abusing her, you won't be far wrong. If you also assume he's trying to gaslight her into believing he's never been like that with anyone else and thinking it must be her fault, you're certainly right!

What do you have to lose by being honest if that's what she asks about? It might give her the courage to give him the push. As long as she doesn't reveal to him what you've said, you have nothing to lose I reckon. Time for some sisterly solidarity?

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