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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

message from new wife of ex-SO from years ago - what to do?

420 replies

CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:40

I've received a message from someone I don't know personally but I do know she's the new wife of an ex-SO of mine from almost 20 years ago! Not spoken to him for years as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

We were together for 2 years then I met my DH (now divorced etc blah blah).

My ex-BF isn't on FB or other social media and a mutual friend of ours who sees them sometimes out and about mentioned ages ago that his wife was on FB and one night I FB stalked and found them. Just had a brief flick through open photo albums, saw it was of ex-BF but left it at that. I was pleased he'd settled down now and had kids and they both seem happily married so I thought good for them and also both our lives have moved on. I'm happily technically single now but dating someone nice for a couple of months which I think is going somewhere.

Anyway - I found out after we broke up that he cheated on me whilst we were together, I didn't think he had - but he told me after we broke up, just confessed and blurted it out and I was quite hurt about this. He would always ring me on my mobile to check I'd got home ok after a night out with my friends but I knew he was checking to see what I was up to. His DF apparently cheated on and physically abused his DM throughout their marriage and he told me this upset him and affected him as they divorced when he was 10 and he had to attend a family court.

So basically the message from the new DW (they've been married I think approx 8 years) is:-

"Hi - hope you don't mind me messaging you. Hope you are ok. I understand you and XXXX dated a few years ago. take care. XXX (her name)"

Anyway what would you do? Reply? Not reply? I don't wish to open up a can of worms or really get into a convo with her.

OP posts:

Notagain20 · 27/04/2021 13:13

She might be wanting to prosecute him or something, I'd reply. Give her factual info if she asks direct questions, but don't offer anything if she doesn't.

4PawsGood · 27/04/2021 13:13

@Houseofvelour

I would reply. You could be helping her out of what could be an abusive relationship by telling her he's always been like this and it's not just her.

Yes, this.

Monsteraobliqua · 27/04/2021 13:14

I would be so tempted not to reply or get involved in case she wants to discuss concerning behaviour in their relationship that you wouldn't really be able to help with and may leave yourself open to becoming a target for problems.

This is all based on conjecture as we don't know what she wants but consider the value you could add compared to the potential for disruption to you:

if he is being controlling to her, that's awful but I don't think that she should reply on your decades-old experiences to validate it and determine her actions. As for cheating, I'm not condoning it at any age but his actions 20 years ago might have been the start of a pattern but equally could have been an immature idiot with bad examples in his family and could have grown out of it. Since you may have popped up as a recommended friend, she may think it's you. If this became a 'thing' then it could affect your relationship which sounds like it is going nicely.

If you do reply, state that you dated 20 years ago and haven't been in touch since so you're not sure how much you can help her but will answer what you can. Bear in mind that if she repeats your answers to him, he may want to defend himself and talk to you.

Similarly it could be something a lot more innocuous such as to see if you are in touch with an old friend before a surprise birthday party or something like that but do consider whether you want to get involved with potential unpleasant stuff before deciding to reply.

BlueVelvetStars · 27/04/2021 13:17

I wouldn't reply to either messages.

FuckyouCovid21 · 27/04/2021 13:18

So you essentially admitted then hmm

@CervixHaver do you know what that emoji means because it certainly doesn't mean the poster admitted to an affair

Swordfish1 · 27/04/2021 13:19

If it were me, I would reply. You have no animosity towards her and she is obviously needing to ask you something, and she has been polite in her message to you.
It may have taken her alot of courage to message and she may be dealing with something she just needs a simple answer on to clear up. Her first message does not sound like she has any issues with you.

See what she wants and then you can choose to answer her question. Or not.

Like others have said, keep it factual only to what you know about him when he was with you.

Brieminewine · 27/04/2021 13:19

I think you should reply and see what she wants, she’s reaching out to you, if he is still emotionally abusive like you said he was, she may not have anyone else to help her.

blueangel19 · 27/04/2021 13:21

But it seems that she would know him more than you? They have been together for longer. Very odd.

Swordfish1 · 27/04/2021 13:22

Or it could simply be a case of her trying to track down some old friends of his to invite to a celebration (or perhaps a death in the family and she is trying to contact people who may need to know).

Perhaps he has died or has a terminal illness and you are in his will or something. Who knows. But you'll never know if you don't reply with a simple, how can I help.

Peachee · 27/04/2021 13:23

I would reply politely and ask what she wants to know.. if it’s something you feel comfortable answer then fine but if not just don’t answer.. you always have a choice as to answer or not at any point of the conversation.. If it makes you feel uncomfortable block and delete..

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 27/04/2021 13:23

If i could help another woman after what my ex put me through id do it in a heartbeat.

Waiting423 · 27/04/2021 13:25

I’d reply politely and tell her you were in a relationship 20 years ago then just leave it and see what she does . I wouldn’t volunteer anything else though unless she asks and I’d keep it very limited if she did .

lurkingfromhome · 27/04/2021 13:25

Given the number of horrendous news stories around re abuse, coercive control etc., I think in this case I'd put all my misgivings aside and try to help in some way. By help, I mean answering her questions honestly and factually.

Obviously you have no obligation to do so, but I do feel it's only through women in these situations being believed and supported that all this toxic male behaviour has any chance of being stamped on.

TagsMum · 27/04/2021 13:26

@lurkingfromhome

I completely agree with this ^^

CervixHaver · 27/04/2021 13:27

@lurkingfromhome

THIS!!!!

MarshmallowAra · 27/04/2021 13:32

Very very controlling and possessive/jealous.

Please answer her questions and tell the truth.

I've been in a relationship like this and if helps beyond belief fir s previous partner to confirm its him and not you.

He'll have been brainwashing and gas lighting the shit out of he'd that it's her fault (of its normal)

MMmomDD · 27/04/2021 13:32

@CleverCatty

I’d still talk to her. Maybe rather than doing harm - that would help her feel better.
Whatever it is that she is grappling with. Maybe she found some memento of you, maybe she suspects he’s been in contact, etc.

I personally don’t think drunk dialling or showing up at your work after break up is abusive - more a young, inexperienced and impulsive person dealing with relationship breakup. Back in those days emotions seemed so over the top, in my recollection.
Many of us possibly have done something questionable post breakup in our youth. Our current partners are unlikely to judge us for that now.

MarshmallowAra · 27/04/2021 13:34

if he is being controlling to her, that's awful but I don't think that she should reply on your decades-old experiences to validate it and determine her actions.

To the contrast the fact that he's been doing it for decades completely confirms what he's like, and that he won't change.

MarshmallowAra · 27/04/2021 13:35

*to the contrary

Tal45 · 27/04/2021 13:35

I don't think I'd volunteer any information without her asking - she might have some really random reason for contacting you totally unrelated to him being controlling or not that nice. I would respond though as you can always block her at a later date if needed.

MarshmallowAra · 27/04/2021 13:37

Men like that don't change.

They just keep moving through victims fir as long as the women don't realise and/or put up with it.

This could help her break free.

JediGnot · 27/04/2021 13:37

Male perspective... really not sure what to say.

I'd ask yourself the extent you can be bothered, the extent that you are scared, the extent to which your ex was young and you're willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and the extent to which you think he may still be controlling, the extent to which you want to do a random woman a favour.

I think I'd be sorely tempted to respond in one of two ways -

(1) A polite message saying "he's an ex from years back, I don't know you, I am blocking you now on all social media - please do not contact me again. Sorry."

(2) Give her your honest opinions as a favour.

If you wanted to be mischeiveous you could say "I'd love to answer you question but even though it's years down the line I am not willing to say anything about him because I really don't want him ringing me up shouting at me which I fear he may do if I speak to you."

JediGnot · 27/04/2021 13:38

I should add - morally you surely have a bit of an obligation to be honest with her (whilst stressing you were fairly young and hope and expect he's grown up a bit - she'll know whether he has or not).

CornishGem1975 · 27/04/2021 13:40

I absolutely could not ignore this. The curiosity would kill me. Reply, you don't really have anything to lose?

Greenmarmalade · 27/04/2021 13:40

Please try to help her by responding, if you feel up to it and feel it would be safe doing so.

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