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Original poster

message from new wife of ex-SO from years ago - what to do?

420 replies

CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:40

I've received a message from someone I don't know personally but I do know she's the new wife of an ex-SO of mine from almost 20 years ago! Not spoken to him for years as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

We were together for 2 years then I met my DH (now divorced etc blah blah).

My ex-BF isn't on FB or other social media and a mutual friend of ours who sees them sometimes out and about mentioned ages ago that his wife was on FB and one night I FB stalked and found them. Just had a brief flick through open photo albums, saw it was of ex-BF but left it at that. I was pleased he'd settled down now and had kids and they both seem happily married so I thought good for them and also both our lives have moved on. I'm happily technically single now but dating someone nice for a couple of months which I think is going somewhere.

Anyway - I found out after we broke up that he cheated on me whilst we were together, I didn't think he had - but he told me after we broke up, just confessed and blurted it out and I was quite hurt about this. He would always ring me on my mobile to check I'd got home ok after a night out with my friends but I knew he was checking to see what I was up to. His DF apparently cheated on and physically abused his DM throughout their marriage and he told me this upset him and affected him as they divorced when he was 10 and he had to attend a family court.

So basically the message from the new DW (they've been married I think approx 8 years) is:-

"Hi - hope you don't mind me messaging you. Hope you are ok. I understand you and XXXX dated a few years ago. take care. XXX (her name)"

Anyway what would you do? Reply? Not reply? I don't wish to open up a can of worms or really get into a convo with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

CleverCatty · 30/04/2021 13:13

@BobbidyBob

😂 You don’t get to post on a public forum and then tell people to butt out when you don’t like what they say.

You think I don't know that??!!

But you my dear are not liking what I say and obvs troll hunting.

As Butitwasherdriveway says - I owe you nothing.

Who pissed in your cornflakes yday and today eh??

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/04/2021 13:26

I don't believe you either, OP. You are loving the drama. Anybody not wanting to get involved... just wouldn't. You chose to, your prerogative, but when you post things like you're 'backing away now' and then don't, expect posters to mention it. Not everybody is cheerleading your approach and of those who do, not everybody cares whether it's a good or bad outcome, real or imagined, just as long as you keep going with 'updates'. That's fine but you don't have the right to needle other posters without comment.

This thread keeps popping up on threads I'm on and I was baffled why? Because I took what you said at face value and was wrong. Who cares? It'll reach 1000 posts from goggle-eyed cheerleaders, or will just fizzle as all threads do. I hope you got from it what you were looking for.

BobbidyBob · 30/04/2021 13:27

I don’t think you’re a troll, so if you’re trying to get my comments removed then don’t bother - I just don’t think you’ve done the morally right thing here at all.

crackingcrackers · 30/04/2021 14:00

@CleverCatty, I absolutely do think you've done the right things. I think you'll have given her at least a little bit of self belief back. And I think its great that you haven't left her hanging by putting her in touch with your friend. When someone's in that sort of situation it can feel like their head is spinning and it's good to have a sounding board who has some sense of the situation or person. I'm glad you've updated too as my heart really goes out to the wife and it's nice to hear that she isn't alone going through this.

Regardless, its done. The ones who seem to be scrabbling up their pile of soap boxes screeching about how you're only here for the drama seem not to be noticing their own hypocrisy!

Original poster

CleverCatty · 30/04/2021 14:01

@BobbidyBob

I don’t think you’re a troll, so if you’re trying to get my comments removed then don’t bother - I just don’t think you’ve done the morally right thing here at all.

You do seem to be suggesting I'm a troll. Whatever.

OP posts:

Original poster

CleverCatty · 30/04/2021 14:10

[quote crackingcrackers]@CleverCatty, I absolutely do think you've done the right things. I think you'll have given her at least a little bit of self belief back. And I think its great that you haven't left her hanging by putting her in touch with your friend. When someone's in that sort of situation it can feel like their head is spinning and it's good to have a sounding board who has some sense of the situation or person. I'm glad you've updated too as my heart really goes out to the wife and it's nice to hear that she isn't alone going through this.

Regardless, its done. The ones who seem to be scrabbling up their pile of soap boxes screeching about how you're only here for the drama seem not to be noticing their own hypocrisy![/quote]
thanks - you do see where I'm coming from.

I've noticed in the past from a couple of posters here LyingWitchIntheWardrobe that some of their advice or comments has been debatable at best - but it's never been aimed at me until now so I've scrolled on past.

And I know - exactly - the irony of and hypicrosy of those who are saying I'm only here for the drama. It's not my fault this came up on trending now and I didn't put it in AIBU because it isn't that!

Lying - I got involved because I felt sorry for the wife, she has 2 young girls under 10 and because I know what an utter shit her DH was to me. I listened to her and she listened to me though she spoke the most and it turned out no he has not changed.

I'm also the sort of person who communicates, is empathetic, resilient etc - but I tend to act quickly on things - so if I've updated quickly here, I do it because it's on my mind and I want to get it off my mind. I also like to help people and it's part of my job (no not a counsellor or therapist). I also broke 2 small bones in my foot recently so though I can walk/drive etc I'm less mobile than I normally would be but that means sadly I'm not out loads at the moment.

I don't regret any of what I did at all, I wish I didn't have to see the wife's messages, but I did see them both and I replied. I think I'd have to be a pretty heartless bitch not to reply given our mutual history.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/04/2021 14:19

CleverCatty, respectfully, you don't have a history with this man. It was over 20 years ago - she has 8 years of marriage to him under her belt. It seems nonsensical on her part to contact you. That said, you really have no idea of what's going on in their marriage, you have what she has told you.

None of that matters, it's your thread and even if I raised an eyebrow at your updates, you're free to make them. It was your comment to BibbyBob that I thought was 'off' and said so.

I'm sorry about your foot, hope it's healed soon.

crackingcrackers · 30/04/2021 14:35

None of us on here have any experience of the individuals in the threads we are commenting on!

Original poster

CleverCatty · 30/04/2021 15:57

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

None of that matters, it's your thread and even if I raised an eyebrow at your updates, you're free to make them. It was your comment to BibbyBob that I thought was 'off' and said so.

I'm sorry about your foot, hope it's healed soon.

I have 2 years of history and living with him thanks a lot. Not much I know but his wife told me he's told her he's had about 3 SO's/GF''s before he met her including me.

And, though it seems nonsensical on her part she did contact me - because we have a mutual friend!

The wife doesn't know details of his other exes therefore she has no idea what he's like apart from what he tells her and his mates and their wives tell or don't tell her.

I totally agree it's 20 years ago - he could be lovely, he could've matured and be a great guy and not a cheater too - I doubt that v much.

She said she contacted me - because I came up as a friend suggestion on FB, she recognised my unusual first name, realised she couldn't view my locked down FB profile and she curiosity got the better of her, with recent events in her marriage. She also found me on linked in and messaged me. Yes, bizarre but maybe she's been driven mad enough by his antics to contact me in these ways.

She also briefly told me during our chat that his DM, older sister and his DBro and DW though friendly with her all draw rank and say little or not much about exes or his past behaviour (as they would do really), so again, she has no idea.

Thank you re my foot - it was bloody painful but at least I can walk on it compared to recently.

OP posts:

Sargass0 · 30/04/2021 16:43

So in your opening post it was

as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

and now its because I know what an utter shit her DH was to me.

Talk about changing the narrative to suit your story

Original poster

CleverCatty · 30/04/2021 16:48

@Sargass0

So in your opening post it was

as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

and now its because I know what an utter shit her DH was to me.

Talk about changing the narrative to suit your story

if you've read through my posts - yes we did have a fairly good relationship, I forgot he'd loved in with me for 3 months at the end of our relationship.

But now recollecting on things and recalling stuff I actually realise he wasn't that nice a lot of the time to me too. You know, how you see things/events with rose tinted glasses?

I also was quite spoiled and could give as good as I got.

Funnily enough I'm now going away for the weekend and some of next week - broke a few bones in my foot so forgive me if I'm not logging on here to defend myself yet again which I certainly won't be doing.

Have a lovely Bank Holiday weekend all

OP posts:

Sargass0 · 30/04/2021 17:02

Enjoy your weekend and thanks for letting us know that the drama has now faded and we don''t have to wait with anticipation for the next update.

MarshmallowAra · 30/04/2021 17:13

@Sargass0

So in your opening post it was

as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

and now its because I know what an utter shit her DH was to me.

Talk about changing the narrative to suit your story

She also said he was extremely and jealous .. Talk about cherry picking to get at an op

MarshmallowAra · 30/04/2021 17:14

*extremely controlling/possessive and jealous

Namechangearoo · 30/04/2021 17:31

OP says she’s off again... I give it 10 minutes before we get an UPDATE

Tistheseason17 · 30/04/2021 17:41

@Namechangearoo

OP says she’s off again... I give it 10 minutes before we get an UPDATE

That made me laugh. Totally loving the drama of it.

Namechangearoo · 30/04/2021 18:20

Corrected it for you!

...gets popcorn to await a totally pointless and very long update about how she's right just glad she could help (and share it with MN to be sure everyone tells her she’s amazing).

Tistheseason17 · 30/04/2021 20:13

@Namechangearoo

Corrected it for you!

...gets popcorn to await a totally pointless and very long update about how she's right just glad she could help (and share it with MN to be sure everyone tells her she’s amazing).

🤣🤣🤣

saffy2 · 01/05/2021 08:19

I totally agree with Bob. So many identifying thing here. I would be furious.
ANd you have changed your narrative many times.
I actually think you did the right thing speaking to her. But you absolutely have created the drama in this thread!!!

Iyland · 01/05/2021 19:07

Why say you didn't live together, then briefly and now using it to try and make the relationship more significant than it was? It's odd.

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