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Original poster

message from new wife of ex-SO from years ago - what to do?

420 replies

CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:40

I've received a message from someone I don't know personally but I do know she's the new wife of an ex-SO of mine from almost 20 years ago! Not spoken to him for years as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

We were together for 2 years then I met my DH (now divorced etc blah blah).

My ex-BF isn't on FB or other social media and a mutual friend of ours who sees them sometimes out and about mentioned ages ago that his wife was on FB and one night I FB stalked and found them. Just had a brief flick through open photo albums, saw it was of ex-BF but left it at that. I was pleased he'd settled down now and had kids and they both seem happily married so I thought good for them and also both our lives have moved on. I'm happily technically single now but dating someone nice for a couple of months which I think is going somewhere.

Anyway - I found out after we broke up that he cheated on me whilst we were together, I didn't think he had - but he told me after we broke up, just confessed and blurted it out and I was quite hurt about this. He would always ring me on my mobile to check I'd got home ok after a night out with my friends but I knew he was checking to see what I was up to. His DF apparently cheated on and physically abused his DM throughout their marriage and he told me this upset him and affected him as they divorced when he was 10 and he had to attend a family court.

So basically the message from the new DW (they've been married I think approx 8 years) is:-

"Hi - hope you don't mind me messaging you. Hope you are ok. I understand you and XXXX dated a few years ago. take care. XXX (her name)"

Anyway what would you do? Reply? Not reply? I don't wish to open up a can of worms or really get into a convo with her.

OP posts:
Luddite26 · 29/04/2021 10:53

I was comparing more the poor lady contacting the ex for info rather than thinking he would violently kill his wife.

Myfriendsays · 29/04/2021 11:00

I would reply saying to be honest it was a long time ago and you barely remember the relationship.
Do you really want to get involved in somebody elses relationship and have all the worry that comes with it.

bemusedmoose · 29/04/2021 12:37

Sounds like some form of triangulation or she needs some sort of clarification (ie he is being a twat)

Very odd she knows you dated and is trying to contact you in different ways, especially after so long. Very very odd.

I wouldnt want to do it but I would open that can of worms because it would bother me too much not to know.

Odd that the friend said t check them out on Facebook too... Could be a set up...

Original poster
CleverCatty · 29/04/2021 13:03

@bemusedmoose

Sounds like some form of triangulation or she needs some sort of clarification (ie he is being a twat)

Very odd she knows you dated and is trying to contact you in different ways, especially after so long. Very very odd.

I wouldnt want to do it but I would open that can of worms because it would bother me too much not to know.

Odd that the friend said t check them out on Facebook too... Could be a set up...

I think definitely clarification on how he's behaved - I don't know what triangulation is.

From what she said when we first started speaking when I rang her yday. She did say, "I know you dated him a long time ago and since then we have all moved on", but she also said "he hasn't had that many long term SO's/girlfriends and isn't in touch with the one before you" so I have no one to compare stories with (not that you would anyway. The wife told me basically though they all socialise together and she's friends with them and the wives she said she doesn't trust them but has to stay on a friendly basis with them as they're her DH's friends.

She did also mention briefly to me, there is a close female friend of his (A) who he dated briefly in the past - I knew about this woman to be honest and asked her about it when we all met up when out - she was very nice actually, no threat and they dated briefly when they were younger, but he told me about them dating, she didn't.

Anyway - she wanted to speak to someone who knew him as she said his friends and their wives were very close knit and didn't talk much about exes etc and she felt they all had each others backs and had lied for each other if there were affairs. This ties in with how my mutual friend fell out with them. She also felt that his mates hadn't grown up in some respects, in some they have but a lot they haven't changed. Obvs some are nicer and more moralistic than others.

My mutual friend who knows both of them - only the wife has the FB account - he hasn't and never has had one that was a mistake if I mentioned that in PPs.

My friend and i (the mutual one) when we met up ages ago we got to reminiscing about the past and she said the wife was on FB and a few months later that year (approx 2 years ago I think?) I did snoop because I was curious. I didn't do it whilst we met up because we were both out at the time.

No set up as far as I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 29/04/2021 13:10

@chaosmaker

You are brilliant for getting in touch and it might have felt like a lifeline if she is surrounded by secretive people and doubting herself. The solution offered by the mutual friend is a great idea and means you can now out without abandoning her. It was have taken her a lot of courage to reach out to you in the first place. It's also something that has now been dealt with and you aren't worrying over. Flowers
I don't feel brilliant for getting in touch, it's stirred up feelings in me to be honest which I don't like - e.g. how he was to me but also I was a bit of a cow at times to him.

There's no regrets on my part, he certainly wasn't the love of my life and I met my lovely DH (now ex-DH) after I dated this man (SO) so I've certainly moved on. My life is good now, I have the nice beginnings of a relationship with a lovely new man.

My mutual friend is happy to meet with her but I did warn her maybe not to get too involved and I said fairly bluntly to her that I didn't want issues coming my way with it grief etc as I can do without this. I said I was happy to talk to the wife as a one off but that was as far as it went from people's views on MN.

I really hope the wife gets answers she needs or goes to Relate or whatever she needs and their lives can be resolved.

It was odd she messaged me in the ways she did but I can kind of see why now. Secretive people especially if they lie and weave webs of lies around others are the worst. I kind of guessed this happened whilst we were in a relationship but never had proof and I lived the other side of London and no social media back then so no way of checking things out like now! Like a mug, I trusted him completely. But I don't feel bitter about what happened, it happened, I was young and so was he. I agree it took a lot of courage for her to reach out to me, I felt for her when I was speaking to her yday as she really did sound nice and genuine and I don't know if I could do what she did, contact an ex of a DH of mine and ask to speak to them, she must be pretty desperate to reach out.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 29/04/2021 13:11

@bemusedmoose

Sounds like some form of triangulation or she needs some sort of clarification (ie he is being a twat)

Very odd she knows you dated and is trying to contact you in different ways, especially after so long. Very very odd.

I wouldnt want to do it but I would open that can of worms because it would bother me too much not to know.

Odd that the friend said t check them out on Facebook too... Could be a set up...

Ah just saw meaning of triangulation and sounds what this is what she needs/wants from me re him...
OP posts:
BobbidyBob · 29/04/2021 13:23

Stop giving out this poor woman’s relationship information on the internet! You asked for advice when this all kicked off, received it and met her - there is no need to rehash identifying conversations now and make it painfully obvious if she or her friends come across it, or your ex.

Seadad · 29/04/2021 14:25

@BobbidyBob there is hardly anything very identifying there is there - could be almost anyone!

ElleMac44 · 29/04/2021 14:37

Leave well alone! If it's about his behaviour then she will use what you tell her to him and no good will come of it, you don't want an angry ex on your doorstep. Walk away!

BobbidyBob · 29/04/2021 16:45

[quote Seadad]@BobbidyBob there is hardly anything very identifying there is there - could be almost anyone![/quote]
Do you honestly not think the ex or one of his pals/wife’s pals would recognise himself from the very detailed description of his personality, relationship status, friendship circle, behaviour that indicates cheating, even a holiday he shared with OP?! How do you think that’d go down with him after being discussed on a forum and his wife’s messages to his ex being detailed? Someone who in the past has been abusive? Is it worth the risk? People tripping over themselves to tell the OP how lovely she is when all I can think is how much potential danger she is putting the wife in. I’m sure she’ll come back now and say she’s changed details but unless she’s changed so much that we’re commenting on a completely fabricated story, there is more than enough there for someone with a history of emotional abuse to use against his current wife.

BobbidyBob · 29/04/2021 16:49

She’s even put locations FFS. I have no issue with the premise of the post but to continue to share and muse on the content of their conversation is well off. Especially when OP has the audacity to ask the wife to keep what she said in confidence!!

me4real · 29/04/2021 17:33

None of what OP has put is rare and identifying. There are a lot of crap men around who cheat or are controlling or whatever. There could probably be millions of suspects.

There also are a fair few women who contact their partner's exes to get the other side of the story/confirmation of their intuition etc.

Seadad · 29/04/2021 18:09

Could even be my wider circle of fiends to be honest!!

Theunamedcat · 29/04/2021 18:23

@BobbidyBob

She’s even put locations FFS. I have no issue with the premise of the post but to continue to share and muse on the content of their conversation is well off. Especially when OP has the audacity to ask the wife to keep what she said in confidence!!
This is really a common scenario my exes fiance reached out to me similar circumstances 🤷‍♂️
BobbidyBob · 29/04/2021 19:00

If you were the wife, would you not be horrified to find this online? Especially if the person who you spoke to requested that YOU keep what THEY said confidential?

me4real · 29/04/2021 19:58

@BobbidyBob It's really not identifying and everyone involved is anonymized.

BobbidyBob · 29/04/2021 20:02

I disagree but everyone’s entitled to their opinion. It’s a risk I wouldn’t take and it seems cruel to continue to share information when OP has got her advice and it’s now just descending into gossip 🤷🏼‍♀️

expat101 · 30/04/2021 00:33

Posters have asked for an update BobbidyBob...

Butwasitherdriveway · 30/04/2021 02:58

@expat101

Posters have asked for an update BobbidyBob...
And? OP owes you zilch
BobbidyBob · 30/04/2021 07:55

Oh well if people who aren’t involved want an update, then OP is obviously obliged Hmm

Original poster
CleverCatty · 30/04/2021 10:41

@BobbidyBob

She’s even put locations FFS. I have no issue with the premise of the post but to continue to share and muse on the content of their conversation is well off. Especially when OP has the audacity to ask the wife to keep what she said in confidence!!
In all possible sense of the word - butt out.

The locations could and be anyone.

No one would know, she doesn't use MN etc. In fact hardly anyone I know uses MN apart from someone I know who knew I used it.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 30/04/2021 10:50

@me4real

None of what OP has put is rare and identifying. There are a lot of crap men around who cheat or are controlling or whatever. There could probably be millions of suspects.

There also are a fair few women who contact their partner's exes to get the other side of the story/confirmation of their intuition etc.

I'm pleased I spoke to her and pleased I have put my mutual friend in touch with her (I see mutual friend approx 1 x a year due to distance and covid etc).

It was the fact that my ex (yes it was years ago) has had few long term relationships that meant the wife contacted me - yes they were strange opening messages. It would be a pity if he has cheated on all of us especially during his marriage and yes it was 20 years ago but these things happen.

I'm now leaving our mutual friend and the wife to talk between themselves and meet for a coffee if they wish. I am now bowing out of this and don't really want an update. I appreciate its upsetting for the wife especially if she finds he has cheated and wishes to divorce.

But I am pleased I spent an hour listening to her and giving my side of the story. I'm not saying I'd do it again in a hurry but if I could help her, then I am happy to have to have done so.

OP posts:
BobbidyBob · 30/04/2021 12:32

😂 You don’t get to post on a public forum and then tell people to butt out when you don’t like what they say.

BobbidyBob · 30/04/2021 13:08

Funnily enough I won't update here afterwards as I don't want this to seem like an episode of Hollyoaks.

Then less than an hour later we get a brief update followed by an absolute essay helpfully titled UPDATE.

I've worked as a Legal Sec in solicitors firms where there are divorce and family cases and they can be upsetting and drama ridden to work on so you have to disengage from them which can be harder than it sounds.

I'm now going to duck out of this.

But not enjoying the drama, noooo. This poor woman, she chose the wrong person to trust with her problems. Luckily, despite not knowing her a week ago, you are now 100% sure she’s not on MN. You might have initially come for advice but you’re staying for all the MN aunties to tell you what a wonderful person you are (although you’re already pretty self-congratulatory). I’ll never change your mind so I’ll leave the thread here, and hope you are right and the wife never stumbles across this while looking for advice online or similar.

Original poster
CleverCatty · 30/04/2021 13:11

@BobbidyBob

Funnily enough I won't update here afterwards as I don't want this to seem like an episode of Hollyoaks.

Then less than an hour later we get a brief update followed by an absolute essay helpfully titled UPDATE.

I've worked as a Legal Sec in solicitors firms where there are divorce and family cases and they can be upsetting and drama ridden to work on so you have to disengage from them which can be harder than it sounds.

I'm now going to duck out of this.

But not enjoying the drama, noooo. This poor woman, she chose the wrong person to trust with her problems. Luckily, despite not knowing her a week ago, you are now 100% sure she’s not on MN. You might have initially come for advice but you’re staying for all the MN aunties to tell you what a wonderful person you are (although you’re already pretty self-congratulatory). I’ll never change your mind so I’ll leave the thread here, and hope you are right and the wife never stumbles across this while looking for advice online or similar.

If you doubt what I say etc or think I'm a troll then report.

She may be on MN who knows?

You sound pretty bitchy to me - has no one ever helped you out or told you you're nice?

I am NOT enjoying the drama but I posted updates here.

OP posts: