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Original poster

message from new wife of ex-SO from years ago - what to do?

420 replies

CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:40

I've received a message from someone I don't know personally but I do know she's the new wife of an ex-SO of mine from almost 20 years ago! Not spoken to him for years as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

We were together for 2 years then I met my DH (now divorced etc blah blah).

My ex-BF isn't on FB or other social media and a mutual friend of ours who sees them sometimes out and about mentioned ages ago that his wife was on FB and one night I FB stalked and found them. Just had a brief flick through open photo albums, saw it was of ex-BF but left it at that. I was pleased he'd settled down now and had kids and they both seem happily married so I thought good for them and also both our lives have moved on. I'm happily technically single now but dating someone nice for a couple of months which I think is going somewhere.

Anyway - I found out after we broke up that he cheated on me whilst we were together, I didn't think he had - but he told me after we broke up, just confessed and blurted it out and I was quite hurt about this. He would always ring me on my mobile to check I'd got home ok after a night out with my friends but I knew he was checking to see what I was up to. His DF apparently cheated on and physically abused his DM throughout their marriage and he told me this upset him and affected him as they divorced when he was 10 and he had to attend a family court.

So basically the message from the new DW (they've been married I think approx 8 years) is:-

"Hi - hope you don't mind me messaging you. Hope you are ok. I understand you and XXXX dated a few years ago. take care. XXX (her name)"

Anyway what would you do? Reply? Not reply? I don't wish to open up a can of worms or really get into a convo with her.

OP posts:
summersolstice43 · 27/04/2021 14:22

years and are married then what could she possibly need to know? I'd reply and ask what questions she has and state that as it was over 20 years ago when you were together your memory might be a bit hazy.

summersolstice43 · 27/04/2021 14:22

Sorry first part of my sentence got cut off. "If they have been together 8 years and are married" its meant to say

saraclara · 27/04/2021 14:24

@Caszekey

I'd be tempted to reply shortly and factually.

Yes, X is my ex from 20 years ago. What is it you wanted to ask?

Yep. And after that I would say that I'm not prepared to commit anything to text/writing. That if she wants to ask difficult questions, you are only prepared to discuss them in person.

If you're not prepared to meet her, then say that you'd like to answer but that you are fearful of repercussions, so cannot.

Doghead · 27/04/2021 14:27

I think you're making waaay to much of this than you need to. You seem to be enjoying the possibility of a bit of drama.

I'd just completely ignore the whole thing. Do not respond to any of her messages. Whatever is going on in their life is absolutely nothing to do with you. Why would you even want to get involved? It's not your job to 'warn' her about him.

alphajuliet123 · 27/04/2021 14:28

@summersolstice43

years and are married then what could she possibly need to know? I'd reply and ask what questions she has and state that as it was over 20 years ago when you were together your memory might be a bit hazy.
This ^ Message her but let her do the talking, and keep your replies concise/vague because it was a long time ago.
Fourstonesmash · 27/04/2021 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lampzade · 27/04/2021 14:31

Just ignore this message. Op

ohgenome · 27/04/2021 14:40

I'd assume he'd died and she wanted people wo knew him to know - hence lack of information in initial "reach out"

GilbertsLuckySocks · 27/04/2021 14:41

It’s marking territory in a very polite way.

She’s letting you know in her message that you’ve clearly been looking at her profile else you wouldn’t have come up as a ‘friend suggestion’.

There’s no need for a relationship between you both, and if she wanted to share something with you, she’d have already said.

Mark the message with a received receipt, and forget about it.

anon12345678901 · 27/04/2021 14:42

I wouldn't reply, you don't know if any fall out could come back on you. I say that as someone who has been in an abusive relationship, so I do feel for her possible situation but in reality no one here knows she is being abused or what she wants.
I would just ignore and delete the messages.

Procrastination4 · 27/04/2021 14:42

@FuckyouCovid21

So you essentially admitted then hmm

@CervixHaver do you know what that emoji means because it certainly doesn't mean the poster admitted to an affair Confused

@Fuckyoucovid21

It looks like CervixHaver is making a habit of misinterpreting and indeed even misreading posts today! She accused a poster on another thread (in Relationships) of asking the OP how old she was, insinuating the poster was being passive aggressive when in fact the poster had asked “How are you?” That poster had actually posted a nice message, not one bit unsupportive of OP yet CervixHaver totally took it up the wrong way. Looks like she’s done it again here! (Like you, I assumed the 😂😂😂 response was the fact that the accusation was so ridiculous .)

notagainmummy · 27/04/2021 14:43

She is clearly not happy in the marriage and doesn't trust him, so want to fact check with previous gfs. I would want to tell her the truth but as sure as eggs is eggs, she with drop you name into the mix. She owes you nothing. You will end up drawn into a drama you don't need. I'd be very wary of responding.

Eruss · 27/04/2021 14:43

Not rtft yet but if you were having a nose on her page then you will come up on her suggested friends list.

Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 14:44

@Doghead

I think you're making waaay to much of this than you need to. You seem to be enjoying the possibility of a bit of drama.

I'd just completely ignore the whole thing. Do not respond to any of her messages. Whatever is going on in their life is absolutely nothing to do with you. Why would you even want to get involved? It's not your job to 'warn' her about him.

I'm really not enjoying the possibility of a bit of drama.

She has messaged me twice on 2 different social media/contacting mediums - I didn't message her. All I did was look at her FB profile, that's it.

The mutual friend of ours who sees them out and about occasionally doesn't even mix that much with them, has met the DW a handful of times but certainly not a close friend of theirs, she's a friend of mine - but as lives the other side of London (suburbs) we don't catch up much in person. Like I said, last time she was over - I think a year or so ago we swapped gossip about exes and she mentioned this man, my ex-SO and told me about his newish wife and her name - and yes I stalked her FB once.

I was very pleased he'd moved on and was married, supposedly happily and was happy to park it there.

She's now messaged me and it would seem she's left it a while if I FB stalked him approx 1-2 years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 14:44

@Eruss

Not rtft yet but if you were having a nose on her page then you will come up on her suggested friends list.
I know that...
OP posts:
saraclara · 27/04/2021 14:45

If she's tried to contact you through two different media, I suspect she's really having problems. I don't think I could ignore that, in case she's at risk. But I'd be super cautious, and not communicate anything negative in any way that leaves a trail.

Bluedeblue · 27/04/2021 14:47

I absolutely would reply. My ExH was a cheat and sometimes domestic abuser. I have never met his current GF, but if she needed info from me, I would absolutely give it. The guy I dated after ExH, was (I think) cheating on his GF with me. He told me she was his best friend, but I see from social media they are now married, which seems a bit suspect to me, even though I believed him at the time. What is also suspicious to me is that he is not her friend on FB, and any pics she posts of him and their baby, it's only ever non identifying of him (back of the head for eg). I'd bet he's cheating on her again. If she texted me to ask when we dated, I would tell her.

ladycarlotta · 27/04/2021 14:50

I think if it's set your spidey senses off re the potential for abuse, then you should trust your gut and see what she wants. If it turns out to be a whole lot of nothing, then you can block her and move on. But given that your mind immediately jumped to her potentially being in trouble, and she's tried to contact you twice, I'd hear her out.

Of course it is not your responsibility to engage with this stranger, and you've every right to keep this whole thing out of your life. That would not make you a bad person at all. But it seems like your instincts are alert to something not being right.

Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 14:51

@notagainmummy

She is clearly not happy in the marriage and doesn't trust him, so want to fact check with previous gfs. I would want to tell her the truth but as sure as eggs is eggs, she with drop you name into the mix. She owes you nothing. You will end up drawn into a drama you don't need. I'd be very wary of responding.
exactly - knowing my chances she'll drop my name into the mix and then all hell will break loose.

My ex - yes - back in those days as someone says it was more dramatic (in your 20s) but even before then he threatened to turn up at my work and cause drama. He put me down all the time we were together, in fact I developed nervous eczema on the backs of my knees as he constantly got at me, wanted me to dress a certain way etc. He was so jealous and controlling that when I dumped him I was a nervous wreck, crying lots and had to go on Prozac to calm down and had a short spell of counselling.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 27/04/2021 14:51

No point in raking up the past,as in, if she is having problems with this ex of yours,and want's some info about his past.. I would not get involved,or even reply to her. Some women do these kind of things,like snooping things, if that is what this is. It's very immature.

Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 14:53

@saraclara

If she's tried to contact you through two different media, I suspect she's really having problems. I don't think I could ignore that, in case she's at risk. But I'd be super cautious, and not communicate anything negative in any way that leaves a trail.
I am super cautious. He wasn't that nice when it came to having a go at people.

I was an outgoing person before I met him and didn't know much about jealous, controlling relationships. All my friends I told about him when I was in a relationship with him and after didn't believe that I/he could get that bad re control...

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 14:54

@GilbertsLuckySocks

It’s marking territory in a very polite way.

She’s letting you know in her message that you’ve clearly been looking at her profile else you wouldn’t have come up as a ‘friend suggestion’.

There’s no need for a relationship between you both, and if she wanted to share something with you, she’d have already said.

Mark the message with a received receipt, and forget about it.

but in the linked in message which she sent afterwards, she wants a chat with me, which the FB messenger one didn't say?
OP posts:
KihoBebiluPute · 27/04/2021 14:55

I think I would message back saying "I would prefer not to get involved in any kind of drama and that would include having a chat with you about XXXX or answering questions. I wish you both well but have no wish for any further contact."

However NB I know that on Facebook if you reply to a message that opens up more of your data to be visible to the person you message - if there is less sensitive personal info about you on Linked in than on FB then send the message via that platform.

PegasusReturns · 27/04/2021 14:58

My curiosity wouldn’t allow me to ignore.

But regardless I don’t think there’s any harm in finding out what she wants.

wingsnthat · 27/04/2021 15:00

I don't think I could ignore that, in case she's at risk.

The police exist?

It’s unfair to pin him being abusive on OP to sort out; this woman has other options. I certainly wouldn’t be getting in touch with her as it will only lead to an abusive, controlling, stalker ex getting angry with OP all over again when he finds out. She’s escaped him - she doesn’t need to be dragged back. OP doesn’t need to get involved.