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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

message from new wife of ex-SO from years ago - what to do?

420 replies

CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:40

I've received a message from someone I don't know personally but I do know she's the new wife of an ex-SO of mine from almost 20 years ago! Not spoken to him for years as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

We were together for 2 years then I met my DH (now divorced etc blah blah).

My ex-BF isn't on FB or other social media and a mutual friend of ours who sees them sometimes out and about mentioned ages ago that his wife was on FB and one night I FB stalked and found them. Just had a brief flick through open photo albums, saw it was of ex-BF but left it at that. I was pleased he'd settled down now and had kids and they both seem happily married so I thought good for them and also both our lives have moved on. I'm happily technically single now but dating someone nice for a couple of months which I think is going somewhere.

Anyway - I found out after we broke up that he cheated on me whilst we were together, I didn't think he had - but he told me after we broke up, just confessed and blurted it out and I was quite hurt about this. He would always ring me on my mobile to check I'd got home ok after a night out with my friends but I knew he was checking to see what I was up to. His DF apparently cheated on and physically abused his DM throughout their marriage and he told me this upset him and affected him as they divorced when he was 10 and he had to attend a family court.

So basically the message from the new DW (they've been married I think approx 8 years) is:-

"Hi - hope you don't mind me messaging you. Hope you are ok. I understand you and XXXX dated a few years ago. take care. XXX (her name)"

Anyway what would you do? Reply? Not reply? I don't wish to open up a can of worms or really get into a convo with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:52

@YoniAndGuy

I wouldn't reply because that's a pretty weird message and I wouldn't want to get into any exchange with her!

You've clearly come up as a friend suggestion - or maybe you accidentally liked a photo? - and seems as if her response to that is to immediately 'mark her territory'? I mean, that's the only real motivation I can think of for that message. I'd completely ignore and make sure never to look at their pages again!

Trust me it was just a curiosity killed the cat moment to briefly glance at her page and photos - after that I actually felt pleased and happy for him! That he'd settled down and looked happy.
OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 27/04/2021 12:52

Oh x-posts. I see!

Presumably he's abusing/gaslighting her.

In that case I would agree to talk and tell her factually about his controlling and abusive tendencies. I'd hate to not help someone possibly in a DV situation.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 27/04/2021 12:53

I know a close friend who was massively helped by reaching out to her BFs ex and asking some questions. Lots of gaslighting going on and behaviours she wasn't sure about and needed some help with. Stopped her marrying the a-hole in the end. Personally if I were in a good space and feeling generous Id reply (for the sisterhood!) but only if cost me nothing.

YoniAndGuy · 27/04/2021 12:53

Sorry my first response was before I saw anything other than your first post!

Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:53

@PicsInRed

I'd be suspicious it was him.
don't think so. He's not into social media AFAIK and never had a mobile phone etc when everyone else did in our 20s.
OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 27/04/2021 12:54

I would feel compelled to reply i got accused of having an affair once my reply was 😂😂😂😂😂 they both blocked me

TakeYourFinalPosition · 27/04/2021 12:55

I’d reply, I think.

I’d keep it factual and offer no judgement or advice, but if she’s trying to find out if he has a history of either cheating or abuse, I’d guess he’s done it again... and I’d feel better about myself if I could say that I helped her make an informed decision about the chances of it happening again.

Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:56

@YoniAndGuy

Oh x-posts. I see!

Presumably he's abusing/gaslighting her.

In that case I would agree to talk and tell her factually about his controlling and abusive tendencies. I'd hate to not help someone possibly in a DV situation.

so in this case do I just state the facts as they were and that's that?

I really don't want him ringing me up shouting at me which I fear he may do if I speak to her.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 27/04/2021 12:56

She may be one if these women we have on MN who come and post - ‘weirdest thing happened. My H’s ex from 20years ago popped up on my ‘suggested friends’ on FB. What does it mean? Is he cheating...’

In your place I’d answer her and say - yes, over 20 years ago s
You have nothing to hide, so why not answer. She is clearly dealing with something on her side.

Him cheating over 20years ago, in an immature rocky relationship has little bearing on who either one of you are today. So - worms in that can are long dead.

Starlightstarbright1 · 27/04/2021 12:56

I wouldn't get involved in someone elses drama.. so no I wouldn't reply/

Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:57

@TakeYourFinalPosition

I’d reply, I think.

I’d keep it factual and offer no judgement or advice, but if she’s trying to find out if he has a history of either cheating or abuse, I’d guess he’s done it again... and I’d feel better about myself if I could say that I helped her make an informed decision about the chances of it happening again.

thanks will do this... bloody hell why did this come to me?

I guess she had no way of knowing about me unless he mentioned me as one of his exes...

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:59

@MMmomDD

She may be one if these women we have on MN who come and post - ‘weirdest thing happened. My H’s ex from 20years ago popped up on my ‘suggested friends’ on FB. What does it mean? Is he cheating...’

In your place I’d answer her and say - yes, over 20 years ago s
You have nothing to hide, so why not answer. She is clearly dealing with something on her side.

Him cheating over 20years ago, in an immature rocky relationship has little bearing on who either one of you are today. So - worms in that can are long dead.

the thing I feel badly about - they now have kids - youngish kids I think from the photos I saw, both under 5.

I'd hate by my saying something this could cause issues... he wasn't all bad and could be really nice, but yes, we were both young and a bit stupid.

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 27/04/2021 13:01

I really don't want him ringing me up shouting at me which I fear he may do if I speak to her.

It's more likely that she will not want him to know AT ALL that she's been trying to build up a picture re. exes.

However I see what you mean.

If he did that, I'd have a sentence ready.

'Listen carefully, Ex. Be aware that I am not in the slightest bit like the person you used to go out with, and neither are the group of very good friends I have who look out for all my iinterests. I am not the slightest bit intimidated by you and let me make it crystal clear that if you so much as think about contacting me again, I will be going straight to the police. Fuck off, stay away.'

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 27/04/2021 13:03

How odd.

Curiosity would get the better of me.

'Hello, yes we did in excess of twenty years ago. I see he's married, pass on my best wishes.'

Then leave and see.

JackieLavertysWeirdVoice · 27/04/2021 13:03

I'd have a brief phone conversation so you know it's definitely her. And so it's not all written down. Just quickly tell her the truth and ask her to leave you alone in future.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 27/04/2021 13:03

he's married - *you're

krustykittens · 27/04/2021 13:04

Abusers are rarely all bad though, that is how they keep you on the hook. As others have said, he may be emotionally abusing and gaslighting her, she might just need confirmation that she is not going mad. If he abused you, the chances are he is abusing her, and like you said, there are young children involved in this relationship. I would see what she wants, if it turns out to be silly drama, you can say "Nothing to do with me" and block. Just state the facts of what happened.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 27/04/2021 13:07

I wonder if yous have a mutual friend somewhere and she mentioned something to the friend and they said something along the lines of " oh actually I think Catty used to say he did that to her".
I'd reply but keep it factual and if he calls send it to voicemail and report to police.

CervixHaver · 27/04/2021 13:09

I'd reply. He may have done something horrendous and NEED you to give evidence in court. Not an enticing thought but it may be imperative?

Yes I'm likely being dramatic but it's not entirely implausible

Tinkling · 27/04/2021 13:09

I would reply and say thanks for the message, but you aren’t willing to get involved in other peoples relationships, best wishes for the future.

CervixHaver · 27/04/2021 13:10

@Theunamedcat

I would feel compelled to reply i got accused of having an affair once my reply was 😂😂😂😂😂 they both blocked me
So you essentially admitted then Hmm
Wiredforsound · 27/04/2021 13:10

I would, definitely. You’ve got nothing to hide. If she brings up the Facebook thing just tell the truth - you and your friend were reminiscing over old boyfriends so you did a bit of idle internet stalking just to see what they were up to these days - I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

She’s keen to get in touch with you though so I suspect it might be more than that. A leopard doesn’t change his spots and if he was abusive to you he may be abusive to her. If you respond, just answer her questions truthfully, stick to the facts, and be supportive. At least then she’ll have information she may need.

Houseofvelour · 27/04/2021 13:10

I would reply. You could be helping her out of what could be an abusive relationship by telling her he's always been like this and it's not just her.

Wanderlusto · 27/04/2021 13:12

I'd respond something like 'yes I did, gosh that was years ago'. And if she asks you any questions id reply 'I don't really want to get involved so wont go into detail but, for what it's worth, he was not a nice man then. And I do hope that you have good people in your life you can turn to should it be that this is still the case. Also be aware of services for women like womensaid. Take care'.

Then once she had read it, I would block her.

But I think it would be nice of you to give her some reassurance that someone else had issues with him so that she can see past his gaslighting easier if that's what is going on.

TokyoSushi · 27/04/2021 13:12

Actually, maybe you should reply to her, in case she needs help. Perhaps just be led by her though rather than offering up any information unnecessarily.