Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

message from new wife of ex-SO from years ago - what to do?

420 replies

CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:40

I've received a message from someone I don't know personally but I do know she's the new wife of an ex-SO of mine from almost 20 years ago! Not spoken to him for years as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

We were together for 2 years then I met my DH (now divorced etc blah blah).

My ex-BF isn't on FB or other social media and a mutual friend of ours who sees them sometimes out and about mentioned ages ago that his wife was on FB and one night I FB stalked and found them. Just had a brief flick through open photo albums, saw it was of ex-BF but left it at that. I was pleased he'd settled down now and had kids and they both seem happily married so I thought good for them and also both our lives have moved on. I'm happily technically single now but dating someone nice for a couple of months which I think is going somewhere.

Anyway - I found out after we broke up that he cheated on me whilst we were together, I didn't think he had - but he told me after we broke up, just confessed and blurted it out and I was quite hurt about this. He would always ring me on my mobile to check I'd got home ok after a night out with my friends but I knew he was checking to see what I was up to. His DF apparently cheated on and physically abused his DM throughout their marriage and he told me this upset him and affected him as they divorced when he was 10 and he had to attend a family court.

So basically the message from the new DW (they've been married I think approx 8 years) is:-

"Hi - hope you don't mind me messaging you. Hope you are ok. I understand you and XXXX dated a few years ago. take care. XXX (her name)"

Anyway what would you do? Reply? Not reply? I don't wish to open up a can of worms or really get into a convo with her.

OP posts:
litterbird · 27/04/2021 15:01

I think you should casually chat to her IMO. She may need help with some serious problems with your ex. She maybe trying to reach out to someone for advise. If not then just block the lot of them and let it go.

Happyschool · 27/04/2021 15:02

I’m disappointed looking at someone’s FB page highlights you as a possible friend as I’ve done this just to see how old school friends have changed but quite randomly out of friendly curiosity alone!! Good to realise! Is there a way to avoid it showing?!

I would definitely reply but without getting involved, just to say I’m afraid that was a very long time ago as someone else suggested .

I0NA · 27/04/2021 15:04

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

If i could help another woman after what my ex put me through id do it in a heartbeat.
This
Fallsballs · 27/04/2021 15:05

It may not be anything dramatic, she may think you’re after her fella as you’re divorced now ?! Now that would be embarrassing.

Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 15:07

@Fallsballs

It may not be anything dramatic, she may think you’re after her fella as you’re divorced now ?! Now that would be embarrassing.
I don't show my wedding photos or FB status over FB (keep that very quiet) - however our mutual friend if they've met might have mentioned that.

Christ no way would I be after her fella now - she's welcome to him!

OP posts:
BackAwayFatty · 27/04/2021 15:08

I would be careful, could it be him using her Facebook page? He sounds a little unhinged!

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 27/04/2021 15:08

If you are going to reply then I wouldn't do it over message. I would ask for her number and then withhold mine and call her, then block her on all social media when you're done.

If you don't want to talk then simply block her.

5zeds · 27/04/2021 15:09

Or she could be planning a big party and looking for photos of him in his 20s

Fallsballs · 27/04/2021 15:11

If you do reply just be mindful it could go either way OP !

PleaseReferToMeAsBritneySpears · 27/04/2021 15:11

@Eruss

Not rtft yet but if you were having a nose on her page then you will come up on her suggested friends list.
This does not happen.
Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 15:11

@KihoBebiluPute

I think I would message back saying "I would prefer not to get involved in any kind of drama and that would include having a chat with you about XXXX or answering questions. I wish you both well but have no wish for any further contact."

However NB I know that on Facebook if you reply to a message that opens up more of your data to be visible to the person you message - if there is less sensitive personal info about you on Linked in than on FB then send the message via that platform.

interesting re more of my visible data.

I don't show wedding photos on FB - there might be one there but that's it. But we're divorced now so no need to show that. ex-DH is now married again (we're civil and sort of friendly-ish) with DC so no need to have our old wedding pics up!

Basically anything which could identify me like work etc is not on there.

Photos of me with friends, family etc - yes that's there - photos of my small house etc also on there. But only a few or none of me with exes.

OP posts:
Rubyrecka · 27/04/2021 15:12

@Eruss

Not rtft yet but if you were having a nose on her page then you will come up on her suggested friends list.
Is that true? If someone has a nose on my page they will come up as a friend suggestion?
Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 15:12

@5zeds

Or she could be planning a big party and looking for photos of him in his 20s
I do have photos of him in his 20s, not that he was that photogenic mind LOL.

Lots of his mates will have photos of him in his 20s - why me to ask??

OP posts:
Rubyrecka · 27/04/2021 15:15

I'd speak to her see why she wants. If u can help, then do so but I would make it Crystal clear that it's a one time conversation and going forward you don't want any further contract.

Dashel · 27/04/2021 15:15

I would help if I could particularly if he had been abusive.

I think there must be a reason she has messaged you as most people wouldn’t do that. You can always find out what she wants and if you don’t feel comfortable to answer a question then can say at that point, but I would want to help if I could.

Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 15:16

@BackAwayFatty

I would be careful, could it be him using her Facebook page? He sounds a little unhinged!
Don't think it's him. His modes were more ringing me or shouting at me in person.

He's not so much unhinged just like lots of men of that generation liked all the party drugs including weed and drinking loads - funnily enough he'd calmed down a lot he said when he met me. I wasn't much better as I was same as him. We both were dating each other I remember us saying this to each other as we felt we should settle down and find someone at almost 27/26 respectively! We did live with each other for 3 months I recall - very short time before we finished, forgot about that...

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 15:17

@Rubyrecka

I'd speak to her see why she wants. If u can help, then do so but I would make it Crystal clear that it's a one time conversation and going forward you don't want any further contract.
yep - think will do this. I might speak to our mutual friend see if she knows anything about her/him. Not gossip though.

They both live literally other side of London - think Essex/Herts borders and thank F I'm completely opp way - London/Surrey borders but don't fancy meeting up with her in person.

OP posts:
Congressdingo · 27/04/2021 15:18

Is that true? If someone has a nose on my page they will come up as a friend suggestion
Yes it's true, it happens often to me and I deny being on Facebook. Yet still people look me up. I dont think they realise that they then come up as people you may know on my feed.
There are no photos of me so I keep denying I'm on it and say it's just someone with the same name.

billybagpuss · 27/04/2021 15:20

She wouldn’t have contacted you unless she was having doubts (unless she’s throwing a massive party but that’s unlikely) I think you should maybe get in touch but keep it cool and make it clear you don’t want to get dragged in.

saraclara · 27/04/2021 15:22

Is that true? If someone has a nose on my page they will come up as a friend suggestion?

Yes, it's possible @Rubyrecka, but because someone appears a friend suggestion it doesn't mean that they nosed on your page. FB has all sorts of strategies to link you with someone. The fact that you have a shared friend is the main one, or even a shared email contact. Or they have a friend of one of your friends. It can be as remote as that.

So yes, FB won't ignore an opportunity to link you with someone whose page you've looked at, but the other way around doesn't mean anything. Somone that you're suggested to isn't going to immediately assume that you looked at their page.

saraclara · 27/04/2021 15:24

@Congressdingo

Is that true? If someone has a nose on my page they will come up as a friend suggestion Yes it's true, it happens often to me and I deny being on Facebook. Yet still people look me up. I dont think they realise that they then come up as people you may know on my feed. There are no photos of me so I keep denying I'm on it and say it's just someone with the same name.
As I said above, you being suggested to them doesn't mean they saw your page. They could be linked for all kinds of reasons, most of which put the lie to your explanation and make you look foolish. You can't be found and recommended by Facebook if you don't exist there.
CervixHaver · 27/04/2021 15:26

@CleverCatty As a former victim of domestic abuse - PLEASE at least ask what the questions are.... If they're not questions which could indicate she's at risk of harm or say, a pending court case for which she needs other people who have experienced his abuse for example, then you can always ignore and block her without answering?

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 27/04/2021 15:26

Honestly I'd just ask her what she wants to chat about.

ILoveRossGeller · 27/04/2021 15:28

I randomly saw a cousin of mine I'd not seen in 20 odd years when I was visiting my Uncle. I had absolutely no connection whatsoever to him or his family or even my family anywhere online, I had only just reconnected with my Uncle in real life. The only people on my Facebook were friends I wasn't related to. The next day my cousin appeared on my "people you may know"...

Howyoudoingirl · 27/04/2021 15:29

You seem to know a lot about his life. You dated him 20yrs ago, you have no kids with him. Block & move on. (I suspect you won't & the saga will play out for the crowd)

Swipe left for the next trending thread