Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How soon Into a relationship did you have children

209 replies

Overwhelmed245 · 26/04/2021 23:47

I’ve been seeing someone for just under a year. In all my previous dating and relationships it’s never felt like this I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. We both own our own homes I own mine outright though. He’s 28 I’m nearly 27 I’ve always wanted children so has he we’ve discussed it from day one as well as marriage. He’s said he’s ready now for a baby and so am I but would this be too early. I have bad endometriosis and some other issues so trying for a baby sooner rather than later has been suggested by doctors. I just worry I’m going to be judged or something for it being too soon but is there ever a perfect time to have a baby.

OP posts:
Cindy87 · 27/04/2021 19:35

Nearly 11 years

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/04/2021 19:53

@Checkingout811

Okay OP, Marriage aside, you haven’t done anything together? You barely know one another. You got together during lockdown due to a global pandemic; you haven’t travelled together, been on dates, city breaks etc Why not enjoy spending time together and getting to know one other, making memories together before you get into parenting?
This is a really sensible and wise post.
AnnaSW1 · 27/04/2021 19:54

3 years

NiceGerbil · 27/04/2021 20:06

Met, engaged 6 weeks later (secretly). Married one year later. DC1 11 months after wedding.

I was 32 and knew a good un when I saw he. He was 27 and a family oriented kind sort of a man and smitten. I had always assumed I wanted kids but never broody, he knew he wanted kids and was keen.

Still together DC are 14 and 12 now. It's a good relationship. He's still smitten God knows why!

Anyway. Who can say? Fast slow fast slow it's a gamble whatever you do.

Houseofvelour · 27/04/2021 20:08

We started trying for a baby 2 years into our relationship and caught immediately. We conceived a month before our wedding and my boobs doubled in size overnight and I barely fit into my dress 😂
Do the wedding first and then have kids if you're planning on both.
Once you have kids, you'll barely have time to plan a wedding.

Trumplosttheelection · 27/04/2021 20:14

Our first was born 10 months after we got together. We had known each other for a couple of years before though.
You sound ready to me.

Trumplosttheelection · 27/04/2021 20:17

That was over 20 years ago btw

BeyondMyWits · 27/04/2021 20:25

Courted for one year, married and started trying, DD born a year after wedding. Was right time for us, 22 years ago.

lulugee · 27/04/2021 20:35

It's too soon, what is the need to rush?

princesspeppax · 27/04/2021 20:45

5 years

FartleBarfle · 27/04/2021 20:51

LOL why are people so obsessed with marriage?! So no many of my friends are settled and happy without marriage. It's obviously on your radar to do when you want to, no idea why people still think it's a prerequisite to having a family, unless you are not in a secure and loving relationship.

We were together 5 years (I was 21-26) I knew within weeks he was the one. We moved in after 18 months of going out, we took it nice and slow as we had time on our side. We had a brilliant and loving relationship, then we got pregnant and I gave birth at 27, unmarried (shock horror!). However we all survived with a lack of this so-called security. Like you we were committed and wanted to get married when we were ready - in our case buying a house came first before having a party and because we only planned to do it once we didn't want to rush it through out of fear of... What exactly? That we would screw each other over financially or not accept parental responsibility? Not when you have a stable and trusting relationship, if that's a big worry then that's the real red flag to me.

We bought our first house 2 weeks before our son was born. I got pregnant with our second when we were planning our wedding and I got married 4 months pregnant. It was absolutely perfect. Been married five years now, together 12, and another baby on the way. Until I read this thread I had no idea us having a baby first was so controversial, I just thought we weren't old-fashioned!

I do think give it a little more time. If you have only had a relationship in lockdown then I'm sure it has been pretty intense. But life is going back to normal soon. Book a few trips together and share some experiences. I'm talking 6-12 months, not forever, just a little more to live life together in more normal routines. I am so grateful we did so much in our first five years. But it wouldn't be as easy to recreate these afterwards. Life does transform when little ones come along - for better mostly and a few things worse.

happydays00 · 27/04/2021 20:55

We got pregnant 9 months into our relationship (a happy accident); it was the happiest I'd ever been and it seemed inconceivable I'd ever feel any other way. We're nearly 6 years down the line and also have a 2 year old but I no longer feel the same. Of course I wouldn't change a thing because I now have my two amazing children, but it was too soon and I feel we never got to know each other properly pre kids.

Elmo311 · 27/04/2021 20:57

6 months, conceived first month trying :)
Been together 4 years and going strong! No regrets here x

OhSayWhat · 27/04/2021 21:06

7 years for us but I don’t judge other people’s timeframes. My bigger concern is whether you really know this person before you go into the stress of child raising. You need to see him at his worst, travel together, get annoyed with each other, understand his mindset on money and work and division of labour. I just don’t think you can truly understand someone in a year.

Ginger1982 · 27/04/2021 21:09

@Overwhelmed245

What’s so important about getting married before having children then *@LimeCoconut* I understand your protected more when married but that’s it
Jesus wept.
allthequeenshorsesandmen · 27/04/2021 21:13

How have U done so well financially at only 27? I'm not judging just genuinely interested.

RaeRaeMama · 28/04/2021 07:28

By everyone's logic here, I'm very clever because I'm the one with the money...

It's very sad that you have chosen the kind of partners where there is no trust, that you have to have a piece of paper to validate your relationship

OP like I said before I do think a year is too soon but that's only my opinion. Although I've just had my baby at 29 and honestly, it's true babies are really hard work and I think I would struggle a LOT without the help of my partner. We've always tried to be equal about everything but when it comes to a baby, it's unavoidable that a lot falls on you as a woman. You want to make sure that there isn't a doubt in your mind of what kind of man he is and if there's the slightest part of you that isn't sure, then just hold off for a bit longer. It just means you need to know him more.

Cherrytree1621 · 28/04/2021 07:49

5 years, 21 when I had my first

Shinyletsbebadguys · 28/04/2021 07:59

For me its not about time its about whether your relationship has been weather tested . Having a baby is hard in a myriad of different ways. Its wonderful and life changing but if ever there was a thing to truly test a relationship its that. Its a question of whether your relationship stayed solid through hard times. Whether you pull together as a team even when you are exhausted and hormonal.

To give my experience exdh and I had been married for 3 years and together for 5. However had been sunshine and roses so our relationship didn't have to withstand the winds battering. When the maelstrom of newborn time hit and the roller coaster between being ecstatic and exhausted and stressed hit the cracks started to show.

Some people are together 6 months and they have had to deal with hard times, or they have got lucky and the relationship was intrinsically solid. However having a newborn is not the time to find out the cracks in a relationship are canyons.

Unfortunately it doesn't matter how committed someone seems and what they say. It is only in the eye of the storm you truly find out who they are. Exdh after 5 years was not the person i thought he was. Its unutterably hard to realise this when dealing with a newborn , illness and exhaustion. It ended up (4 years later !) Killing the marriage

My DP though. Within a few months I had a stroke and I had to leisure out how to walk again , lost speech for a short time and he stepped up , instantly without complaint. In the middle of chaos he proved himself stalwart and reliable. Now we chose not to have any more DC to ensure my DC form my marriage were in a good place etc but I am absolutely sure if it had been the right thing for us to have Dc together he would have been solid and reliable because I saw our relationship tested and it thrived.

So its not about time , ita about whether your relationship has stayed happy and supportive when the winds are blowing

LimeCoconut · 28/04/2021 08:28

We've always tried to be equal about everything but when it comes to a baby, it's unavoidable that a lot falls on you as a woman.

Tbf the only thing a mother can do that a father can’t is breastfeed, and even then you can share feeds by pumping so that some nights you can get a good guaranteed stretch of a couple 4hr chunks and get up to pump in the middle while your DH spends the night feeding, changing and settling baby. Other than that I genuinely don’t see how it’s unavoidable that the majority falls on the woman. I feel like that’s an approach that lets fathers get away with taking a secondary role with their babies, personally.

Not having a go at your or pointing that at you, just what you said made me think in general terms. I don’t buy into that.

Alcemeg · 28/04/2021 09:06

I think your situation sounds great, honestly.

I mean in an ideal world you might test the relationship out for a few more years, but you don't have a few more years to play with (given your treatment schedule) and this ticks all the important boxes. More than most!

Maybe see what it's like renting together before you actually get pregnant, though, as spending time in each other's homes is not quite the same as sharing one day to day.

Good luck OP!

Original poster
Overwhelmed245 · 28/04/2021 12:32

Thank you all for the advice I will leave it here going to consider everything we are definitely going to rent together soon I’ve also just been told they may need to remove my left ovary as it is covered with endometriosis and was to risky to remove in my last surgery

OP posts:
99victoria · 28/04/2021 17:20

We started dating in January, got engaged in March, married in October and our first child was born the following November so we had only been together a year when i got pregnant.

Divorced now but we were married for over 20 years and had 3 children

AlwaysLatte · 28/04/2021 17:26

We had our first baby 4 years after first date.

loveyourself2020 · 28/04/2021 18:31

3.5 years after we started dating, 1.5 after we got married. I was 28 when I had my first. The truth is, there is no right or wrong with this, you do what feels best for you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread