How soon Into a relationship did you have children

[Overwhelmed245]

I’ve been seeing someone for just under a year. In all my previous dating and relationships it’s never felt like this I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. We both own our own homes I own mine outright though. He’s 28 I’m nearly 27 I’ve always wanted children so has he we’ve discussed it from day one as well as marriage. He’s said he’s ready now for a baby and so am I but would this be too early. I have bad endometriosis and some other issues so trying for a baby sooner rather than later has been suggested by doctors. I just worry I’m going to be judged or something for it being too soon but is there ever a perfect time to have a baby.

10 years knowing each other, 7 years being together, a year and a bit after getting married. Problem was that I grew up after having children (as women generally have to) and he regressed so we are now separated.

I don't think less than a year under lockdown restrictions is long enough to know someone well enough to have a baby with them but i guess it depends on whether it's a baby that's important to you or the family unit/relationship. There is every chance it will all work out for you but there is also a chance it won't and I can tell you that being a single parent is HARD. That's with me working, an ex who is fair financially and who has the kids 40% of the time.

I'd want at least another year of post-lockdown life with him and maybe a holiday or two before having a baby.

13yrs

@Overwhelmed245

I’m not getting cross I’m just stating facts like when people say you need money so you will never get married he’s just after your money he clearly didn’t want to commit as he won’t marry you. To this I responded that money isn’t an issue he would marry me tomorrow

Then why won't you marry him now? Is it just because of the big party?

I think you made this thread hoping that everyone would affirm your choice. I don't think you expected people to reply with quite genuine reasons to either marry now or wait until you've known each other longer

About five years? And another three before we got married.

I don’t think it’s necessarily too early (and baffled about how a man wanting kids is considered a red flag tbh) - it’s not only women who get a yearning broodiness for children.

DH and I lived together after we’d only been together for less than three months (long story but the easiest although not best choice). I wish we’d had more time just us, although he already had a son so not quite the same.

I think it’s fine to start exploring the financials etc. but just be aware that if you do have a baby quickly, you may well regret jumping into parenthood so quickly.

Personally if I were in your shoes, I’d want us living together, wedding planned (you have assets - I had none!) and at least one amazing holiday under our belts before a baby was to come along.

Because of Covid And family not being able to travel I want my family at my wedding and so does he with all our close family I wouldn’t be able to pick between which siblings get to come and which don’t

I am pregnant with our first, been together 5 years been TTC 2 years though. Personally I think its a really bad idea for you to TTC now. Your relationship is very new, wasn't founded in normal times and TTC is stressful, particularly if you add fertility problems into the mix. I wanted to TTC earlier into our relationship but I'm so glad we got married, got used to living together first because let me tell you going through infertility/treatment was horrible to deal with and I can see why couples break up over it. I can understand why you feel the need to TTC now but you need to think rationally about it.

Take the advice of an old lady, children alter the dynamic of a relationship, and yours is a relatively new one.
It could all be okay and really wonderful, it could be an unmitigated disaster, I don't really know, do you know???
The one thing I will say is the most important person(s) in all of this are the intended children, they deserve the very, very best in life and that includes a stable home life with loving and committed parents.
Do you know your boyfriend inside out, what was his home life like growing up? what is his family like will you have support?

To have children is a privilege and one which many abuse. Don't imagine they will cheerfully disappear aged 18 because they don't, and often need your support more as adults than small children do!
You and your partner do need time on your own to fully get to know one another and to have that "alone" time necessary for couples.

My oldest DS was not planned (contraception failure) we had been a couple for 5 years, married for 3, 40 years on we still have one adult DS (+ DIL) living with us! These things happen job losses/illness/ relationship break ups you end up still having to be a supportive parent into your dotage!
Please don.t rush into parenthood, you are young enough to take your time for a year or two.
Good luck I hope it works out well for you

@Overwhelmed245

Because of Covid And family not being able to travel I want my family at my wedding and so does he with all our close family I wouldn’t be able to pick between which siblings get to come and which don’t

Depending on where family are it's likely they will be able to attend close to the end of the year.

How many siblings do you have? Surely not more than 10 each?

I understand the fertility issue is making you think it's now or never but it isn't.

A year or so of engagement won't make a massive difference. As others have said, as you have a known issue you'll get tests and treatment after 6 months of trying rather than 1 year, perhaps quicker depending on your trust. I have a friend who was put into early menopause by cancer treatment. Before starting treatment she was offered to freeze eggs (which failed) and after treatment they were set of IVF straight away. She fell pregnant naturally though before starting.

That year will also allow you to have some
Fun together and be sure that this is for keeps.

12 immediate family on his side and I have 13 on mine that’s with out any friends being invited like my best friend since I was born

@Overwhelmed245

12 immediate family on his side and I have 13 on mine that’s with out any friends being invited like my best friend since I was born

That's 25. You have 5 more (3 when you take yourselves out)

Our first was born 10 months after the day we first met! Still together, 4 kids, been together 24 years.

14 years! 😁

Plus I’m in no rush to get married I didn’t see it as such an important thing

Yes and I would rather wait and be able to have friends and other family if possible

What’s so important about getting married before having children then @LimeCoconut I understand your protected more when married but that’s it
I mean, you're protected more with your seatbelt fastened "and that's it", but I wouldn't recommend anyone set off without it done.

16 years,married 3 years.

Lived together for 5 yrs, got married, had first DS 6 years later, so 11 yrs in total.

6 weeks. 😂. Still together 20 years later

When ds was born we'd been together for 3 and a half years (planned but first month of trying so still a bit of a shock!) so not long but we'd lived together for 2 and a half years by then (renting at first then own home before ds came along). Living together first for at least a year is absolutely key in my opinion, as are serious talks e.g related to home ownership, marriage etc.

9 years and we weren’t married. We went on to have another 3 children and got married when the youngest was 5. We got together young though.

Okay OP, Marriage aside, you haven’t done anything together? You barely know one another. You got together during lockdown due to a global pandemic; you haven’t travelled together, been on dates, city breaks etc
Why not enjoy spending time together and getting to know one other, making memories together before you get into parenting?

@Checkingout811 well said.

So I feel the number of years is kind of irrelevant but nearly 8 years for us! Depends on age, life stage, commitment, health (in your case), if both parties are sure about where things are headed, etc etc.

I waited 7 years but we have been together since 18 & 19.

We had been together 4 months when I found out I was pregnant- it was an accident, unsurprisingly! We celebrated our first anniversary the same month DD was born.

We’re all very happy but I do wish we’d had a bit more time just as a couple. Lazy weekend mornings and trips away and all that sort of stuff that you can’t really do with a baby!