How soon Into a relationship did you have children

[Overwhelmed245]

I’ve been seeing someone for just under a year. In all my previous dating and relationships it’s never felt like this I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. We both own our own homes I own mine outright though. He’s 28 I’m nearly 27 I’ve always wanted children so has he we’ve discussed it from day one as well as marriage. He’s said he’s ready now for a baby and so am I but would this be too early. I have bad endometriosis and some other issues so trying for a baby sooner rather than later has been suggested by doctors. I just worry I’m going to be judged or something for it being too soon but is there ever a perfect time to have a baby.

@Wanderlusto

He has discussed marriage but suddenly wants a baby first? Why? I'd take that as a red flag tbh. I'd feel it was disrespectful of a man to suggest I have his baby when we arent even married.

Agree with this. In his eyes, why are you good enough to carry and give birth to his baby and experience all the permanent changes and risks that come with that, but not to properly commit to?

"Partner" means absolutely nothing legally, you could just as easily be referring to a random guy walking down the street.

It's marriage that matters.

And it's MUCH easier for a man to walk away from his child than it is from a marriage. Many men are also happy enough to have a kid with a woman who they know will make a good mum but who they don't necessarily want to commit to. Then leave her down the line and marry the love of their lives, have more kids, and be family man of the year with her.

8 years. Perfect time for us. I think you need time together as a couple to be hedonistic!

I had DS 1 at 21 after we had been together around 18 months. DS2 when I was 23. They are 9 and 7 now. We didn't get married first and still aren't now.

I was 30 when I met dh. One year as gf/bf, engaged for another year. Married the following year, baby appeared in the September the following year and under two years later dd2.

@Overwhelmed245 What struck me about your post OP is that he may be keen to try to conceive a kid with you before marriage so he can see whether you're able to have children before he commits.

Then if you're not, he can easily leave and find someone else. Please don't have kids with this man before marriage. Make him commit first before you put yourself through TTC, pregnancy and birth. He needs to be someone who wants to truly commit to you . You're both more than old enough already, there's no reason whatsoever for him to be stalling on marriage if he truly sees you as his future wife, especially with your potential significant fertility problems.

You need to make this absolutely clear to him now, and if he's not ready to commit, leave him soon so you have a chance to have kids with someone else.

We were together 3 months and found out I was pregnant it was a massive shock as we had used contraception every time,both forms,but something must have affected it,It was a difficult pregnancy with complications and at one stage babies viability was in question 😭 but we got through it and had a beautiful healthy little boy he was 6 weeks Premature which was difficult but almost 5 years later we are still together and have another little boy who is 9 months old. It wasn't perfect or conventional but it's worked for us 😁

10 years. But 5 of those were spent in failed IVF. So we tried after 5 years.

I don’t get why so many of you think marriage is a big thing. He would marry me tomorrow I’m the one that’s wanted to wait especially for weddings to return To normal I have a big family and so does he do the number limit is an issue. I’ve had surgery for my endometriosis twice and just won’t stop growing back I’ve seen a private expert too I’ve tried everything and at the moment we are just temporary managing the pain. We also have lived together for a few months completely at mine and then for the rest of lock down we’ve done 50/50 although we often recently or when clubs have been on have a night away so he can go to football and I can go to my group.

Thanks for all the advice though

Hey OP!

I’m 27 too and getting married to OH next month, on our one year anniversary. I have fertility issues and we’re being followed by an IVF clinic but we started actively trying 8 months in. A little quick but each to their own I say :)

Also for the marriage thing, you could always just elope now and have a big ceremony later? That’s what we’re doing!

I’ve also met all his family when we could during Covid times and there all lovely. He’s also met my mum and step dad loads as while purchasing my new home I moved back in with them so i could be chain free.

I unexpectedly fell pregnant 8 months into the relationship but had a miscarriage.
We intentionally starting trying for a baby 6 months later and I fell pregnant 8 months after my first miscarriage.
I then fell pregnant with our (surprise) second child 10 months after my first was born so it was all fairly quick and in hindsight we should have had more time for just ourselves as we were both very young as well (very early 20’s). Not that I’d change anything now, my children are my world but I do hope my children take their time before diving into the world of parenthood.

Another one who waited 13 years, here.

You’re coming across as quite defensive and unwilling to listen. Are you actually open to learning about why it’s important to marry before you have his child or have you decided and just want people to agree with you?

14 years for our first (twins) and then waited another ten years for our third!

I would say that our deep rooted love and relationship is what got us through the tough early baby years but I have friends who got together at the same time as we did, waited as long as we did to have their daughter, and then were split before she turned one. So you never can tell.

Take some time to have good experiences together but also make sure you know he’ll be a good team mate in raising any kids or running a house. If there’s any doubt it’s better to wait. Spend the money on fertility investigations now rather than expensive family lawyers later.

@EmpressSuiko

I unexpectedly fell pregnant 8 months into the relationship but had a miscarriage. We intentionally starting trying for a baby 6 months later and I fell pregnant 8 months after my first miscarriage. I then fell pregnant with our (surprise) second child 10 months after my first was born so it was all fairly quick and in hindsight we should have had more time for just ourselves as we were both very young as well (very early 20’s). Not that I’d change anything now, my children are my world but I do hope my children take their time before diving into the world of parenthood.

Your situation sounds similar to mine. Now I'm 30 I'm so glad I had kids in my early 20s

What’s so important about getting married before having children then @LimeCoconut I understand your protected more when married but that’s it

@Reclinehard

2 years, by accident. Luckily we landed on our feet and are about to buy a house and try for another. As long as you have homes and reliable income and are serious about eachother.. Although have you lived together?

Also to PP saying get married first, this just isn't what people do anymore. When homes and weddings are so expensive you have to prioritise.

@Reclinehard people said "marriage" not "wedding". No wedding has to cost a lot. Very often those who go for expensive weddings are those without their priorities in order and see marriage as an expensive showy party rather than the reality of it as a lifelong commitment.

Makes no logical sense for a woman to embark on children with someone she's legally single with and who hasn't bothered to legally commit to her or the child. "Being serious about each other " means nothing and is just words. Men walk away from relationships and their kids ALL the time. At least with marriage it's clear the man actually intends to commit to you and is willing to put himself and his current/future wealth on the line for the sake of you and future children. Marriage gives rights and protections that cannot be taken away (e.g. a will an unmarried man writes, can always be rewritten at any point without your knowledge).

5 years.

Had first at 23, started a relationship with DH at 18.

As long as you're financially stable I see no reason why you shouldn't have a baby now if you want to.

My only concern is you don't know the ins and outs of someone after being with them for a year.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Met in a January , engaged by May , married 14 months later. First child 14 months after that .

Pregnant after 3 months now been together 8 yrs,married for 5

You dont know someone after 1 year. I'd advise waiting at least three before children together. He could literally be anyone. Plenty of abusers don't show their cards until they've got you pregnant. At least if theres stepe before it like living together, marriage and a decent amount of time, you can suss them out first.

If you dont want to marry first then at least live together for 6 months minimum before thinking about a child together. Have the lease in your name only. Protect yourself first and foremost.

I'm TTC atm, been with my partner for 2 years and 4 months, we started trying at 2 years into our relationship, we live together, pay our bills, I have a 5 year old from my past that my partner took on, and a baby is something that we both want and are ready for in our relationship, not having any luck atm tho 😔 I'm 28 this year so not as easy as when I was 22 😭😂

@SpringtimeSummertime

If you aren't committed enough to get married, you aren't committed enough to start a family.

I’d say that after 25 years together and several DC that my children’s Dad and I are committed to one another.
We’re not married though.

@SpringtimeSummertime but genuinely in what way is he committed to you?

He can walk out on you and the kids tomorrow with minimal consequences to himself (or if he owns the house you live in, kick you all out) with all of his financial and other assets completely intact. Then move onto someone else without any of the stigma of a previous divorce.

At any point he can change his will and other places where you're a beneficiary without your knowledge. Legally you're both single people and it's the perfect non-committal set up.

You're both choosing to be together currently and are hopefully happy together, but there's no commitment at all in your situation.