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Original poster

How soon Into a relationship did you have children

209 replies

Overwhelmed245 · 26/04/2021 23:47

I’ve been seeing someone for just under a year. In all my previous dating and relationships it’s never felt like this I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. We both own our own homes I own mine outright though. He’s 28 I’m nearly 27 I’ve always wanted children so has he we’ve discussed it from day one as well as marriage. He’s said he’s ready now for a baby and so am I but would this be too early. I have bad endometriosis and some other issues so trying for a baby sooner rather than later has been suggested by doctors. I just worry I’m going to be judged or something for it being too soon but is there ever a perfect time to have a baby.

OP posts:
Cotswoldmama · 27/04/2021 12:26

11 years but I was 17 when we got together and I was 27 when we got married. I think when you get to mid to late twenties and you both know you want children I would probably wait about two years before trying to make sure the relationship is solid enough and you know everything about each other.

Cotswoldmama · 27/04/2021 12:31

I don't think marriage is important but I would say it would make more sense to have a stable home you both jointly own before having a baby so that you have security.

Original poster
Overwhelmed245 · 27/04/2021 12:57

Paying for a wedding won’t be an issue money for both of us especially me isn’t an issue

OP posts:
Checkingout811 · 27/04/2021 13:02

Together 11 years, married for 18 months when baby came. We started trying as soon as we were married. We had our 2nd DS 20 months after DS1.

Far too soon IMO. You haven’t even had a proper relationship; holidays together, dating etc. Enjoy yourselves first.

ILookAtTheFloor · 27/04/2021 13:04

I got pregnant a year into being with my now DH. My DD is now 10 and we've been together 12 years, married for almost 7 and also have a 5 yo DD.

So it wasn't long for us and I have no regrets.

VoyageInTheDark · 27/04/2021 13:09

Together for 5 years then married for 1 year. I can understand not wanting to wait if you have fertility concerns though

PurplePansy05 · 27/04/2021 13:15

You're getting crossed when people are giving you good advice which you've asked for. It's immature. If you know what you want to do, why don't you just get on with it and deal with the consequences, good or bad.

CocoLady · 27/04/2021 13:17

I was in a similar situation to you OP I was 26 nearly 27 when we met. I was told I would need treatment for a condition I had that if I had more treatment it will affect my fertility so that's what I did, I was with her dad less than a year when I got pregnant then 2 years when she was born.
Being told about possible infertility spurred me on don't listen to anyone else follow your gut and do what you feel is right for you and partner. I now have a crazy beautiful 6 year old child xx

bubblebath62636 · 27/04/2021 13:18

He seems a bit too keen op.

Get married first and enjoy your life.

You don't know him well enough, a year is no time at all and still the honeymoon period.

DungeonKeeper · 27/04/2021 13:19

You’ve been together under a year in lockdown, which isn’t real life. Have you discussed finances? How long you want maternity leave for? Childcare? Are you going to be a sahm? Which can leave you more vulnerable if you aren’t married. Parenting views? Is he going to see the baby care as your ‘job’? (You see that a lot on here, men who see themselves as too important to do any childcare because they ‘work’). There is a lot you probably don’t know about each other yet and sharing houses isn’t the same as living together. It’s also not just about a wedding, it’s about a marriage and sharing a life.

Having a baby really tests every aspect of your relationship. The exhaustion is immense.

80sMum · 27/04/2021 13:20

We had been married for just under a year when we decided we'd like to start a family. Our first baby was born 20 months after our wedding.

I would never have considered having a child without first being married. But that was over 40 years ago and I think times have changed now. I needed the security of marriage and DH's commitment, because I was giving up paid employment (and indeed, giving up the prospect of ever having a career) in order to care for our children.

edwinbear · 27/04/2021 13:22

I agree that dating for a year in lockdown, is not the same as dating for a year during a 'normal' year. Have you met his friends and family, been on holiday together, weekends away?

DelurkingAJ · 27/04/2021 13:25

Met, married 6 years later, DS1 2 years after that (about 6 weeks of trying!). I was in my early 30s when DS1 was born.

BalconiWaferAddict · 27/04/2021 13:34

Together 8, married 3. But we got together young.

Marriage is a useful thing before kids as it gives a level of security and makes all the future planning less messy - inheritance tax, property, MAT leave. But it isn’t a requirement if you put the legwork in to future plan.

Less than a year together I wouldn’t consider it intentionally as the relationship is still very new. Maybe after 2 years together yes as you know each other a bit more and presumably have been living together a while. Kids put a strain on even the strongest partnerships.

Threebecomesfour · 27/04/2021 13:34

Married 4 years after meeting, got pregnant 3 years after getting married. Perfect for us but everyone is different

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/04/2021 13:36

I personally don't think that being together for less than a year, especially in lockdown, is enough of a stretch of 'real life' time together to sensibly be trying to bring a baby into the relationship. That's not to say it doesn't work out fine for some people, but I would imagine the majority doing the same won't stay together.

MeadowHay · 27/04/2021 13:48

@PurplePansy05

You're getting crossed when people are giving you good advice which you've asked for. It's immature. If you know what you want to do, why don't you just get on with it and deal with the consequences, good or bad.
Agree with this 100 per cent. OP has clearly made up her mind already. It would be foolish to go ahead and have kids without getting married first but clearly she's going to anyway. We will then probably see her back on this board in a couple of years joining the legions of other unmarried women who end up stuck with 'partners' that don't contribute to family life but don't want to leave as they wont have any financial protections.
Original poster
Overwhelmed245 · 27/04/2021 14:06

I’m not getting cross I’m just stating facts like when people say you need money so you will never get married he’s just after your money he clearly didn’t want to commit as he won’t marry you. To this I responded that money isn’t an issue he would marry me tomorrow

OP posts:
kalikkma · 27/04/2021 14:10

3 years... but we were both "old" and wanted to have a child so needed to "crack on with it". If we had met in our 20's would likely have been a lot longer

PhantomErik · 27/04/2021 14:16

7 years & met when we were 21 & 26 years old.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 27/04/2021 14:17

After 9 years.

kalidasa · 27/04/2021 14:21

I got pregnant (intentionally) with DS1 after we'd been together less than a year, and living together for just a few months. We did get married, but only after DS1 was born (in fact on his 3 month birthday!). We were 31/32 ish, had both recently got permanent jobs for the first time. I think if you're secure practically, both know what you want & both know yourselves reasonably well then quick is not necessarily a bad idea. Make sure you have discussed and agreed basic financial and lifestyle stuff though, especially about how to divide childcare, whose job takes priority, what you both think is most important in term of bringing up children (e.g. views on education, religion etc). I think if you have children quite early on it's particularly important to make time for yourselves as a couple after the baby arrives e.g. commit to going out together regularly from early on. You need to allow space to continue to get to know each other. DH and I have been together about 10 years now and I feel it's only the last couple of years that I feel I really know him e.g. can almost always predict how he'll react to a situation.

Becstar90 · 27/04/2021 14:32

Got pregnant 8 months into the relationship and didn't know much of each other before we met in person, 4 and half years later still together and happy. No one judged us, not to our face anyway. Worked out great for us.

kalidasa · 27/04/2021 14:38

Oh and also my DH said from the outset that he wouldn't marry (comes from a family where the men have all been married lots of times, and his own parents were married to each other twice!). He associated it only with negative things and his father's bad behaviour. It wasn't a deal-breaker for me so that was OK and crucially he was totally straightforward from the outset that he did want kids, did want full commitment, but didn't want a wedding. Then he proposed on Christmas Eve when DS1 was only a month old and even though we'd just had a baby together I was totally taken by surprise! We just got married though, we didn't have a "wedding" at all. (Registry office, cheapest option, 2 witnesses + DS1 -- DH went to work for a bit that morning first!)

kalidasa · 27/04/2021 14:40

Marrying quickly used to be common of course, and my own parents got married very soon after meeting each other. I don't think it's right or wrong but it is different so you have to be a bit realistic about that -- that you don't know each other that well yet, even if you think you do, for instance. It's true the first baby is a huge lifestyle change but having been together for a long while first doesn't necessarily make that easier and can be harder, if you are very used to being just a couple.

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