Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How soon Into a relationship did you have children

209 replies

Overwhelmed245 · 26/04/2021 23:47

I’ve been seeing someone for just under a year. In all my previous dating and relationships it’s never felt like this I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. We both own our own homes I own mine outright though. He’s 28 I’m nearly 27 I’ve always wanted children so has he we’ve discussed it from day one as well as marriage. He’s said he’s ready now for a baby and so am I but would this be too early. I have bad endometriosis and some other issues so trying for a baby sooner rather than later has been suggested by doctors. I just worry I’m going to be judged or something for it being too soon but is there ever a perfect time to have a baby.

OP posts:
HarleyQuinn21 · 27/04/2021 10:34

5 years

MrsBungle · 27/04/2021 10:36

I married DH within a year of meeting him but we waited until 4 years in to have children.

RevolvingPivot · 27/04/2021 10:38

Met 2007 dd1 2010 dd2 2012 married 2014

parsnipsnotsprouts · 27/04/2021 10:38

Always get married first imo. Men’s willingness to get married is a better indication of long term commitment than them wanting to have a baby. We’ve been married three years and just had a baby last November

1990shopefulftm · 27/04/2021 10:40

DS was born just before we d been together 7 years, we met when we were 18 and 22 and wanted to finish university, buy our house and get married before we had kids.

girlmama32 · 27/04/2021 10:40

11 years but we were young teenagers when we got together.
I don't think there's a "right time" as such, if your both happy and are both committed to each other than I'd go for it.

Constance11 · 27/04/2021 10:40

7 years for us.

CoolCrazy · 27/04/2021 10:40

I think most relationships are still very good at the one year mark, so just because everything seems good now doesn’t mean it will be in another couple of years, especially with all the stresses a baby brings. I don’t think you know someone that well after a year.
We chose not to get married but had our first child after 5 years together and our second 5 years after that.

Maggiesfarm · 27/04/2021 10:42

Three years married, preceded by two years 'going out', and knew each other a year before that.

RevolvingPivot · 27/04/2021 10:43

Genuine question. My names not on the mortgage even though we moved in here together as I don't work. How am I more protected now we are married? X

edwinbear · 27/04/2021 10:43

9 years. Were together 4 years before getting married, then had DS 5 years later, followed by DD 2.5yrs after that. We wanted to spend some time (and money!) ticking off our bucket lists before we had DC.

Personally, I wouldn't have had DC before marriage. It was important to me that we were legally committed to each other. I earnt the same as him, went back to work to maintain my career, but wanted to be sure that if he died, DC and I would benefit from his various insurances, widows pension etc as well as there being no issues around our home/shared assets. It is harder to split up once you're married and I think men think much harder about leaving if they know it means a divorce, rather than just walking out.

Footloosefancyfree · 27/04/2021 10:43

I was with dh 3 years before we had dd. Been together coming up 12. We lived together before hand and I had ds1. I'd advise waiting you don't even live together yet nm adding a pregnancy and then a baby into the mix. You could end up being a single mom. Baby's are hardwork and can affect the strongest relationships.

CoolCrazy · 27/04/2021 10:51

Men’s willingness to get married is a better indication of long term commitment than them wanting to have a baby.

It completely depends on the person. Marriage wasn’t important to us but we both definitely seen buying a house and having children as big commitment.

parsnipsnotsprouts · 27/04/2021 10:51

@RevolvingPivot

Genuine question. My names not on the mortgage even though we moved in here together as I don't work. How am I more protected now we are married? X
It’s called matrimonial home rights
parsnipsnotsprouts · 27/04/2021 10:54

@CoolCrazy

Men’s willingness to get married is a better indication of long term commitment than them wanting to have a baby.

It completely depends on the person. Marriage wasn’t important to us but we both definitely seen buying a house and having children as big commitment.

It is. I agree with you a big commitment. Lots of men don’t see it like that. Hence the amount of women you see on here whinging that they’re two babies in, been together seven years and ‘partner’ doesn’t want to get married
aboutbloodytime123 · 27/04/2021 10:57

3 years with exH, 3 years with current DP. But I think you are absolutely right to factor in endometriosis into your plans, it can definitely complicate things x

FizzyPink · 27/04/2021 11:03

No disrespect OP but a year is nothing in terms of really getting to know someone.

Plus for the last year the world has been totally different to normal. He might be one of the men on here who go out drinking and disappear for days on end but you can’t possibly know that until things go back to normal.

CoolCrazy · 27/04/2021 11:04

It is. I agree with you a big commitment. Lots of men don’t see it like that. Hence the amount of women you see on here whinging that they’re two babies in, been together seven years and ‘partner’ doesn’t want to get married

I think men that don’t see having children as a much, much bigger commitment than marriage are just massive red flags in themselves.

Figgygal · 27/04/2021 11:06

7 years together
married 4

LividJabber · 27/04/2021 11:08

Baby was born eleven months after we met Grin

But, I’m ancient and there were very outing circumstances that meant it was the best news ever.

Twizbe · 27/04/2021 12:01

@Overwhelmed245

If you want a big wedding with all the massive family, you won't get that whether you have a baby now or not.

Now, it will be because of covid. The perfect excuse to have a smaller (cheaper) wedding and no one can be offended they aren't invited.

Later, after baby, spending 20-25k on a party just isn't going to be a priority. You'll say you're already committed so why bother. You'll need the money for childcare or home improvements or to cover the shortfall in your earnings on mat leave.

Then you'll also have to deal with being a bride with kid(s) in tow. I've been a guest at a wedding with a toddler and baby ... it's no fun.

If the only reason you're not getting married first is because you want a big wedding, put that aside you won't get it either way.

namechangemarch21 · 27/04/2021 12:08

Six years. I also wanted to be married first, but for a mix of 'good' and 'bad' reasons - I didn't want people thinking we were staying together because we'd got pregnant by accident, I wanted us both to be legally protected, I wanted him to be automatically recognised as the father and to have legal protection and rights from birth.

In your case, I'd wait at least two years - there's a line about 'seeing the seasons change twice' before you commit to someone, its meant to capture both time but also the idea that you need to have weathered some kind of storm. Having children puts more strain on your relationship than you can imagine. I'd like to have spent time with friends children first, and done the usual chat about 'how do you think they handled that? Would you be strict? What kind of leave will we take/how involved will we be?' as it comes up. We were one of the last of our friends to have children and honestly hanging out and talking about our approach to parenthood based on real situations our friends were in was really helpful

We have one friend who is a ludicrously hands off dad, others who were balancing two big careers - it was good to get a real understanding of what we wanted to see in our own relationships.

I know you may have fertility challenges but in my experience people told they may struggle/need assistance can escalate things more than is proportionate in response. I think the biggest priority for your child is getting your relationship as stable as it can be: setting a good foundation of memories and love. Most of your relationship has been in a pandemic, give yourself a year of 'normal', plan a wedding and start ttc a few months before if you want.

Trixie78 · 27/04/2021 12:14

Married after 2.5 years, kids after 7 years. Usually I'd say marry first but as you're in the stronger financial position it's not as much right of a concern. Personally I'd say it's too soon for a baby. You don't really know this person yet, you have no idea the difference a child makes. It severely tests the strongest relationship and it doesn't sound like you've been together long enough to really be tested as a couple.

KindnessCrusader · 27/04/2021 12:14

Our first together was born when we had been together for 19 months. We've been together for 10 years, married for 8.

LemonPeonies · 27/04/2021 12:16

I was with my abusive exH for 11 years, we married because I wanted marriage before kids. The divorce is ongoing and I actually fell pregnant with my current DP only 9 months into our relationship. Do what makes you happy, I work full time as a nurse still so being married to my baby's father isn't that important to me now.

Swipe left for the next trending thread