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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Polly and her Dollies continue to improve in every way

962 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/04/2021 11:13

Can’t believe it, but here we are on Thread 5!

Thread 4 here

Just back from a 4.5 mile run - bit cold this morning! I’ve sea monkeys growing in the kitchen, soaps hardening in the bathroom, and the carpets are full of glitter. They had a great weekend!

The thumb also seems to be improving. Phew.

All on today to prep for tomorrow’s meeting with Geller. He really does seem broken. But I will not waiver.

Hope everyone had a good weekend and all health ailments are on the mend. Time to slap on some moisturiser - caught the sun this weekend - but look much better for it!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 28/06/2021 06:40

You’re doing just fine @StuckInPollyannaMode. I’m about 9 months ahead of you, but slightly older with older DC… which, I appreciate, does make a difference.

I’m finding that silence is indeed an excellent response, and only opening emails when you are ready to do so. It does drive them nuts, but also gives YOU back some control.

I’m sure the Dalai Lama has quoted something about silence, too.

LadyDanburysHat · 28/06/2021 09:38

So Polly do you know any other fathers who parent their children? It seems that it must be quite an unusual thing! What a prince among men he is!

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 28/06/2021 12:28

Oh.

My.

God.

I was at DI Dishy's last night (all is good - great in fact, he is ridiculously gorgeous and easy to be with) and all of a sudden my phone starts to ping. And ping.

GUESS WHO?!

Long rants about the kids behaviour, the fact that they're hitting each other, DD1 has ben challenging, she doesn't want to do anything, big issue over swimming, she's worn her football gear all day today, it's her new identity, she won't sleep in her bed, they say they hate each other

On and ON.

I just ignored because really, what can I do or say. DI Dishy was great, and yes I was upset.

Then this morning, THIS MORNING he has dragged her into school.

I get this message on my way home:

It's tough with how they are with each other at times. DD1 got wet in the long grass where I'd parked and refused to go to school. People start. At 8.55 I dragged her down the road and Miss X took her in. She was inconsolable. It was very difficult.

And then an hour later

It'll be over in her mind now. Be gentle with her. It's all about her resilience and ability to deal with things. I feel like shit but she'll have forgotten. She spends a lot of time cuddling me. She'll be tired as she went to bed at 10 and was up at 6. I can't get her to sleep in her bed. She watched the second half of the football with me. She was hooked and her conversation and questions were so advanced.

I mean. WTF????!

The man needs a parenting course and a slap and frankly I don't even know what I want to do because I just feel empty. It's the damage this will have done.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 28/06/2021 12:38

Delurking, but have been following you from the start. Am in awe at how far you have come.

I think you are correct though. His behaviour, his refusal to parent, his ongoing attempt to control and coerce you and the DC is doing them (and you) actual damage. It’s hard to see this not continuing.

Perhaps it’s time for you to rethink the current arrangement to try and ensure the DC get the stability they need at this point.

MangoBiscuit · 28/06/2021 12:41

Polly, do you want 50/50, or do you want a different split? I would speak with your solicitor first, but I would suggest that, if you want to, now might be a good time to say that he is not coping with 50/50, it's not working out well for the girls, and that you will be having them 70/30 for the foreseeable, until he has undertaken a parenting course or similar, to better prepare him for solo parenting.

I did similar with exH part way through our mediation. He was being a useless shitbag. My girls were coming home stressed out and tearful, they weren't fed properly, they weren't sleeping well at his, the 6yo was in aged 3 clothes etc etc I put my foot down. Ex agreed he wasn't coping, when presented with all the evidence, and as it was in front of the mediator, had to agree to take a course, and come up with a meal plan, before we could look at shifting back to a more equal split.

We are 50/50 again now, but it took a while, and the girls have settled much better.

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 28/06/2021 12:44

Sorry for typos in previous post, I was so cross I didn't spell check!

We currently split 65% to me, 35% to him. I think that's how it works out. He has them every Thursday and every other weekend for a long weekend from Friday pick up to Monday drop off.

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 28/06/2021 12:46

I don't know what I want. I want this to stop. I want to protect them. But at the same time, selfishly, I value my freedom and time away, and I want him to step up and be the father they deserve.

This time last year I was driving the girls to deliver DD2 to my brother for 3 weeks, when we were trying desperately to sort things out for DD1.

I say we. I mean I was.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/06/2021 13:04

This is a really tough one.

He shouldn't have been messaging you at all. Yes fine he could have been giving you the final update to keep you informed.

You do need your down time. He does need to learn to parent them both.

I would be tempted to bounce back that he needs to do a parenting course urgently AND the ones specific to DD1s needs urgently.

Perhaps you should just say if he isn't prepared to then clearly he won't be able to have them overnight anymore and you will have to use a babysitting service and childcare due to his inability to adequately parent.

Most DC do adapt to different rules in different homes but perhaps they need to be at yours on a Sunday night with it being a school night and he should have them every Friday unless you are taking them away?

Lougle · 28/06/2021 13:36

Do you think the school are keeping records of how the girls present?

It does sound like the overnights aren't working, tbh. Your girls are so little, they shouldn't be going to bed at 10pm, then being blamed for their behaviour. The fact that he is documenting it just shows that he has no idea about what sensible boundaries are.

SpringCrocus · 28/06/2021 14:01

Sounds like the girls need to be back with you Sun tea time. He is useless, isn't he.

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 28/06/2021 14:08

I have messaged back. (Another step forward in that I did it all by myself, not by asking you all or my friends!)

Of course I will be gentle with her, and it sounds like they both need an early night. This needs to be solved, either by you doing a parenting course, or the pair of you having therapy together - she won't have forgotten and I do a lot with her that she doesn't realise around self-esteem and resilience, both of which things like this will effect.

Next week I will email to discuss the shape of the next school year as it sounds like the current arrangement isn't working for the girls if they are that short of sleep and upset at the start of the school week. The girls need you in their life but it needs to come at a lower emotional cost for them and for me.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 28/06/2021 14:20

Wow Polly, that is an incredibly strong, and very powerful response. And incredibly restrained! You are so brave!

Maxiedog123 · 28/06/2021 14:24

@SpringCrocus

Sounds like the girls need to be back with you Sun tea time. He is useless, isn't he.
Agree, back at yours Sunday teatime to be prepared for schoolweek. I know how hard it is , I have an ASD son with sleep difficulties, but encouraging child with maybe SEN to stay up til 10pm the night before school watching football.......well words fail me....how on earth does he not realise that this is incompetent parenting
Maxiedog123 · 28/06/2021 14:28

It's only one less night a fortnight, but might help the girls be settled for school, at least til he gets a grip

Maxiedog123 · 28/06/2021 14:30

And he sends you this stuff in writing, he must be completely insightless

SpringCrocus · 28/06/2021 15:26

Yes, at least he's kind enough to provide you with lots of written evidence of his utter uselessness!

Justilou1 · 28/06/2021 16:06

Something that really needs to be said here too, is that he is still writing as though you are responding to his every thought process after he has sent a message. I know you’re not, it’s just obvious that he’s using messaging you as some kind of decompression when he’s frustrated with the girls. That’s utterly inappropriate. He needs to man up with his own feelings and deal with them himself. You’re not his counsellor, his wife or even his friend.

RandomMess · 28/06/2021 16:46

@Justilou1 exactly that's why I said all those messages to Polly were completely inappropriate.

I think you need to block him whilst the girls are in his care, no messages in a true emergency he can phone you but no what's app or emails or whatever. If he then texts you instead then he will have to use an agreed friend to contact you in an emergency.

He still thinks they are your responsibility when it's his time with them. No wonder you need the break because you don't actually get one do you?

AcrossthePond55 · 28/06/2021 16:56

I'm sorry but I agree that the girls need to be with you on Sunday, preferably starting in mid-afternoon at least for now. They obviously need 'decompression time' before the start of the school week. I know and understand you wanting your free time, but it's just not working. The girls are being disrupted and upset by his behaviour and lack of self-control and you are being upset by his incessant and inappropriate messages.

IF his messages are accurate (is there any chance he's just trying to upset you/get you to 'take over' his time?) I honestly think he needs to have supervised contact. If he's really 'losing it' so easily, maybe having someone watching over his shoulder would make him think twice before behaving like such a tit.

SpringCrocus · 28/06/2021 17:39

Can he switch to his weekend starting Thurs pick up, and ending Sun lunch time? That way, he still has the contact with them, and the responsibility to actually parent them to go to school on Fri, but if he screws up it doesn't have such an impact on their sleep? (because if they are tired Fri morning, they have Fri and Sat to recover?)

Would that be worth a try, as it still gives you three nights and 2 1/2 days "off duty"

SpringCrocus · 28/06/2021 17:41

It also means he has them every Thurs, even if it is not "his" weekend, so that would be a routine for DD1

JustinOtherdad · 28/06/2021 17:45

Jesus effing christ! He's an absolute arsehole.

He's obviously got control issues, and an evident inability to be empathetic. But he's also hugely narcissistic. "I feel shit" poor you. "She'll have forgotten" she won't. "her interest in football was soooooo advanced", 'aren't I a great parent and my protégé's obvious intellect is a result of my own'. Fuck. Off.

Sorry, not very constructive but he's such a piss-boiler.

Lougle · 28/06/2021 18:16

@StuckInPollyannaMode

I don't know what I want. I want this to stop. I want to protect them. But at the same time, selfishly, I value my freedom and time away, and I want him to step up and be the father they deserve.

This time last year I was driving the girls to deliver DD2 to my brother for 3 weeks, when we were trying desperately to sort things out for DD1.

I say we. I mean I was.

I genuinely don't think he has it in him to be that parent though, Polly. Certainly not without a lot of support services. The very fact that you are heading to court and he is documenting that he 'dragged her down the road' and that she'll be tired because 'she went to bed at 10 after watching the football with me...' He's basically saying that his desire to watch the football overrode her need to be settled in bed. He didn't want to break away from the game to do the parenting, so he let her sit up with him.
LannieDuck · 28/06/2021 18:30

Great response. He's had time to adapt. I agree that you need to start pushing back on his inability to adequately parent. He's admitting as much to you in writing - I think it's right that you're start to address it.

DartmoorDoughnut · 28/06/2021 19:32

You’re a rockstar Polly