Polly and her Dollies continue to improve in every way

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Can’t believe it, but here we are on Thread 5!

Thread 4 here

Just back from a 4.5 mile run - bit cold this morning! I’ve sea monkeys growing in the kitchen, soaps hardening in the bathroom, and the carpets are full of glitter. They had a great weekend!

The thumb also seems to be improving. Phew.

All on today to prep for tomorrow’s meeting with Geller. He really does seem broken. But I will not waiver.

Hope everyone had a good weekend and all health ailments are on the mend. Time to slap on some moisturiser - caught the sun this weekend - but look much better for it!

WON'T pay

Excellent... doubtless he will now send so disappointed co parenting massages, whining about how you are obstructive.

Oh fantastic! Well done!

@Mix56

Excellent... doubtless he will now send so disappointed co parenting massages, whining about how you are obstructive.

Oh absolutely, it will be all, I'm just thinking about the girls Polly, our daughters, it's such a shame we can't co parent well, blah blah blah.

De lurking again to say you fucking rock. (Think I have NC since my last WTG) post.

Love love love how you stood up for yourself and shut the door in his face. I did a silent cheer when I read it.

You are doing amazing! Fantastic that he’s messaging you about all this, gives you lots of lovely evidence that he can’t cope with the girls for the time he insists he wants.

Just want to say that I too am cheering you on!

Standing up to him to his face is such a powerful act and took real courage.

Be very proud of yourself and enjoy every day. 💖

Rather than “This has been explained to you.” I think you need to go in heavy with “What is so difficult to understand from what has already been explained to you? If you can’t grasp it - seek legal advice.”

Has Geller been in contact since The Doorstep Talk? Any acknowledgement of what you said, or just more running commentary on his needs?

Morning my lovelies

How was everyone's weekend? We had a really lovely time but I'm feeling very Monday morningish.

Took the girls to Gellers yesterday. They didn't want to go. And they want to change their surname to match mine (I closed that one down and said we can talk about it when they're old enough to get their ears pierced). He was almost crowing at me at the door. He clearly thinks he's superior in some way. What he doesn't know is that there's a letter heading his way from my solicitor. Being sent today.

Ran in the rain, on a new route. Pounded it out. And then saw a hare running across the field - amazingly beautiful. DI Dishy came over in the afternoon and we had a lovely time, in spite of the fact he wasn't feeling well and we watched Gavin and Stacey, read the papers, made supper from an instagram recipe I'd wanted to try, talked and cuddled. When he left neither of us wanted him to go.

And therein lies my problem.

I've realised I'm falling for him. Hard. And he's not on the same page - he's not ready for a relationship I don't think. Nothing has happened, nothing has been said. It's what's not been said. And I'm not this cool breezy chick, I want a relationship.

We'll see what happens. But my barriers need to go back up.

Swings and roundabouts eh?

Going to focus on me this week. Booked in for yoga. Going to do my pilates and run and eat well and enjoy the time with the girls in the evenings. I've a girls night planned for Saturday night and lots of work on. Just need to come up with something for Saturday day - suggestions welcome!

Sorted - off to a food and drink festival with a friend. Phoned her on the off chance she's free and she sounded so delighted to hear from me, was lovely.

Just keep repeating to myself, control what you can control and don't let the anxiety take over.

Glad to hear your weekend was good, I covered 9.5 k yesterday (ok it took me 80 minutes but still I bloody did it!) this is down to you!!

It's a tricky one with names but they can use a "known as/ preferred name" at school for example then address it later on in a legal sense if they want to.
As for Dishy it's difficult because you can't put it back in the can once things are out there. As easy it is for me to say try and enjoy it for what it is right now, he's making you happy right now the future will take care of itself.

Hope the girls are ok when they come back!

I've realised I'm falling for him. Hard. And he's not on the same page - he's not ready for a relationship I don't think. Nothing has happened, nothing has been said. It's what's not been said. And I'm not this cool breezy chick, I want a relationship.

I think you need to appreciate where you are right now vs in a relationship (even a good one). Think about the autonomy you have now, the freedom you have recently gained. You don't want to give that up so soon. It's lovely that you have DI Dishy to spend time with but isn't it also lovely to not have to consult or consider him in your day to day life?

My dear friend has always had the need to 'have a man'. Of course we're much older than you but she's finally realized the peace and security of living on one's own (even with small children) and being able to make her own decisions without regards to the wants and needs of another adult. Don't be too eager to surrender that. Especially since you're just out from under such a suffocating relationship.

Are you properly falling for DI Dishy or is it more lust as you've been without amazing physical and sexual contact for years?

I don't want you to get hurt Polly so either your feelings need to be put back in a box and you risk getting hurt eventually when you cant keep the lid on or you speak to him about what you are and also risk getting hurt.

I think the problem is that your 'thing' has very blurred lines - its part relationship and part friends with benefits. It might be better if the lines were clearer.

I think you were on the dating site as not looking for a full relationship (or similar) and now you've met someone nice you've changed your mind, I think DI Dishy was the same with what he wanted.
He probably isn't expecting you to change your mind but surely he is not blind to the blurring of the lines.

I agree with the previous poster, I'm not sure you truly want a full relationship but maybe a semi or lite version one. You should enjoy your freedom and really think about what you need.
DI Dishy isn't available all the time due to his work so maybe that's why he doesn't want a full relationship.

What do you actually need and want in terms of relationship/sex?
Not what does society say you should have but what you actually want that fits in with your life?

Once you know what you want you can then decide how you get it and whether you need to speak to DI Dishy.

See it as ' in lust ' you are getting your right buttons pressed, and it feels good !
Look around you and see what you have , and how much having a man about more regular would impact that .

Well done you @Fooshufflewickjbannanapants!

I ran it out. And I've had a good day workwise and I'm on top of the housework and I've thought and thought. Which has led to another realisation, which in part feeds into the DI Dishy stuff.

I need to flip my thinking 180 degrees, from being 'how do I deal with the anxiety' and 'I feel so insecure because I don't know what this is' - because I think that is the old me, and that's why I think its been such a struggle, the two sides fighting each other - to working on my confidence and self respect and value myself more.

I AM struggling with the fact that this is blurred lines, you're all right. I'm also struggling with the fact that it was so full on and so lovely to begin with, but that we have both drawn back now (which was agreed upon) but I find that actually quite hurtful. It's like I was shown an entire vat of melted chocolate and given a spoon but only managed to have one bite before it was snatched away from me. I can still see the vat, I can touch the vat, but I have no spoon and no way of getting to it. If that makes any sense.

I don't want him around full time (nothing against him at all!) and I do very much value my freedom, I am loving the autonomy. I think it's more about affirmation and security. And respect about what I need - I'm struggling to define what that is though.

I'm also concerned that it will build up and explode and I'll say something I wish I had kept in the can.

I think if you're used to being in a relationship, it feels like something is missing when you're not. I didn't struggle with that because my relationship went to shit really slowly and I also had support and counselling coming out of it. There wasn't a dramatic moment when I (or he) left, the process of it becoming broken was already complete by then.

I do think it would be good for you to be single for a while. Already you are having these major insights about yourself, you're back in therapy, you're dealing with some really tough stuff. And once you've worked through that, any relationship you do have will be SO much better! But the conflicting emotions make absolute sense. Just take a moment to step back from them and decide what you're going to do with them.

Yes I agree it’s nice to have something/someone to fill the gap (so to speak!!) left by Geller - and however much of an utter twat he is he will have left one - but DI Dishy would be better timing in another six months/a year sort of thing.

I can still see the vat, I can touch the vat, but I have no spoon and no way of getting to it. If that makes any sense

In these cases you just say "That was a good spoonful, but eating the whole vat would most likely make me pretty ill" and you refocus your attention on the things that you DO have instead of the things you don't. You DO have DI Dishy to enjoy things with when you feel like it on a more casual basis. You DON'T have to worry about the usual 'where are we' questions with a new relationship or 'what does that mean' when he says X or does Y. Because today is today and tomorrow will reveal itself and who really cares anyway?

I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. It was a long and hard road to learn how to tuck it safely back inside my shirt where it belonged!! But I learnt that once one is able to do that, life is a lot less stressful AND that one knows right where it is when the time is right to give it to the right someone (if he/she comes along).

Ha! I was going to come up with a diabetes metaphor!
Nothing like constant intimacy to utterly kill the intimacy. You’d be washing his skidmarks and complaining about the loo seat being left up in no time. Also, expectations about meals, bills, time off, blah, blah, blah…. Prioritize the women in your life right now please.

Di Dishy is Mr Right Now but possibly not Mr Right .
Enjoy it while it lasts.
People come into your life for a
Reason
A season
Or a lifetime
Go enjoy your " Hot Girl Summer "
( google it , I had to 😂 )

You are looking for the answer to many things at the moment - this is a time of great upheaval. It must be exhausting!

DI Dishy sounds to be the answer to at least one part of that... but not the answer to everything.

The powerful desire for this to be 'a relationship' is perhaps not all about him but is actually a part of wanting to have that whole solution - to have everything better and sorted.

As has been pointed out above - you have a number of things to experience and to work out that a full on relationship would inhibit. It could be a frying-pan - fire situation. You might just miss out on a whole solution that includes a whole single self.

Hope you’re doing ok Polly

I'm here, I'm ok! This week has been nuts with work, kids haven't been easy and therapy was really tough on Tuesday. More jigsaw pieces falling into place.

On the plus side, a massive work opportunity which is absolute karma when it comes to the Geller situation has appeared, which I'm keeping everything crossed it comes off because then....mwahahahaha.

FFS Geller continues to surpass himself. He has received my solicitors letter. And has sent me a long ranty email. Apparently I am making his life a misery and he will have to live in penury and I should think long and hard about the fact that he is so willing to buy the girls school shoes and ballet kit which goes above and beyond maintenance. I'm fortunate that he is willing to play a role in their lives and it's too hard to set up a second log in for out of school club so do it once and honestly he doesn't see why I shouldn't.

He's paid for the new car out of savings as he didn't think it was environmentally friendly to have a diesel car any more. But that's ok, as I now have the ability to work practically full time.

I'm so BORED of him. It's so tedious. I don't even want to think about it and him any more, I just want to get on with my life. Do my thing.

I yelled FUCK OFF, had breakfast in bed and a rant to a friend, and now I'm talking to you all before doing some work and going for a run then meeting a friend for coffee. I've a lovely weekend coming up, I'm playing tennis tonight for the first time in ages, and nice things on Saturday. I'm not wasting a minute of it on him.

Right. Firstly, apologies to you all for my wobble this week re DI Dishy and thank you for listening to me womble on. It wasn't, as so many of you will have put your finger on, actually anything to do with him really. It's about me facing up to me. I am in a much better place now and I've done a lot of soul searching and been honest with myself.

I don't want a relationship. The only relationship I want to focus on right now is the one I'm having with myself (apart from the kids, obviously). What I do want is respect and fun, and the level of communication between us needs to be addressed. Nothing else. That can unfold as it's meant to. But if he's not prepared to address that, or isn't ready for a bit more than friends who fuck, then I'm worth more than what he can offer. And that's ok. I don't need to compromise myself for him. To be fair to him, I don't think he'd expect me to. I haven't gone all nuclear on him, I haven't melted down, but we do need to redefine the boundaries. We're both intelligent adults and communication is key. It doesn't need to be heavy or laden with intent.

The long ranting email.

You should appreciate he is taking an active role in the girls lives 😂😂😂😂😂 where is the Gellar translator. It's quite funny that he is still trying the emotional blackmail on you and best of all it doesn't seem to be having the same affect on you.

I would be tempted to reply "your thinly veiled threats don't work on my anymore" but it just feeds his sense of superiority and self importance. He's just a self-righteous bully.

When therapy is hard work it means you are tackling the things you need to.

Keep on keeping on