Polly and her Dollies continue to improve in every way

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Can’t believe it, but here we are on Thread 5!

Thread 4 here

Just back from a 4.5 mile run - bit cold this morning! I’ve sea monkeys growing in the kitchen, soaps hardening in the bathroom, and the carpets are full of glitter. They had a great weekend!

The thumb also seems to be improving. Phew.

All on today to prep for tomorrow’s meeting with Geller. He really does seem broken. But I will not waiver.

Hope everyone had a good weekend and all health ailments are on the mend. Time to slap on some moisturiser - caught the sun this weekend - but look much better for it!

Silly question but why are you accommodating his 6 changes?

Have you ever replied to a change request ‘have you noticed you’ve asked for 8 changes to schedule over the next few weeks alone and im accomodating 6 of them? Have you also noticed that I rarely ask you for changes because I arrange my life and work to prioritise my contact time with our children? I expect you to be aware of this and unless you are physically on fire, prioritise your remaining contact time with the girls for June, not expect me to be your doting wife and further rearrange my schedule for you.’

Polly his many schedule changes sound like another way to keep you on a string.

They require you to respond to him.

Isn't this just controlling behaviour?

It really hasn't been established that he has responsibility on his days.

Polly, I mostly lurk and admire your tenacity - but have come out to say what an inspiring update that is. My STBEX is a poor version of FFSGellar and irritates the hell out of me, so I am full of admiration for how you cope with Gellar.

Good point raised above, if he can't cope with his responsibilities termtime, has he worked out how he's going to cope during the school holidays? ....

I have also been silently cheering you on; I don't know how you have maintained you sense of humour and patience with Gellar's antics.
This may not be relevant - I'm no lawyer - but does the precedent of his previous two marriages have any bearing in your case? I think I remember you mentioning previous DC; does he have any contact with them? Or has your SHL decided to focus on his useless organisational skills with you? If he's carrying on like this before the court case, when you'd think he was trying to impress the judge with his determination to be a good, well-organised parent?

yes, re contact, just respond,
No, you are taking the piss now, that is 6 changes I have agreed to,
You will be required to find an alternative solution. Like pay a baby sitter
or I can have them more, and will require you to adjust the finances accordingly, either way you will find you have to pay for child care for your children when you are responsable for them.

My anxiety is through the roof. I have received 5 messages this morning.

Don't get me started on the bloody school holidays. One message is asking my permission to take the girls to London in the holidays and then goes on to lay out in excruciating detail what he's planning to do in the rest of that week. Which is his contact time so crack on.

The last of which reads

Wednesday x July. I now need to be in a workshop at HQ and I'm possibly covering your film session (which was a change agreed). Can you book the girls into out of school club and DD2 will need to miss her dance. If I could pick up at 5.15 assuming you're away (which he's supposed to be covering anyway) that would enable me to do most of the workshop. Is that ok? Can you book through your account.

HE DOESN'T GET IT. I can't cope with this shit, I really can't.

I have emailed out of school club to ask once again if he can have his own account so he can book it directly if he needs childcare on his time.

The only reason I agreed to the 6 changes is that all of them work for me, although I did negotiate on timings. Two of them allow me to work on location for a client overnight, which is one of the changes mentioned above. One enabled me to book a date night with DI Dishy at an event we both want to go to

I've not heard back from SHL but know he is picking up his new car today.

I haven't responded at all. I'm all for friendly co-parenting but I'm pretty close to just throwing my phone out the window. I'm going to respond later today, once I've had a run and calmed down a bit. I was going to leave him to stew til tonight but I've got a nice yoga class booked so I don't want to ruin my zen from that by doing it after.

He's just controlling me. Again. How do I break free?

You don't break free, you detach. Which you are already doing by not responding. The London trip does not merit a response at all - it's his time, he cracks on.

The after school club needs to get its act together and give him a separate account. You're getting divorced, you are living as separate households, they need to deal. Get firm with them.

Once that is done, he cracks on with out of school club bookings as well. The number of things he can't do himself will dwindle. You've already set boundaries on those things where he needs to be left to it. It doesn't feel like it, but you are achieving everything possible - it just takes time and effort.

Enjoy your run, deal with his shit and get on with the rest of your day. You will get there. One day at a time.

“I am NOT your secretary. Any bookings required for the girls during your contact time MUST be made by YOU. Similarly do not inform me of what you are up to with the girls during your contact time.”

Alternatively “fuck off you utter cockwomble. We’re getting fucking divorced for a reason you egotistical piece of shit. Make your own fucking bookings and leave me the fuck alone. Unless the girls are ill or hurt I do not want to hear ANYTHING from you.”

I don't know what I'd say to that, but I'd probably melt the phone with swear words...

He clearly can't cope with childcare on his days.

Or just single word answers so he can comprehend aka NO

I think you've been more than reasonable. At this point I would become immovable.

You won't be accommodating any further changes to the schedule for the rest of the school term - he's responsible for sorting childcare on his days. That includes afterschool club - if he wants to use it, he needs to contact the school to ask for an account.

And then just stick to it. Your reply to every request can be "I won't be accommodating any further changes to our childcare arrangements until the end of term."

(Just make sure before you do it that you won't need to make any schedule change requests!)

He needs to sort out his own accounts for any childcare, and book the girls.in if they need childcare on his time. What he does on his contact time is his decision, he's their dad, he can bloody well act like it.

Detach detach detach, and grey rock all the way.

'You will need to book childcare for your contact time.'

'The children are your responsibility during your contact time'.

'Booking childcare during your contact time is your responsibility' etc etc

I can see that it is sometimes convenient to change things but it might be good to make a point of sticking to your set days/times for a while.

He needs to get used to being responsible and to think about arrangements as something he gets on with on his days. You'll get the benefit later.

Being too flexible just opens up possibilities for him to plague you!

Can’t someone just… run him over?

Yes, I know you said the 6 changes were helpful to you, but they have just reinforced his sense of entitlement to have everything his own way, and that you are there to oblige.

I think you need to send him this:

"I am happy to accommodate the 6 changes already agreed (x,y,z,a,b,c). If you have a conflict in your diary, I am happy for
you to offer me the option of caring for the girls on that day. However, I don't need to know, and think it's inappropriate for you to tell me the specific details of that diary conflict - we are not in a relationship and it doesn't affect me.

If you have a diary conflict, you can simply ask if I would like to have the girls on x date. If it is not convenient for me, I will tell you and then you will need to book alternative childcare. You need to set up an account with the after school provider because we are now separated and childcare is your responsibility on your contact days.

I do not need to be told the details of how you intend to care for the girls on your contact days. They are your responsibility on those days."

Sends my blood pressure sky high just reading it. Can you bat it back to him? It's his responsibility to make any rearrangements and if he can't sort an account he needs to arrange to pay them, he also needs to cancel dd's class himself and find out how to do that all on his own. But you know that anyway Polly sending you strength to deal with his fuckwhittery

I like that Lougle, I do thing he needs to be told in very clear words that what he is currently doing is not okay.

I’d tell him to contact the asc and sort out his own account!

I think I would ignore everything in his messages apart from the after school club/dance points:

Dear X,

It is not sustainable for me to book childcare and/or cancel the DC's activities on days when the children are with you.

You can arrange after school care directly with the provider [contact details].

The contact details for DC's dance class are [contact details].

[I will drop the DC off on [day etc] as usual]

Yours etc.

I think just be continuously reasonable but unhelpful and keep batting it back to him! Good luck!

Wednesday x July. I now need to be in a workshop at HQ and I'm possibly covering your film session (which was a change agreed). Can you book the girls into out of school club and DD2 will need to miss her dance. If I could pick up at 5.15 assuming you're away (which he's supposed to be covering anyway) that would enable me to do most of the workshop. Is that ok? Can you book through your account.

He still thinks you are his PA. I know you know this, but I wonder if there's a point at which you need to say explicitly and in words of one syllable that you are not his PA. That on his time, he needs to arrange child care.

Sorry, I'm teaching my grandmother to suck eggs. Huge sympathies & solidarity

Oh, my loves. How you have all buoyed me up and made me braver than I ever thought possible.

Wish you could all be dancing round the kitchen with me to celebrate.

I just TOLD him to his BEMUSED WEASELLY FACE that I am not his nanny nor his PA and he needs to sort out childcare on his time and explain any changes to the children. If he has them they are his responsibility and I'm not interested in what they are doing as long as they are safe. That we are not in a relationship any more and I don't need to know.

Then I very politely said have a nice evening and shut the door IN HIS FACE.

(oh, and the new car? It's the same model that I bloody leased and paid for for 3 years. Even the same colour. He's so fucking unimaginative. It bloody KILLED him that I didn't say anything about it, he kept looking back at it clearly expecting me to - I will, but only via my lawyer)

Right, I'm off to yoga then wine walk with a friend and think very pleasant thoughts about this time 4 weeks ago when I went on my first date with DI Dishy.

Love you all. Thank you xxxx

Wahahay - way to go Polly! I'm going to have a boogie around my kitchen to celebrate, and oh my stars, I wish I'd seen his face!