Polly and her Dollies continue to improve in every way

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Can’t believe it, but here we are on Thread 5!

Thread 4 here

Just back from a 4.5 mile run - bit cold this morning! I’ve sea monkeys growing in the kitchen, soaps hardening in the bathroom, and the carpets are full of glitter. They had a great weekend!

The thumb also seems to be improving. Phew.

All on today to prep for tomorrow’s meeting with Geller. He really does seem broken. But I will not waiver.

Hope everyone had a good weekend and all health ailments are on the mend. Time to slap on some moisturiser - caught the sun this weekend - but look much better for it!

I might also add a comment to your next reply along the lines of "... if these workshops are likely to happen more often, you'll need to source an alternative childcare option. I appreciate being offered first refusal with the children, but I won't always be available."

Sounds like things are going well with DI Dishy. I always think it's worth remembering that we have so many ways to communicate now that we expect instantaneous responses and when we don't get them we worry or assume something is wrong. Considering 20 years ago this level of contact was nigh on impossible (probably meant we were all less paranoid) we still managed to establish relationships without it. Plus given the vagaries of his job his odd contact pattern is more understandable. Hope you have a lovely time.
Oh and make sure you can't do the next "favour" for FFSGellar when he asks, once shows consideration but anymore right now and he'll definitely start taking the p*.

Everyone got their tenners ready?

I’m a bit disappointed by this. I honestly don’t think the girls mind as long as they’re told. They are equally happy with with of us. In fact people have commented on this.
I have the ability here to flex that night, which won’t always be possible, and I think they’d be fine - even dropping back at 7.15.
Increasingly there will be pressure on certain days, I suspect Thursdays more than others, I can’t help that. I can manage it but can’t avoid it, otherwise why are they employing me?

Compared to most people, separated or otherwise, I offer a lot for my daughters. Can we not simply swap the Mon routine to the Tuesday here, where it happens to work?

OMFG.

I want to kill that man.

He's not 'angry', he's just 'disappointed'.

Look, Geller, the point is, that on your time, it's down to you to either be there for your kids, or provide acceptable alternative care. How about a babysitter? It's not down to Polly to cover for you, she is not your back up plan. Learn to fricking adult and parent, you moron! FINALLY!!!!!

It sounds like it’s going to be increasingly more sensible to go to 70/30 or EOW and one night in the week in that case, and adjust maintenance to reflect that…

At this point the answer is very easy

"The swap DOESN'T work for me"

It may work for him, the girls may not mind but it absolutely doesn't work for you!!

Of course it working or not for you hasn't even entered his head

I’m thinking of going back - in the morning - with

Look, FFSGeller, the point is, that on your time, it's down to you to either be there for your children, or provide acceptable alternative care. If the work situation is likely to be more often than the six times a year ish we discussed, you'll need to source an alternative childcare option. I appreciate being offered first refusal with the children, but I won't always be available.

It's not down to me to cover for you, I am not your back up plan.

Or is that too harsh and I should just send your short message above @RandomMess? (How was your ladies who lunch trip? Hope you had an awesome tine and weren’t too tired!)

So

The swap DOESN'T work for me on this occasion.

I'd keep it simple and just say the swap doesn't work on this occasion. Otherwise he will know he's got your back up! Short, succinct and to the point. Roll on Thursday for a bloody big snog with DID! 🤣🤣

I appreciate 1st refusal when you need childcare in your time which needs to form part of our agreement however swapping does not work for ME. I of course will also offer you first refusal should I require childcare on my days.

Basically set out you are not open to swapping else you will have this carry on because he hasn't got it though his skull that you are no longer default parent that should accommodate his work as your priority

Absolutely shattered, glad to be home, had a great time though shame I have to work rather than be a full time social butterfly

Not too harsh (long time lurker here). If you're short he'll think you're being awkward for the sake of it. It may not have occurred to him that it's for him to parent/ sort childcare without reference to you (crazy as that sounds to the rest of us).

I'd just keep it far more simple

As I said I can cover your Monday on this occasion but it doesn't suit to swap the Tuesday....

You don't need to say more... grey Rock...

Lol autocorrect changed that to grey Rick.... apt

I've been reading your threads and you've been handling everything so well. When he uses the term 'flex', it just makes me cringe so much - such management speak!

I'd be inclined to say something like 'the swap doesn't work for me on this occasion. While I appreciate being offered first refusal with the children, I won't always be available to cover for you. To confirm, when I am able to cover for you, I don't intend to swap my time with the girls as I want to maintain our routine as far as possible'.

Agree with the posters who had said to keep the reply short. Gives him less opportunity to try and pick at your response.

I can cover Monday 28th for you, however the swap doesn't work for me.

You need to get through to him that it is not his right to see the DC 45% of their time. If he forgoes his contact time that is his choice.

I don’t think your first suggestion sounds too harsh. I think he really doesn’t realise that he has to make his own arrangements and needs it spelt out to him unfortunately. I’d be careful about helping him out too much, even if it is workable for you, he has to learn for himself what to do when it’s his days with the kids and his plans change. He can’t just depend on you to drop things and be available at his request.

I think a slapdown might be in order right now. He has to get that you’re doing HIM a favour - it’s not reciprocal in this instance. Fool man.

You are going to court.

I am sure he is well aware the more you have the DC the more the courts will award you financially. I am 100% convinced this is why he is desperate to swap.

He doesn't want there to be evident he is only doing 30% care for the months running up to court.

Be absolutely clear you are not going to do him the favour of swapping. You know the girls are genuinely calmer/happier with you so it is for their benefit too.

"I can cover Monday 28th for you, however the swap doesn't work for me" as a PP suggested.

Short and simple, the shorter the better. Any long reply will just invite him to parse each phrase and come back with a line by line rebuttal.

Do think he needs it spelling out to him that if he can't have the girls on his days then he needs to find childcare - not you.

No need to sound angry or harsh; just point it out calmly.

Although staying calm in the face of the part about 'what are his work paying him for' is tough. So insanely patronising (and misogynistic). He still doesn't understand that his job is no different to yours or any other parent's- it comes second to childcare, ultimately, as the children need looking after - thus he needs to find appropriate childcare so he can do both effectively.

I agree that short and grey rock is the way. I also think be careful how much you agree to cover his days - I'd say do hardly any at all - just enough to paint a favourable image of you in the courts' eyes, but every time you cover it reinforces his idea that you are default for when it's inconvenient for him. Tell him you can't because you have "other commitments" (no need for him to know what).

@BillyTodd

I agree that short and grey rock is the way. I also think be careful how much you agree to cover his days - I'd say do hardly any at all - just enough to paint a favourable image of you in the courts' eyes, but every time you cover it reinforces his idea that you are default for when it's inconvenient for him. Tell him you can't because you have "other commitments" (no need for him to know what).

Totally agree. If he asks again (and he will) I'd tell him no. Then I'd only agree on an infrequent and irregular basis. And I'd be keeping scrupulous records of his asks, your agreements and your refusals.

Keeping in mind, of course, that 'turnabout is fair play' and that you'll need to have your alternative childcare plans in place since you'll never be able to depend on him for 'back up'.

Short and sweet definitely the way to go. Don’t get into long winded text exchanges with him.

I can help out on Monday but I will be keeping my day with the girls on Tuesday. Swopping days doesn’t work for me.

I agree. "I have checked my diary and I can have the girls on Monday. I don't need assistance with childcare on Tuesday."

You could add:

"It does sound like Thursdays are going to be busy for you, so I would look at your childcare options quickly- these things tend to get booked up very early!"