Polly and her Dollies continue to improve in every way

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Can’t believe it, but here we are on Thread 5!

Thread 4 here

Just back from a 4.5 mile run - bit cold this morning! I’ve sea monkeys growing in the kitchen, soaps hardening in the bathroom, and the carpets are full of glitter. They had a great weekend!

The thumb also seems to be improving. Phew.

All on today to prep for tomorrow’s meeting with Geller. He really does seem broken. But I will not waiver.

Hope everyone had a good weekend and all health ailments are on the mend. Time to slap on some moisturiser - caught the sun this weekend - but look much better for it!

Only agree if it works for you.
He does appear to be at least asking rather than telling.

I think it would be good if you could have a flexible parenting relationship that you both could benefit from.

However I do not think Geller is going to see you being flexible as accommodating him or that it should be a two way thing.

For now I’d say no.

Don’t give it any further thought. If he wants shared time with the girls, he finds a solution to his childcare problems that does not put you out.

So I’d go with (as per PP) no that doesn’t work for me.

I wouldn't do it. It will be the start of a long road of him taking the piss. He either needs to sort childcare or acknowledge they need to be with you more than the current arrangement and therefore pay you more.

He's made it clear this will be a regular thing - all the more reason for him to sort out dc/maintenance.

Don't do it. Sorting out childcare is an integral part of being a working parent and he needs to do it himself. His other option is for the DDs to be with you more and for his maintenance to be adjusted accordingly.

“I think you’re going to have to accept that this is your life now, and arrange your work accordingly.” (Or arrange a reasonable bloody child maintenance agreement.)

Whatever you do, don't being your reply with "Sorry"

I think I would say You were able to rearrange your plans, & expect him to reciprocate if the occasion arrises. but you agree that this is not going to become a "go to" solution for his child care arrangements.
He wanted 60:40, so he is responsible for organising alternative arrangements that do not include frequently offloading the children on you free of charge.

@pussycatlickinglollyices

Whatever you do, don't being your reply with "Sorry"

100% agree.

On one hand it's good to have flexible co-parenting. On the other he won't see it that way, he'll see it as getting what he wants.

I'd either say no you have have 'important' plans for that date or I'd say "Actually I've been asked to (fictitious) X on Y date (hopefully one with lots of tutoring) so we can just swap those two days". He needs to start getting that co-parenting is 'tit for tat', not a one way street.

I would be reluctant to be flexible yet, perhaps a couple of years down the line.

Personally in your situation I would just reply "not free that day"

It seems lovely to agree - because you can -BUT it is probably better to stick to the agreement rigidly until it is established in Geller's mind.

Hopefully later on you can be flexible and swap days as needed but maybe not yet. It seems that ex needs to get his head around the fact that if he wants 40% custody it will impact on his work/social life and that he will need to independently source childcare.

@Polly would saying no mean he'll dump DDs at one of your friends?

I’ve made him wait all day and just replied with

Yes I can do that Monday. No need to have them on the Tuesday, already got it covered.

If I don’t put my foot down now I’ll end up organising my life around him. Again. I’m all for a bit of flexibility but what’s this ‘increasingly this will happen’ bollocks. And I’m not having them passed around like parcels.

He wouldn’t dump them on a friend. He’d cancel their tutoring. And then dump them on a friend, or give out a load of shit to me.

Other problem. DI Dishy and I had some nice messages last night. However, he hasn’t mentioned getting together either tomorrow night or Thursday which we’d previously agreed. I haven’t mentioned it cos I’m bloody minded and want him to chase me. He’s not texted today.

Advice please? Inclined not to reach out again.

FFS Geller has replied

Reply:

Yes, but can I pick them up on the Tuesday instead and do tea, and drive them back?

No. No, Geller, you eternal head of twat, you cannot.

I have said

No it's fine, I'm ok to do pick up on Monday as a favour but otherwise let's stay to the usual days as it’s less confusing for them.

Bet you all a tenner he kicks off

I can see him as the kind of toddler that would hold his breath until he turned blue and passed out.

My nephew did that. Until he did it with my Mum, and she promptly stuck him under an ice cold shower.

From your posts today Polly, it looks as though his name is now ‘FFS Geller’ 😂

You need to be blunt with Gellar if he kicks off and just say "we'll sort yourself out for the Monday then, I offered to have them as a favour but that's the only offer I'm making"

Let him kick off. It's not your problem. You do not need to calm him down, or try to make him be reasonable. I find with ex, when he starts up, I limit replies to very short factual sentences, and always wait at least 10 minutes before sending anything.

So he goes "rant rant rant, I'm so busy and important, and I want

Thats the way ttho Polly

when he cancels, due to work or whatever, thats his loss. He doesnt get to chop and change

Your days dont change just because his have

so long as you are happy to have the girls more and have no other plans.

keep a record, and if this happens alot, report a change to child maintanance. Its paty of his expecting you to fit your life around his plans.

He misses his contact because he cant be arsed to sort his work out, he loses his contact for that day. simple as that.

FFS Geller it now is.

He hasn’t read my reply yet.

He can fuck off.

DI Dishy just called. We talked for 45 minutes and we’re going for a dog walk and pub dinner Thursday night! Now know what has been going on and is far more understandable.

It's going to take time to build trust with DI Dishy. You're doing well, just keep taking it steady.

As for Geller, don't be too obliging. He's always going to mess you about because that's how he sees you - as lesser.