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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Polly and her Dollies continue to improve in every way

962 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/04/2021 11:13

Can’t believe it, but here we are on Thread 5!

Thread 4 here

Just back from a 4.5 mile run - bit cold this morning! I’ve sea monkeys growing in the kitchen, soaps hardening in the bathroom, and the carpets are full of glitter. They had a great weekend!

The thumb also seems to be improving. Phew.

All on today to prep for tomorrow’s meeting with Geller. He really does seem broken. But I will not waiver.

Hope everyone had a good weekend and all health ailments are on the mend. Time to slap on some moisturiser - caught the sun this weekend - but look much better for it!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
bigbaggyeyes · 09/06/2021 07:42

Shorter messages are better. But I think I'd also put something in there about him having a childcare option if he's required to work on the days he has the dc.

It really doesn't occur to him that you might have plans, and even if you do, he simply expects you to change them. Ffs he drives me up the wall, I don't know how you haven't buried him under the patio yet.

RandomMess · 09/06/2021 08:04

In part it depends if you would rather have the girls more on a long term basis.

"If Thursdays are going to be problematic for you than we need revisit contact and I will have them more (I am not open to swapping ) or you arrange childcare.

Perhaps send that when he comes asking to swap a Thursday. When he whines about you refusing to swap "I have arranged my life around the contacted you insisted on, I am not able to rearrange to suit you"

Arghhhhhh

FFS Gellar

Mix56 · 09/06/2021 08:48

Random's Last version is good

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 09/06/2021 08:58

I sent

I appreciate first refusal when you need childcare in your time, which needs to form part of our agreement, however swapping that Monday for the Tuesday does not work for me on this particular occasion.

He’s replied

I am sad about your response. They’re in Out of School Club unless I’m being conned on that. I don’t think you have any idea the pain you’ve caused and how hard I’m trying. If you have work commitments and I have enough notice, I will always try and help. They’re my children too.

OP posts:
Sunbird24 · 09/06/2021 09:05

That doesn’t require a response.

RandomMess · 09/06/2021 09:19

No response required.

You could reply:

You have work commitments, I have done my best to help.

Which actually does make the point very clearly by using his phrase.

pointythings · 09/06/2021 09:20

There isn't a violin small enough to work with that response. Don't fall for the emotional blackmail.

MangoBiscuit · 09/06/2021 09:22

He's sad is he? Must have hit him in the wallet then. His reply totally backs up RandomMess's comment about him being desperate to swap due to how it's viewed in court.

drspouse · 09/06/2021 09:32

Does he think he'll get the out of school club money back if he takes them that day?

RandomMess · 09/06/2021 10:06

Again over looks DD needs for routine and consistency!!

Or you may want a stress free Tuesday with them over tutor hell Monday

Raaraaboonah · 09/06/2021 10:47

I am sad about your response. They’re in Out of School Club unless I’m being conned on that. I don’t think you have any idea the pain you’ve caused and how hard I’m trying. If you have work commitments and I have enough notice, I will always try and help. They’re my children too.

i took out the emotional bullshit. on his other two points:

  • they are in out of school club: noted
  • If you have work commitments and I have enough notice, I will always try and help: noted

neither of those two points need a response.

frazzledasarock · 09/06/2021 11:28

Keep a diary of contact session and changes he makes. And then put forward a revised contact schedule based on the days he can make.

Don’t swap days unless it suits you.

He needs to learn that when you’ve agreed contact, he doesn’t get to swap his days out with yours without your agreement.

The point of having a set contact schedule is that everyone knows what’s happening on any given day with regards contact.

And after school clubs cost money regardless of whether your DC attend or not. Is he going to reimburse you for days he chooses to remove your DC from the club as your paying for the days anyway. My DC also enjoyed out of school clubs as their friends went and they enjoyed the activities. They’d have been annoyed at being pulled out randomly.

I second not replying to his last email.

Fromage · 09/06/2021 11:42

It is not up to him to take the children on YOUR time. You have them Tuesday. He can't decide to take them then, even if he has had to offload them on 'his' day. You've done him one favour in having them when he should, now he's asking another favour and laying on the truly tragic attempt at emotional blackmail when you say no.

I expect you are devastated by the pain you have caused him.

ShowMeTheSugar · 09/06/2021 11:44

God he's exhausting. I wouldn't reply, or would reiterate:
I appreciate first refusal when you need childcare on your time and can support on that particular Monday. Swapping Monday for the Tuesday does not work for me.

He really doesn't care about their routine, your plans for Tuesday etc does he? Its all about money and control Angry

RandomMess · 09/06/2021 11:52

Wait until the school holiday "swap" requests start pouring in!!

mbosnz · 09/06/2021 12:25

Well, he's right about one thing. He is very trying. I don't know how you didn't go down the leg of lamb and patio route a long time ago.

WallaceinAnderland · 09/06/2021 12:42

The correct response from him after asking should have been, thank you. That's it.

But as he will always try to push your boundaries, take control, manipulate you into doing what he wants and, most importantly, find a way to force you to remain part of his life and engage with him, I think it's easier and less of a headache to just decline every time he asks you to cover his days.

From on, whenever he asks, just reply - No I can't cover that day for you, you'll have to arrange childcare' and leave it at that. Don't respond to any follow up messages because you have already given your answer.

PanamaPattie · 09/06/2021 12:49

Ask yourself - “would he cover my days”? We all know the answer.

bigbaggyeyes · 09/06/2021 13:07

I'm confused, why is he in pain? You've already told him you'll help out and have the dc on Monday which is what he's asked. It would have caused a whole heap more pain if you'd have said 'no I can't have the dc Monday'

He's whinging because he can't have them on Tuesday, this is not pain and no different to the usual contact. He's such a drama queen.

No need to respond, he's not asked you any question, just poured his emotional bullshit into you. If you must reply, send him a 👍

1WayOrAnother2 · 09/06/2021 13:10

You have just punctured his vision of the future - the one where he has the children on days that suit him and you (flex) take them whenever it doesn't.

I can see why he is upset. He is losing control of you all .
(I don't see anything in his communication about what would suit the children best.)

1WayOrAnother2 · 09/06/2021 13:13

For a man so lacking in understanding of other people, he is pretty good at pressing the 'irritation' button in his readers.

(Well done for counting to a thousand before framing a reply!)

Lougle · 09/06/2021 14:45

I do feel a little bit sorry for him, tbh. We're all thinking about this situation from the perspective of normal people, which would give us the impression that he's being really cheeky. But the reality is, from the history of these threads, that he genuinely believes he is completely reasonable and rational. So he must get a shock every time he gives his 'rational and reasonable' opinion and gets rebuffed. The trouble is that it wouldn't matter how many times he's told he's unreasonable, he won't believe it. So you can't win.

I would definitely have very firm plans for that Tuesday!

Newestname001 · 09/06/2021 15:15

I would definitely have very firm plans for that Tuesday!

Yes! And also ensure your lovely friends don't pick up his slack. I think he turned to them at the start with printing and admin he "couldn't" figure out?. 🌹

BillyTodd · 09/06/2021 15:16

@1WayOrAnother2

For a man so lacking in understanding of other people, he is pretty good at pressing the 'irritation' button in his readers.

(Well done for counting to a thousand before framing a reply!)

This x 100.

I look at most of his messages and see a clueless knobber. This one I look at and want to scream "YOU MASSIVELY MANIPULATIVE TOSSER!!". This one looks like he knows exactly what he is doing and how to emotionally manipulate Polly. It makes me wonder about his awareness and strategy the rest of the time...

DEEEPPPPP breaths Polly. The others are right, there is no need and no benefit to replying to that message. If you even mildly hint that he has got under your skin with that, he will take that as a green flag and play you like a violin. It's just not worth the immediate gratifiation in the long or even medium term.

(If I were you I'd be looking for a kick boxing class tonight to take out my immense frustration, hurt and anger though!)

Mix56 · 09/06/2021 15:24

"What is your problem here. You asked me to do Monday, I sais Yes.
I have plans for Tuesday, I dont actually see what you are whining about."

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