Difficult family situation

[baldafrique]

Wondering if anyone can advise on a tricky and long-standing family situation that has been stressing me out for years...

When I was about 12 (I'm now 33!) I was told by my DM that my younger brother (then 10) had been diagnosed with Aspergers. This was due to me starting to ask why he was different - never had any friends at all, other kids constantly asking me what was "wrong with him" , realised I had been part of some assessment process for him. My DM blurted it out to me and told me to NEVER tell anyone and make sure I never mentioned it to my DF either as he would be angry she had told me. Since then, I've had a few chats with her about it and it turns out my parents decided to not ever tell my brother he has ASD as they didnt want him to feel "labelled". He went to mainstream school and did well academically and has a great job now and his own house but his social relationships have continued to be poor and he has never had a partner or anything. More recently, my DM has told me that she actually did press for my brother to be told but my DF "forbade it" and basically told her that if there was fall out from telling him then it would be her fault. Its since become REALLY obvious that my DF has Aspergers himself (my DM agrees) and is worse affected than my brother even. His behaviours have always been quite extreme and I've spent my life trying to work out why he isnt like other fathers in so many ways. My DM is completely controlled by it all - she constantly walks on eggshells but feels she can never pull him up on his behaviour as "he gets so nasty" (verbally) and also "I guess he cant help it anyway as he likely has ASD so what's the point". She doesnt dare mention the possibility of ASD to him as apparently he would go ballistic. I can well imagine this - the whole family tip toes around him and his peculiarities. He is very obsessional and controlling and anxious. But refuses to do anything about it at all.

The whole situation gets me down so much and I dont even know why. I think it's the way everyone in the family is constantly pussyfooting around someone who doesnt even have a formal diagnosis and would refuse to get one. I also feel so guilty knowing my DB has ASD when he doesnt know himself and guilty ever confiding in people about this (eg my DH) as I feel I'm betraying my DM who is in a shit position herself.

Any thoughts would be so welcome - I can see the woods for the trees here :(

What is it you want to change/do?

I want to feel less guilty and responsible about he whole thing and dont know how to deal with either the DB's Aspergers without him knowing situation or the constant eggshells with my DF situation

Eg every time I see my DB I'm thinking you have this diagnosis you dont even know about and it just seems so wrong - surely he had/has the right to know?! I feel complicit.

Perhaps you should plant a seed with DB and ask him if he thinks he is ASD as you are absolutely sure Dad is and in some ways he is similar?

The issues with my DF come up constantly. A current example is that my parents have been invited to my BIL's (DH brother) wedding in a few months. My DF will just pull out on the day like he always does and will refuse to discuss why or give a reason. He just wont want to go. I think its social anxiety but dealt with terribly. Leaving me to try to explain to my DH's family why my parents arent there and come up with some kind of reasonable excuse. My DM finds it all so embarrassing but has no clue how to manage his behaviour either.

Start telling other people that you think DF is autistic. Tell PIL he will pull out tell Mum to bring a friend instead!

@RandomMess
That could be a way forward as DB has said to me many times how difficult our DF is and how he is convinced he has a diagnosable issue of some kind. My concern would be that DB would then say to DM oh Baldafrique and I think dad has ASD what do you think and then it will come out that I've raised it...but maybe I need to not give a shit about this. I feel like I've been put in a right shitty position tbh!

@CrazyNeighbour
He would not reply, walk out the room and not talk to me again. Honestly. He would be absolutely appalled.

Yep stopping giving a shit about pandering to your DF. Tell your DB about Dad and hopefully he will draw his own conclusions about himself.

You can hand on heart say that your DB is different to your DF just that they share some similar traits.

It's possible that your Dad is just a git as well as having ASD

@CrazyNeighbour
I think she would come by herself but would be mortified and upset to do so (but would hide this and be a good guest). He refused to come to their 35th wedding anniversary party and stayed upstairs and I found her crying in a spare room :(

This is so sad and actually cruel on your brother (through no fault of your own)
Such a difficult position. Are there any local asd charities that could offer support?

I'd tell your brother and sod the fall out. How horrific for everyone to know round him and not him.

Tell your Mum to start living her own life. He doesn't want to be sociable so leave him to it and start carving out her own life.

Blow it out of the water. It's your life too. You get a vote.

You do not have to discuss it endlessly with your own family of origin but I think you get a vote on how honest to be with your husband's family.

I would say to them that your parents are odd about it and it's the elephant in your room and they'd rather people felt let down when they didn't show up. But you would rather tell your in laws the truth. Your father will seems to have social anxieties, you're not exactly sure to what degree because it's never discussed honestly..........

Don't feel obliged to carry on this pretence that everything is ok when you're with your husband's family!

Your family of origin have this 'game', this narrative. But there's no reason why you have to perpetuate it for another few decades for the sake of your husband's family, who wouldn't believe the excuses anyway. I think they'd respect honestly.. You can't control your father.

Honesty in my view, is the best policy. It is a hideous secret to keep. I am scarred by family secrets, so I refuse to ever be part of one.

@RandomMess
That's the exact word - pandering. It's awful. It makes me not want to see any of my family as I find it all unbearable and bizarre. The only person I can talk to about it is my DF's sister who also thinks the whole thing is insane (she completely thinks he has ASD btw and also she knows my DB does as my DM also confided in her back in the day). She has been really upset by his behaviour too - like hosting meals at her house and us all arriving four hours late (eg when I was a kid so having to go in their car!) as my DF decided he didnt wish to leave home at the necessary time - meaning we missed the meals she cooked

It is truly disgusting that he doesn't know. Really bad. I would ask your mother to tell him, and if she doesn't you will. I would leave it with her for a few weeks, but otherwise would be honest. I would not have my integrity compromised in this way.

It is far better coming from her, but if not then you. It is very very poor form to be part of this, I would be honest and say you have only just found out and feel he has the right to know.

Maybe start by asking your brother if he feels different? But prepare to be scapegoated and demonised. I hope your husband is supportive.

I don't mean that you lie to him, but I would be sure to say you heard something about it when you were younger, but didn't understand it properly.

You are no longer a child, being told what to do, but an adult with knowledge. You need to make a decision about your DB and own it.

How does he feel about his relationship difficulties? How is his self esteem?

There are so many ways that people with ASD can make adjustments to make life easier/better for themselves and gain an understanding of how to manage, rather than struggle on and think that the problem lies with their personality.

Just tell your brother.

My concern would be that DB would then say to DM oh Baldafrique and I think dad has ASD what do you think and then it will come out that I've raised it...but maybe I need to not give a shit about this.

But your mum accepts her husband is probably ASD - so that’s not an issue, is it? And might give your mum a way to open up the conversation with your brother?

As to the BIL wedding, I’d insist to your mum that even if DF won’t go on the day, she MUST - you will escort her and look after her - or she must honestly but graciously decline the invite right now.

I know, I've always thought it was totally the wrong decision and have said this every time its come up in conversation since with my DM. Tbh it's not often and she HATES me bringing it up as it makes her feel guilty. She even shredded the paperwork from the assessment clinic in case my DB ever found it (e.g. when my parents pass away) and said she lives in fear he will see it on his medical records one day (it was NHS) and hate them for it. I said well tbh he probably will?! I was shocked my DM ever decided not to tell him and it made more sense when she later added that my DF had made the decision (tho I'm sorry but why the fuck didnt she stand up to him?!).