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Original poster

Difficult family situation

191 replies

baldafrique · 25/04/2021 19:36

Wondering if anyone can advise on a tricky and long-standing family situation that has been stressing me out for years...

When I was about 12 (I'm now 33!) I was told by my DM that my younger brother (then 10) had been diagnosed with Aspergers. This was due to me starting to ask why he was different - never had any friends at all, other kids constantly asking me what was "wrong with him" Hmm, realised I had been part of some assessment process for him. My DM blurted it out to me and told me to NEVER tell anyone and make sure I never mentioned it to my DF either as he would be angry she had told me. Since then, I've had a few chats with her about it and it turns out my parents decided to not ever tell my brother he has ASD as they didnt want him to feel "labelled". He went to mainstream school and did well academically and has a great job now and his own house but his social relationships have continued to be poor and he has never had a partner or anything. More recently, my DM has told me that she actually did press for my brother to be told but my DF "forbade it" and basically told her that if there was fall out from telling him then it would be her fault. Its since become REALLY obvious that my DF has Aspergers himself (my DM agrees) and is worse affected than my brother even. His behaviours have always been quite extreme and I've spent my life trying to work out why he isnt like other fathers in so many ways. My DM is completely controlled by it all - she constantly walks on eggshells but feels she can never pull him up on his behaviour as "he gets so nasty" (verbally) and also "I guess he cant help it anyway as he likely has ASD so what's the point". She doesnt dare mention the possibility of ASD to him as apparently he would go ballistic. I can well imagine this - the whole family tip toes around him and his peculiarities. He is very obsessional and controlling and anxious. But refuses to do anything about it at all.

The whole situation gets me down so much and I dont even know why. I think it's the way everyone in the family is constantly pussyfooting around someone who doesnt even have a formal diagnosis and would refuse to get one. I also feel so guilty knowing my DB has ASD when he doesnt know himself and guilty ever confiding in people about this (eg my DH) as I feel I'm betraying my DM who is in a shit position herself.

Any thoughts would be so welcome - I can see the woods for the trees here :(

OP posts:
Original poster
baldafrique · 26/04/2021 10:59

@blanktimes
Wow, so similar! Thanks so much for sharing that thread, I will check it out today. I've found it hard to find similar experiences online so that will be a useful read.

OP posts:
SwanShaped · 26/04/2021 11:00

No, there’s really not. Glad someone reported them. You seem very genuine and kind.

Original poster
baldafrique · 26/04/2021 11:05

Thanks @SwanShaped

OP posts:
sandgrown · 26/04/2021 11:45

@baldafrique yes he did suffer with anxiety and depression but I believe they are common with ASD. I lost patience because he would not engage with any therapies or self help strategies as suggested by professionals and he became verbally abusive.

HelpfulBelle · 26/04/2021 12:30

@ForwardRanger

When DS1 was diagnosed with autism level 1, they told me that it was still being referred to as Asperger's, because people recognise that it exists independently of a learning disability, and is a helpful 'shorthand'.

Callisto1 · 26/04/2021 13:13

I was a similar age to you @baldafrique when I realised that my family was dysfunctional. It was after I had a child of my own and had a new perspective about various situations in my own childhood. It hit me really hard to the point that I don't think I was a very good mother for the first two years of my child's life.

I would encourage you to have counselling and to get support with this. It might not affect you as much as it has me but it's good to be prepared in case some things become too much to deal with. It is good that you managed to confide in your DH, but in the long run that might not be enough. I don't mean to scare you! I am much better with it now and have more or less accepted the past. And am trying very hard to not be a parent like my parents.

ForwardRanger · 26/04/2021 13:22

[quote HelpfulBelle]@ForwardRanger

When DS1 was diagnosed with autism level 1, they told me that it was still being referred to as Asperger's, because people recognise that it exists independently of a learning disability, and is a helpful 'shorthand'.[/quote]
That's changed, it's just plain old ASD now. (autism isn't a learning disability)

HelpfulBelle · 26/04/2021 13:24

@ForwardRanger

DS1's very recent report says 'Autism Level 1, otherwise known as Asperger's'.

Original poster
baldafrique · 26/04/2021 14:39

@Callisto1 Thanks very much, I do feel utterly confused by the whole thing and sometimes even confused about exactly what I am confused about - if that makes any sense?! I just know there are some mega unhealthy dynamics going on that cause me a lot of pain (and I dont even know why I feel so much pain!). I think some counselling could be really helpful.

OP posts:
Callisto1 · 26/04/2021 16:03

@baldafrique when you grow up in a dysfunctional environment it becomes your normal. It's confusing when as an adult you look at past events and the naritive you were given no longer makes sense. I used to think that maybe i was the one in the wrong. But the more I look at my kids and think back the more I now realise how wrong things were in our family.

It's difficult to navigate these things, but talking about it helps even if it's strangers on the internet! I also occasionally lurk on the stately homes thread as some things there really speak to me. Good luck Flowers

Pviolet · 26/04/2021 16:42

Your loyalty should be to your brother who has been badly let down by his parents, in not telling him they have taken away so much. He struggles with relationships but may have no idea why, he hasn’t had the opportunity to talk through and develop strategies to enable more fulfilling relationships, he’s probably been wondering what’s wrong with him and why he can’t develop the relationships other people have. I can imagine him worrying about social situations and thinking there must be a problem with him in turn lowering his self esteem and inability to keep trying.
As you can tell this comes from a deeply personal place but the loneliness felt when you see and can’t have what other have easily, just never quite fit in or get it right is awful, understanding why opens up the world to opportunity.
Tell your brother.

Shemeanswell · 26/04/2021 16:49

I think it’s very likely your dad knows he is autistic. That probably has a lot to do with why he doesn’t want your brother to know about his diagnosis. He might feel guilt or shame about it. Your dad knows that sitting upstairs during your own party & waiting for everyone to leave isn’t ‘normal’ behaviour.

However, he is being very unkind in expecting everyone to dance to his tune. Your brother needs to know about his diagnosis. Again, it’s likely he already suspects that he is on the spectrum. It sounds like he’s doing pretty well without a diagnosis, but it’s unfair that other people know when he doesn’t.

I would speak to him then deal with the fall out. You can’t all continue to enable your dad’s behaviour.

billy1966 · 26/04/2021 16:56

Yours is a really sad story OP.

What an unbearable load your mother has forced you to carry.

Your poor brother, denied the dignity of knowing and understanding himself better.
So awful.

Your father, irrespective of what diagnosis that he may not have sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant character that has utterly bullied his family and to all intents and purposes has been a terrorist in the home.

What a shocking upbringing you have endured.

I think your brother deserves the truth and I would advise you to back as far away as possible from your father and try and live your life.

Your mother has put herself ahead of her children which she must live with.

She has failed your brother terribly.

Flowers
Original poster
baldafrique · 26/04/2021 17:12

@Pviolet That's the thing that gets me. Even if they thought at the time of diagnosis back in the 90s that telling him wasnt the best idea / too young etc (who knows) there has been all the many years since where it could (should) have been discussed. My DF was apparently so adamant that it was the wrong thing to do (to tell him) and then refused to ever discuss it again as an option. I cant understand it at all tbh. What was the point of going for the assessment (they had to really push to get the process going) aside from to get some more help/support for him at school?

OP posts:
Miasicarisatia · 26/04/2021 17:13

[quote baldafrique]@RandomMess
Interestingly she cites her reasons for staying as Fear Obligation Guilt! Fear that he would go nuts if she ended it and get nasty in the divorce.[/quote]
I hope she escapes to a better life, he sounds like The Thief Of Joy :(

Original poster
baldafrique · 26/04/2021 17:14

@billy1966 I think she definitely put her fear of my DF and how he would react ahead of what might actually have been best for my DB, 100%. I guess sadly that is quite common if/when people are afraid of their partners :(

OP posts:
Miasicarisatia · 26/04/2021 17:15

I think the 'D'F enjoys the feeling of power that he gets from knowing more about his son than the son knows
It's a way of keeping the son subordinate

Original poster
baldafrique · 26/04/2021 17:19

@Shemeanswell He definitely knows that it isnt normal behaviour in the slightest and I think that makes him even more stressed out and ashamed, which then makes him dig his heels in even more. You can almost see the suffering and that's why people accommodate as it's hard to see a family member suffering even if they never think about he feelings of others themselves! It's the nastiness around all of that I have a problem with, like there is absolutely no sense that others in the family might be upset or sad about things. None whatsoever. Like turning up 4 hours late to Xmas dinner at my aunties house because he didnt want to leave at the agreed time. When its pointed out that she may be upset by that - "OK let's not go at all then...I dont want to go anyway" etc. Argh!

OP posts:
Original poster
baldafrique · 26/04/2021 17:22

@Miasicarisatia Genuinely dont think that comes into it, hes not really that sort of person, but can definitely see why you would think that! It's more that he cant deal with any stress at all and feels stressed about the idea of DB knowing. Interestingly he hates any kind of argument or confrontation and will literally just walk out or stonewall refusing to discuss things. Like will just not reply and pretend you havent said something. Will never ever respond. This is one thing my DM has found really upsetting when she has tried in the past. He will literally walk off and say that he refuses to discuss it...at all...ever.

OP posts:
Miasicarisatia · 26/04/2021 17:25

Like will just not reply and pretend you havent said something. Will never ever respond
how has he managed to hold down a job or function in life at all if he stonewalls anything he doesnt like?

Original poster
baldafrique · 26/04/2021 17:27

@Miasicarisatia
God knows! I guess at work there arent really emotional conversations to contend with or people making any emotional demands? I did hear him once speaking to someone he manages when he was stressed out about a deadline and he was SO horrible to the poor guy on the phone I was shocked. He was always incredibly stressed about work and always hated the vast majority of his colleagues.

OP posts:
Original poster
baldafrique · 26/04/2021 17:28

Classic line is "we are not having this discussion" and walks away.

OP posts:
Original poster
baldafrique · 26/04/2021 17:30

(Obviously he will talk about a lot of stuff, just not anything that feels stressful)

OP posts:
Original poster
baldafrique · 26/04/2021 17:33

@Callisto1 Its definitely helped a lot already just getting things down and getting some feedback from other people. I've always been told "all families have tricky people" etc so have always worried I've just blown things out of proportion, but there are just so many endless upsetting and confusing examples that come up its impossible to ignore the associated feelings!

OP posts:
Miasicarisatia · 26/04/2021 17:35

@baldafrique

Classic line is "we are not having this discussion" and walks away.
Isnt he just a bully then? It's his way or no way... His MO is to intimidate people into doing what he wants! He just sounds intolerant and bad tempered but luckily for him he managed to trap your mum into smoothing the way for him - at the expense of her mental and physical well being (not that he gives a sh1t) or is he just not very bright?