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Original poster

Difficult family situation

191 replies

baldafrique · 25/04/2021 19:36

Wondering if anyone can advise on a tricky and long-standing family situation that has been stressing me out for years...

When I was about 12 (I'm now 33!) I was told by my DM that my younger brother (then 10) had been diagnosed with Aspergers. This was due to me starting to ask why he was different - never had any friends at all, other kids constantly asking me what was "wrong with him" Hmm, realised I had been part of some assessment process for him. My DM blurted it out to me and told me to NEVER tell anyone and make sure I never mentioned it to my DF either as he would be angry she had told me. Since then, I've had a few chats with her about it and it turns out my parents decided to not ever tell my brother he has ASD as they didnt want him to feel "labelled". He went to mainstream school and did well academically and has a great job now and his own house but his social relationships have continued to be poor and he has never had a partner or anything. More recently, my DM has told me that she actually did press for my brother to be told but my DF "forbade it" and basically told her that if there was fall out from telling him then it would be her fault. Its since become REALLY obvious that my DF has Aspergers himself (my DM agrees) and is worse affected than my brother even. His behaviours have always been quite extreme and I've spent my life trying to work out why he isnt like other fathers in so many ways. My DM is completely controlled by it all - she constantly walks on eggshells but feels she can never pull him up on his behaviour as "he gets so nasty" (verbally) and also "I guess he cant help it anyway as he likely has ASD so what's the point". She doesnt dare mention the possibility of ASD to him as apparently he would go ballistic. I can well imagine this - the whole family tip toes around him and his peculiarities. He is very obsessional and controlling and anxious. But refuses to do anything about it at all.

The whole situation gets me down so much and I dont even know why. I think it's the way everyone in the family is constantly pussyfooting around someone who doesnt even have a formal diagnosis and would refuse to get one. I also feel so guilty knowing my DB has ASD when he doesnt know himself and guilty ever confiding in people about this (eg my DH) as I feel I'm betraying my DM who is in a shit position herself.

Any thoughts would be so welcome - I can see the woods for the trees here :(

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/04/2021 20:06

Can things get any worse??

You don't want to spend time with them, your Dad is awful. If he cut you off would it make a difference to your life?

Your Mum will like still lean on you emotionally, she seems to really need you?

Discuss it with your Mum and give her the option of coming clean or you will tell DB and remind her how awful it was if her to make you keep a secret.

With your Dad I wouldn't see it as a loss, he gives not one shiny shit about anyone than him and that isn't all down to being autistic.

Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:09

@SelkieIntegrated
I think being honest with my DH's family could help a lot actually, trying to hide the madness from them too would just be too much. It's like my DM wants me to be complicit in constantly covering up for DF - like she has always made excuses like oh he has flu etc or is stressed with work. You're right - why should I play that game. My DH is very supportive. I cried when I told him as the guilt was so strong in telling the "secret". He said well its obvious both your DB and DF have ASD...its no surprise to me. He gets on with my DB but finds my DF incredibly selfish.

OP posts:
TheCanyon · 25/04/2021 20:12

You are just as complicit. You are an adult ffs.

RandomMess · 25/04/2021 20:12

Just tell DB that your DH thinks it's clear that he and DF are ASD and what does DB think?

Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:12

@provencegal
She never ever would - she would be terrified of how my DF would react. And terrified of how my DB would take having never been told before (they have a poor relationship anyway, always have done). But that doesnt mean I cant tell him, that is true...

OP posts:
Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:12

@TheCanyon Helpful, thanks...

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Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:14

@TheCanyon I'm not sure how many people would be happy for both of their parents to never talk to them again, which is exactly what would happen here. And knowing my DB would never speak to my parents again (he would be FURIOUS and quite rightly). Funnily enough, its quite hard.

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Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:16

@SelkieIntegrated
I think starting to broach it with my DB could be a good way forward. I could bring up the topic of ASD more generally and see where it goes. He will have definitely heard about ASD through his job.

OP posts:
ForwardRanger · 25/04/2021 20:18

Your brother has a right to know. And every right to feel extremely angry with his family who have deceived him for his whole life. This is not going to go well but the worst thing you could do is continue as is.

Tell your brother. Encourage him to read his NHS notes and to seek support from ASD organisations.

Tell your mum you won't be keeping her secrets any more.

Frankly who cares what your dad thinks given that he's never cared for anyone else's feelings. You and your brother are entitled to live without secrets and shame.

Definitely tell your friends! Don't miss out of any more of life bc of this unnecessary and toxic family secret.

Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:19

@NoSquirrels
That's true, she is really scared of him though and his extreme reactions of things. She didnt even confront him when he refused to come to their anniversary party - just never mentioned it ever again. It was heartbreaking. She never cries and to find her sobbing in the spare room when the party was going on (was at their house) was so sad. My father stayed in his bedroom throughout until the guests all left.
Yes she would definitely be up for coming to the wedding solo I think. In fact she would prefer it!

OP posts:
Landlubber2019 · 25/04/2021 20:20

Sorry you are in this position, it must be hard. However it would appear your father would not welcome any possible diagnosis and there is no suggestion that your brother would react differently. Of course I would mention it if either your father or brother opened up about their experiences and seemed troubled, otherwise I would keep schtum. Your dad is unlikely to change and there is no suggestion that your brother is unhappy, it's only really you who seems troubled.

Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:22

@RandomMess @ForwardRanger
I guess I've always believed he might not be able to help the way he is etc so it is wrong of us to expect more from him - I know he struggles hugely with so many things like the extreme anxiety. But yes at the same time he has never cared for our feelings at all. My self esteem was in tatters as a teen but I've been trying to improve it in adult life.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/04/2021 20:26

Just because someone has ASD it doesn't exempt them from being an arse or abusive as well.

Your Dad just does exactly what he wants when he wants. If your Mum wants to spend her life putting up with it that's her choice. Doesn't mean you or DB have to make the same choice.

Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:26

@RandomMess
It prob wouldn't make much difference really with my DF. I'm pregnant, due in 3 months, and he already calls the baby "the child" to my DM which I find upsetting. He isnt interested at all and didnt even want to look at the scan photos apparently (but why does my DM tell me this?!). Yeah my DM definitely leans on me a lot with how my DF is. Feel like her counsellor sometimes. She has loads of good friends but never discussed relationship problems with them as is obsessed with "loyalty" and not wanting friends to think differently of my father etc. I'm the only one she will be honest with about things. And my auntie, but she feels bad about that as it's my father's sister! But prob feels able to confide as obviously his sister knows exactly what he is like as apparently he has always been like this.

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Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:28

@RandomMess
Yeah I've wondered whether it is actually abusive behaviour. Esp thinking about how people keep abuse secret. The anniversary party situation was shocking, I was speechless. His words were "I never wanted a party anyway so I'm not coming". Good point about how you can have ASD and be abusive at the same time.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/04/2021 20:29

That's your Mums choice. Ask her why she is telling you such hurtful things?

You could even tell her that you don't want to be her counsellor anymore just her daughter.

Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:29

@ForwardRanger
I'm going to speak to my brother and nudge him in the direction of support.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/04/2021 20:30

Read up about Toxic Parents and the Out of the FOG website.

Fear Obligation Guilt

It's a very unhealthy dynamic and you need to change things before your DC arrives for your own sanity.

Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:31

@RandomMess
I did say "Gosh that's very strange, DH's father was thrilled to look at the scan pictures, how bizarre" in a way that I think communicated I was not impressed in the slightest. But yes I need to say stop telling me these things at all really. I think she gets shocked and needs to process them, but tell a friend ffs or a therapist.

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Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:32

@RandomMess
FOG - can relate heavily to those! I will check that out this evening for sure. I think the pregnancy is making me determined to make some changes with this shit.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 25/04/2021 20:33

Could you say they're invited but to feel no pressure to attend? That way you could say, "I know you don't enjoy that sort of thing, Dad, so why don't we leave it that Mum will come on her own and you can have a quiet day at home?"

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2021 20:33

[quote baldafrique]@NoSquirrels
That's true, she is really scared of him though and his extreme reactions of things. She didnt even confront him when he refused to come to their anniversary party - just never mentioned it ever again. It was heartbreaking. She never cries and to find her sobbing in the spare room when the party was going on (was at their house) was so sad. My father stayed in his bedroom throughout until the guests all left.
Yes she would definitely be up for coming to the wedding solo I think. In fact she would prefer it![/quote]
But you weren’t suggesting your brother would tell your dad, were you? Just that he would discuss what you thought with your mum. So no need for your dad to know or your mum to be scared? Sorry if I have misunderstood.

Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:33

@Landlubber2019 Yeah tbf my DB doesnt seem overly unhappy in his life, but I think would like a partner. He doesnt really discuss it with me though.

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Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:34

@HollowTalk
That's not a bad shout. I would much rather just she accepted the invite anyway!

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Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:37

@NoSquirrels
I think if I said to my DB that I wonder if DF has ASD etc, then he would read up on it and hen 100% agree, and would then go to my DM and say me and Baldafrique both are convinced DF has ASD what do you think? Then she would have a go at me for bringing the "ASD topic up" and being "disloyal". Urgh the more I write about this, the more I realise it's all so fucked up! So secretive and weird and dysfunctional. Which is quite validating as half the time I think is this all even a big deal or am I being over sensitive!

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