Difficult family situation

[baldafrique]

Wondering if anyone can advise on a tricky and long-standing family situation that has been stressing me out for years...

When I was about 12 (I'm now 33!) I was told by my DM that my younger brother (then 10) had been diagnosed with Aspergers. This was due to me starting to ask why he was different - never had any friends at all, other kids constantly asking me what was "wrong with him" , realised I had been part of some assessment process for him. My DM blurted it out to me and told me to NEVER tell anyone and make sure I never mentioned it to my DF either as he would be angry she had told me. Since then, I've had a few chats with her about it and it turns out my parents decided to not ever tell my brother he has ASD as they didnt want him to feel "labelled". He went to mainstream school and did well academically and has a great job now and his own house but his social relationships have continued to be poor and he has never had a partner or anything. More recently, my DM has told me that she actually did press for my brother to be told but my DF "forbade it" and basically told her that if there was fall out from telling him then it would be her fault. Its since become REALLY obvious that my DF has Aspergers himself (my DM agrees) and is worse affected than my brother even. His behaviours have always been quite extreme and I've spent my life trying to work out why he isnt like other fathers in so many ways. My DM is completely controlled by it all - she constantly walks on eggshells but feels she can never pull him up on his behaviour as "he gets so nasty" (verbally) and also "I guess he cant help it anyway as he likely has ASD so what's the point". She doesnt dare mention the possibility of ASD to him as apparently he would go ballistic. I can well imagine this - the whole family tip toes around him and his peculiarities. He is very obsessional and controlling and anxious. But refuses to do anything about it at all.

The whole situation gets me down so much and I dont even know why. I think it's the way everyone in the family is constantly pussyfooting around someone who doesnt even have a formal diagnosis and would refuse to get one. I also feel so guilty knowing my DB has ASD when he doesnt know himself and guilty ever confiding in people about this (eg my DH) as I feel I'm betraying my DM who is in a shit position herself.

Any thoughts would be so welcome - I can see the woods for the trees here :(

@Twoobles Even with the DF likely to have ASD factor at play? (Just checking)

@GML107
I'm full of hate and anger?!?! Jesus.

Wow, just wow.

My teenage DS is waiting to be assessed but I have realised his dad ( now ex-DP) displays the traits . He would refuse to go places at the last minute and like your mum I walked on eggshells and made excuses for him. He once refused , hours before, to come on a trip to London that had been booked and paid for and then sulked because we went without him. I lost patience in the end .

@sandgrown Was that anxiety related do you think, the refusing to come at the last minute?

@GML107 Your comments are becoming more and more unhelpful and unpleasant. I have nothing but concern for my brother and always have. If my child has ASD themselves my DH and I would be nothing but supportive. Stop projecting.

balda ignore the unkind posts, it's just Internet randoms.
You come across as incredibly empathetic to me and I think you ate in a hard situation.
I know it hurts when strangers lay into you on a support thread so I just wanted to say as another Internet random you seem lovely and doing your best

@GML107

You’re talking absolute rubbish, how dare you minimise OP’s feelings. She had a secret put on her at a young age and has had to deal with a lifetime of secrets, fall outs and abusive-type situations since.

And I do know what I’m talking about, my own DB has severe autism. My childhood wasn’t peachy at all (except my parents didn’t make me keep “secrets” and off load onto me). I sure as hell don’t want my childhood for my kids.

If OPs daughter did have ASD, I think it’s very bloody clear she would get support for her ASAP and be very open and honest about it. She wouldn’t be “ashamed” like her DF clearly is. He very well may have ASD, but he’s also evidently a bit of an arsehole and I’m sorry, but if you’re a grown man and choose not to help yourself, then that’s not OPs problem.

Stop being nasty.

@baldafrique you come across as kind, thoughtful and caring, trying your very best to negotiate a tricky situation.

Morning/ sorry I haven’t had time to read the full thread yet but from my experience of my DH I would say stop making excuses for him and be honest with people about social arrangements. You could just say “ Dad didn’t feel able to come”. Most folk won’t bat an eyelid at that.

Also agree with PP who said do your own thing. That worked for me eventually. DH has become much more comfortable in social situations over the years and I have a better understanding of him and his situation.
WRT your DB . You say he is educated and successful in his career. I would be surprised if he hasn’t already researched the possibility of Aspergers / autism.

@GML107, wow...you are way off the mark. The Op is not selfish and she isn't angry. I'm amazed you interpreted this from the posts and suggest you are projecting your issues.

GML107 I've reported your abuse towards the OP.

A friend of mine was diagnosed as on the spectrum (Aspergers) in her late 30s.
She told me that it was very emotional but ultimately a massive relief- she has struggled all her life in social situations and developed depression and severe anxiety as a result.
Knowing the 'reason' was for her extremely liberating and allowed her to gain a very different perspective on her life.

I do feel for your brother- you mentioned he would like a partner which suggests he is not happy with his life.
Finding out something so essentially important about himself might help him change things?

[quote baldafrique]**@RandomMess* @ForwardRanger*
I guess I've always believed he might not be able to help the way he is etc so it is wrong of us to expect more from him - I know he struggles hugely with so many things like the extreme anxiety. But yes at the same time he has never cared for our feelings at all. My self esteem was in tatters as a teen but I've been trying to improve it in adult life.[/quote]
I can understand this, really, and when you're so close to it it can be difficult to see just how unreasonable the behaviour is. But your dad's behaviour is awful and abusive. I don't doubt he is suffering but it's HIS responsibility to manage his behaviour, not yours.

What you and your mum and brother are doing is enabling him which is hurting all of you and preventing growth.

Look, it sounds very hard but nothing is going to change unless one of you says 'enough'.

Your mum burdened you with a secret and that is her responsibility, not yours. It is not ok that you have to carry this.

Your brother will appreciate your honesty and it'll probably bring you both closer.

Please don't put up with this any longer, it really doesn't have to be this hard. I feel so sorry for you and your brother. Your parents have let you down.

Being autistic is not shameful, it just is. The sooner you all open up to it, the richer your lives will be.

@GML107 Stop posting on my thread. You are one nasty individual.

Thank you to everyone else for the support

I would speak with your brother, its nothing to be ashamed off, he could then access help and lead a fuller life, you can help him. Autism and aspergers have been highlighted in the past few years and there is lots of help available.

Yeah I think a good chat with my brother would be the way forward. I know he is bothered about not having had relationships and has said he feels pretty lonely at times outside of work.

BTW they don't separate Aspergers out anymore, it's just called autism

Similar situation in this thread, you may like to see the replies there too.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4108380-To-tell-my-brother-he-is-autistic?pg=1

Don’t know what’s going on with GML. thankfully I missed the last few deleted posts but even her previous ones that are still up I didn’t agree with. This thread is about you, not more trying to work out your dad. And how you can make steps towards feeling less like you have the burden of holding it all together, secrets, tiptoeing round your dad and generally trying to make things ok for everyone else. I remember doing a course once where we talked about changing family dynamics. I asked how do you do it without everyone else getting annoyed. And the facilitator said ‘you can’t’. So I think some of what you may have to get used to, is if you try to change your own behaviour within the family, it may cause some ructions. But so long as you always do it in a compassionate and thoughtful way, then you know you’ve done the right thing. When you change patterns of behaviour, it’ll unsettle everyone. So your dad may get angry, your mum might get frightened and ask you not to do whatever. Not sure what your brother’s reaction would be. And it’ll make you feel anxious and like you’re betraying them. But you’re not, you’re just looking for a new way forward that is more honest.

I think the fact posts have been deleted speaks volumes - just no need for it