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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Difficult family situation

191 replies

baldafrique · 25/04/2021 19:36

Wondering if anyone can advise on a tricky and long-standing family situation that has been stressing me out for years...

When I was about 12 (I'm now 33!) I was told by my DM that my younger brother (then 10) had been diagnosed with Aspergers. This was due to me starting to ask why he was different - never had any friends at all, other kids constantly asking me what was "wrong with him" Hmm, realised I had been part of some assessment process for him. My DM blurted it out to me and told me to NEVER tell anyone and make sure I never mentioned it to my DF either as he would be angry she had told me. Since then, I've had a few chats with her about it and it turns out my parents decided to not ever tell my brother he has ASD as they didnt want him to feel "labelled". He went to mainstream school and did well academically and has a great job now and his own house but his social relationships have continued to be poor and he has never had a partner or anything. More recently, my DM has told me that she actually did press for my brother to be told but my DF "forbade it" and basically told her that if there was fall out from telling him then it would be her fault. Its since become REALLY obvious that my DF has Aspergers himself (my DM agrees) and is worse affected than my brother even. His behaviours have always been quite extreme and I've spent my life trying to work out why he isnt like other fathers in so many ways. My DM is completely controlled by it all - she constantly walks on eggshells but feels she can never pull him up on his behaviour as "he gets so nasty" (verbally) and also "I guess he cant help it anyway as he likely has ASD so what's the point". She doesnt dare mention the possibility of ASD to him as apparently he would go ballistic. I can well imagine this - the whole family tip toes around him and his peculiarities. He is very obsessional and controlling and anxious. But refuses to do anything about it at all.

The whole situation gets me down so much and I dont even know why. I think it's the way everyone in the family is constantly pussyfooting around someone who doesnt even have a formal diagnosis and would refuse to get one. I also feel so guilty knowing my DB has ASD when he doesnt know himself and guilty ever confiding in people about this (eg my DH) as I feel I'm betraying my DM who is in a shit position herself.

Any thoughts would be so welcome - I can see the woods for the trees here :(

OP posts:
TheCanyon · 25/04/2021 20:38

Oh I totally get your stance, but in nearly 20 years you, they and him have lived a dreadful lie. He has to know, that is exactly why you're posting, because you know you need to tell him somehow.

Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:39

@TheCanyon That is true. It eats me up.

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NoSquirrels · 25/04/2021 20:40

[quote baldafrique]@NoSquirrels
I think if I said to my DB that I wonder if DF has ASD etc, then he would read up on it and hen 100% agree, and would then go to my DM and say me and Baldafrique both are convinced DF has ASD what do you think? Then she would have a go at me for bringing the "ASD topic up" and being "disloyal". Urgh the more I write about this, the more I realise it's all so fucked up! So secretive and weird and dysfunctional. Which is quite validating as half the time I think is this all even a big deal or am I being over sensitive![/quote]
Well, I’d do it. And I’d tell your mum that you’d told DB that you think DF might be ASD. You can say it just came up in conversation- and at the same time assure her you haven’t told DB ‘the secret’ and never will (because it’s not yours to tell) but that you think it’s a good thing the subject is at least out in the open between you, DB and your mum about your father’s issues.

Even if she has a go at you, she can’t realistically argue with that.

Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:42

It's amazing how anxious even the thought of being more honest with my in laws is - going against this 'rule' of not revealing any of DF's bad behaviour. Its INSANE the more I think about it. So utterly abnormal. The lengths we have gone to in the family to cover some of his shit is next level. It has to stop.

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Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:46

@NoSquirrels Tbf DB has often mused about DF behaviour as he has found it unbearable over the years. If anything he has taken the brunt at times of it all.

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Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:47

DB has called our DM an enabler before

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RandomMess · 25/04/2021 20:49

Your DB is correct!

Your Mum has her reasons for staying with him and keeping up appearances sounds utterly miserable.

HollowTalk · 25/04/2021 20:49

Did you post about this recently, OP, or am I experiencing deja vu?!

Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:51

@HollowTalk
I did add a post about it on a SN thread ages ago under a different name but only got a couple replies so took plunge today with my own thread. Never written a thread about it before.

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Landlubber2019 · 25/04/2021 20:52

Do you think it eats you up as you are a main confidente for your mother? Personally she chooses to remain in the marriage for appearances sakes, I would absolutely not continue to enable this. You will not change your father, either because he doesn't want to / his asd prevents him from change and frankly the current narrative serves both your parents well. You can only distance yourself from the current situation and refuse to continue enabling your mother in the family setup.

Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:52

@RandomMess

Yeah hes pretty astute! He finds DF unbearable a lot of the time.

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Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:53

@RandomMess
Interestingly she cites her reasons for staying as Fear Obligation Guilt! Fear that he would go nuts if she ended it and get nasty in the divorce.

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Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 20:55

@Landlubber2019
Yeah I feel like she enables him and I enable her. I feel so guilty when stepping back and not listening to it all but I have definitely started doing this more over the past couple of years. I've told her to start telling some close friends and being more honest with them at least or even to get counselling/therapy. I've basically had enough of the whole thing but also feel so sad for her.

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RandomMess · 25/04/2021 20:56

She needs to own that.

She can leave and divorce him and start living her life.

Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 21:00

Of course my DF isnt horrendous all of the time btw. I think that makes it harder! If he was unpleasant all the time in some ways it's easier to know whats what. And it's hard to see someone so unbearably anxious about so many things and have such a limited life (tho refuses medication and therapy obvs).

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Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 21:01

@RandomMess Very true. She wont tho, the "he is autistic and cant help it, he struggles a lot and always has" is too strong.

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Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 21:04

I really appreciate everyone's thoughts, so much food for thought. Esp for validating how untenable and unhealthy it all is and how I need to make a change and pronto. Was worried I was just being a bit silly and that all families are a bit tricky.

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Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 21:05

I'm def checking the FOG stuff out as feeling unbearably and sickeningly guilty for even writing this thread Shock

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Redjumper1 · 25/04/2021 21:06

Can you say to DB has he considered it? My parents are difficult and our siblings have our own separate relationships. At your age, it doesn't need to be approved by your DF. I'd mention it to DB. If DF finds out, so be it.

Loopylobes · 25/04/2021 21:08

If your DM brings up loyalty, you can explain to her that you also owe it to your DB to be loyal to him. You feel like you've betrayed him by keeping the secret this far and you can't in good conscience keep it from him any longer.

My DD was diagnosed at the age of 12 and it has been crucial in helping her to understand herself and support her self-esteem. She said that knowing she had ASD made her feel like part of a group of people, rather than being weird on her own.

Please, please find a way to help your DB find out that he has ASD ASAP.

This information is not yours or your parents' to decide what should happen to it. It is your DB's and his alone.

RandomMess · 25/04/2021 21:09

I would point out to your Mum that being autistic and abusive aren't mutually exclusive.

Also that everyone that is abusive has a reason for it, many are damaged individuals.

Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 21:13

@Loopylobes
I'm so worried about fracturing my relationship with my parents but I know that my DB needs to know, so am going to find a way to bring the topic up with him. It looks like there could be many ways into this conversation.

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Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 21:14

@RandomMess
Very true. I definitely think there have been many instances of emotional abuse to the whole family.

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Landlubber2019 · 25/04/2021 21:15

Don't feel sad or guilt, your mother has made and continues to make choices. Do set boundaries for yourself and look at getting therapy for yourself. I do wonder what is your objective and is it achievable? Even with a diagnosis, you are unlikely to be able to fix this Confused

Original poster
baldafrique · 25/04/2021 21:21

@Landlubber2019
My goal has always been to try to support my mum with it all but I think my new goal needs to be to protect myself emotionally from it all. The toll it has emotionally on me is huge and I've always felt so alone with it all as "cant" tell anyone about DB diagnosis and my DF's behaviours over the years (thank God have been able to tell DH!). You're right my DM has made choices and continues to make choices. I feel quite angry with her sometimes for putting up with it all when we were growing up.

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