DH just called me a *c**t, a w*nker and a selfish f*cling bitch

[21833efb]

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic

Now the TV is up loud, he keeps telling me to f*ck off and giving me a death stare, telling me "Happy Saturday!", slamming doors and I can't go and sit with him as he will yell at me to f off

Because his alarm went of at 7.30 this morning as last night I told him to set it (he didn't have to, just knew he had things to do today)

Has a history of verbal/emotional abuse but always my fault

Currently upstairs shaking and scared, the cats are terrified and dog not happy either

Apparently I am selfish and don't look after him

Only last night he was talking about refuges for men and about how abusive women lie - think he had this morning planned all along.

I am supposed to be seeing my family tomorrow but might not go now.

Things have been OK for a while but it's blown up this morning out of nowhere and it's all my fault

Wtf is wrong with people coming on here and going on about an alarm.

She suggested he set an alarm a perfectly bloody normal thing to do and a none event for most people .

Ok tell your dad and contact WA. Make sure you do it when he is not around though

@21833efb

I'm so pleased you've heard me and I saw your posts here. Yes, yes - I do know exactly where you are. Yes, I think I can help you. Please do PM me whenever you like.

Emotional support is definitely something I need.

Yes you do. The right support, with total understanding of where you are and what you've been dealing with.

He's been out in the garage for a few hours busy doing things with his motorbike.
Let the bugger stay there. Good. Maybe doing that will chill him out a bit.

I'd better get on with doing things in case I again get accused of sleeping/resting. It's just so hard to pull myself up and together to get things done.

In case you get accused of being lazy isn't why you're going to get up and do something. Because you're in this zoned out state because of how appalling he's spoken to you today. You're in shock. Not in floor-mopping mode. But - you're going to get up and do something, and get your things ready for going to your family tomorrow, for 2 other good reasons:

1. To keep the peace while you're sorting things out.
2. So you can go to your parents and talk to your DF tomorrow.

Very simple. Get up. Gently go through the motions. Be very kind to yourself. Keep your head down with him. You are not alone in this any more. You really aren't. I am here for as long as you need me, I promise. Not going anywhere and always here now.

You just need a helping hand. And you've got it now. In fact, lots of hands on here, all ready to help pull you out of this horrible, unfair mess. So chin up. Xx

I mean youve told a grown man to set his alarm when youve said yourself he didnt need too

Nobody is perfect and we all say stupid things to partners. Even condescending things. His reaction A DAY LATER is an overreaction. You're walking on eggshells if you're not allowed to suggest to your partner that they set up an alarm clock.

Stop believing that you are in anyway to blame for this. If I said to my partner "set your alarm for 7.30" he'd say "I'm a grown man, I can set an alarm" and that would be the end of it. Literally no offense on either part. He choose not to say anything at the time and then abuse you all day for it. He has ground you down so much you're abusing yourself on his behalf.

You are a human being, regardless of what supposed "crime" you've committed against him and deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Even Murderers have rights.

I am hoping so hard that you find your inner strength and leave this poor excuse for a man. You deserve solo much better.

Imagine a life where you can get up and spend a day doing exactly what you like. You can stay in bed ALL day and not feel guilty, not be abused. You could be happy.

Op.. first thing you need to know.. you can't change him..he will be nice at times because he wants to keep you under control.

Do go to your family.

You do have a freedon that you aren't currently tied to a job , or children involved . You are tied by abuse.

It does sound like you aren't in physical danger - emotional abuse is very damagjng but easier to plan to get out of.

Do go visit family tomorrow if you can. Do talk to people in Rl. Do the freedom program .Do call womens aid.

You can plan this leave when he is at work.

I have been in a DA relationship. It takes time even after you leave it takes a while to figure out how manipulated you were.

Re the alarm.. it's irrelevant. If you hadn't told him thatalso would be your fault. He finds fault to nlame your for. You can't make him want to be someone different.

Your life can be so different.

Why are you posting OP if you are determined not to do anything about this? Everything that has been suggested you have a "but" in response.

@RaspberryCoulis

Why are you posting OP if you are determined not to do anything about this? Everything that has been suggested you have a "but" in response.

Did you know that on average it takes 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship? I read that in Lundy Bancroft's book 'why does he do that?' This isn't because people love the drama. It's because abuse gradually erodes your courage & confidence and restricts your view of what is possible for yourself, so that when it comes to the time you really need to leave, it seems really, really hard. Sometimes people have to be in a life threatening situation before they will summon the courage to leave.

I think you will find Lundy Bancroft's book eye-opening OP. It's available here for free:

ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

OP just came on to say that this helpline as suggested earlier is often easier to get through to and I had excellent advice about co-ercion and emotional abuse from them, they are open today or you could set off tomorrow and ring them from your family's house?

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

They will help you get a plan together. Will he go to work all day Monday as in out of the house work?

[quote Chocaholic9]I think you will find Lundy Bancroft's book eye-opening OP. It's available here for free:

ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf[/quote]
Thanks for posting the link, I couldn't find it earlier.

OP, six people have recommended this book, we think it will be most helpful for you.

@RaspberryCoulis

Why are you posting OP if you are determined not to do anything about this? Everything that has been suggested you have a "but" in response.

How rude and unhelpful. I am SCARED and frightened and need support.

Please, tell your DF and DB. They know something is wrong.

@autumnalrain

Why is everyone assuming OP is the victim in this? Some of the comments her DP have made about her being the abusive one have been dismissed and overlooked. Not sure why... maybe because by MN logic the husband can’t be the victim. Two sides to every story, please remember this.

I suspect this is a classic dysfunctional codependent relationship and they’re both as bad as each other. Hence why most of the advice is being met with passivity. Not every OP is a damsel in distress.

One of them is upstairs shaking with fear and feeling sick. The other is wandering around the house singing and working in his garage.

The reason we think the OP is the victim in all this is because she obviously is. The situation she has described is a classic abuse situation. It is really very common. Of course no one is perfect, but the two sides are nowhere near equal here, and to suggest they are only reinforces the years of abusive messages the OP had clearly internalised. Do you think that's helpful?

Some of the comments her DP have made about her being the abusive one have been dismissed and overlooked.

Narcissists and coercive controllers are known to accuse their victims of the behaviours they themselves display. It's a common way to persuade the victim that they won't be believed if they seek help.

Narcissists and coercive controllers are known to accuse their victims of the behaviours they themselves display. It's a common way to persuade the victim that they won't be believed if they seek help.

It’s also a case of him gaslighting her; the OP in fact has almost allowed herself to be convinced that she is the abusive one, and has been blaming herself for everything.

It sounds like he upsets you before family visits as a means of control so that you eventually stop planning them and become isolated. He probably hopes you get so upset you will focus on making him happier rather than wanting to see your family. If he blows up after family visits it's so that you think twice about planning family visits in the future. It's all a calculated strategy of coercion.

He sounds like my mother. I went NC with her years ago. The relief when I left was huge.

@Missdotty

It sounds like he upsets you before family visits as a means of control so that you eventually stop planning them and become isolated. He probably hopes you get so upset you will focus on making him happier rather than wanting to see your family. If he blows up after family visits it's so that you think twice about planning family visits in the future. It's all a calculated strategy of coercion.

Yes absolutely. It's a definite plan.

If you give in and say not going now then his strategy has worked.

You don't have to go to spite him but you were planning to so it would be nice if you could. Main thing is he's made a lot of noise but you do need that contact with normality (eg your DF) as much as you can.

Womens aid can help you place the cats into foster care and will also house you away from your abuser.

Ultimately the decision to leave has to be yours though

Get rid off him. Doubt u will like many other mumsnetters

@21833efb listen please please listen when me and all of mumsnet are shouting from the rooftops you have not done anything wrong , you are not stupid or selfish you are kind and gentle and this man has you trapped and is abusing your kind nature, I know it must seem so scary so hard to even consider getting out of this hell in to the big bad world but once you have done it you will be able to see through the fog and think I wish I’d done it years ago. You deserve to wake up not full of dread not second guessing your movements incase it sets off your husband, not constantly trying to make him happy. You can live your life for yourself and start to love living again with your lovely pets , find hobby’s and make freinds and start enjoying your life. If you had a daughter or a close freind and they told you all of this how sad would you feel wouldn’t you tell them to enjoy there life? There are organisations to help even with money advice op. I wish you the best of luck even if you are not ready to leave keep posting here