I have NC for this.
I've been with my H for 20 years. Most of the time he's ok. He has anger problems and has been treated for depression before. He had a violent childhood. Not excusing his behaviour but giving background. I used to take his physical violence. I've had a black eye. When he realised the hitting and the verbal violence wasn't bending me to his will, he stopped.
As an aside he also threatens suicide if I say we are splitting up. Because he's prone to depression I'd stay. Now I know it's a classic move to make me stay. I myself have suffered MH issues in part due to his bevaviour. It was my recovery that made me see what he was up to, if that makes sense.
He doesn't hit me anymore but he still calls me horrible names. I ask him not to. Once he's calmed down he never says sorry, says I wound him up and he only calls me those names because he knows I don't like them. So that's alright, isn't it? Of course not.
I have hung onto this relationship because of money, mostly. I do have a DC, in their early teens. He's not violent towards them, but isn't very good at handling teenage strops. He can be short and rude with them. I think DC is aware that he can be scary. They try not to upset them.
I decided a long time ago I had to plan to leave. I am very aware of what he's like. But its not easy. I have very little support in real life. I am a very shy person and do not trust people easily. I do have family members to go to but they live 100s of miles away and my plan includes keeping my job.
Lots of things the OP has told us rings true. It's always my fault. I'm the selfish one. I'm the one who should understand why he is like he is. He always knows better than me. The way I want to do things is wrong. He can do WTF he likes but I have to remember to stay home and do XYZ. He's manipulative. I can see right through him.
After every argument he says he loves me but never apologises, ever. So, damage limitation, but no remorse.
There are things happening which I am watching closely but I need to be vague to stop outing myself, but needless to say depending on the outcomes I should be able to leave soon. It's not as simple as "Just leave now", you have to plan carefully. I will tell family what is going on. I suspect they never liked him anyway. I have a very old friend who already knows what's going on. I write a diary of events. I have some savings but I need to add more so I'm trying to do that now.
I just wanted to tell the OP that in time, she will see right through her H as well and by following the excellent advice that so many have already given she will be a much stronger, more awesome person than she was before. I read a lot of accounts of DA on this forum (which helped me identify my DA) and Mnetters are great at making us see what we have to do. It might take a week, it might take 30 years, but we will get there, in the end.
Much love 