DH just called me a *c**t, a w*nker and a selfish f*cling bitch

[21833efb]

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic

Now the TV is up loud, he keeps telling me to f*ck off and giving me a death stare, telling me "Happy Saturday!", slamming doors and I can't go and sit with him as he will yell at me to f off

Because his alarm went of at 7.30 this morning as last night I told him to set it (he didn't have to, just knew he had things to do today)

Has a history of verbal/emotional abuse but always my fault

Currently upstairs shaking and scared, the cats are terrified and dog not happy either

Apparently I am selfish and don't look after him

Only last night he was talking about refuges for men and about how abusive women lie - think he had this morning planned all along.

I am supposed to be seeing my family tomorrow but might not go now.

Things have been OK for a while but it's blown up this morning out of nowhere and it's all my fault

OP, please contact your local refuge. You would be better off in a refuge than living in fear. Ask a friend to look after the cats, or contact a local animal charity to find someone who will take them till you get sorted out.

@coodawoodashooda

You know you need to get rid of him. Why haven't you?

You don't know much about domestic abuse, do you?

Have already looked into doing that and unfortunately they will not help.

Unfortunately this is not the case. The council will very quickly find out that OP owns a house and she is not in physical danger. But please do get advice from Women's Aid OP

How can you possibly say she is not in physical danger? Does a woman need to be killed before she has chance to seek help?

Keepnamechangin
Sadly I’m foreign nationality here in U.K. so I can not do much, I’m dependent on him forever and he knows it.

I’m not going to put my story on here, but it isn’t correct that you’re automatically ‘dependent on him forever.’ Just a longer, fraught, harder road for freedom. There are many, many, women who have quietly left the situation you describe, and forged new lives. Some officially, some less so, but all are free from what they were previously trapped by.

Please use this link: (even if you don’t think your ethnicity is covered) southallblacksisters.org.uk/

OP, you don't have to live like this. You deserve to be happy as much as everyone else does. You don't deserve to be treated the way he's treating you. Please believe that.

If you're upstairs away from him, can't you call Women's Aid anyway? They'll understand if you have to interrupt the call. There really is a way out of this, but you need to talk it through with them.

One of the hardest things about all this is finding the courage to open up to others about it.

I think the rescue charity I volunteer for could help with the cats and be a good support, but I need to find my voice and tell someone there what's going on.

My dear old DF will be appalled when I tell him.

Step 1 - Financial independence - Get a job.

Make sure to inform your managers of the situation with your partner being abusive and tell them your getting money together to leave... in case he tries to manipulate anything then they already know.

Please don't be one of those women who use a MN thread as a diary to vent and gain courage to go back for more of the same. Look at all your options. Could you go and live with your DF?

Only last night he was talking about refuges for men and about how abusive women lie

I'd bet £50 he spends time on woman hating sites or groupchats where the men hype him up into believing he's abused because he's not married to a mute perma-smiling sex robot.

You deserve better. Make plans to leave. Call some animal charities and explain you have to leave an abusive H and ask if they could foster your animals until you get settled. Do not worry about winning in any of this, or appearing to be the good one. He'll continue to dislike you whether you stay or leave, at least if you leave you don't have to be around it. And your DF has seen how he speaks to you, so it's not like no-one knows.

@Tinofcokeforme

I mean youve told a grown man to set his alarm when youve said yourself he didnt need too 🤷‍♀️

Yes and I regret this.

He is right, I am the abuser and he is the victim.

I'd go through women's aid or the citizens advice bureau.

Cab do phone calls.

women's aid have online chat as well.ss calls etc.

Getting cats out with excuse like vet us good idea.

You might be able to get legal.aid when time comes to divorce.

You should be due half property and pension etc.

Just remembered a time as well where his SIL was appalled at how he spoke to me. Pretty sure she and BIL have their concerns but don't want to get them involved.

@DissociativeBitch

Step 1 - Financial independence - Get a job.

Make sure to inform your managers of the situation with your partner being abusive and tell them your getting money together to leave... in case he tries to manipulate anything then they already know.

Step 2 - Get into therapy.

After so many years of abuse you sound downtrodden, terrified and insane low self esteem. See a therapist!

I worked for a homeless hostel and believe me if you present as homeless and have told the police, gp they do have a duty of care to rehouse you.

The first step is to let others know what he is doing. Do not keep his secret.

Once you do that others in authority can help you.

He is an abusive, gaslighting, nasty, selfish, controlling bully. He will not change while he has a hole in his arse, I'm afraid. This is his personality. You can do this and leave, it will feel impossible, but its not. You have been given a hell of a lot of very good advice in the main. He hasn't been violent today, but that's not to say he won't again, in fact, its very likely he will.

I was 14 when I met my 21 year old boyfriend in the 1980's. No-one batted an eyelid why he was with such a young girl/ He was my first love and for the first 6 months, he was great. Then he started the controlling of everything I did, from money to my eating so I didn't put on any weight, I've actually forgotten more of the evil things the c**t did, than I can remember, I think I've probably blanked them out of my brain.

I stayed for 7 years in total, I had an underage pregnancy and an abortion at 14, he didn't even come into the clinic with me. He used to shoplift stuff constantly, and make me help him.

Finally, the day came when I had had enough. I had no money because he had it all, squirrelled away. I left for work as normal, he went out to his parents for the day, and I ran back home, got my mum and sister to help me pack and find the money, which was behind a huge wardrobe and I went to work with a holdall bag and sorted out a bedsit from there. Work knew about what was going on, because I finally told them.

He found out where I was living, followed me everywhere, took packets of tablets in front of me, but I had finally seen what freedom was like and it felt wonderful! This made me stronger, and in my eyes, made him smaller the stronger I got!

I never went back. I hated him so much for ruining my teenage years. When he threw snooker balls at my head, chipping one of my front teeth, finally that gave me the impetus to leave.

I had bruises all over me, he had broken many of my fingers , had put out cigarettes on any part of me, leaving scars, which would be covered by clothes.

I was very close to his mother though, I really felt sorry for her, because her husband was a bit of a bully, but not to his son's degree. I saw her in a supermarket a few days after I left, and went to speak to her. She said that she was sorry, she knew what he was like, but she, in her words "passed the buck to me".

Please don't let him ruin any more of your life, if you keep on staying, it will become worse, he's just warming up at the moment, take it from someone who knows.

I hope my story helps you in some way, I've never spoken about it before in this detail on a forum, I just thought if it even helps you a tiny bit, then it will have been worth me pouring it out on here.

Good luck.

Yes and I regret this.

Don't listen to this poster - everyone else is saying the same thing. There's always one weird, maverick, poster.

@Tinofcokeforme

I mean youve told a grown man to set his alarm when youve said yourself he didnt need too 🤷‍♀️

Bollocks.

OP, I am pretty sure your DF would be hurt if you did not tell him, and he found out afterwards. Of course he will be appalled, but not at you. As a parent of adult children I would help mine if they needed, I hope if they were in such a dire situation as yours they would ask me for help. Your DF is an adult, and I'm willing to bet he is younger than me. Speak to him as an adult daughter.

@Newstaronhorizon

I worked for a homeless hostel and believe me if you present as homeless and have told the police, gp they do have a duty of care to rehouse you.

The first step is to let others know what he is doing. Do not keep his secret.

Once you do that others in authority can help you.

I am worried in case they deem me to have made myself intentionally homeless.

Will be contacting WA and going down that route.

Can't really speak to GP in case H sees my online medical records, or rather, forces me to show him them.

My DF is going to be appalled and DB will probably be as well.

OP you are not the abuser and he is not the victim.

How would it look if this were true - you'd be feeling fine and free to wander around the house singing.

He would be awake before the alarm due to anxiety at oversleeping and working hard to avoid your criticism. But then you would judge him anyway for some perceived fault or might give him the day off and be complimentary. Maybe lull him into a false sense of security and then blow up over nothing, create a drama so that he didn't know up from down or his arse from his elbow. He would be apologising to make it stop and for his world to be OK because only you could make it OK because you control the narrow impoverished world in which he is forced to live.

Step back and observe the dynamic.

@21833efb

Love, you need emotional support as much as anything else. You are in survival mode and I understand that horribly well. I am so sorry you're there in that situation. You have done amazingly to come on here and talk to us. Just that is enough for now. You need to build up your psychological strength a bit and do a bit of planning, and talk to the right people, and then that combined energy - yours and theirs - will get you out of this situation.

For now, for today - he's gone quiet, seemingly. He's come to check on you, so he knows he's really over-stepped. I think you absolutely must force yourself to go through the motions of getting ready, and still go to your parents. And talk to your DF. That boost of love will help you. And he may have some practical ideas also to help.

So I think you're about ok for now, by the sounds of it, lying low. I feel like maybe getting out for a walk and going into a normal place like a coffee shop may also help to bring you back a bit. Then you could get ready for your parents.

I know beyond well that sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach when you think about the evening and night ahead and if it will be ok. Does he drink? How are the nights with him?

Now for some points for you to start thinking about:

Every single thing you have said, every single detail, could have been written by me as well.

All of it. And you and me are different people. But do you know who is the same? This is the same guy - your DH, my exDP - and all the rest who do the same thing.

They say the same things, do the same things, they may as well be the same man. They in fact are the Bogey Man.

So this isn't personal. This isn't about you. This is about him.

Because if the same shit got said and done to me, how could it be because I'm bad or you're bad in identical ways? It isn't. They're bad. So bad. Completely bad.

I know how it feels to have your source of security and 'love' being the same person who is making you need security and love.

I know how it feels when the only time you actually feel ok and relaxed and safe might be when you are having sex with him, because for that short period of time, he is being a tiny bit nice. (I don't know how it is for you, but that's how it was for me. I only felt safe when I had his penis in my mouth. Because in those moments I knew he wasn't going to do or say anything bad.)

I'm going through my recovery now, and only yesterday I properly realised that:

His conscience isn't the same as mine. He doesn't have a conscience. He doesn't feel bad about what he's doing.

He is just irritated by the idea that it might make him look bad. Which is why he says you're making it happen. You're causing it. Effectively you're doing it. It's your fault.

It so isn't your fault but you are so deep down this rabbit hole that you can't see or hear properly.

Please feel very free to PM me and I can hopefully say some things that will help you.

Don't listen to this poster - everyone else is saying the same thing. There's always one weird, maverick, poster.

^This exactly. That’s because it’s AIBU, and some posters are determined to find something to use as a stick to beat the OP with. But with a vulnerable OP stuck in an abusive relationship, it’s hugely inappropriate.

[quote Parkerwhereareyou]@21833efb

Love, you need emotional support as much as anything else. You are in survival mode and I understand that horribly well. I am so sorry you're there in that situation. You have done amazingly to come on here and talk to us. Just that is enough for now. You need to build up your psychological strength a bit and do a bit of planning, and talk to the right people, and then that combined energy - yours and theirs - will get you out of this situation.

For now, for today - he's gone quiet, seemingly. He's come to check on you, so he knows he's really over-stepped. I think you absolutely must force yourself to go through the motions of getting ready, and still go to your parents. And talk to your DF. That boost of love will help you. And he may have some practical ideas also to help.

So I think you're about ok for now, by the sounds of it, lying low. I feel like maybe getting out for a walk and going into a normal place like a coffee shop may also help to bring you back a bit. Then you could get ready for your parents.

I know beyond well that sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach when you think about the evening and night ahead and if it will be ok. Does he drink? How are the nights with him?

Now for some points for you to start thinking about:

Every single thing you have said, every single detail, could have been written by me as well.

All of it. And you and me are different people. But do you know who is the same? This is the same guy - your DH, my exDP - and all the rest who do the same thing.

They say the same things, do the same things, they may as well be the same man. They in fact are the Bogey Man.

So this isn't personal. This isn't about you. This is about him.

Because if the same shit got said and done to me, how could it be because I'm bad or you're bad in identical ways? It isn't. They're bad. So bad. Completely bad.

I know how it feels to have your source of security and 'love' being the same person who is making you need security and love.

I know how it feels when the only time you actually feel ok and relaxed and safe might be when you are having sex with him, because for that short period of time, he is being a tiny bit nice. (I don't know how it is for you, but that's how it was for me. I only felt safe when I had his penis in my mouth. Because in those moments I knew he wasn't going to do or say anything bad.)

I'm going through my recovery now, and only yesterday I properly realised that:

His conscience isn't the same as mine. He doesn't have a conscience. He doesn't feel bad about what he's doing.

He is just irritated by the idea that it might make him look bad. Which is why he says you're making it happen. You're causing it. Effectively you're doing it. It's your fault.

It so isn't your fault but you are so deep down this rabbit hole that you can't see or hear properly.

Please feel very free to PM me and I can hopefully say some things that will help you.[/quote]
@Parkerwhereareyou

Thank you, you have just made me well up I might pm you sometime soon.

Emotional support is definitely something I need.

He's been out in the garage for a few hours busy doing things with his motorbike.

I'd better get on with doing things in case I again get accused of sleeping/resting. It's just so hard to pull myself up and together to get things done.

Please try and tell your df, it probably wont be a surprise for him. Are you able to get out of the house today, you could maybe pack a bag of essential things and take the cats with you. Is there somewhere safe you could fo like a hospital, police station, pharmacy that has the ANI support.