DH has left me. Cheer me up MN!

[DriftGames]

In 26, H is 31. Together 5.5 years, married 2.5, DD together 18mo.

He's always had flaws. Lazy, quite selfish (always made the plans, always did what he wanted to do and I just went along), plenty of flirting with other women in secret via social media, but he did look after me and through my rose tinted glasses I let all the shit slip.

After our wedding we decided to TTC DD1. Very excited, fell pregnant fast, all was great until she was about 3 months. I think I had PND but not diagnosed and lockdown hit. I don't live near any family or friends as I moved to be with him. He was furloughed for a little while (5 weeks) which was amazing but once he went back, it was back to me doing all of the parenting, night feeds (EBF and awful sleeper), the housework etc. It came to a head in June 2020 and he left. After some talking he came back and I admitted fault (unsure what for but that's narcissists for you).

Since June 2020, he's probably lived with his parents more than he has here. He knows he always manages to make the split my fault so I shower him with attention and he comes back eventually. Monday last week I asked him to help with DD at night as she's not longer BF and I'm exhausted and not coping well at work etc. He flew off the handle, asked me to pack his bags. I packed mine and DD's instead, left a note and then went to stay with family. We're back now. He's not seen DD. He won't give me house keys or make arrangements but is '100% done'.

Playing games? Maybe. Have I begged like a twat? Yes.

He says he's done. Because I asked him to help with his child.

I love him, but all said and done, please can you guys cheer me up and show me that me and DD absolutely deserve better and that I will get over this?

Congrats if you got this far!!

He sounds like a twat. You're 26! You have your entire life ahead of you. I'd be glad to be rid of him.

Fuck that shit! Seriously.

(Well don’t, because he’s not worth it!)

Never, ever beg. Decide right now that you will never beg him for anything ever again. You are stronger than that, you deserve better and so does your daughter.

He sounds awful. Enjoy your new life.

He's a selfish manchild, immature and a shit excuse for a father. 'Helping', people don't help when it comes to parenting their own kids! Have you got entry to your home? You can call a locksmith as long as you've got proof you live there.

Life is way too short to be tied to a lazy, immature, sexist twat.

Excellent responses so far, thanks everyone!

I think I miss the memories more than him, and I feel bad for DD but ultimately, he's chosen not to see her for 10 days so far, and has asked if she's okay every other day.. I'm sure someone will come into our lives to love us both better. He does adore her though, just not the parenting part.

That's exactly what it is OP. You miss what he once was. I think if people could forget the past then a lot more people wouldn't be together. Think of how he is now and how he treats you. People change.

@osbertthesyrianhamster it's meant to be a team effort, but it's not.

Yes I do, I didn't make it very clear - he won't give his keys back. I do ensure all doors/gates are locked and I leave a key in the door so he can't unlock & let himself in, not that I think he would.

We rent, luckily I suppose, but LL is a family friend of his. I've explained the situation and with help from universal credit as well as my wages, I can afford to stay in the house so she is changing the tenancy agreement for me.

Congratulations on your future much improved life op!

It will be ok. You're young and strong.

He asked you to pack his bags! That has to the laziness man child behaviour I’ve heard on MN.

He actually didn't expect you to up and leave op because he's always the one who controls when it's done and this time you did it.

Don't beg him to come back or play his silly games.
He will continue to let you and your dd down and will come and go whenever he pleases in future if you don't make a stand now.

Don't let your dd grow up to think that kind of disrespect toward women is acceptable or shel expect it and put up with it in her own adult life.

With the greatest respect, start looking for a job near your family a friends.

Sod him and stuff the house. He’s bit helping, doesn’t look like he’s going to help, even if they’re good now his family will ALWAYS be on his side. ALWAYS.

Go home, have support from people who love and care for you.

Don’t beg. Fuck that shiit.

Change the locks, fairly easy DIY and fairly cheap!

@Thatwentbadly he did indeed. Safe to say it came as a shock when I packed mine as DD's and fucked off without saying a word.

@wtfisgoingonhere21 yes! Exactly that! I will not have her think that this is an acceptable way to be treated. She's amazing (obviously I'm going to say that) but she really doesn't deserve this, I want her to make sure she knows how she should be treated.

He flew off the handle, asked me to pack his bags.
That’s just.... I mean, I don’t even know what to say about that.

What exactly did he say? “Pack my bags, I’m leaving you”? That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever read.

@Firkinhavinalaugh my job is amazing. My boss is the best - I called him Monday to explain what had happened, cried a little and before I could even say anything he said 'go and spend time with your family. If you get any work done remotely, great, if not then don't worry. Just don't be alone right now. Do you need me to come and watch your DD whilst you pack?'.

I'm 30 miles from DM and 70 from DF, though with work schedules I can only see them at weekends anyway.

PIL are as bad as he is - they're an odd family. He can do no wrong, nor can his brother who is 27, living at home with no job and no intention of getting one, but they're still 'perfect' gentlemen. I could literally show photo evidence of DH behaviour over the past and they'd still not believe it. They're my childcare and I dropped DD with them today. MIL acted fairly normal, which was a shock, but FIL wouldn't even look at me.

It was my birthday last Tuesday, H got me nothing, not even a card from DD even tho he only walked out the day before, so I don't think he'd bothered in the first place. MIL had a pile of little pressies for me at her house on the Sunday, she asked if I'd like them on the Tuesday and I said yes please. I've not seen them since that's how childish they are!

@Awomanwalksintoabar here ya go!

Sounds like there is scope for remote working with your job, how long would the commute be to be 15 miles from your mum? Do you drive? If not could you learn?

They sound awful, the lot of them. Get away, better to be nearer family with a longer day and commute to have the help you deserve. In addition you might be able to do half the week in work and half at home.

If still move nearer your original base!

@DriftGames
Totally ignore the bullshit behaviour of his parents Aswell

Sorry if I sound abit sharp but I had a few years of in laws being a fucking pain in the ass etc etc and toxic at times.
It took dh a while to realise how toxic and shite they can be but we just don't tolerate their shit anymore.

Start as you mean to go on with all of them.

Be firm and direct from the outset and if they behave like dicks don't rise to it and just carry on with your life.

If he's grown up with narcissistic parents he's never going to be any different himself and no matter what you say or do he will never be responsible for himself and will always blame you.

Youl be glad you got out of that shit storm

What a cock womble!

Hang on, why on earth would you do his packing? Is he an armless amputee?

Congratulations OP on loosing this excess baggage.

He is using leaving as a way to control you. He will eventually try to come back and forgive you, but you'll have learned your lesson to never ask him to do anything ever again.

What a lucky escape for you, you wouldn't want your daughter growing up thinking this is normal.

I know your heart is broken, but you have clearly grown up, while he has not.

Please please please be an example to your DD and show her no woman has to put up with this shit!

Stop replying to his messages unless they directly concern DD.

I wouldn't leave DD with his parents - considering the way they've raised him to be such a 'perfect gentleman' I'd be terrified they wouldn't hand her back.

Your boss sounds awesome, and you and DD will get through this. It will be hard, but you deserve to be happy with someone who will treat both of you with the love and respect you deserve x

@Firkinhavinalaugh I work from home Monday & Friday currently anyway, as we rely on his parents for childcare. I do plan to move closer to my family, something like you've suggested so I'm closer but not too far to not be able to commute to my current job.

I do drive, though I drive an old saloon that's ridiculously low (by choice, we met through modified cars) and isn't massively reliable, so that's for sale now which breaks my heart more than the break up.

@wtfisgoingonhere21 I'm friendly with his parents, because I'm not a massive 4 year old, and never bring the marriage issues to them, I just act as though nothings happened. Ultimately, everything I do will get reported back to him, can I turn up looking rough and sad, how I obviously am feeling? Nope! I've spent about £70 on myself this week, which I haven't done for years and it's not even a lot of money!

@altlife I don't think they'd use her like that, though they have done things which I massively disagree with and I'm always having to nag them about little stuff. I picked her up today, she's just woken from a 30 min nap and by time I drove her the 1 mile home, she was so wet her nappy had leaked. I've told them hundreds of times she needs changing every few hours unless dirty. They don't. Silly bits like that, but I don't think they'd ever do anything purposely daft.

You'll be so much better without him and your daughter will learn boundaries to help her future relationships.

I can't get over his telling you to pack his bags and his response to you asking him for help with his own child.

@CattingTime no just a useless twat.