DH has left me. Cheer me up MN!

[DriftGames]

In 26, H is 31. Together 5.5 years, married 2.5, DD together 18mo.

He's always had flaws. Lazy, quite selfish (always made the plans, always did what he wanted to do and I just went along), plenty of flirting with other women in secret via social media, but he did look after me and through my rose tinted glasses I let all the shit slip.

After our wedding we decided to TTC DD1. Very excited, fell pregnant fast, all was great until she was about 3 months. I think I had PND but not diagnosed and lockdown hit. I don't live near any family or friends as I moved to be with him. He was furloughed for a little while (5 weeks) which was amazing but once he went back, it was back to me doing all of the parenting, night feeds (EBF and awful sleeper), the housework etc. It came to a head in June 2020 and he left. After some talking he came back and I admitted fault (unsure what for but that's narcissists for you).

Since June 2020, he's probably lived with his parents more than he has here. He knows he always manages to make the split my fault so I shower him with attention and he comes back eventually. Monday last week I asked him to help with DD at night as she's not longer BF and I'm exhausted and not coping well at work etc. He flew off the handle, asked me to pack his bags. I packed mine and DD's instead, left a note and then went to stay with family. We're back now. He's not seen DD. He won't give me house keys or make arrangements but is '100% done'.

Playing games? Maybe. Have I begged like a twat? Yes.

He says he's done. Because I asked him to help with his child.

I love him, but all said and done, please can you guys cheer me up and show me that me and DD absolutely deserve better and that I will get over this?

Congrats if you got this far!!

First off and I bet I'm not the only one to say this BUT you're better off away from the bellend. Far away!

I know it's hard when you love someone but you need to stop apologising and begging him back. Make yourself as self sufficient as possible and don't give him the time of day other than if he asks to see your DD, so he can't hold that over you.

Time to be strong and in a year or so you'll look back and think, god what did I see in that pathetic little boy.

All the best, I'm rooting for you. X

[quote DriftGames]@osbertthesyrianhamster it's meant to be a team effort, but it's not.

Yes I do, I didn't make it very clear - he won't give his keys back. I do ensure all doors/gates are locked and I leave a key in the door so he can't unlock & let himself in, not that I think he would.

We rent, luckily I suppose, but LL is a family friend of his. I've explained the situation and with help from universal credit as well as my wages, I can afford to stay in the house so she is changing the tenancy agreement for me. [/quote]
Change the locks or ask LL to.

He flew off the handle, asked me to pack his bags.
🤣🤣 sorry but this is a new low even for MN.

Please op, don't take him back please. Above statement in all its 'unreasonableness' should put you off for life. Remember it.

@Firkinhavinalaugh

With the greatest respect, start looking for a job near your family a friends.

Sod him and stuff the house. He’s bit helping, doesn’t look like he’s going to help, even if they’re good now his family will ALWAYS be on his side. ALWAYS.

Go home, have support from people who love and care for you.

Don’t beg. Fuck that shiit.

100% agree with this.

well hes done so thats something to be thankful for , once the tenenacy is in your name he will i should think have to give his set of keys back , make sure you confirm this with the landlady , hopefully you wont hear much from him or have any problems ,but its always worth bearing in mind its possible to ask her if you could pay to change the locks and give her a spare set , for peace of mind if needed

Thanks @MrsNewms85 I'm really hoping things get better. I do wake up every day and things remind me of him and I get upset. Though I think I'm more in love with the memories than with him.

I will be strong, I won't take him back.

I'm staying out for now, going to ask for his key tomorrow when he collects DD. Will see how well that goes down!

Right. Good going so far. Now....
No begging ever. Fake it til you make it. Make sure he sees you moving on.

Buy a great notebook for your lists.

Ask when he wants to start mediation for the divorce.

Tell him every other weekend, and one night a week. What week night do you want (make sure it suits you)? Progressing to half the holidays when she starts school. Set up a firm schedule now.

Make an appointment to see some lawyers. But first get all the paperwork. Make a list of what you want - goes to the lawyers.
Make a list of what you can accept. That's FYEO.

Get the paperwork all of it asap. Before he moves it out.

Download Evernote and scannable. Link them and get scanning.
Pension
Savings
Bank accounts. 50/50 of joint accounts. Preferably change banks.
Mariage certificate
Anything else you can think of.
Download copies of every fucking thing you can think of. All into Evernote.

Change your logins.

That should keep you going for a couple of weeks. Enjoy.

@DriftGames

Thanks *@MrsNewms85* I'm really hoping things get better. I do wake up every day and things remind me of him and I get upset. Though I think I'm more in love with the memories than with him.

I will be strong, I won't take him back.

I'm staying out for now, going to ask for his key tomorrow when he collects DD. Will see how well that goes down!

Tell him if he doesn't hand it over you'll change the locks anyway, so why prolong the inevitable!

You've got this, I promise it'll get easier and better as time passes. It's crap now but you'll get there.

5 years ago I was in similar situation.... now I've been married to the love of my life for 2 years and he adores me and my DD.

All good thing coming from now on

You will never ever be happy with a man child like this. Please let him go and don’t look back. He will never change. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you.

Seriously OP he has shown you what a twat he is. Change the locks and think yourself lucky that he has left and you don't have to make him go.

Who does he think he is, Lord Snooty? Asking you to pack his bags just shows he only wants you as a servant. Don't give him a second thought, do your detective work, find all his financial information, slap a claim in for CMS & get on with divorcing him, I would go for unreasonable behaviour. If you want to move to make things easier for yourself, then go for it, you don't owe him anything.

My God. He sounds like such a prick
Thank God he has left
Please do not beg.

Eww what a gross human. Be happy you are out of this.

Do you really love him though, or can you just not imagine your life without him? You've spent most of your adult life together, have grown up with him and have the emotional entanglement of marriage and children, but what do you actually love about him? He doesn't sound great and it sounds like he's treated you horribly.

You're so young you have your whole life, ahead of you - don't waste any more of your life with this man. With the benefit of some time and space, I'm sure you'll come to see you deserve more.

Good god, he sounds absolutely awful.
Well done you. I bet you gave him a massive shock when you and DD left. Excellent work.
It’s very bad that he hasn’t seen your DD in the days since you’ve been back. That says it all. What a twat.

[quote DriftGames]@Awomanwalksintoabar here ya go! [/quote]
Keep that message. Every time you‘re considering taking him back, look at it to remind yourself. You sound awesome. Good luck.

I just want to thank every single one of you.

I woke up this morning full of dread and thinking about him, but then after seeing all of your responses, given that they are non biased, shows me that things are going to get better and time will heal.

Feeling more myself. I do need to start looking after myself a little more. I've lost 3.5 stone the last 14 months after DD, and now I'm 2 stone lighter than my pre pregnancy weight, I've started dressing more flatteringly because of this and making sure my hair & face are always presentable, and I feel really good about myself at the moment.

Big changes but all good ones

Even better!
Kiss the mirror every time you look in it, just because! 😘😍😂
👍🏻👍🏻

He doesn’t really adore your daughter. If you love and adore your child and are a good parent then you look after them (I don’t mean you can never have a break, that’s just being a martyr). You get up in the night, you wipe poo and clean vomit. You deal with tantrums, make food they throw on the floor, buy clothes they ruin. You play with barbies and ponies and make crap cookies. You don’t do all this because it’s fun (although sometimes it is). You do it because you adore your kids and it keeps them healthy and makes them happy. Your happiness is increased by them being happy.

If he can’t be arsed to get up in the night to look after his kid then he doesn’t adore them and he is not a great dad.

It’s tough to really accept that your kids other parent isn’t great and wouldn’t do the thing that is harder than chucking themselves under a bus for their kid..... showing up day in, day out to do all the little shitty stuff.

Lazy is an understatement, he wants to leave but has asked YOU to pack his bags. Unbelievable.

You and your DD deserve better.

@Peace43

He doesn’t really adore your daughter. If you love and adore your child and are a good parent then you look after them (I don’t mean you can never have a break, that’s just being a martyr). You get up in the night, you wipe poo and clean vomit. You deal with tantrums, make food they throw on the floor, buy clothes they ruin. You play with barbies and ponies and make crap cookies. You don’t do all this because it’s fun (although sometimes it is). You do it because you adore your kids and it keeps them healthy and makes them happy. Your happiness is increased by them being happy.

If he can’t be arsed to get up in the night to look after his kid then he doesn’t adore them and he is not a great dad.

It’s tough to really accept that your kids other parent isn’t great and wouldn’t do the thing that is harder than chucking themselves under a bus for their kid..... showing up day in, day out to do all the little shitty stuff.

This is so true. I had one shit parent, complete Disney dad who used me as a bargaining chip. Luckily I had an awesome mum to protect me from his bullshit.

He's a man child.

Imagine how much better your life can be now!

• Only having to clear up after yourself and DD (no manchild making a mess for you to deal with)
• Not having to worry how he will react/overreact to what you say/do
• Being free decide where to live/work without having to take his opinion in to account
• Not worrying about who he is flirting with etc

I bet in 12 months time you will be more happy and confident than ever and will wonder why you put up with him for as long as you did. By contrast, I bet he will still be an arsehole manchild who wonders why women are not flocking to his door.

@Peace43 you're absolutely right. It's hard to admit that I chose to breed with an utter wanker and I feel bad that I bought a child into the world which deserves more than his shit offering as a parent but ultimately she's got me and my family, she will be just fine!

Update - he's still not been to see her since last Monday! He's staying half a mile away at his parents.

You've got the rest of your life to look forward to now OP. You're gonna be just fine!!!!! 💖