DH has left me. Cheer me up MN!

[DriftGames]

In 26, H is 31. Together 5.5 years, married 2.5, DD together 18mo.

He's always had flaws. Lazy, quite selfish (always made the plans, always did what he wanted to do and I just went along), plenty of flirting with other women in secret via social media, but he did look after me and through my rose tinted glasses I let all the shit slip.

After our wedding we decided to TTC DD1. Very excited, fell pregnant fast, all was great until she was about 3 months. I think I had PND but not diagnosed and lockdown hit. I don't live near any family or friends as I moved to be with him. He was furloughed for a little while (5 weeks) which was amazing but once he went back, it was back to me doing all of the parenting, night feeds (EBF and awful sleeper), the housework etc. It came to a head in June 2020 and he left. After some talking he came back and I admitted fault (unsure what for but that's narcissists for you).

Since June 2020, he's probably lived with his parents more than he has here. He knows he always manages to make the split my fault so I shower him with attention and he comes back eventually. Monday last week I asked him to help with DD at night as she's not longer BF and I'm exhausted and not coping well at work etc. He flew off the handle, asked me to pack his bags. I packed mine and DD's instead, left a note and then went to stay with family. We're back now. He's not seen DD. He won't give me house keys or make arrangements but is '100% done'.

Playing games? Maybe. Have I begged like a twat? Yes.

He says he's done. Because I asked him to help with his child.

I love him, but all said and done, please can you guys cheer me up and show me that me and DD absolutely deserve better and that I will get over this?

Congrats if you got this far!!

You're right not to take the bait about the friend. He's angling to make it about who you see or don't see but that's not his business anymore - fine to say no you haven't seen him, but don't ask why or behave as if you owe him explanations. That's the mindset he wants to keep you in!

If you feel you have to reply to dd enquiries, then I would say always stick to one message and don't get drawn into a conversation. Strictly functional.

@Pleaseaddcaffine all bills etc sorted! It's mine and DD's house. Currently looking for a decorator to come and lay the wallpaper he was due to do - luckily I chose it so happy with it! Thanks so much.

@WinterSunglasses he hasn't spoken to me today, not asked about DD but is meant to be collecting her at 5:45. I'm not going to text, if he contacts me before then then great, if not then it's not my problem if he arrives and she's getting ready for bed 🤷🏻‍♀️ I won't feed his ego.

I think I'd have responded with

'Wtf has it got to do with you'?

Then ignored him

How dare he ask that question of you.

@harknesswitch trust me, that was my instinct. But I don't want him thinking he's getting to me or having that satisfaction. I'm trying to be mature and civil - there are many games I could play but I won't! Someone has to be an adult here and I bet my bottom dollar it won't be him!

[quote DriftGames]@harknesswitch trust me, that was my instinct. But I don't want him thinking he's getting to me or having that satisfaction. I'm trying to be mature and civil - there are many games I could play but I won't! Someone has to be an adult here and I bet my bottom dollar it won't be him! [/quote]
Best way, always try and rise above and then he's got F all on you. You're doing great! Well done! X

@MrsNewms85 I had another wobble yesterday evening. He didn't ask about poorly DD all day then called me 10 mins before he was due to collect her to tell me he's had a promotion at work. Silly really, given that he wants to sort maintenance without CMS. He didn't collect her as his 'meeting' had overrun. I imagine he only called to brag about his job - which just reminded me what a selfish knob he actually is and soon snapped me out of my little wobble!!

Stay strong & get that cms claim in.

@DriftGames wobbles will happen, you've gone through something massive, but like you say his behaviour shows you why you're better off out. Get the maintenance set up officially so it'll come out of his wage before he gets paid, as unofficial will cause more headaches when he "forgets to transfer" or "is a bit short of cash". You've got this, you really have and as time goes on it'll get easier and easier for you.

Just RTFT and wanted to congratulate you on how far you've come in a couple of weeks!

This thread should be held up as a beacon for young women who get together with wastes of skin like your ex. You're not only a really strong woman, but you also know your worth! Well done, you are an absolute inspiration.

@MrsNewms85 @devildeepbluesea thank you both. I'm sat in tears because DD has been up since 4:45 again and is behaving awfully because she's not well and it's infuriating to know he's laying at his mum, will rise 10 minutes before he heads to work with a Packup and breakfast to go, after having to do absolutely zero parenting and zero housework. I absolutely know I've come out on top and DD is just poorly and at an age where she can be a handful (18m) but I'm just absolutely fuming with him. Of course I'll never let him know, and I've only told my mum and you guys that I'm feeling this way as I'd never lose face or he will get exactly what he wants - me struggling.

It'll get better. I'm excited for our future. I'm going to view a new car on Friday which I'm very excited about, although I'll massively miss my modified, old school, lowered car. I need something grown up to take DD on plenty of days out, holidays and trips to see family.

Things are looking up already which I was surprised at but I'm still having a few tough moments like this.

This thread has been an absolutely amazing support I can't thank every single one of you enough and I hope at least someone continues to tune in for the times when I need a hand hold

@DriftGames the measure of your strength is that you recognise and accept you will have wobbles, but you won't go back.

Keep on trucking lovely - for later!

@devildeepbluesea thank you. I said to my mum if he was to say he wanted to give it another go, I'd sit and talk it through. What a knob. Let me confirm, that won't be happening!! Me and DD are worth more than he could ever give and even if it's just the two of us forever, she will always have more than enough love!

My exdh did that once, was showing off to me and telling me about his huge pay rise and exactly what he was earning. He was showing off and thought he was getting one up on me as I'd always earned more than him (I still did but just smiled and nodded my head). I went back inside and promptly filled in a claim with the CMS as he was woefully underpaying me. He wasn't a happy bunny when that landed.

You are doing brilliantly, you're accepting that you wobble and realise it won't always be like this. It might feel like you have the shitty end of the stick but you really don't. He's still a grown man living at home with his Mummy, whilst his ex has signed up for a house, buying a new car and pretty much winning at life. You'll have an amazing relationship with your dc as a result and a special bond he could only dream of. He'll be the absent father with no idea of what his dd is like.

@harknesswitch I'm hoping that'll be what happens here - I'm really glad you managed to get what you & DC were entitled to! Thing is, it's not about money, but about him contributing to her upkeep and giving what he rightfully should to do just that.

I am feeling on top of the world most of the time but it's just times like this when I've been up since 4:45 with poorly DD and I've got to go to work & then do all of the parenting whilst he does nothing. But as you say, a grown man living at home with his mum? What a loser.

You are doing brilliantly op, what an inspiration you are. You're best out of it now whilst you're young. I know it must hurt at times, you're human after all, but it will pass.
Just keep taking one day at a time. Am thinking you're feeling a bit down because of the demands of motherhood. It's not easy, especially when you're basically doing it on your own. But this too will pass. When knob does decide to have dd, make sure you rest. Leave the housework, if you can.
The best is yet to come!
Ps Well done on your weight loss
Pss Your boss sounds amazing.

This was me @ 27 (now 42). I returned and had 6 more unhappy years before he left me for someone else. If I could have told my 27 year old self anything it would have been - dont go back.
Obviously you're not me but have a little think about what YOU want and don't want.

You are 26! Jeez.... please don't tie yourself to a selfish idiot any longer. You're so young. Enjoy your life. Close the memories pages and start another fresh chapter where self respect is important

@DriftGames I agree, for me it wasn't about the money, it's about him financially contributing towards his dc. He does precious little as it is so the least he can do is contribute financially.

I'm fortunate as I earn a good wage and don't actually need his money to survive, so I put it in a savings account which I'll use for my dc when they start driving, or go to uni etc.

Thank you everyone.

I don't need his money, and anything he does contribute will go into savings for DD!

I'm finding the memories easier to deal with now as they're just that, memories. Happy ones but that man is no longer the same man he is now, and that's all I need to remember.

Time to make new memories and move on, without 15 stone of useless shit on my shoulders trying to control my life.

@Blueskytoday06 I'm sorry you went through that. There's no going back, I've realised that now luckily. I don't think he'll try, but if he did, it's a firm no from me. I won't put me and DD through that. Luckily she's at an age where she has no idea but in the future I need to ensure that she sees me being treated correctly so her expectations of a partner mean she will never settle for anything less than she deserves.

Hate to write but I don't think he had any intention of having DD.

All these texts asking how she is are to keep you hooked in. He isn't bothered about spending time with her!

How often is he supposed to be picking her up for contact? Has he had her at all yet?

So far he has used DD to make out he knows you have seen his mate and to boast about his pay rise.

Perhaps just say no more daily DD updates you'll let him know if there is anything seriously wrong with her.

He doesn't need to see her because you are filling him in on everything.

Op you’re doing amazing and you and your dd are going to have a fantastic life. I too would stop giving updates on dd, he can start to make an effort and see for himself. I’d send him a proposed schedule for visitation.

@RandomMess he's meant to collect her tuesdays after work and have her every Thursday afternoon. He's seen her twice in 2.5 weeks and one time was for 35 mins.

He's test just now saying he'll collect her after work but again, I imagine it'll be 30 mins which by time you account him getting her in and out do the car and travelling, equates to about 20 mins actual time. I didn't respond - no need.

@IggyAce I think the proposal regarding contact is a good idea as he's just floating about at the moment. He's asked for her BH Monday which I've said yes to but he won't tell me what times. I think when/if he collects her tonight I'm going to say 9-6, because I've made plans (I haven't, yet) and I'll be out of town. Otherwise he will collect at 11 and return at 2.

Document everything in writing so don’t just verbally tell him 9am I’d send a message stating that dd will be ready to collect at 9am. If he hasn’t picked her up by 9:15 you take her out, set boundaries now so your dd doesn’t get hurt & disappointed waiting around for daddy to collect her when she’s older.

@DriftGames, great idea regarding BH, as he may want to scupper any plans you have to enjoy yourself.

You're still doing great.

@IggyAce @Amdone123 I'll definitely pop that into a text and if he hasn't collected her by 9:15 or tries to delay then he can swivel.

I don't have any plans and most of my friends/family are away or working so my plans for now are nip to a homeward store and fill my blank walls (removed all pictures/posters etc of DH), and then if I've bought a new car, go for a big drive to clear my head! Haven't done that since before DD was born!