DH has left me. Cheer me up MN!

[DriftGames]

In 26, H is 31. Together 5.5 years, married 2.5, DD together 18mo.

He's always had flaws. Lazy, quite selfish (always made the plans, always did what he wanted to do and I just went along), plenty of flirting with other women in secret via social media, but he did look after me and through my rose tinted glasses I let all the shit slip.

After our wedding we decided to TTC DD1. Very excited, fell pregnant fast, all was great until she was about 3 months. I think I had PND but not diagnosed and lockdown hit. I don't live near any family or friends as I moved to be with him. He was furloughed for a little while (5 weeks) which was amazing but once he went back, it was back to me doing all of the parenting, night feeds (EBF and awful sleeper), the housework etc. It came to a head in June 2020 and he left. After some talking he came back and I admitted fault (unsure what for but that's narcissists for you).

Since June 2020, he's probably lived with his parents more than he has here. He knows he always manages to make the split my fault so I shower him with attention and he comes back eventually. Monday last week I asked him to help with DD at night as she's not longer BF and I'm exhausted and not coping well at work etc. He flew off the handle, asked me to pack his bags. I packed mine and DD's instead, left a note and then went to stay with family. We're back now. He's not seen DD. He won't give me house keys or make arrangements but is '100% done'.

Playing games? Maybe. Have I begged like a twat? Yes.

He says he's done. Because I asked him to help with his child.

I love him, but all said and done, please can you guys cheer me up and show me that me and DD absolutely deserve better and that I will get over this?

Congrats if you got this far!!

It's bound to be a setback - love & jealousy are complex emotions.

Write a list of all the things he did that you didn't like OP, and remember, she'll have to deal with them now 🤣 You know him - will it really last long?

@DriftGames, awh, I think that what you're feeling is perfectly normal. You'll be ok - it will pass. You've done so well. If you didn't feel anything it would mean you didn't have a heart - and you clearly have a big one !
Hope you're feeling better, lovely 😍

Thank you all.

I'm actually having a night away on Saturday with the guy I've been chatting to, we've met up a few times but it's been very casual but for long periods as he's 200 miles away!! Hence the night away - we have to make the most of the time we get. He's absolutely lovely. He added me on Facebook not long after DH left just through a mutual interest and I had arranged to meet him but I backed out the day before, and he simply said 'okay, no problem. So how's your day?' And moved on like it was no biggie. Him and exDH are like chalk and cheese, and he's really helping me with what's going on. He's happy to chat about my feelings and I even told him last night how I felt about this news, and he just video called me and let me talk it out.

First night away from DD ever though - very very nervous. My best friend is coming to my house with her DD (a week older than my DD) so we're going to spend Saturday together then I'll sneak off. Dreading it but also very excited to not have to wake up at 6am for the first time in almost 2 years!!

@DriftGames how exciting! I get that you're nervous but yes a lie in passed 6am will do you the world of good!

I'm really pleased for you, you're managing this so well and you should be very proud of yourself. X

@MrsN85 thank you so much! I'm coping better than I thought I would but I still have my wobbles!

@DriftGames, ooh new man sounds lovely! Your dd will be fine. Children are so resilient. She'll have a great time. Of course it will be harder for you. That's being a good mummy. We all have wobbles but you're doing brilliantly 👏

@Amdone123 thank you! I'm hoping the distraction of having her little partner in crime will take her mind off of me being gone!

I've just read the thread through. What a journey you have been on.
You should be very proud of yourself.

So, he has met someone. Not sure why he told you, apart from to triangulate you. His conduct is so poor.
Please don't give him any information about you, though you may be tempted to even the scores, it's just playing his game.
Realise it's all a game.

I used to say to myself, 'don't play the biggest c* competition with him, he will win everytime' .

Also, picturing him with new woman, if it causes you stress, don't do it. Stop making up stories and hurting yourself.
Going back into the past when things were good, it's putting glitter on shit.
You see who he is now.
That's what she is getting.
You don't want that.
He had his chance, he couldn't do it, he is not up to it, unsuitable, not good enough.

That's the truth.
he is not good enough for you stay with the truth.
It really does set you free!

to your good health!

@Moretodo thank you for your kind words! You'll note I've had a few wobbles but I'm hoping this, like the rest will pass. I know he isn't good enough for us, and I keep that at the forefront of my mind at all times

Interesting update.

He called me on Monday today he was no longer seeing his new partner, because he wasn't ready - fair enough. That evening he came to see DD but ended up crying and begging for me back. I've made it clear that won't happen.

Today, I've changed my social media profiles back to my maiden name, I've sought advice about the divorce and I've told him we need to talk about it. He said he was in total shock and couldn't speak now. My brother is going to watch DD one evening next week and I'm taking him to a pub to talk it through - less likely to argue in a public place.

I just want to get it all sorted now, I've sat on it for too long and it's stopping me from moving on. Painful, but necessary.

I wonder if that is the truth?
Maybe she dumped him.
Maybe there wasn't someone else.
It could all be a fabrication.

In my experience, he probably can't take it that you are not playing the game.
You were supposed to be insecure, begging for him back and accepting anything and everything he feels like dishing out.

You are a few steps ahead because of collective MN wisdom of how we manage such situations.

I sense you may want to give it a go with him, hence meeting up when it's not really necessary. I'm not judging you if that is the case, having been here myself this was what I did.
Back for another cycle.

Ultimately, he is not developed enough to be who you need, though it may be what you think you want, and that is all OK.

If you do want to try and salvage your marriage could you offer couples therapy but stay apart for now?

You are currently in the position of power. My opinion is that he is giving you the illusion of control (it's all up to you, in your hands) when you step down to an equal footing I would think he will act up again and renege on agreements etc.

I may be wrong (it has been known ) this is just my feeling about it.
Feel free to disregard.
Mine is a cautionary approach as we can lose our hard won gains and recovery very, very fast and be back to square one.

I'm sure others will be along soon and chip in with their experience and suggestions.

Wow OP, well done!

@Moretodo potentially 3 months ago you'd have been right, but as you say, he hasn't developed to the person he would need to be for me to want to try and save the marriage, so I'm set that's it's over. I just want to get the ball rolling now!

@AreYouReally thank you! Feeling good about it all (I think!!)

Just checking in after a big social media break.

Hope you're well and you managed to get the divorce ball rolling on good terms.

X

Dear lord. Please walk away from this and don't look back. He sounds awful.

How are you op x

Hi everyone!

All is well here. He has stepped up considerably with DD which is great, I just hope it lasts. He's still refusing to talk about the divorce but seems to she matured slightly and is easy to talk to/arrange contact for DD with which helps. I would think this is likely because he still wants me back but it's making my life easy so carry on!

The dynamic at work had changed recently - my boss is still amazing, but some of the staff and some upcoming changes aren't something I'm a fan of, so I'm looking at going into my degree field and moving closer to my mum. It's going to take a lot of planning but it's something I'm seriously considering! Only 35 miles away so ex can't argue I'm taking DD away, we both drive so an arrangement could easily be made.

Thanks for checking in everyone!

@DriftGames this all sounds great, see onwards and upwards like we all told you that you would be! So happy for you. Xx

@DriftGames hey, weirdly got a notification on this thread but nothing new to see, took as a sign to check in and see if alls still well? X