DH has left me. Cheer me up MN!

[DriftGames]

In 26, H is 31. Together 5.5 years, married 2.5, DD together 18mo.

He's always had flaws. Lazy, quite selfish (always made the plans, always did what he wanted to do and I just went along), plenty of flirting with other women in secret via social media, but he did look after me and through my rose tinted glasses I let all the shit slip.

After our wedding we decided to TTC DD1. Very excited, fell pregnant fast, all was great until she was about 3 months. I think I had PND but not diagnosed and lockdown hit. I don't live near any family or friends as I moved to be with him. He was furloughed for a little while (5 weeks) which was amazing but once he went back, it was back to me doing all of the parenting, night feeds (EBF and awful sleeper), the housework etc. It came to a head in June 2020 and he left. After some talking he came back and I admitted fault (unsure what for but that's narcissists for you).

Since June 2020, he's probably lived with his parents more than he has here. He knows he always manages to make the split my fault so I shower him with attention and he comes back eventually. Monday last week I asked him to help with DD at night as she's not longer BF and I'm exhausted and not coping well at work etc. He flew off the handle, asked me to pack his bags. I packed mine and DD's instead, left a note and then went to stay with family. We're back now. He's not seen DD. He won't give me house keys or make arrangements but is '100% done'.

Playing games? Maybe. Have I begged like a twat? Yes.

He says he's done. Because I asked him to help with his child.

I love him, but all said and done, please can you guys cheer me up and show me that me and DD absolutely deserve better and that I will get over this?

Congrats if you got this far!!

No reason why he can't have her from Sunday evening, but a travel cot and actually take care of her for 24 hours?

I think giving him a timetable of access is a good idea. It means you can start to make plans and have some time to yourself, otherwise you'll find yourself waiting in for him and being at his beck and call.

If he's late and you have to go out then that's his lookout and he misses contact. If he tries to bring her back early and you're out, again that's his responsibility. He has 50% parental responsibility

He can of course make suggestions about the contact plan, and you agree between yourselves but I wouldn't having him swanning in and out as he pleases. This is about your dd and all kids need routine. It might be fine for her at the moment, but later it won't do her any good whatsoever not to know when and for how long she'll see Dad.

My ex has our dc eow, Friday after school until Sunday evening and one day after school. She goes to him directly from school and takes her to school the following day.

Or could you drop her at his mum's on Monday morning? That way you're not stuck waiting around for him. Also stops him popping into your space all the time.

@RandomMess we have a travel cot, he's just dead convinced she will only settle for me. It's not true. It's easier for me but it's doable with someone else - when I went to stay with family the week he left, he settle for my SM who's she's only met a handful of times due to covid.

I'm not making excuses for him, but I think he's scared. He's never done any of the bedtimes or night feeds/wakes. He's never had her on his own/without me for more than a few hours. He hasn't really got a clue. She will be cared for, but things will be very 'off routine' as such.

He has no choice but to get used to it now. He's made his bed and now he can lie in it!

Exactly so tell him he needs to start having her for overnights working towards EOW Friday to Monday.

I would ring CMS and register a claim because if he pisses you about then they will only backdate to the day you phone up.

I would recommend getting her used to daily naps on the travel cot when with you as it will help her settle anywhere.

@RandomMess good shout on the cot naps, I'll give that a whirl!

I think tomorrow when he has her whilst I WFH I'll just bring a few things up. He's quote 'I don't want to talk about this right now' with a lot of it but I just want a routine in place and a plan with maintenance - then in theory I've no reason to speak with him unless about DD.

My garage is full of his shit, as is my shed. He needs to get that gone ASAP.

Took me until baby #4 to work that one out 🤦🏼‍♀️ was fab meant she would sleep anywhere!

If he doesn't collect his shit when agreed start dropping it off at his parents or wherever it is he is living.

You need steely boundaries he has piss taker written all over him. I wonder if he's still in shock that you've gone through with ending it.

He’s not scared - he couldn’t be arsed. He’s had her for less than an hour each time because it interferes with his new bachelor lifestyle. He can fucking learn how much parenting a child for a whole weekend interferes with his lifestyle... (Scratch that - he probably won’t. Can’t see his Mummy stopping him from doing whatever TAF he wants to do.

@RandomMess I'll definitely have some bits written down to discuss with him tomorrow! Thanks for the tips. Not sure about him being in shock. When he returned DD this evening I said I've unlocked the door and I'm in the garden so come through, he did, I was sat on a video call to my mum, with a glass of wine and the dog relaxing on my lap. I acted happy, told DD to show him her new garden toys etc just to act the adult, to show what I've done to my house and garden since he left! Playing games maybe? So what. I've come so far so fuck him I'm going to be proud of what I've achieved already!

@Justilou1 scared probably wasn't the right word, but he genuinely hasn't got a clue what it takes to be a parent. Good luck to him!

He collected her, after calling me to say he would be late, then returned her exactly 30 mins later. He's since changed his Facebook profile picture to a god awful picture of them both (obviously DD looks adorable), but he's done that all 3 times he's seen her since we split. So I assume that's him trying to show that he's still having contact.

Yep, next time he's late tell him not to bother. Not fair on DD disrupting her routine so he can take a photo and pretend he is super Dad.

@RandomMess super twat 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh he’s a chocolate fucking teapot isn’t he? You really arendoing so well. Soon he won’t exist at all for you except to be a minor annoyance. Just keep diarising everything. I also recommend the watermark on every photo you send and short, emotionless texts. Nothing personal about you at all. Just your DD.

I wouldn't be tolerating this half hour drop ins/having DD.

You need to make it so he has to step up and parent her it's just ridiculous that he swans in takes some photos of her and drops her back again.

Time to head out to the supermarket so he can't return her early!

Honestly, chercher la femme

@RandomMess @Justilou1 I'm only tolerating it as it's so new. I think tomorrow when he brings her home (I've said he's having her 12:30- when she wants to go to bed around 6:30) I'm going to say that the evening pickup isn't working and offer him EOW Sunday morning instead for example.

@spicysechuan if I'm following your drift, I don't think so. I think he speaks to lots of women/girls to massage his ego but honestly I don't think he could bag anyone. He didn't ever really become absent or go anywhere that I deemed suspicious, generally just work and back, or to collect car parts but he would ask if I'd go with him most times. Emotional affair could be a potential though, given how often I'd find him on Snapchat with huge 'streaks' or 'chat' conversations, as these automatically disappear once sent & read!

If that's the case though, good luck to her!!

I think you are showing amazing resilience and strength, @DriftGames! When I compare myself at 26 to you... Apples and Oranges! I know it must be very difficult being the entire adult universe for your little one, but woman, it’s so much better than subjecting her to the uselessness that her father is modeling at the moment. Also, there is no loneliness like trying to hang onto a dying relationship. I bet you feel like you can breathe so much easier without his opinions and judgments to cater to. You should be as proud of yourself as we all are!

@Justilou1 wow, what a lovely message to see so early in the day! Thank you so much.

I'm not having a wobble as such this morning but I'm planning a conversation I need to have with him regarding new partners. I'm not in a position to look at the moment, it's been 2.5 weeks and I'm busy working and raising a child, but he probably has given that he's always entertained different women throughout our whole relationship. I just want to make it clear that he is not to have his love interests around our child until he's certain that it's a worthwhile relationship, as I don't want DD getting even more confused than she already is! In the same respect that I wouldn't dream of doing it, so it's not one sided.

Any tips on how I approach this without accusing him, as such? I wouldn't be impressed, though not surprised, if he's already onto the next one but I just don't want him exposing DD to anyone until it's a stable relationship!

To be honest, you can’t stop him from having anyone around. It’s also too soon and this is likely to be very antagonistic. I would take a step back for a bit. If he’s only got her for half an hour at a time, it isn’t going to matter. Just chill for a bit first. Maybe suggest that he learns how to parent with his mum first... make it a little friendly, not laying down the law. Yet....

@Justilou1, I agree.
@DriftGames, I wouldn't have that conversation atm. Apart from the fact he'll think you're feeling insecure ( I know you're not, but the front you put on atm is crucial). Just talk to him about childcare first. You could phrase that as in, We need to construct a schedule that we both stick to so lo doesn't feel confused...also we both need time out to live our own lives....Make him know that you're happy / excited to move on. ( I know you are, so that's true).

@Amdone123 @Justilou1 thank you. You're right. I think because he's always seemed to have someone else almost waiting in line, it probably is in my head that that's going to be the case. If I'm honest, out of respect, I don't think he would anyway, yet. I had my family over for a bbq on Sunday, didn't tell him obviously, but he asked about DD and I sent him a picture of her on her new slide and eating a burger, he replied 'who's around my daughter??' So from that I would think he wouldn't have anyone around her that he wouldn't be comfortable with me having around her.

I'll discuss contact & maintenance this evening, definitely.

New car day tomorrow hopefully!!

@DriftGames, Who's around my daughter?!! Erh, not you !
Exciting about the car.

I wouldn't mention about needing to live your lives etc.

I'm sure you want to be a loving involved father rather than a dead beat Dad that lays loads in maintenance rather than spending time with their child.

Keep it about him having a relationship with DD and check the CMS calculations based on him not having overnights, needs to be more than one per week to make a difference anyway.

And remind him that's the minimum in law not a statement that this is a reasonable amount on which a child can be raised. Also that he needs to provide what DD needs on his time including nappies, food, clothes.

...he replied 'who's around my daughter??' So from that I would think he wouldn't have anyone around her that he wouldn't be comfortable with me having around her.

This, plus the text about his friend calling around sounds like textbook transference.
I really do think that you should be prepared for the possibility of an OW emerging soon, and he will want to pretend to be BestDadEver to her - they all fucking do. They know that if they were truly themselves the way they were with you and DD that any OW would run for the hills at what a deadbeat partner he is. So they go all out to impress.

Anyway, you need to think about future strategy - start as you mean to go on. Restricting any future partner of his from being around your DD, means that he also gets that say in your personal life. Ditto with answering him about any enquiries about any person in your life or any man that might be in your house - he doesn't get to ask, and is not entitled to an answer.