DH has left me. Cheer me up MN!

[DriftGames]

In 26, H is 31. Together 5.5 years, married 2.5, DD together 18mo.

He's always had flaws. Lazy, quite selfish (always made the plans, always did what he wanted to do and I just went along), plenty of flirting with other women in secret via social media, but he did look after me and through my rose tinted glasses I let all the shit slip.

After our wedding we decided to TTC DD1. Very excited, fell pregnant fast, all was great until she was about 3 months. I think I had PND but not diagnosed and lockdown hit. I don't live near any family or friends as I moved to be with him. He was furloughed for a little while (5 weeks) which was amazing but once he went back, it was back to me doing all of the parenting, night feeds (EBF and awful sleeper), the housework etc. It came to a head in June 2020 and he left. After some talking he came back and I admitted fault (unsure what for but that's narcissists for you).

Since June 2020, he's probably lived with his parents more than he has here. He knows he always manages to make the split my fault so I shower him with attention and he comes back eventually. Monday last week I asked him to help with DD at night as she's not longer BF and I'm exhausted and not coping well at work etc. He flew off the handle, asked me to pack his bags. I packed mine and DD's instead, left a note and then went to stay with family. We're back now. He's not seen DD. He won't give me house keys or make arrangements but is '100% done'.

Playing games? Maybe. Have I begged like a twat? Yes.

He says he's done. Because I asked him to help with his child.

I love him, but all said and done, please can you guys cheer me up and show me that me and DD absolutely deserve better and that I will get over this?

Congrats if you got this far!!

@OrchestraOfWankery I did think he's probably bored of being at his parents.

Me and DD have been out today, he asked for pictures of her and was all 'she's so gorgeous, she's amazing' - she is, and you're missing it all! Twat.

Don't get into the habit of updating him and sending photos.

He can take his own photos and find out how she is by parenting her you know picking her up and looking after her overnight.

I used to put a big watermark over the photos of Dd I sent to her dad - so he couldn’t post them on social media pretending to be father of the year

[quote DriftGames]@Fireflygal he craves attention, hence the flirting on social media, and no one is ever good enough for him. He only shows an interest in things he is interested in, if someone does something slightly annoying or inconvenient towards him then he takes the stance that he's 'done' with them as they've wronged him. He has very little empathy for others, can never see where he may have done wrong.

I know I'm better off without him, it's just hard right now.

He had DD for less than an hour last night and has already changed his SM picture to him and DD, probably along with a caption about how I've not let him see her - which obviously is not true. As much as I would like to announce on SM that we have separated and the reasons why, to protect my own reputation more than anything, I'm just not willing to satisfy his ego that way. Whether he has put anything up, I don't know, I'm blocked. But I'm taking the higher ground here and not rising - anyone close enough to know the ins and outs of what's happened will already know the truth. [/quote]
I’m guessing he’ll be going for 50:50 custody then? No...?

He sounds a right twat, and good for you OP! You and DD can enjoy life now.

@Ostryga

😂

You know I was suspicious that was exactly why he was suddenly asking for them. Help his OLD profile "my daughter my world"

Congratulations you are free of the wanker!! You're young, gorgeous and single! You have everything going for you and your whole life ahead of you to explore what makes you happy. Good luck. This will be a great adventure xx

@DriftGames

He's text this morning, to see how DD & DDog are (first time hes asked about DDog). He used nicknames for them, ones that we used to use together, asked for pictures etc. Totally different tone to what he's had the last 2 weeks. I replied with a pic of each and said 'both good' and he replied 'I love them both so much.'

Regretting his decision? Trying to show me his mood has improved? Trying to worm his way back in through conversation?

Honestly don't know. But I'm not rising to it! I haven't replied since his 'I love them' text!

Trying to get you back on the hook. That conversation where you distanced yourself and went through practical arrangements has made him realise you've seen the light, and he doesn't like it. He's trying to reel you back in but will try to give you as little as possible in doing so - e.g. the gushing about DD and dog but not you.

Do not be fooled by this. You're now the independent woman living in your own place with your gorgeous daughter and a bright future ahead. He is the sad sack living back at his parents who can't even pack his own bags or get up to see to a baby in the night.

Don't send pictures every time he asks. More space between messages. You haven't got time for that, you're busy having fun with DD.

Happened to me op but I was bit younger best thing to happen as I meet dh been together almost 12 years and have a little family. Don't let him worm his way back in.

Congrats for getting rid this is a blessing, you and your daughter deserve more. He didn’t ask about his daughter for ten days? That’s not ok, he should have been beside himself

Onwards, Upwards and no longer cuntwards.

Enjoy it OP.

@Ostryga

I used to put a big watermark over the photos of Dd I sent to her dad - so he couldn’t post them on social media pretending to be father of the year

Sounds like a good idea for an awful lot of things.

This guy clearly wasn’t ready for parenthood one bit- my 22 year old son has friends like this in their early 30’s and they still have the mentality of a fresher at uni. Onwards and upwards OP, you sound lovely — don’t rush out there either to meet someone else, enjoy some time with just the 2 of you

I'm amazed people are still reading and supporting - it's genuinely really helpful, especially when I have a bit of a wobble.

I don't reply immediately, and I've turned my read receipts off so even if I check what he's sent, he won't know if I've read it or not. I've only sent pictures today - and only because he genuinely seemed interested in what DD was up to and her welfare.

He has asked about her almost daily but literally just 'DD ok?' 'Yes' and that's it so I imagine it's out of obligation rather than anything else.

I won't be reeled back in - I imagine it's really upsetting him now, seeing that me and DD are getting out and about with lockdown easing, I'm more than coping on my own (as I've been doing from day one), and I can make my own plans and not just follow his! Kind of childish, but I'm enjoying this slight turn of the tables.

Feeling good today

Just because you have a vagina doesn't mean you have to be left holding the baby. Arrange a meeting and give dd to him with some nappies and wipes etc. Then block him.

Having a bit of a wobble this evening

It's normal to have a wobble or two. Stay strong and remember what a knob he is.

Thanks @SpacePotato I will. Think I'm just reflecting after a lovely weekend with friends and family and suddenly feel very alone. DD appears to be coming down with a cold so she's been asleep since 6:15 leaving me and my thoughts to wander!

If anyone's still following, I've just received this text - name scrubbed out is DH best friend.

Why are you conversing with him?

Stop giving him any consideration or headspace. He can find out how DD is when he has her for contact.

He's chatting to you to reel you in or find a way to blame you for this break up and play victim.

Time to emotionally detach from him and his game playing.

@RandomMess I appreciate what you're saying, but if he asks about DD then I'll always respond, because I'd like to think if the shoe were on the other foot he would do the same.

I think with the text regarding his best friend I was just so taken aback! He knows I WFH on Mondays and knows DD is unwell so I just can't fathom where the fuck this came from. After his 'don't worry about it' I wanted to delve deeper but as you said, don't converse. Though now I'm wondering how he was acting to make him jump straight to that conclusion!!

For background, we're all massive car enthusiasts, think 'boy racer', even me. If I was going to have people round that were close to DH, I really wouldn't go for the person he's accusing, because his car is so obnoxious and identifiable that there would be no doubt if he were to ask around that it was him!

@DriftGames, smear campaign begins..the reason you have left is because you are having an affair, with his best friend. This works on so many levels for him. You are painted black and his is a double victim, betrayed by his wife and best friend.

I know of a man who has left his wife and 2 young children, he insinuates she had affairs, nothing could be further from the truth. It's a common strategy, attack as the best form of defence.

Denials won't really work so best not to engage too much. A simple No works best. If he will make up stories he will do so irrespective of what you say.

He cannot be bothered to make the effort to see his DC then he isn't actually interested in their welfare day to day. Sadly I think it's an excuse to keep in communication with you, keep tabs on you and yes start a smear campaign.

@Ostryga

I used to put a big watermark over the photos of Dd I sent to her dad - so he couldn’t post them on social media pretending to be father of the year

Love this!

@Fireflygal @RandomMess wow, hadn't even thought about it like that! I was tempted to ask the best friend but didn't, and obviously wanted to ask what gave him that impression but just left it. Just can't imagine why he would frame his best friend?? He's had the idea that my boss wants a bit of me so surely he'd have gone down that route??

He did ask about DD a few hours later, she's all full of cough and cold, I kept it plain and simple as I always do. He says he's seeing her tonight after work but she was in bed for 5:55 last night because she's not well! We'll see.

Your doing good and you ahve a supportive manager which is great for a single parent.
Two things to do:
Get cms sorted.
Get an agreed contact schedule that works for you dc and you.
All bills etc for house in your name and contract (think you have done this)
Do something good just for you.... Doesn't matter what. Bright pink sofa, hideous hours statue (my choices). You are free now.
I wish you the very very best xx