Waited so long for a proposal it's put me off marriage

[sunflower1201]

Been together nearly 7 years, dragged his feet all the way and I was even told I had 'put him off' by trying to talk about it so much. Even I've gone off the idea now, can't face the rejection any more. Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do?

Maybe it hasn't put you off marriage but put you off the idea of marriage with him?

I'd have cut my losses a very long time before that, I reasoned that if someone wasn't going to show me they were committed them they weren't the one I wanted to commit my life to.

They say if he hasn’t proposed in 3 years he’s not going to.

Are you on the same page for the future?

Honestly, I would leave. Do you really want to be with someone who has only married you because they felt they had to?

I was in exactly the same position at 7 years...!!! He proposed to me after 10 years together when I'd given up / forgotten about marriage and it was a wonderful surprise!! He said he waited so long because he wanted to be financially secure.

Do you have children?

Why haven't you proposed? If you sort of have, by talking about marriage a lot, he's sort of said no. Why doesn't he want to marry you?

An why do you want to marry someone who makes you feel rejected?
"Stay away from people who make you feel like you are hard to love" as the saying goes

I’d say he’s playing games by saying you’ve put him off by talking about it. It’s rather unkind. But also women have so much more power in this situation than they used to have. We don’t have to wait for a proposal if we want to be married.

It really depends how old you are and what you want going forward. In particular, do you want children and do you want to be married before you have them (generally a good move if you’re in England because unmarried partners have basically no rights in the event of a split. Other countries have different rules)?

If you want children and he’s dragging his feet, you may be at risk of wasting your fertile years and losing the opportunity to have children while he drags his feet only to have him go off with a younger woman and start a family with her. I know women this has happened to. You may be young enough that this not yet a concern but if you’re in your 30s and want children, it’s important to be alive to this risk.

We're late 20's, no kids. I sometimes think I'm being unreasonable, that we have no real reason to rush but at the same time after 7 years it's not exactly rushing

@sunflower1201 I am in the same boat, 7 years down the line still no ring. I dearly love him but it hurts my feelings when I know he has proposed to ex's in the past who treated him like crap.
I am now pregnant and not as bothered about a ring/kind given up on it and focussing on this new chapter of our lives. I got to the point where I needed to either leave him or accept that we probably won't ever get married, so I went with the second option.

He doesn't want to marry you.

Quite why you would put yourself through seven years of humiliation is anyone's guess .

I’m not sure I could be with anyone who dragged their feet. Don’t you want to be with someone who is on the same page as you?

There was a thread on here recently from a poster who had been with their partner ten years or so, he was never intending on proposing and had a million excuses as to why now wasn’t the right time. They split up as the OP realised she was being taken for a fool.

I'll never understand people who give away all their agency and power in a relationship waiting for someone else to provide them what they want in life.

I'd have left years ago. Not interested in marrying someone who doesn't want to marry me.

As for putting off kids for some boyfriend, nope.

Propose to him. Then he either says yes, yay everyone is happy and you get married. Or he says no and you know where you stand. He will at least have to explain why not.

He's had seven years. How much more of your life do you want to give away? Run. Go and have a bloody good time, and if you meet someone special, don't live with them without getting married first.

@Notagain20

Propose to him. Then he either says yes, yay everyone is happy and you get married. Or he says no and you know where you stand. He will at least have to explain why not.

This. I think he's stringing you along...If he wanted to marry you, he would be happy with the conversations.

I have sat him down so many times, he even said 'pick a date' and we'll do it then but it felt so unenthusiastic. It's always 'we are too young' 'waiting for the right moment'. He's a wonderful person and we laugh and have so much fun but he knows how much it means to me. I think he started to realise that I would seriously leave and now he brings it up but I'm the one changing the subject. Is this cutting off my own nose to spite myself?

No it might be your gut telling you that it isn't right.

Have you discussed it?

He doesn’t want to marry you. He’s had 7 years. Don’t let him tell you it’s ‘just a bit of paper’ either as it isn’t.

You’re in your 20s, plenty of time to find someone who thinks marrying you is the best thing ever.

[quote PineappleSnoz]@sunflower1201 I am in the same boat, 7 years down the line still no ring. I dearly love him but it hurts my feelings when I know he has proposed to ex's in the past who treated him like crap.
I am now pregnant and not as bothered about a ring/kind given up on it and focussing on this new chapter of our lives. I got to the point where I needed to either leave him or accept that we probably won't ever get married, so I went with the second option.[/quote]
This is a bit worrying, you're very vulnerable once kids come along. And you've basically shown him that you'll give up what's important to you to go along with what he wants. Congratulations on your pregnancy but be careful

@sunflower1201

We're late 20's, no kids. I sometimes think I'm being unreasonable, that we have no real reason to rush but at the same time after 7 years it's not exactly rushing

What? This is classic. He will never marry you and you are wasting your time. Time to move on and find someone else. Why are you being so passive about your own life? This is the time of your life, no kids, no commitments, when you are truly in the driving seat. You are the architect of your own future. Don't you think you deserve better than someone who doesn't want the same thing as you and gets narky and turns it round on you that your feelings are wrong or bad?

Are you living together? If you're renting, look for another place to live. Tell him you're through. Mean it. Stop wasting your time and giving this man all your power.

Oh Jesus, OP, just listen to yourself.

He doesn't want to marry you. Saying 'pick a date' and being unenthusiastic is just another way of putting you off. If you do manage to drag him to the altar you'll never hear the end of it: he'll just ramp up his passive aggressive shit until you're both utterly miserable.

I think for some men it can be the thought of the expense. Engagement ring, wedding etc. It’s a lot of expense and organisation .

In fairness, you got together young. People do change a lot in their twenties. I was certainly very different at 29 to when I was 22.
Rather than view it as being rejected, see it as you still have your freedom. You haven't had children. You are free to have fun as a single person and meet someone in the future.

I was in this situation and he eventually left me for someone else. Same timeframe. Sorry op. Decide what you want and tell him and if he doesn’t want the same think about leaving, it’s your life too.