Page 10 | Waited so long for a proposal it's put me off marriage

LillianGish · 20/04/2021 10:51

Do you really want to marry someone who only proposes because you've given them an ultimatum? Your partner hasn't even left home which would ring alarm bells for me. I think moving out would be a good test of what happens next. I'm just worried that moving out and but remaining together will kill our relationship - if it dies it dies - but if the only thing keeping it together is living in limbo with his parents you'd be doing yourself a favour. I have a master's degree, have studied abroad, worked in Europe, have a decent job and lots of lovely friends. I would be totally fine by myself You absolutely will be - though once you disentangle yourself from this relationship which is going nowhere you are unlikely to be on your own for long then you can start to get on with your life with someone who wants the same things as you. Do it now while you still have time on your side and before the tick of your biological clock becomes deafening. I did just that (many years ago) and now have a lovely family. My ex met someone else who he also strung on for seven years until she left him. No idea what he's doing now - I could probably find out, but I'm no longer interested. In my case I took a two year job secondment to another part of the country to force a move and a change of scene - it was the year I was 30 which made me rethink lots of things in my life. Being in a new place, meeting new people and with an exciting new job helped me properly turn the page. In theory I had the option of going back in two years which I think helped me make the move psychologically, but in reality I never went back because by then I had moved onwards and upwards and met the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life and who needed no arm-twisting or ultimatums to do so.

Kat6901 · 20/04/2021 10:57

Ps op you sound bloody brilliant!!

roastpotatoesss · 20/04/2021 11:10

OP your post made me so sad because it sounds exactly like me a few years ago- I was with my boyfriend for 7 years and he never popped the question, friends were getting married and I couldn't understand why he didn't want to commit to me. Eventually he did but his heart never felt in it, and sure enough we eventually ended up divorced- with him making me feel like he never wanted to be married to me the entire time. Within a fortnight he'd met someone else, they are now married.

I would now never waste my time being with someone who didn't demonstrate that they wanted to be with me- whether your barometer is marriage or other actions. You're still young, there is time to start over and find someone else if you want (as I did), please cut this guy out of your life and watch your self-esteem soar.

Original poster

sunflower1201 · 20/04/2021 14:19

@Kat6901

Ps op you sound bloody brilliant!!

Thank you, sometimes I need reminding of that!

OP posts:

Original poster

sunflower1201 · 20/04/2021 14:23

@roastpotatoesss

OP your post made me so sad because it sounds exactly like me a few years ago- I was with my boyfriend for 7 years and he never popped the question, friends were getting married and I couldn't understand why he didn't want to commit to me. Eventually he did but his heart never felt in it, and sure enough we eventually ended up divorced- with him making me feel like he never wanted to be married to me the entire time. Within a fortnight he'd met someone else, they are now married.

I would now never waste my time being with someone who didn't demonstrate that they wanted to be with me- whether your barometer is marriage or other actions. You're still young, there is time to start over and find someone else if you want (as I did), please cut this guy out of your life and watch your self-esteem soar.

Sorry to hear your situation, it sounds incredibly difficult and pretty soul destroying. I hope now you are in a happier situation, sometimes it takes hearing real stories to give me a kick up the arse!

OP posts:

TurquoiseDragon · 22/04/2021 18:50

@Dontbeme

It is hard to think clearly, I don't want to upset or offend his family as they are lovely and have supported me a lot too and then when I speak to my family about it they love him so much they think I should be satisfied to wait and it's almost like I'm making a fuss over nothing

But what about what you want and need? Why do he, his family and your family come before what you want in your life? I think you should see a counsellor OP to help you figure this out. You say you feel alone, well because you are alone. Living in his parents home, what support do you have? What happens if you argue, his family will support him surely, maybe you feel you can't argue as it would be "ungrateful" after all his family allow you to live in their home. He has you backed into a corner, you will never progress with this man as he is happy as he is and seems not too bothered if you are unhappy, everyone is telling you to be happy and grateful for something you don't really want. You don't have to accept this, you can make different choices, they are just scary to you right now. Seriously speak to someone to unpick this dynamic of you floating along with someone else's choices at the expense of your own life.

OP, you sound lovely. but you shouldn't be with someone just because their parents are nice, or your parents think he''s great.

I agree with this post, and it's time for you to start thinking about you. I feel this relationship has run it's course,and he won't marry you, this situation has all the signs.

So, think about what you want to do. Once you've made the decision to end things and leave, you'll find the world is your oyster.

LivBa · 22/04/2021 19:06

If a man was cruelly stringing along my daughter the way your boyfriend is OP, I certainly wouldn't be fond of them at all and would think he's treating her terribly by not breaking up with her if he doesn't want to commit and wasting her precious time preventing her for meeting a good man who wants the same, and wasting fertility years she will never get back.

The fact your family still think he's so great (and interestingly haven't advised you to dump him already) makes me wonder if your people pleasing issues stem from your childhood and lessons you unconsciously learnt back then.

SarahBellam · 22/04/2021 20:29

OP you sound like an amazing woman - intelligent, fun, thoughtful, kind. Many many excellent high quality men would be thrilled to meet a woman like you. Ask him to marry you and tell him you want to be married by x date - straight out. If he says no, or tries to put you off, or makes excuses, then at least you know and can make a decision based on all the information.

RedRocketGirl · 23/04/2021 13:01

@sunflower1201

Been together nearly 7 years, dragged his feet all the way and I was even told I had 'put him off' by trying to talk about it so much. Even I've gone off the idea now, can't face the rejection any more. Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do?

Oh @sunflower1201 like others who have already responded I have been in your shoes - and ironically I still am in some ways.

As hard and harsh as it is, your partner is showing you loud and clear that he doesn't want to get married to you. This happened to me, there was no doubt that we loved each other, he was really upset when I decided to leave after nearly 10 years together, we both cried. It hurt massively. He said marriage wasn't important etc etc. I had told him before we moved in together that by doing so he understood that I wanted marriage and babies, he then told the relationship counsellor 5 years later that he didn't think that I had meant that 'literally'. Within months of my leaving he had a new relationship and within 2 or 3 years he was married.

So I'm now with someone else and we also do love each other very much and he has many great qualities. However, he can also be lazy and stubborn and thoughtless at times. We talked about marriage on and off, I was always clear it was important to me, vague commitments and promises were made and I grew increasingly frustrated waiting for that proposal. I made it clear that I had a personal deadline to get married before a milestone birthday and he just didn't do anything. Well worse than that, he built my hopes up by suggesting that he was waiting until we went away to propose, so when we did go away months later I was expecting a proposal and then I realised on our last night that he had no intention of doing it. He was utterly clueless. His words to me were that 'it wasn't even on my radar'

At that point I realised that the question was did I want to be with him more than I wanted to be without him? So many marriages fail (we know people who have met, got together, had kids, got married and are now divorced in the time we've been together) so it doesn't mean you will stay together and I had to decide if getting married was non negotiable or if if it's about the relationship.

However, in saying that going through the mill again, hoping for and expecting a proposal that would never come has broken something in me and that in some small way, I will never be quite the same again. I still love him, I choose to be with him, there are no kids (it was too late for me sadly). However, I am the main earner, I am going to have a blowout shindig for that milestone birthday (belatedly when Covid allows) and in some way it will be the wedding reception I never had with family and loved ones. However, I also have the freedom of knowing that of things were to go wrong there is no claim on my house, my pension or my savings and that risk and loss is his.

I also know that if things don't work out I will be OK. I'd be devastated but I would be OK.

I feel for you and I hope that you find the strength to walk away and find someone who wants the same things as you and who makes you blissfully happy.

Newestname001 · 24/04/2021 12:45

@RedRocketGirl

Well worse than that, he built my hopes up by suggesting that he was waiting until we went away to propose, so when we did go away months later I was expecting a proposal and then I realised on our last night that he had no intention of doing it. He was utterly clueless. His words to me were that 'it wasn't even on my radar'

That wasn't just unkind and thoughtless of him, it was cruel. It wasn't just clueless; he knew what he was doing, and that you would stay with him, regardless.

I don't think I would want to share any part of my life with someone who would treat me like this. 🌹

SelkieIntegrated · 24/04/2021 17:05

Id rather be single than stay with the asshole that wouldnt propose, knowing that it was why your last relationship ended, you told him you wanted that and he hasnt proposed and hasnt broken it off so you're free to find what you've always been clear you wanted @RedRocketGirl

So glad i dont care im single.

SelkieIntegrated · 24/04/2021 17:08

True, be glad he has no claim on your assets. 🍷

RedRocketGirl · 26/04/2021 11:05

@SelkieIntegrated @Newestname001 totally understand your viewpoints - especially with the limited information i've given.

I am a bit sad about the marriage thing but it really is part of a bigger picture and you only have to look on the conversations on here to see that it has no real influence if you stay together or not. I know he's not cruel and he really hasn't done it deliberately he is just rather crap and thoughtless at times. However, he has also done and does a lot for me and he's made huge changes that do mean a lot. He literally will clean the shit off my shoe and this combined with everything else means that he's a keeper and relationships often involve compromise. I think he genuinely thought that we will get married some day - but he's missed that boat now!

LivBa · 26/04/2021 19:49

@RedRocketGirl sorry but your current boyfriend is taking you for ride and is very cruel. Please don't be so naive and submissive when you've already let two non committal men wreck your chances of having biological children by staying with them.

If marriage is what you truly want, find someone who wants to commit to you and feels the same way. It's what you deserve. Like your ex and so many other men, this man could up and leave down the line and then marry a younger woman and even have kids with her. He has all the time in the world to do that and staying unmarried means he has that easy backdoor permanently open without having to worry about any divorce stigma. He knows exactly what he's doing by not marrying you.

Your comment about marriages not lasting doesn't make any sense at all when unmarried partnerships are much more likely to end than marriages. E.g. think of all the people you know who've broken up with boyfriends/girlfriends over the course of their adult lives

RedRocketGirl · 27/04/2021 13:34

[quote LivBa]@RedRocketGirl sorry but your current boyfriend is taking you for ride and is very cruel. Please don't be so naive and submissive when you've already let two non committal men wreck your chances of having biological children by staying with them.

If marriage is what you truly want, find someone who wants to commit to you and feels the same way. It's what you deserve. Like your ex and so many other men, this man could up and leave down the line and then marry a younger woman and even have kids with her. He has all the time in the world to do that and staying unmarried means he has that easy backdoor permanently open without having to worry about any divorce stigma. He knows exactly what he's doing by not marrying you.

Your comment about marriages not lasting doesn't make any sense at all when unmarried partnerships are much more likely to end than marriages. E.g. think of all the people you know who've broken up with boyfriends/girlfriends over the course of their adult lives [/quote]
Thanks @LivBa, I understand why it might look that way, but it's really not the case, but I've realised I failed to explain it very well!

No one who knows me in real life would ever describe me as naive or submissive, quite the opposite.

Don't get me wrong I do think that he's been an utter dick and in many ways he doesn't deserve that I have chosen to stay with him, but I have and it's been a conscious decision. You've hit the nail on the head when you said 'If marriage is what you truly want' - I re-evaluated and it's not.

We've been together for nearly a decade, we are both hurtling towards 50.... yes one or the other of us could choose to escape via the back or the front door for that matter (if Keanu or Tom Hardy / Charlie Hunnam come knocking I am OFF!) but for me it's the day to day relationship that matters most. I have my quirks and it took me years to find someone that I have a huge amount in common with and who loves me as I am.

However, I whilst it might be right for me to stay in this relationship it totally wouldn't have been right for me to stay in the last one and I certainly wouldn't recommend anyone to waste precious child baring years like I did and I really wish that us humans (often men...) weren't so crap with this stuff!