Waited so long for a proposal it's put me off marriage

[sunflower1201]

Been together nearly 7 years, dragged his feet all the way and I was even told I had 'put him off' by trying to talk about it so much. Even I've gone off the idea now, can't face the rejection any more. Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do?

Sorry but after 7 years he doesn't want to marry you or he would have asked.

I'd leave him behind personally. He might be great but he doesn't want to build a life with you, living with his parents is proof of that.

He doesn’t want to marry you

@Notagain20 & @osbertthesyrianhamster I already have kids from a previous relationship, one of whom has very challenging behaviour. He is a really great step dad to both kids but I think he is scared of losing his flat because when my daughter is very intense he has somewhere to escape to (heck even I go and hide out there every now and again )

He is fully aware that if we ever get married we are getting a prenup.

To some extent I have settled and it does suck a bit but equally I am pretty content, he is my best friend and I trust him more than anyone else in my life (although he has driven me bonkers since I got pregnant )
I think he would like the baby to have his sir name, but I would like it to be double barrelled. We probably will end up getting married one day as he has talked at length about adopting my children and they both want to take his sir name. He's just a bit of a wimp. He's been hurt in the past and I guess I am paying the price.

Why do you live with his parents still? He’s not going to marry you and you’re wasting your life with him

@Shoxfordian

Why do you live with his parents still? He’s not going to marry you and you’re wasting your life with him

He says we can't afford to move out. It would be tight but it would be manageable- I've done the sums a lot. We'd have to give up on some lifestyle choices but I'd happily do that and give it all up to live together in our own place. We've had our own place in the past too which makes it feel like I'm just taking a massive step back

Oh ok well I’d say it’s time to move on, which is easy for me to say I know and it will be painful but honestly op more pain is waiting if you stay with someone who doesn’t feel the same, and it happens a lot really, he’s not a terrible person it’s just people change and also become a bit scared to say that they might have changed or know it themselves. I think it sounds like you’re starting to feel less for him too. It will be less painful to move on now and wish each the best than to leave it to get to something painful like one party cheating or a big fallout or a wedding that one of you doesn’t really want that much.

Harsh comments from other posters.. do you think he is maybe waiting until you have moved out of his parents? Do you have any plans to do this within the next year or so? Late 20s is still relatively young!

I've known a few couples who were together for a long time (between 5 and 10 years) and then got married.
They're all now divorced. Some of the marriages didn't last a year.
I think its different if a couple aren't into marriage and happy in a long term relationship without a wedding, thats one thing, but if one or both of you is wanting marriage someday, you know if you've found the person to marry within a year of being together.

He's living under his parents' roof and he hasn't managed to save for a ring?

He's stringing you along OP, don't waste your time on him. Sorry if this sounds sceptical but he sounds like the sort of man who will drag out getting married and having children, then one day he will run off with someone else, get married and have babies straight away.

He's a Peter Pan happy with no responsibilities.

Move out into a house share restore your self esteem.

@Isla2021

Harsh comments from other posters.. do you think he is maybe waiting until you have moved out of his parents? Do you have any plans to do this within the next year or so? Late 20s is still relatively young!

We have talked about but again it's something that keeps getting pushed back and back. We talked about moving out and the end of last year but are still here and he wants to wait now until the end of summer. We are young and this is why I worry I am being unreasonable, but it's something important to me. I don't want to force him into doing something he doesn't which is why I have tried not to push it but I think it's tipped me the other way

You cant waste your life living with parents

Do not marry him then. It's far, far harder to extricate yourself from that further down the line. I don't blame anyone for preferring not to marry. It's my biggest regret.

Cut your losses and move on. I was in a similar position what now seems a lifetime ago. I was in a relationship throughout my 20s with a man who, like you, I would have described as my best friend. Very hard to break up, but so glad I did. Met my wonderful DH who proposed within two years. I have long since lost touch with my ex, but would now unhesitatingly describe my DH as my BF and we have two wonderful kids. When you've been together so long it's almost impossible to imagine breaking up, but if he hasn't made up his mind by now then he never will. Move on - the sooner you do it, the sooner you will meet the real love of your life.

Christ he's put so many obstacles in your path, it's obvious he's happy trundling along living with Mum and Dad being catered for, with minimum cost. You his GF are always there for home comforts. 7 years you've been in limbo.

He doesn't appear to want to change anything my lovely.

I would consider the longer term, children etc.. you don't say what age you are unless Ive missed it, but you may need to consider moving on. 🌸

I was with my DH for 9 years before he proposed - we were only 19 when we met though, so much sooner would have been far too young for us. But the last couple of years I did have to 'encourage' him - he liked the idea of being 'young and fun' and being married didn't tally with that. For me it was always a big indicator of if he'd actually be willing to settle down and have children - I was willing to wait for marriage or even not get married, no way was I willing to be one of those women whose partners always say 'in a year or two' for children, then suddenly you're 40 and can't conceive. Luckily I made the right call as he was very happy to start TTC when I wanted to and we're expecting our first now.

How can he not save up for a ring when you’re saving all that money at his parents? Stop being a passenger in your life

I'd agree with lackluster. It's always been me pushing for changes

Please don’t ignore this. Because if the stars align snd one day he DOES propose, he’s not going to suddenly change into a dynamic, forward-thinking go-getter. He’ll carry on being the same lacklustre person, only this time you’ll be ensuring that over every area of your life. Moving house - he’ll be non-commital. Choosing furniture - he won’t care. Saving up for a holiday - he’ll dance around the subject for ages, then forget about it. Parties - can’t be arsed. Retirement - “it’s such a long way off, we don’t gave to plan for that yet...” Your whole life will drift aimlessly away on a raft of meh.

Please take this as useful information. He’s not someone who commits. He’s not driven. He’s not ambitious. He’s Mr Easy Life.

Would you actually WANT to be legally and financially tied to someone like that forever? Would you want your kids to inherit that gene?

You have put a lot of time and emotional energy into this relationship but you cannot get that time back. Don’t waste more time just because your lives are so entangled. Brilliantly put - absolutely sums it up.

Take a house share for a year, date, might refresh the relationship?

Might kill it though, but something has to change.

Is it the cost that's putting him off? My DH proposed after 3 years but it was 6 years before we got married. He would have married me within a week but even the elopement we ended up having cost a fortune and I insisted that we save up as I'm very debt adverse. The biggest problem was that during the 3 years of saving there were so many times I found reasons to spend the money on something more important. It was never about me not wanting to marry him, it was only about the cost.

At the very least you could move out. There’s no reason you gave to live with his parents. You’d be perfectly within your tights to say you want to spend your 20s living independently. Then find a flat share with a friend. Keep seeing him as your BF if you want to, but don’t let yourself get totally absorbed into his happy-go-lazy, do-nothing life.

Does he smoke dope? He sounds like he does.

You’d be perfectly within your tights

😂 😂

While I love this expression, I meant rights.

You can love someone and still need to leave them because they will never make you happy. This man does not love you the way you need him to.

You wasted enough if your youth on him. It's tragic, honestly.

Honestly him saying 'we're too young' is a red flag. It sounds like he's worried about the commitment, or falling out of love with you and worried about being with you for the rest of his life.

If you both really wanted to get married you'd be married by now. If he's not even up for proposing then he's definitely not up for a wedding and marriage.