Page 4 | Waited so long for a proposal it's put me off marriage

sunflower1201 · 2021-04-19T15:44:55+00:00

Been together nearly 7 years, dragged his feet all the way and I was even told I had 'put him off' by trying to talk about it so much. Even I've gone off the idea now, can't face the rejection any more. Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do?

Original poster

sunflower1201 · 19/04/2021 17:50

@MilduraS

Is it the cost that's putting him off? My DH proposed after 3 years but it was 6 years before we got married. He would have married me within a week but even the elopement we ended up having cost a fortune and I insisted that we save up as I'm very debt adverse. The biggest problem was that during the 3 years of saving there were so many times I found reasons to spend the money on something more important. It was never about me not wanting to marry him, it was only about the cost.

To an extent maybe, but I've said I don't even care about a ring or a big wedding. Maybe years ago but as I've got older I can see that doesn't matter and I have expressed this change in view many times so it's not like he thinks I want this massive grand wedding

OP posts:

DungeonKeeper · 19/04/2021 17:51

Read back all your posts. Do you not see he is full of excuses as to why you can’t do things.

You can’t move out as he thinks you can’t afford it, he wants to wait until summer, he wants to save up for a ring, he doesn’t want kids for a while, you’re too young, he’s waiting for the right moment.

None of these things are true.

He doesn’t want any of them to happen and is fobbing you off with excuses. You are sitting around very passively waiting for things to happen while he dictates how your life is panning out. He just dangles the carrot. Stop being a passenger in your own life and take control!

I think you’re too afraid as you know deep down if you threatened to break up with him it wouldn’t go the way you wanted. Are you going to be back in ten years time still waiting but having realised you’ve wasted your life?

Maybe you are just good as friends?

Ilovemaisie · 19/04/2021 17:51

You don't need to have an engagement ring to be engaged.
You don't need to have a wedding to be married.
You can do the whole thing at a Registar Office for a couple of hundred pounds or less. You need the licence and then you have to wait a couple of weeks and then turn up, say the words, sign the certificate.
Done.
If he doesn't want to do that he doesn't want to be married.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/04/2021 17:52

At some point in the future he will leave. And he will marry whoever he leaves you for.

And you will end up having gave him your most fertile years with no property, no kids and no ring.

Dont give him anything more.

RandomMess · 19/04/2021 17:52

Read up about the sunken cost fallacy.

I think he does like you but you are his "good enough for now".

Moving out and dating again will make it or break it.

HareIsland · 19/04/2021 17:53

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I'll never understand people who give away all their agency and power in a relationship waiting for someone else to provide them what they want in life.

I'd have left years ago. Not interested in marrying someone who doesn't want to marry me.

As for putting off kids for some boyfriend, nope.

Hear hear. These threads are (a) so frequent and (b) so depressing -- apparently intelligent women desperately waiting for a ring for years. Are women still socialised to be so passive about key life choices?

averythinline · 19/04/2021 17:53

why on earth are you putting your life on hold like this? you sound like a rabbit in headlights..life is just passing you by...

find someone who does want to marry you - even llive with you ... you are late 20s and living with his parents - I know lockdown has stimied a lot of living ove rthe past year.... FFS dont let it /him stop you anymore..
your instincts are right.. .you are going backwards... go forward.. .move out to a house share or something .. go for what you want ... learn from this boring year that you never know whats round the corner so you have to make the most of things ....yourself - why are you dependent on crumbs of life from him? maybe get some therapy organised... best of luck you are young and single make the most of it !

DungeonKeeper · 19/04/2021 17:54

You know what you need to do? Move out. Get your own place, without him.

Original poster

sunflower1201 · 19/04/2021 17:56

@DungeonKeeper

Read back all your posts. Do you not see he is full of excuses as to why you can’t do things.

You can’t move out as he thinks you can’t afford it, he wants to wait until summer, he wants to save up for a ring, he doesn’t want kids for a while, you’re too young, he’s waiting for the right moment.

None of these things are true.

He doesn’t want any of them to happen and is fobbing you off with excuses. You are sitting around very passively waiting for things to happen while he dictates how your life is panning out. He just dangles the carrot. Stop being a passenger in your own life and take control!

I think you’re too afraid as you know deep down if you threatened to break up with him it wouldn’t go the way you wanted. Are you going to be back in ten years time still waiting but having realised you’ve wasted your life?

Maybe you are just good as friends?

I did break up with him last year but he promised we would move forward and he would not take me for granted. Since then I have not brought up getting married and he has a few times but what's the point in bringing it up but not doing anything about it?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 19/04/2021 17:57

At some point in the future he will leave. And he will marry whoever he leaves you for.

This is so true, and he will get married very quickly. I've seen it happen countless times.

BluebellsGreenbells · 19/04/2021 17:59

Where are you both with savings?

tisaginthing · 19/04/2021 18:02

To be fair, you have been together since you were very young. So I think the timeframe is a bit different from when you meet in your late 20s/30s. Lots of my friends got with their partners at 20/21 and are only getting engaged now they are financially more secure.
Having said that, I think I would expect a proposal and some enthusiasm by now. I think you can do better OP. You are still young and will find someone who wants to marry you.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/04/2021 18:03

I'd leave and start looking for a life partner instead of a time waster.
The hard fact is he doesn't want to marry you because he thinks he can do better.
It's amazing how many men just like this get married really quickly to the next woman they date. I've seen it time and time again.
Don't waste any more precious years on him.

cisterectomy · 19/04/2021 18:05

My ex put off getting married (he didn't really want to) and I waited, brought a house together, had a child who died, then he died leaving me to sell up to give his family the 50% of our home. Marriage is legal protection.

GrumpyTerrier · 19/04/2021 18:10

OP, being young isn't a reason to put your life on hold--- waiting to move in together, waiting for a proposal etc. Who knows what can happen, not everyone has as long as they hope. Don't delay living in hope things will change. After 7 years you know they aren't going to change and sadly you also know that your partner doesn't priortise you or really care about your wishes and feelings. As nice as he can be, he ignores how you feel if it isn't convenient to him. Don't settle for this.

Cindy87 · 19/04/2021 18:11

I really don't think 7 years is that long if you are only late 20s. I met dh at 22 (he was 24) - we lived with his parents for about 3 years to save for a deposit on a flat. Once we bought our flat he proposed: at that point we'd been together 7 years. Married a year later at 30 (him 32). I remember he said after the event it was hard to propose if I had brought it up recently as he didn't want it to feel like he was proposing because I basically made him - I had to stop bringing it up for a while first! If your relationship is good then put it out of your head and don't mention it for a year. Focus on building your lives, see what happens.

helpmum2003 · 19/04/2021 18:12

I agree with PPs. Leave the relationship, you can do so much better.

DungeonKeeper · 19/04/2021 18:13

I think you’re together out of habit. Maybe for him at least.

I did break up with him last year but he promised we would move forward and he would not take me for granted.

But you haven’t moved forward. It’s just another excuse to add to the others. He doesn’t want anything to change. The only person who can change anything is you.

I’m not saying it’s easy, I had a long term bf between the age of 17-23, in the end we split up as we grew up, and it’s only now I’m with my DH I realise how wrong that relationship was.

MixedUpFiles · 19/04/2021 18:16

I was in that position. I would have happily been the one to propose, but he wanted to be the one to do it. He did eventually propose. We ended up divorced a few years later.

I’ve now been happily married for years and my DH proposed at 6 weeks. I admit that is a bit extreme, but we had unusual circumstances. The main point is that if it’s right, your future spouse will be desperate to marry you. If he is not, then there is a reason for that and you should take that as a big giant warning sign telling you to move on with your life.

miltonj · 19/04/2021 18:17

For all the people saying he's had 7 years to do it so he's not going to/doesn't want to - I think it's very different when you've been together since early twenties because it's unusual to get married at that age! Loads of my friendship group have been together years and years and now is the time when the engagements and wedding are happening (some late twenties, others earlier thirties). It's really quite normal! If he's being evasive about it, and not stating his intentions though, that's when I'd start to question things.

Bythecooker · 19/04/2021 18:17

I can imagine his lack of enthusiasm has rubbed off on you. Who would have enthusiasm to marry someone who hasn't shown enthusiasm to you. If you want children then just be careful you're not still in this situation mid 30s. This happened to me, lovely guy, clearly didn't want to commit to me but I hung on for dear life like a fool, becoming more bitter. Anyway, long story short. Single parent, he never did commit! Still a lovely guy, just a passenger in life type!

Cindersrellie · 19/04/2021 18:20

Yes, I've been in this situation. The relationship limped along for two more years until I ended it. I needed someone who was excited to be with me.

Elieza · 19/04/2021 18:22

He does NOT love you the way you love him.

He does not want to marry YOU.

It could be because he feels you’re ok for company and a shag, but long term he wants someone else to spend his life with. ie he feels he can do better than you. It could be a religious thing or his parents are calling the shots behind the scenes. Who knows.

It’s not financial I don’t think judging by the facts.

You have two choices. Put up and shut up. Or ask him for the last time and when he says no leave him.

Who knows once you have a pad arranged he might realise that he could lose you and realise how much you mean to him. Although he promised to change before and didn’t...

You don’t want to be 40 and still hanging on ‘we’ve been together for x years he must marry me soon’ meanwhile you’re wanting babies and he’s not going to be that guy and your clock is ticking..

WrapUpWarm2021 · 19/04/2021 18:23

My DH and I had a timeline like this. The difference being we were both ready to make it more permanent having been together through our young adulthood.

It just doesn't sound like that joint momentum is there.

Shezlon · 19/04/2021 18:25

Time to move on. It doesn't even need to be a big break up initially, but move out. Living with his parents isn't what you want, he's not willing to move out with you so move out without him.
I saw this so many times with friends in our twenties, women hanging on and hanging on for a proposal which never comes. Take control of your life, you are in the prime of life and when you meet someone who would be DELIGHTED to marry you, you will see how it should be.