Page 5 | Waited so long for a proposal it's put me off marriage

sunflower1201 · 2021-04-19T15:44:55+00:00

Been together nearly 7 years, dragged his feet all the way and I was even told I had 'put him off' by trying to talk about it so much. Even I've gone off the idea now, can't face the rejection any more. Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do?

BlueDahlia69 · 19/04/2021 18:25

I feel heart sorry for you OP .. 🌸

Pepperminttea16 · 19/04/2021 18:26

OP I think pp have been quite harsh.

I am in a similar situation with you, been with my boyfriend 5 1/2 years, known him almost 10. We are currently renting and in the process of buying somewhere, he is finishing up a PHD. We both agree that now is not the time for a proposal (I wouldn’t want a proposal when I couldn’t celebrate with people properly anyway). He is not that fussed about marriage but I have told him it is important to me and he has promised to propose in the future once things are more settled.

I say this because I can understand why your bf might not want to think about marriage and kids just yet as you are living at his parents. Marriage is not the priority, the priority is getting set up on your own. Getting married or having a baby now would not make sense.

You don’t say if you are looking to buy somewhere together or rent but I think that makes a difference. Buying somewhere together carries a lot of commitment.

I think you need to sit him down and explain to him, as I did to my bf, I love you but this is important to me, I need to you meet this need or I will need to consider our future together. Set deadlines for making progress in your relationship but start with a plan to move out of his parents.

fib11235 · 19/04/2021 18:26

I dated and then married one of these procastinators! ...6 years I waited then gave him the ultimatum. He brought a ring and did the worlds shitest proprosal but 7 months later we were married in a small Covid secure wedding of 15 (1 month before my 40th). Now I’m 6 months pregnant post ivf but he’s refused to come to any scans or antenatal classes as does not feel ready/hasn’t got his head round it yet? He’s 50 next month and a complete man-child.
I realise he ultimately proposed because he didn’t want to lose me and I was clear with him that marriage would need to include children and soon or he shouldn’t bother proposing. I don’t regret pushing when I did because if I’d waited, it never would have come from him but if it does all go wrong and he can’t get on board with being a father then I’ll still have had the wedding and child I wanted and know that we tried everything to stay together. However, if I’d have been 10 years younger, in hindsight, I’m sorry to say I would have walked.
Why not have the chat and explain to him how important to you being settled by 30 is and although you’re not trying to pressure him, you need to know that if a proposal is coming then it needs to come before your 30th. This then gives him an extended time to sort out a house and a ring without actually a date being mentioned.

Original poster

sunflower1201 · 19/04/2021 18:30

@Pepperminttea16

OP I think pp have been quite harsh.

I am in a similar situation with you, been with my boyfriend 5 1/2 years, known him almost 10. We are currently renting and in the process of buying somewhere, he is finishing up a PHD. We both agree that now is not the time for a proposal (I wouldn’t want a proposal when I couldn’t celebrate with people properly anyway). He is not that fussed about marriage but I have told him it is important to me and he has promised to propose in the future once things are more settled.

I say this because I can understand why your bf might not want to think about marriage and kids just yet as you are living at his parents. Marriage is not the priority, the priority is getting set up on your own. Getting married or having a baby now would not make sense.

You don’t say if you are looking to buy somewhere together or rent but I think that makes a difference. Buying somewhere together carries a lot of commitment.

I think you need to sit him down and explain to him, as I did to my bf, I love you but this is important to me, I need to you meet this need or I will need to consider our future together. Set deadlines for making progress in your relationship but start with a plan to move out of his parents.

I understand your point but as you said you both agree that it is not the time for a proposal. We have no massive restrictions that mean it is not the right time in life.

We are only looking to rent so not entering that commitment. I have sat down, explained, cried so many times over it and by the end I feel like I'm being ridiculous. I just want something, a ring, buying a house, just something to make it feel like he's commited to me

OP posts:

CaveMum · 19/04/2021 18:30

Surely you both have a large lump sum of savings by now if you’ve been living with his parents? Time to take some action - start looking for a place of your own (either together or by yourself). You can’t keep living like this, drifting aimlessly.

It’s all well and good saying you’re in your late-20s and there’s no hurry, but you are wasting the best years of your life stuck in limbo. What if this drags on for another 5 years, or 10?

Helloandhappyday · 19/04/2021 18:34

This was me a few years ago too. I even proposed to him and he was always "soon"... until we were about to go on holiday one day and he didn't pack. And then the morning of the holiday told me he decided to break up instead of going on holiday. 😥 I had to take my packed holiday bags and move out instead.
And I had previously posted a similar thread to you and unfortunately ignored all the good MN advice and stayed with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2021 18:35

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

This is surely not what you envisaged, let alone what you want, for your own self. Free yourself from Mr Wrong here before he takes away any more of your life. Do not get bogged down in sunk costs. I would also state that jointly buying a house with him would be showing you not much level of commitment either. He is happy to coast and you’ve been the passenger. What happened to you to make you become a passenger in your own life?

HollowTalk · 19/04/2021 18:36

How come you don't have more money (both of you) if you're living with his parents?

You have spent virtually all of your twenties with this man, who lives like a teenager at his parents' home and won't commit to anything with you. Why would you even want to marry someone like this?

There's a whole world out there. Take a step outdoors and see how different your life could be without him.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 19/04/2021 18:36

We are only looking to rent so not entering that commitment. I have sat down, explained, cried so many times over it and by the end I feel like I'm being ridiculous. I just want something, a ring, buying a house, just something to make it feel like he's commited to me

He isn't! That's it. You're over there humiliating yourself and it's totally pointless because he is not committed to you the way you need, will not be, doesn't want to be so so much for him being 'wonderful' and 'my best friend'. That's all he is, a friend you live with at his parents' house. Not even worth getting a tenancy agreement with.

Is this what you feel you deserve in life? Wasting time with a person who may love you but it definitely not in love with you?

How depressing! This is the one time in your life when you're in the driving seat, but you've given up the wheel to someone who's just not the one for you.

What will it take for you to wake up to this? And yes, the sunken cost fallacy is alive and well here.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2021 18:37

This man is only committed to his own self, not you. You are really his she will do for now woman. If you really do want marriage and or children this individual is not the one.

Pepperminttea16 · 19/04/2021 18:38

@CaveMum

Surely you both have a large lump sum of savings by now if you’ve been living with his parents? Time to take some action - start looking for a place of your own (either together or by yourself). You can’t keep living like this, drifting aimlessly.

It’s all well and good saying you’re in your late-20s and there’s no hurry, but you are wasting the best years of your life stuck in limbo. What if this drags on for another 5 years, or 10?

I think you do though. The fact you are living at his parents the restriction on the proposal - that needs to be sorted first. I would find it very odd if people I knew got engaged and then married while they still hadn’t sorted a place to live.

Why don’t you bring up moving out again rather than marriage and see how that goes? If he is not willing to even rent somewhere with you then I’m sorry I might have to agree with pp that he is not the one.

seven201 · 19/04/2021 18:39

I gave my now dh an ultimatum and now we're happily married. I had to push him into all the big things - moving out of his parents to flat share with another couple (his friend), buying a flat, getting married, moving house, having a baby. He was glad after each one of those events but would still be living with his mum and dad if he weren't with me. I'm sure some people think that is a very unattractive quality in a partner, and whilst it irks me a bit, it's not a big problem for me. We're very happy together and have survived a lot of shit together (bereavement, illness, secondary infertility/endless ivf). I'm just saying this as a lot of the replies are very negative (and understandably so). Have an honest chat with him.

When I gave the marriage ultimatum it wasn't until I said "pack a bag and go then" that he did agree to marry me! Not very romantic but my mum was dying and the way I saw it was if he couldn't marry me so I could have my mum there, then he wasn't worth keeping. We'd been together 8 years I think then. He did enjoy the wedding day, but was very nervous in the lead up!

Original poster

sunflower1201 · 19/04/2021 18:40

@Helloandhappyday

This was me a few years ago too. I even proposed to him and he was always "soon"... until we were about to go on holiday one day and he didn't pack. And then the morning of the holiday told me he decided to break up instead of going on holiday. 😥 I had to take my packed holiday bags and move out instead. And I had previously posted a similar thread to you and unfortunately ignored all the good MN advice and stayed with him.

That's awful behaviour and I'm so sorry you went through that

OP posts:

MintyMabel · 19/04/2021 18:41

He doesn't want to marry you.

My husband took 6 years to propose. I’m fairly sure now we’re 20 years together, he did actually want to marry me.

CorianderBee · 19/04/2021 18:43

Just tell him. You're pregnant and you want to get married. If he's not willing to then it's showing you he doesn't love you. Say you'd like to be engaged within a year.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/04/2021 18:45

@sunflower1201

I don't know if I'm a lot of the problem, I feel embarrassed a lot of the time that we are still bf and gf when a lot of my friends are married by now and have been with their partners for less time. He said I'm more worried about what other people are doing or what you should do by the time you're 30 etc and maybe I am. I just knew so quickly that I wanted to marry him and I feel sad that he still seems unsure

Have only read your posts sunflower120, but I'm sure others must have pointed this out already.

"he still seems unsure" - nobody is unsure after seven years. Nobody. He is sure he doesn't want to marry you. He likes his life just as it is. Staying in his parents home, no responsibilities, "lifestyle choices" that he couldn't afford if you two had your own place, and sex on tap from a girlfriend who accepts all his rubbish reasons why nothing should change.

You've wasted your twenties on him. Will you waste your thirties? Will you put off the decision on having children until it's no longer your choice, nature has made it for you? How long, sunflower120?How long are you willing to be strung along by him?

CorianderBee · 19/04/2021 18:46

although I disagree with the if he hasn't proposed in 7 years he won't' thing - plenty of people have long relationships, I'm almost 8 years in mine and not up for marriage yet. I'd say it's more about you making it clear you want to and him still not proposing or caring about it.

EscapeDragon · 19/04/2021 18:47

For just how long is he expecting you both to live with his parents - it can't be indefinitely, surely?

He must have some time-scale in mind. Either that or he is sticking his head in the sand.

Pepperminttea16 · 19/04/2021 18:48

My mum’s brother married his wife after living together 25 years...just to be sure she was the one

Annasgirl · 19/04/2021 18:49

Oh OP, he does not want to marry you.

Please, if you were my sister or daughter I would say this to you - leave now. You are so young you can find someone else and make a life with marriage and children.

My best friend was you - she spent her 20’s with a man child - they split. He married someone within 2 years.

I spent 3 years in my 30’s with a man like this who was too young to settle down. He was engaged within 8 weeks to his next girlfriend

It is often said on here, but we are all speaking from experience,

SelkieIntegrated · 19/04/2021 18:50

Dont blame you. Value yourself and start again.

HeddaGarbled · 19/04/2021 18:50

I think you need to take independent action and start looking for a rental for yourself.

Dozer · 19/04/2021 18:51

You’ve been clear with him what you’d like, many times, and that you’re unhappy with the current set up. His behaviour and what he’s said, over a long period of time, has made clear that he doesn’t share those wishes or feelings.

‘Not that into you’. He loves you enough to live with and spend time with you, but not enough to live alone with or marry you, or consider your needs and wishes much.

Sounds like it was a mistake getting back together with him. Would move out, and end the relationship and all contact.

If you stay, by far the most likely outcome is a break up later, and you’d have wasted time at an age when, if you want biological DC, you’d be much, much better off enjoying being single and then seeking a relationship with someone who wants the things you do, with you.

Original poster

sunflower1201 · 19/04/2021 18:55

@Annasgirl

Oh OP, he does not want to marry you.

Please, if you were my sister or daughter I would say this to you - leave now. You are so young you can find someone else and make a life with marriage and children.

My best friend was you - she spent her 20’s with a man child - they split. He married someone within 2 years.

I spent 3 years in my 30’s with a man like this who was too young to settle down. He was engaged within 8 weeks to his next girlfriend

It is often said on here, but we are all speaking from experience,

I think it confuses me more that my family and friends don't make comment over it or question it which makes me feel ridiculous. The couple of times I spoke to my mum about it I felt like I was being unreasonable to be hurt over it. My family also adore him and he makes a lot of effort with them. That's why I don't understand the struggle to commit, our lives are so intertwined and we have been through a lot and got out the other side. I don't see what more we could go through to see if we are compatible enough to marry

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 19/04/2021 18:59

@WrapUpWarm2021

My DH and I had a timeline like this. The difference being we were both ready to make it more permanent having been together through our young adulthood.

It just doesn't sound like that joint momentum is there.

This is the same with us, we got together at 19 and didn't consider engagement when studying (he was a student for a long time) and then had a few years saving for a house and our future wedding but we were on the same page and had our own place fairly early in the timeline.

You have to be wanting the same thing and it doesn't sound like you do.