Waited so long for a proposal it's put me off marriage

[sunflower1201]

Been together nearly 7 years, dragged his feet all the way and I was even told I had 'put him off' by trying to talk about it so much. Even I've gone off the idea now, can't face the rejection any more. Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do?

Also I don't know if the past year has just really messed with my head. I don't live near my family or friends so haven't seen them since last year. I've felt incredibly lonely and my mental health has really suffered after I had previously made a lot of progress with it. However, I did feel like this before the pandemic so I can't place blame on that. Just wonder if it's amplifying my feelings.

Being perfectly honest, this sounds like a bit of a friends with benefits on his side rather than a committed relationship.

Op don’t analyse him and his behaviours and what they mean in regards to what he might want. What do you want? It’s your short life. I’m not saying make a decision about him lightly but this is your life where you are waiting around for his decision or some sign of passion. That’s all you can do.

Trust your feelings OP 🌸

This is not your forever relationship. Leave now and you have a better chance of finding someone great. You start again but if you are 29. Say you spend a year single another 2 years getting to know mr right another year to plan a wedding. You can be trying for a baby by 33, a lovely age to start having children and you've got approx 3 to 5 years of slippage in that plan before you have to start worrying about declining fertility.

Hang around with this guy for another 2 years and then suddenly the plan looks more desperate.

Also as you head into your 30s more guys start settling down so slimmer pickings! Leave now and you can meet a guy on his way out of his equivalent 'good enough for my 20s but now I want to settle down' relationship. Also Mr "never really had a ltr and now I need to settle down" (more and more of these guys going into your 30s).

You dont sound like you love each other enough or want the same things. It doesn't actually have to be this hard. There are late 20s guys, decent guys who actually want marriage and kids and who won't make you feel second rate!

OP, in the nicest possible way you are making excuses for his behaviour, you can’t change his behaviour but you can change yours. You are obviously not happy with the situation so you need to make a choice - stick with it in the hope things might change (in the face of all contrary evidence) or move out and make a new life for yourself.

He’s got a real cushy number right now - living at mum and dad’s in a house he could never afford himself, no doubt paying very little towards rent/household expenses and sex on tap with you. Why would he want to change the status quo when he has everything HE wants? The question is do you have what YOU want? Sounds like a resounding no to me.

@Aquamarine1029

At some point in the future he will leave. And he will marry whoever he leaves you for.

This is so true, and he will get married very quickly. I've seen it happen countless times.

Why does that happen? I've seen it too

OP do you earn enough to rent a place yourself? Either a flat or a room in a house share?

You striking out on your own may give him the kick up the arse to realise that he doesn't want to lose you and at the same time it may give you the confidence to finish it if he doesn't!

He's a nice guy. Everyone likes him because he's a nice guy. But he is too nice to tell you he doesn't want to marry you because he knows he will break your heart and everyone will be furious with him for stringing you along for so long.

I am much older than you. I have known several men like this who were all very nice guys. But they all married someone else sooner or later.

He's a coward and is more concerned about his reputation than pissing away your fertility.

Take control - get in the driving seat and shove him out of the passenger door. If you want kids, you cannot piss about with this guy any longer.

If you are late twenties now and have been together for 7 years ,you were quite young when you met .Its possible to change a lot over this time and he may have been wary of settling down too soon .Think about what you want .You are still very young and maybe feel nervous about meeting someone new.Maybe have a bit of a break ? Go abroad with friends when we are allowed to or even in this country .He is obviously not keen on commitment ,but maybe he feels the same (would like to be able to be independent .TBH many RL are like this ,and many marry rather than doing what they really want to do IFYSIM.

@Isolatedizzy

OP do you earn enough to rent a place yourself? Either a flat or a room in a house share?

You striking out on your own may give him the kick up the arse to realise that he doesn't want to lose you and at the same time it may give you the confidence to finish it if he doesn't!

I earn enough to get a room in a house share, I just worried that moving out and but remaining together will kill our relationship

@sunflower1201

Also I don't know if the past year has just really messed with my head. I don't live near my family or friends so haven't seen them since last year. I've felt incredibly lonely and my mental health has really suffered after I had previously made a lot of progress with it. However, I did feel like this before the pandemic so I can't place blame on that. Just wonder if it's amplifying my feelings.

It's just making clear the truth: you're not compatible. This is not a forever relationship. You only get one life to live. If you read the regrets thread the no. 1 is having wasted time with unsuitable men.

I agree. We were together 10 years, he didn’t want to marry me - or live together (he was happy sleeping in my house, eating my food and using my electric)

When we split - my decision because I needed to find someone in the same page with marriage and kids, he met and married someone else and had a child within the year.

He’ll do the same.

Don't sacrifice what you want for a person who doesn't deserve it, who isn't worth it.

I've been engaged three times. None of them wanted to get married to me really. Then dh proposed and he really wanted to marry me and so we did. He wanted to wait until he had qualified to propose so I get the wanting to wait for a reason but no man who wants to marry you gets pisses off because you have mentioned marriage. I was actually moaning about a very closely related topic when he started talking over me and proposed. He didn't let him put it off.

Don't have a baby thinking he'll marry you some day. Men happily walk away from their baby while holding on very tightly to their worldly goods. Think about it. They value money more than anything. They won't marry as you might take it all but don't care as much about leaving a baby in their wake.

Be honest with yourself. Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself you don't want marriage. He's conditioned you. I get it. I'd say I'd rather live with ex without marriage than not have him at all. I knew I was trying to convince myself. He wasn't worth sacrificing my life plans for.

Are you happy with this life?

Ladies who ended up ending their relationship, how did he react? Because when I have talked about ending the relationship in the past he has been genuinely upset. I have known him long enough to know that he was genuinely hurt and devastated at the thought which makes it more confusing. I don't feel like it was a fake reaction

I think some of this is a bit harsh. He might meet someone else and marry them but he might not, he might be scared of commitment and never leave his parents. It is not you, could just be he is not the committing type. But if you want that you should take control of your own destiny because it sounds like this is really affecting your self esteem. Be confident. You need to take some chances to find yourself, take a risk, move out, it might make him take stock or make you see he is not your only chance in life.

“I earn enough to get a room in a house share, I just worried that moving out and but remaining together will kill our relationship”

If it kills your relationship, then that will be because your relationship was meant to end. On the other hand, it could be just the kick up the arse he needs. Particularly if you want kids, don’t be one of those women who wastes her fertile years on an empty promise only to be left alone and childless in your 40s. It happens. And there’s no need for it in this day and age when women can earn their own living and can (and indeed should) be financially independent.

I wish I had ended mine when I was at the stage you are at now! I knew it wasn’t right. He eventually left me for a woman he worked with in a very cruel way as well.

You need to google the sunken cost fallacy.

Stop listening to his excuses and look at his actions. He isn’t going to marry you, or move out.

Your relationship hasn’t moved on at all, you are both still living as if you’re students/early 20s.

Get a house share, go and have some fun. Make some friends! Stop relying on him for your happiness, you’re going to end up really disappointed and with many regrets.

@Bythecooker

I think some of this is a bit harsh. He might meet someone else and marry them but he might not, he might be scared of commitment and never leave his parents. It is not you, could just be he is not the committing type. But if you want that you should take control of your own destiny because it sounds like this is really affecting your self esteem. Be confident. You need to take some chances to find yourself, take a risk, move out, it might make him take stock or make you see he is not your only chance in life.

Thank you, yes my self esteem is pretty dismal. I got very drunk a few weeks ago and he said all I did was talk about how worthless I was and how he could do so much better than me. Pretty mortified the next day as I don't remember at all but it's the truth. I genuinely feel like there must be something wrong with me that's not worth marrying and i know that's on me, he always tells me he loves me.

Imagine he reluctantly proposed tomorrow, how long do you think it would be before you actually got married? I'd wager he'd have a ready made list of entirely reasonable sounding excuses to postpone for years.

He wants you to move out to your own rental, he wants to save up and buy a property before you start looking at venues, the venues you look at are fully booked for x long. Unless he is 100% enthusiastic about marrying you, you will feel like you are pushing a stone up hill the whole time. What is that going to do to your self esteem? Don't you want to be in a relationship where your partner is as excited for the next step as you are?

Of course he's sorry and upset when you want to end it. He has all he wants without giving anything away.

Wow your latest post, he sounds a bit horrible!

OP - please listen to your gut. He’s just not that into you. It’s harsh to hear, but his actions and words seem clear.

My husband finally proposed after 6.5 years together. We were a similar age to you. We had owned a house for a few years at that point. I was very keen to get engaged, but he avoided the subject. I even bought a load of wedding magazines “to help with the planning” when my 2 younger sisters got engaged 🙈

Eventually my H proposed. I was delighted, our families were happy too. I mentioned potential dates and possible venues to consider...he then refused to make any wedding plans 😂 It’s actually laughable now. He 100% didn’t want to make any wedding plans. 5 months later he broke up with me and broke my heart. I moved away on a work project, was getting settled into a new life there and considering staying on in a permanent capacity (I was still talking to him through this period). He obviously realised that this would be final point of no return, so he decided to visit and we somehow got back together. So then we were back in our house and I was back wearing my engagement ring, but he still wouldn’t make wedding plans.

Eventually 2 years later I managed to convince him to agree to wedding plans. He didn’t engage in the process at all and my DDad paid for everything for my dream wedding. The only thing H arranged was rental suits for himself and groomsmen (at the very last minute). He also arranged an expensive, quite rubbish honeymoon.

We’re now 15 years into our marriage. It isn’t a particularly happy one. We aren’t well suited. I adore our DC, but I know in my heart that I never should have reconciled with H. If he’d wanted to marry me, he would have made me feel like the most amazing treasure.

A few years after our wedding, I saw the total opposite behaviour from BIL (H’s brother). BIL was so happy, excited and enthusiastic about getting engaged and getting married. I wish I had experienced that as a fiancé.