Page 9 | Waited so long for a proposal it's put me off marriage

sunflower1201 · 2021-04-19T15:44:55+00:00

Been together nearly 7 years, dragged his feet all the way and I was even told I had 'put him off' by trying to talk about it so much. Even I've gone off the idea now, can't face the rejection any more. Has anyone else been in this situation and what did you do?

KM38 · 20/04/2021 04:00

DP proposed to me after 10 years together. BUT...him and I were very much on the same page about marriage/children/life goals etc from the beginning.
I came from a family where my parents never married and he came from parents who had a messy divorce. DP and I both agreed that we weren’t overly fussy about marriage while it was just the 2 of us - we knew we were both committed and financially equal in the relationship but, that we would 100% want to be married when we had children in the future for the sake of everyone’s security. No big wedding etc, just us and a couple of witnesses at a registry office.

He proposed as soon as we started trying for children thinking we could be married within a couple of months, hopefully pregnant within 6m-1y. As it turned out, I got pregnant literally first try 😅😂 got the positive test then the country went into lockdown 3 weeks later 🙈 and I was ill most of my pregnancy 🤢 so getting married was the last thing I could think about! So we now have DS who is 5m old but we will be married before the end of this year.

@sunflower1201 My honest advice would be that if you’re not even on the same page about things when it comes to what you want then leave and find someone who does share the things that you want!

AnotherBoredOne · 20/04/2021 04:01

I was you, I waited twenty years and it only came with a terminal illness diagnosis.
Please live your life together happy unmarried.
Or leave and find someone who will marry you.
It makes me so sad I never got the wedding, it could have big small, private, overseas, I didn't care, I just wanted him to want to marry me.

lightlypoached · 20/04/2021 04:06

The whole notion of waiting for a man to propose is frankly, ridiculously outdated. It suggests that he has the power to decide if, and when and that's terribly unequal, and a dysfunctional way to run a relationship. Romantic gestures of him down on one knee are all very lovely, but surely should be a fun formality based on you both knowing that you'll say yes.
if he's proposed to others in the past and the relationships ended, he may well be stung, cautious and not wanting to make a fool of himself (imagine how dented his confidence is - what if you say no???, or say yes then you split up?). I'd be talking to him about that and how he feels security wise with you, rather than focusing on the proposal itself.

Marriage should be a mutual commitment, based on love, and wanting to be together forever.

If he doesn't want to talk about that type of commitment , and it's important to you then you may have a bigger problem of him not wanting to commit at all, whether you are married or not?

RantyAnty · 20/04/2021 04:52

Cut your losses.

You haven't mentioned what other things you have going on in your life.

Have you gotten the education and the career you've wanted?

Have you travelled and had fun with friends?

Ineedaduvetday · 20/04/2021 05:37

I genuinely feel like there must be something wrong with me that's not worth marrying and i know that's on me, he always tells me he loves me.

There's nothing 'wrong' with you at all Sometimes things don't work out the way we want in a relationship.

I think you need to stop focusing on him and start thinking about what it is you want to achieve from your life. House, children, career? What is it you want? Once you know, go and get it. At the moment he's holding you back. You're passively waiting for a man who has no intention of marriage but likes his cushy set living at home for cheap and having sex on tap with you and no responsibility. You deserve much better

helenoftroystonvasey · 20/04/2021 06:37

Girl, cut him loose and have fun! Do something dynamic. Enjoy your career and travel, when you can! Stop putting your energy into a
Man and expecting a man to fulfil your life.

Why are you living with his parents? Get out of there. There's a life to be had. He sounds dull

NatalieH2220 · 20/04/2021 06:51

It sounds like this is very important to you and so I think you need to have a conversation with him, a serious one to find out what he really wants and what's holding him back.

I was with my now husband for seven years before we got married, there was no big proposal we both just sort of agreed to do it but I was perfectly happy with that. It wasn't something we spoke about at all until the year before we decided to get married.

CovidCorvid · 20/04/2021 07:01

like he says he can't wait to have kids with me but not for a while. This is ok with me as I'm focused on other things and am not ready

When you are ready for kids the chances are he won’t be.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/04/2021 07:25

Move out. Continue to date him if you want but I really think in 6 -12 months you’ll have realised how much better your life is without him.
Does he show you that he loves you?? Because guess what I love you - see how easy that was. It took me 5 seconds and no effort. Someone who really really loves you will show you that they do not just say it.

Move out and find happiness

DungeonKeeper · 20/04/2021 08:10

I feel like you have no independence or confidence and rely solely on him for your happiness.

Original poster

sunflower1201 · 20/04/2021 08:12

@RantyAnty

Cut your losses.

You haven't mentioned what other things you have going on in your life.

Have you gotten the education and the career you've wanted?

Have you travelled and had fun with friends?

I have a master's degree, have studied abroad, worked in Europe, have a decent job and lots of lovely friends. I would be totally fine by myself, if just makes me sad because really I just wanted him at the end of the day.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 20/04/2021 08:52

It’s Spring and we’re coming out of lockdown. This is a time for new beginnings. Make plans for the life you want. It’s his choice whether he comes along with you or not.

KM38 · 20/04/2021 09:18

@HeddaGarbled

It’s Spring and we’re coming out of lockdown. This is a time for new beginnings. Make plans for the life you want. It’s his choice whether he comes along with you or not.

Completely agree with this. Take charge of your situation.

Also, as @CovidCorvid said - the chances are when you’re ready for kids, he won’t be.
Don’t give him that power over your life. Unfortunately as a woman we have this clock ticking over us if we want children. You’re young, you’re happy in your career, you have lovely friends - so get out now, live your best life and find someone who will help you complete the “family” part of your life when the time is right. He’s not going to do it!

Quartz2208 · 20/04/2021 09:38

I think you wanted a version of him that doesnt exist - or certainly wont exist if you remain in this status quo.

I think you need to move out and find your way. It maybe that causes him to find his way to you by being proactive or it wont.

Kat6901 · 20/04/2021 09:40

Slightly rude when people jump to the assumption she has no passions or life. It’s pretty devastating when you come to the realisation that the person you envisioned a future with is with you because it’s easy/no drive to do the right thing and end it etc. Op I’d say have one last chat with him and also think about moving out into a nice flat share to think clearly, it must be hard to think clearly about it living with his parents and all that. You don’t have to do everything at once, just look at some places online, get the idea rolling in your head. You don’t sound happy with him either so it will hurt at first but long term you will look back and realise it wasn’t right and you will feel free and happy. There is a bit of a process to go through though and it is hard even if you are the one to end it.

unfortunateevents · 20/04/2021 09:52

What is this nonsense about not being able to move out or afford to get married? Presumably he works, you have a Master's degree and a decent job, what are you waiting for? Look around at your friends whom you are envious of because you see them getting married and having kids - are they significantly better off than you? I bet they aren't, they're just getting on with life while you are stuck in the trap of waiting for it to be "perfect". How much do you/he need to have saved in order to get on with life? Is there an actual figure on it or just some vague notion of "more"? How much do you actually have in savings now - how far away from being able to get on with life? Next year, 3 years, never?

Viviennemary · 20/04/2021 09:54

Seven years isn't that long these days. Especially for younger folk. It all depends on your circumstances.

Original poster

sunflower1201 · 20/04/2021 09:55

@Kat6901

Slightly rude when people jump to the assumption she has no passions or life. It’s pretty devastating when you come to the realisation that the person you envisioned a future with is with you because it’s easy/no drive to do the right thing and end it etc. Op I’d say have one last chat with him and also think about moving out into a nice flat share to think clearly, it must be hard to think clearly about it living with his parents and all that. You don’t have to do everything at once, just look at some places online, get the idea rolling in your head. You don’t sound happy with him either so it will hurt at first but long term you will look back and realise it wasn’t right and you will feel free and happy. There is a bit of a process to go through though and it is hard even if you are the one to end it.

Thank you, I've always tried to make any relationships a great addition to my life but never my sole purpose. I do think over time I have neglected parts of myself but I think that's natural in a relationship. I did think we had become very codependent at the start of our relationship and so since then made a big effort to find my own interests, holiday with friends etc. It is hard to think clearly, I don't want to upset or offend his family as they are lovely and have supported me a lot too and then when I speak to my family about it they love him so much they think I should be satisfied to wait and it's almost like I'm making a fuss over nothing. I feel totally alone in my own thoughts, I've never been comfortable talking about my relationship as I do believe there are two sides to every story and I don't want to bad mouth him but now I feel so alone

OP posts:

GrumpyHoonMain · 20/04/2021 09:55

Many men do this in their 20s to a woman and then break up with her and get married to someone else within months. I think the writing’s on the wall with this relationship - if you do want a chance to marry you have to leave him while you’re still young.

ostrom · 20/04/2021 10:00

I also agree with @Kat6091. Don’t rush, it’s a hard process. I have been there, I waited a long time for the proposal and to buy a house. We were together from our early 20s and went through some pretty challenging stuff together and seemed a good team. But there was always a reason not to marry, not to buy a house. He proposed eventually but with no excitement or enthusiasm (we had the bare minimum wedding, I wanted the commitment not the dress) but I felt it had been me pushing for it for so long I was drained by it. I left after 10 years together but 2 years of marriage. It was truly hard but it was the right thing to do. I did as @Kat6901 started slow just to get used to the idea of a flat share et in my head and rationalise with myself. I also did bring all this up with my now ex that this is how I felt and what o wanted to happen. Nothing began to change until I packed my bags but it was all a bit late then for me. The best advice I was given was picture yourself in 10 years, what would you like and do you see him there? Not as the person you wish he could be but who he actually is. We can’t change people. Really think about it, I know it’s hard x

Dontbeme · 20/04/2021 10:24

It is hard to think clearly, I don't want to upset or offend his family as they are lovely and have supported me a lot too and then when I speak to my family about it they love him so much they think I should be satisfied to wait and it's almost like I'm making a fuss over nothing

But what about what you want and need? Why do he, his family and your family come before what you want in your life? I think you should see a counsellor OP to help you figure this out. You say you feel alone, well because you are alone. Living in his parents home, what support do you have? What happens if you argue, his family will support him surely, maybe you feel you can't argue as it would be "ungrateful" after all his family allow you to live in their home. He has you backed into a corner, you will never progress with this man as he is happy as he is and seems not too bothered if you are unhappy, everyone is telling you to be happy and grateful for something you don't really want. You don't have to accept this, you can make different choices, they are just scary to you right now. Seriously speak to someone to unpick this dynamic of you floating along with someone else's choices at the expense of your own life.

Kat6901 · 20/04/2021 10:39

Yes agree with poster above, are you like me a bit if a people pleaser? You’re not going to upset his family, they might miss you but they will understand, it’s not as if you are saying anything terrible about him just that you are no longer a good fit. It’ll be ok op.

Kat6901 · 20/04/2021 10:40

Also op people will think highly of you if anything! Lots of people leave it until the relationship is breaking down or leave for someone else, you are having a good think and are actually thinking about the best thing for both of you. Think of it that way.

Original poster

sunflower1201 · 20/04/2021 10:43

@Kat6901

Yes agree with poster above, are you like me a bit if a people pleaser? You’re not going to upset his family, they might miss you but they will understand, it’s not as if you are saying anything terrible about him just that you are no longer a good fit. It’ll be ok op.

I am a massive people pleaser, I've had a lot of counseling in the past to try and deal with this as well as issues in my childhood. I can see the situation so objectively, it feels like I'm having an outer body experience half the time, I know I'm not dealing with the situation well yet I can't stop. Thank you, your messages have been really kind and helpful

OP posts:

Kat6901 · 20/04/2021 10:50

I’m quite similar, I had to start off small when it came to people pleasing as I realised sometimes I was even making myself ill as I would never say no and take on too much and put everyone above me. Other people aren’t even as bothered as me, when you realise they don’t care if you say no or do the right thing for you (and if they do they are likely a little toxic or selfish anyway) it is quite freeing. It’s hard to undo and it is hard if it stems from issues in childhood, mine did too as I had a quite traumatic childhood where I was always worrying about other people’s moods.