Dating Thread 202: Here's hoping the lockdown loneliness and longing eases up soon...

[SpringlikeBunk]

Come ye all!

helloooo!

Current romantic status for weekend check-in:

Slaggy military types who plead love then refuse to meet unless they can come round to mine with 40 min notice: one

Potential nice date who is my dream man on paper but not sure as haven't met yet: one

Potential nice second date but seems to be have disappeared into NHS night shift vortex: one

Ex who is offshore and who has sent some beautiful art prints which are hanging on my wall who might want to hang out over the summer: one

Not sure if I should get back on the apps with this woeful crew of merry men, or maybe wait till lockdown eases completely

xx

Thanks for the new thread spring - just marking my place while I wonder how irons, who you have definitely not swiped right on, can still message you on Tinder. I thought the point of not paying was that you would avoid unwanted attention 😐

Thanks for the new thread...maybe I will have an iron by the end of this one 😁

I asked over there but I'll ask again here 😊 ... please ladies, what's a cocklodger?

Thanks!

Checking in

@BelladiMamma they kinda move themselves in but only offer sex. Tend to home in on women with their shit together!

@BelladiMamma

A cocklodger is someone who wants to live with a woman, not out of true love, but as his living situation is chaotic or he doesn't want to pay for his own place

so he wants to get unlimited access her stable home environment so she can look after him. "Cock for lodging". Turn up with a cheap bottle of wine on Tuesday and leave at the weekend.

Of course in dating it's nice to host and have home dates

And a lot of people are financially struggling, and dating shouldn't be based on finances - for the man or the woman.

but there's a balance between that and someone just wanting to access your home desperately when it suits them.

A common thing in early dating is "cocklodger lite" - someone who wants to only "date" based on being able to come to yours for sex and hang-out at the last minute.

It's not about love or passion, it's using your home as a hang-out zone.

He may tell you he really loves you.

but If you tell him you've decided to save for a Masters degree to progress your career, and are living with your parents now but as he really loves you and you himhe can still date you but you can't "host", you won't see him for dust.

Checking in 😀

Checking in.

Hi everyone!

Cheers for the new thread @Spring

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

A cocklodger is someone who wants to live with a woman, not out of true love, but as his living situation is chaotic or he doesn't want to pay for his own place

so he wants to get unlimited access her stable home environment so she can look after him. "Cock for lodging". Turn up with a cheap bottle of wine on Tuesday and leave at the weekend.

Of course in dating it's nice to host and have home dates

And a lot of people are financially struggling, and dating shouldn't be based on finances - for the man or the woman.

but there's a balance between that and someone just wanting to access your home desperately when it suits them.

A common thing in early dating is "cocklodger lite" - someone who wants to only "date" based on being able to come to yours for sex and hang-out at the last minute.

It's not about love or passion, it's using your home as a hang-out zone.

He may tell you he really loves you.

but If you tell him you've decided to save for a Masters degree to progress your career, and are living with your parents now but as he really loves you and you himhe can still date you but you can't "host", you won't see him for dust.[/quote]
Oh my god why wasn't I on this thread a year ago????

Jeez. Ok. I've had 2 of these in the last year one of whom was only forcibly removed after my two ex rugby player cousins came down from ooop North to move him on.

Fuck fuck Fuck!!! I have seriously lived through every single effing dating cliche. Like ever.

Of the cocklodgers one was an alcoholic architect and the other a Xanax chomping whisky swilling actor. Of course it all happened before I knew it was Halle big but as soon as I figured it out they were despatched. Au revoir Les cock lodgers 👋🏻

Mr Ginger was an antidote to the cocklodgers as he was solvent and had his shit together. But an avoider.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Ladies. So glad I found y'all.

@BelladiMamma only just saw your reply to my post. So happy for you ❤️

[quote OnwardsEverStridingOnwards]@BelladiMamma only just saw your reply to my post. So happy for you ❤️[/quote]
Yeah. Me too. I'm not going to get excited but I'm cautiously optimistic that we will at the very least have some nice dates together.

Checking in. Decided to get back on the apps in about a week. Now just to decide on pictures and I think I'm all set.

@BelladiMamma - my exP was a cocklodger. He moved in with me, I worked full time, paid for everything , he always promised to pay something but rarely did (I’d asked for £100 a week to cover all rent/bills/food and he didn’t even manage that), had a child together blah blah - I finally gave him an ultimatum, after a bailiff turned up chasing his debts. And he left with a shrug - which was actually the most upsetting thing for me , the fact that he didn’t look back at all - he’s now cocklodging at new girlfriends. He was a very charming, personable guy though , love bombed I suppose.

So here I am, mid fifties , OLD.

April’s not going too well - been on diet and exercise regime- 11 days - weighed myself, put in 1/4 lb! So I’ve given that up.

Back on the apps - tinder, bumble and now hinge too and I’m all swiped out. whoever I ‘like’ doesn’t like me and vice versa. The ones I swipe on tinder tend to say ‘these are the popular likes’ or something so I’d assume they are the 9’s 10’s, and I’m a 5 or something! Oh well.

A guy ‘liked’ me on hinge , so I matched him- but no msg came from him - I thought the whole point of liking someone on hinge meant you wanted to start chatting. Oh well.

Trouble is I live out pretty rural so not a huge amount of choice - even with a 1 hour drive max limit.

[quote Eesha]@BelladiMamma they kinda move themselves in but only offer sex. Tend to home in on women with their shit together![/quote]
Hmmm. Yes I tick that box big time. God what a fool was I ... the worst one (the alcoholic architect) also got arrested for assaulting me and then stalking me. Despite my 6'6 cousins coming and having a word with him. I lived in hell because of him for 6 months last year.

Shoulda just come on here and got some free advice from you fabulous ladies instead!

before I knew it was happening

Not Halle light???

[quote GaraMedouar]@BelladiMamma - my exP was a cocklodger. He moved in with me, I worked full time, paid for everything , he always promised to pay something but rarely did (I’d asked for £100 a week to cover all rent/bills/food and he didn’t even manage that), had a child together blah blah - I finally gave him an ultimatum, after a bailiff turned up chasing his debts. And he left with a shrug - which was actually the most upsetting thing for me , the fact that he didn’t look back at all - he’s now cocklodging at new girlfriends. He was a very charming, personable guy though , love bombed I suppose.

So here I am, mid fifties , OLD.

April’s not going too well - been on diet and exercise regime- 11 days - weighed myself, put in 1/4 lb! So I’ve given that up.

Back on the apps - tinder, bumble and now hinge too and I’m all swiped out. whoever I ‘like’ doesn’t like me and vice versa. The ones I swipe on tinder tend to say ‘these are the popular likes’ or something so I’d assume they are the 9’s 10’s, and I’m a 5 or something! Oh well.

A guy ‘liked’ me on hinge , so I matched him- but no msg came from him - I thought the whole point of liking someone on hinge meant you wanted to start chatting. Oh well.

Trouble is I live out pretty rural so not a huge amount of choice - even with a 1 hour drive max limit.[/quote]
I am so sorry to hear this. What a selfish wanker. I think they have something missing ... like empathy or generosity or self knowledge ... both my cock lodgers from last year went back to their exes but were both thrown out very shortly afterwards. I am pleased those ladies also saw the light. My second one the actor only lasted one 'long weekend' because he literally turned up with half his stuff just to spend the night with me ... mainly several crates of alcohol, posters of films he's been in and his coffee machine ... 'hi darling I'm straight on to Paris for filming after our dirty weekend so thought I could leave these here and pick them up on my way back through. Your garage is big enough babe. Mmm yah and this room would be a great study for me ...'

Actually no. Just fuck off you free loader.

Oh my goodness BelladiMamma - what a cheek. I don’t know how they have the gall!!!

I'm not that vulnerable to cocklodgers right now as I don't really host so they lose interest soon.

It is quite funny seeing the "cocklodger early scope out" though as they ask too many questions about my living set-up and finances, even my family finances.

I met a holiday romance once who looked up my surname on Google and came to the conclusion because I dressed nicely, my family was part of this very successful business who I am totally unconnected to (think a surname like Vanderbilt)! He kept wanting to invite himself over to help with DIY .

But yes they are everywhere and I think many women have run-ins!

They talk love but actually think of women as "vaginas with providers of homes". And they're good at "if you loved me you'd....." kind of emotional manipulation.

I've been good over the last few years at just improving my boundaries and realising that just because I'm dating someone I don't need to "provide a place for them to have sex"?

Cocklodger extreme:

I was young, no job, precarious living situation with leaving abusive family.

A friend was away for the summer and her room in student halls was empty so she very kindly said I could crash there for a bit until I got sorted and got work.

Obviously the fact that I wasn't meant to be there meant I had to be discreet.

My ex - on the way to a good career, good student stipend and family support, had a paid for room with mates. But his flatshare was unfriendly.

He kept insisting he come over and "be allowed to hang out in the room I was in" and would talk very loudly, want to use the kitchen....he would claim he "couldn't emotionally cope out of love for me" otherwise.

Funnily enough, he couldn't cope with meeting in a cafe for a coffee for emotional support - it had to be a personal space I was in.

There was just no consideration for my precarious situation, my friendship, my friend getting thrown out of her room...no self-respect to get a situation sorted for us to spend time together if he wanted it that much. As far as he was concerned I was there to provide hang-out space for him.

We lived together for a year after that and even though I had a very well-paid job for my age, plenty of overtime etc, I dressed in rags most of the time and my shoes had holes in them.

I think the term came from Viz originally but Mumsnet has taken it over.

@SpringlikeBunk

I'm not that vulnerable to cocklodgers right now as I don't really host so they lose interest soon.

It is quite funny seeing the "cocklodger early scope out" though as they ask too many questions about my living set-up and finances, even my family finances.

I met a holiday romance once who looked up my surname on Google and came to the conclusion because I dressed nicely, my family was part of this very successful business who I am totally unconnected to (think a surname like Vanderbilt)! He kept wanting to invite himself over to help with DIY .

But yes they are everywhere and I think many women have run-ins!

They talk love but actually think of women as "vaginas with providers of homes". And they're good at "if you loved me you'd....." kind of emotional manipulation.

I've been good over the last few years at just improving my boundaries and realising that just because I'm dating someone I don't need to "provide a place for them to have sex"?

Cocklodger extreme:

I was young, no job, precarious living situation with leaving abusive family.

A friend was away for the summer and her room in student halls was empty so she very kindly said I could crash there for a bit until I got sorted and got work.

Obviously the fact that I wasn't meant to be there meant I had to be discreet.

My ex - on the way to a good career, good student stipend and family support, had a paid for room with mates. But his flatshare was unfriendly.

He kept insisting he come over and "be allowed to hang out in the room I was in" and would talk very loudly, want to use the kitchen....he would claim he "couldn't emotionally cope out of love for me" otherwise.

Funnily enough, he couldn't cope with meeting in a cafe for a coffee for emotional support - it had to be a personal space I was in.

There was just no consideration for my precarious situation, my friendship, my friend getting thrown out of her room...no self-respect to get a situation sorted for us to spend time together if he wanted it that much. As far as he was concerned I was there to provide hang-out space for him.

We lived together for a year after that and even though I had a very well-paid job for my age, plenty of overtime etc, I dressed in rags most of the time and my shoes had holes in them.

I think the term came from Viz originally but Mumsnet has taken it over.

I feel far less vulnerable to them because of those scoping questions and my universal - I love to get out of my own four walls, where shall we go?

My architect cocklodger even had the cheek to post photos of my house onto his work Facebook as if he'd built the Fucking thing

@GaraMedouar

Oh my goodness BelladiMamma - what a cheek. I don’t know how they have the gall!!!

Both of them were very handsome. Makes them lazy and entitled. Amongst other things.

Sorry 😞 any blokes on this thread. I know you're not all like this but nothing attracts a cocklodger like a recently divorced solvent woman with a fancy house.

I'm sure I could create a great Jane Austen type quote if I scratched my head hard enough ...

@BelladiMamma 🤞🏻❤️😘

Yeh, its good I think to push for "dates out" earlier for that reason? I guess having dated on and off for the last few years with some quite big gaps I sometimes wonder if I should host more, as that seems the social norm?

But the way I see it I haven't got a massive sex drive or drive for physical intimacy (would be quite happy to neck outside restaurants for six months) and don't want to move in or blend lives.

so if the guy wants that it's up to him to take on the mental load of providing a venue?

There was actually quite a good thread on cocklodgers on this board a while ago - just examples of guys being DESPERATE to invite themselves over and "get their feet under the table", from "I'll cook dinner for you" to "bringing a cheap bottle of wine over". And not taking no for an answer....

And these weren't established romances or dating situations, just on the first couple of dates!