Dating Thread 202: Here's hoping the lockdown loneliness and longing eases up soon...

[SpringlikeBunk]

Come ye all!

@VanGoghsDog

Can you lend me some of that scariness?

I scare people away though! Men and women. I don't know how to stop it.

I've been low the last few days, probably hormonal, but it occured to me I have literally no-one to talk to when I'm feeling down. Though to be honest, even if I did, I'm not sure I know how to.

Me too VanGogh! Even my friends and family who love me find me scary! I put it down to not being English - I'm forthright and don't bullshit and I am very clear about my boundaries. So in a sense it's really healthy because I don't easily get taken advantage of, but I also think many don't realise that I'm really just a softie... and I'm just not the sort of person men fall in love with 😪 So I still get my heart broken.

onwards I would initially see it as someone who wants to show you that they're not put off and are trying to empathise. Which could be lovely, as long as it doesn't become too much. If you meet him and still felt uncomfortable about the interest in your pain, then I would bin him. But maybe it's a bit too soon to get creeped out?

@WeWantTheFinestWines

onwards I would initially see it as someone who wants to show you that they're not put off and are trying to empathise. Which could be lovely, as long as it doesn't become too much. If you meet him and still felt uncomfortable about the interest in your pain, then I would bin him. But maybe it's a bit too soon to get creeped out?

Thank you @WeWantTheFinestWines.

I've only been talking to this guy since yesterday, so I probably just need to talk to him a bit more and see how it goes.

Its a bit weird because most guys I speak to just probably mention it once and then forget about it.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i think its someone being interested in you

[quote Eesha]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i think its someone being interested in you[/quote]
Do you think he's too interested? X

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I agree with @WeWantTheFinestWines I’d say they are just trying to convey empathy and an interest in your condition. Obviously if they go on about it I’d run but for now maybe take it at face value? I’m glad you put it on your profile to weed out the judgemental types like your iron that ghosted after finding out:)

Nothing to report from me, still slowly going along with Mr TG, saw him last weekend and it was lovely as usual. Got another check in text from Mr BlueEyes today which always throws me but I kept my responses light and brief and off he went until the next time
I think I want to have the conversation with Mr TG about what we are this week or at least to establish if he views our ‘thing’ as something with potential or just a FWB set up as I really don’t know-over 4 months in I would think I should have some inkling 🤷‍♀️

[quote Mayzee]**@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* I agree with @WeWantTheFinestWines* I’d say they are just trying to convey empathy and an interest in your condition. Obviously if they go on about it I’d run but for now maybe take it at face value? I’m glad you put it on your profile to weed out the judgemental types like your iron that ghosted after finding out:)

Nothing to report from me, still slowly going along with Mr TG, saw him last weekend and it was lovely as usual. Got another check in text from Mr BlueEyes today which always throws me but I kept my responses light and brief and off he went until the next time
I think I want to have the conversation with Mr TG about what we are this week or at least to establish if he views our ‘thing’ as something with potential or just a FWB set up as I really don’t know-over 4 months in I would think I should have some inkling 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
@Mayzee thank you 👍🏻

[quote OnwardsEverStridingOnwards]@BelladiMamma I don't know. It just feels a bit weird.

I mean, some of you on this thread know I have CP, but it would feel a bit weird for you to google it, wouldn't it?

I did tell them about it, but wish I hadn't now because they keep taking about my pain.

I feel glad I don't have these kind of conversations with Mr. Bookworm! [/quote]
They sound like they might be......fetishizing.

I wouldn't like it. At very least they are mansplaining your condition to you. Annoying and patronising.

and I'm just not the sort of person men fall in love with 😪 So I still get my heart broken.

Yep. At one workplace unpleasant men used to play "shag, marry, push off a cliff" and I was always the shag one, never the marry one. Or so I was told by various men!

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Maybe don't name your condition on your profile, just put a very brief mention of it - "I have a little long condition that doesn't impact my daily living" or what fits (not Googled it myself!).

@BelladiMamma no pub - we are in Scotland, but after chatting some more I'm looking forward to it. He is indeed Mr Easy.

Mr HT is in the back of my mind but he's not messaged in almost 2 weeks. I think he's definitely gone for good this time, probably for the best.

I don't get cock lodgers, I get players, ghosters and avoidants.

[quote VanGoghsDog]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Maybe don't name your condition on your profile, just put a very brief mention of it - "I have a little long condition that doesn't impact my daily living" or what fits (not Googled it myself!).[/quote]
@VanGogh I didn't name it. I just said I had a physical disability and he asked what it was.

@VanGoghsDog just noticed your other post, sorry.

That's just how I feel.

It's just very strange to me. I've chatted to a lot of guys on OLD, and I've never come across this before.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards, I'd see it as a positive that he's bringing it into the conversation. I'd probably now say something along the lines of ' I decided to put it on my profile but it really doesn't define me. It's just one aspect of who I am. ' Then you could take the conversation off in a different direction by talking about something that you enjoy doing or ask him a question about him or his profile. I used to get some of this when I had ' widowed' on my profile back in my early days of OLD. Some guys would show sympathy or ask about the circumstances etc. Their tone or reactions often gave me some insight into whether they were someone I would want to pursue conversation with... well that or the mention of favourite positions or had I done anal ? just reminded myself of how awful some of it was. I had no clue what I was doing. Gullible and naive. Wish I'd had the collective wisdom and support of everyone on this thread back then !

[quote Onesmallstep67]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards, I'd see it as a positive that he's bringing it into the conversation. I'd probably now say something along the lines of ' I decided to put it on my profile but it really doesn't define me. It's just one aspect of who I am. ' Then you could take the conversation off in a different direction by talking about something that you enjoy doing or ask him a question about him or his profile. I used to get some of this when I had ' widowed' on my profile back in my early days of OLD. Some guys would show sympathy or ask about the circumstances etc. Their tone or reactions often gave me some insight into whether they were someone I would want to pursue conversation with... well that or the mention of favourite positions or had I done anal ? just reminded myself of how awful some of it was. I had no clue what I was doing. Gullible and naive. Wish I'd had the collective wisdom and support of everyone on this thread back then ![/quote]
@Onesmallstep67 👍🏻

Morning all. Placemarking, just as I was getting to the point where I thought I was in a relationship and would just pop in as an occasional guest 🤷‍♀️

Thanks for all your support regarding Mr G. He swerved talking to me last night. Coward. That’s 7 months I won’t get back. I find men like me more when I don’t care enough to make any demands on them or want to discuss things. Maybe it’s a challenge. Mr G worked like a Trojan to break down my boundaries. Even Mr Beard put in the effort before I suddenly fell for him. Once I reciprocate it seems to be game over. Thanks for all the lovely support and advice though xxx

Interesting discussion re: cocklodgers. My ex was definitely one. I didn’t see Mr G as one but it is an interesting new perspective ...

Morning all

uttersocks you deserve so much better than MrG. I'm so angry for you

Quick update for me - I have a video chat planned with the new match whose shorter than me tonight - obviously won't be able to tell if height puts me off but at least I'll know whether worth even getting to meet point based on how we get on I guess

Placemarking. Sort of. A little ode to Mr GN actually.

I’m a scary old English bag of the first order, a softie at heart but only my DC knew that. For all his faults he is the only person in my adult life to actually see beyond the capable-ness to the motherless child beneath. He thinks I’m cute and sweet, FFS. Extraordinary.

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic I thought you had finished with Mr GN? I need to read back!

@Slothmomma thanks. Am a little broken-hearted today. Hope your date goes well later x

[quote UtterSocks]@Slothmomma thanks. Am a little broken-hearted today. Hope your date goes well later x[/quote]
I don't think "coward" is the c word I'd be using for MrG!

I guess at least you forcing the issue means you now know. You were right in your first assessments of him where you were remaining detached due to his inability to deal with his ex.

@UtterSocks, you seem a very articulate and upfront person from the way that you write, could you maybe tell Mr G exactly the place you feel he has put you in now ? Clearly something has made him dither and retreat. Having believed that he was genuine you allowed yourself to become vulnerable which isn't a position many of us feel comfortable in. Maybe you feel he has already had those chances to explain himself? it's so puzzling though that his actions seem to have changed so dramatically in such a short space of time. There must be something behind this. The very least he should do is explain this to you.

@UtterSocks I was on the precipice of finishing with him after his four days of now showering, but we trundled on. Meh. I'm enjoying the adoration he gives me, why wouldn't I? He is a lovely man. But I don't particularly expect or need it to carry on into the sunset. At heart I think of myself as single, and I always will; I kind of don't understand any longer what 'partners' or 'relationships' are for.

I agree with @Onesmallstep67, this behaviour from Mr G is odd. If he is just spooked by your (apparently unexpected) commitment, why can't he say so like a grownup? Disappointing.

[quote ThisTooShallBeFantastic]@UtterSocks I was on the precipice of finishing with him after his four days of now showering, but we trundled on. Meh. I'm enjoying the adoration he gives me, why wouldn't I? He is a lovely man. But I don't particularly expect or need it to carry on into the sunset. At heart I think of myself as single, and I always will; I kind of don't understand any longer what 'partners' or 'relationships' are for.

I agree with @Onesmallstep67, this behaviour from Mr G is odd. If he is just spooked by your (apparently unexpected) commitment, why can't he say so like a grownup? Disappointing.[/quote]
This is raising the spectre of MrGinger for me. It's like they want the ego boost and commitment then waver. Come on people just be honest about what you want! Too much to ask? Apparently so

@UtterSocks

I kind of thought cocklodger in training.

my experience is its not obvious or blatant at the start.

there is often some "crisis" which means they have to spend more time at yours, bit by bit.

So you end up enabling/problem solving by having them at yours (even if financially and practically they could come up with other options or solutions).

It kind of makes sense and you get caught up in the moment

but then if you look at it objectively, he could have found a practical solution - they just want the woman to host.

The net effect of the situation seemed to be you having to host MrG as he "needed you" and you not being able to do the same at his place due to his children being there.

Him wanting to progress things emotionally seemed more of a "pragmatic" decision from his view?

Even if he expressed it in terms of love and him wanting "commitment" etc?

once he's met your DD, then he can make an argument that its ok for her to come around when she is there?

And then you'd have "bought" into this dynamic that his ex and children come ahead of yours and you are "support staff" providing a place of refuge... and you can't regularly come to his because he can't tell the children...

So gradually it would become the "default situation" that he was always at yours, then he'd stop asking for permission...

Like I said earlier, with my ex, apparently it was SO stressful for him with his flatmates, he had to come to where I was staying so I could "support him"...he really loved and needed me and needed to see me...

(then looking back and less naive, why wasn't HE making practical decisions to make sure we had private space together?)