Dating Thread 202: Here's hoping the lockdown loneliness and longing eases up soon...

[SpringlikeBunk]

Come ye all!

@UtterSocks, firstly I am really glad that you got to talk to Mr G and it didn't spiral into a horrible, unexpected place where he ghosted you etc. I think the question now is what do you actually want from him that he's not currently offering ? Do you want the status of being his GF? Recognised as such by his family and friends ? I'm not anally retentive about Covid but we are just edging out of a prolonged period where technically contact beyond immediate bubbles etc wasn't allowed - so it's not like he has necessarily hidden you way from anything social on purpose - although clearly he hasn't made your presence known in his life to some key people.
In terms of him being a pot noodle and not a steak and chips kind of guy, or rather the conversation last night, maybe that's a reflection of who he is. Maybe you are reaching the stage where you start to see the deeper layers of someone and it's not quite as 'satisfying' as you would hope for.
I think you need to reflect on what you want from Mr G. Was your anger and sadness a reaction to someone apparently not caring enough about you that they weren't going to let you into their world in the same way you had begun to open up yours ? Or did it hurt more because it was specifically Mr G?

Welcome @Invisiblewoman1

Just jump in and ask questions as and when you need - I've learnt so much from this thread.

In general its natural to find most matches/chats fizzle out or don't go anywhere so you're not doing anything wrong.

Like I can have 20 nice looking matches and none get to a meet? That's fine.

I've struggled in the past where I try to "push too much or accept things I didn't like to get dates going" and "ignored red flags" .

If you don't have any meets for a month that's not an issue - maybe do a profile review or something but don't feel you have to be moving quicker.

Hi, I am a lurker, and have hit a crossroads with online dating. Just been rejected after a tinder fling, he made a lot of promises and then changed his mind, and it hurts more than the the three month relationship I ended earlier this year.
Is it ok to take a break from it all? I’m in my early 30s, and feel it’s the only way I can meet someone. Also cannot face another walk!

Thanks for much @SpringlikeBunk

I am trying to read through everything. Learnt all about cocklodgers now

Guy I like at the moment has said no to swapping numbers at moment and wants to carry on talking on bumble “for now”. Is that a bad sign??

How long have you been talking invisible?

@bangheadhere40 only 9 days.... on the app... so it’s just like some days half hour of messaging and other days none at all . I’ve never come across any guy whose said no to swapping numbers

After 9 days of messaging I'd be looking to move to exchanging numbers too

I don’t think it’s a total red flag I’d probably just detach a bit as he doesn’t sound that enthusiastic/keen?

I guess exchanging infrequent messages isn’t that big an investment so maybe give it a few weeks, still chat to others and if things don’t progress drift away...

@SpringlikeBunk your Mr Military and my Mr Beard. 🙄🙄🙄. I mean I won’t go back there but I think about him most days still. My 3 month wonder.

I'm very new to o.l.d ( 2 days) and need to ask for some advice. What do you do with the messages from people you are not attracted to at all? Do you reply and say no thanks or do you just delete them? Some have been pushy so happy to delete, but the nice but not my type are harder to deal with, also how do you let them down? Any advice much appreciated, Im feeling a bit out of my depth.

@BelladiMamma -AA for hopeless dating cases made me laugh

@Tinseltangle what apps are you on? If it is one where you have to match first it is harder to ignore a message completely I think as you have shown interest (though plenty do this and think nothing of it). With apps like POF it is par for the course and expected. Just delete them. I find men on those sites seem to send messages in hope rather than expectation and I got loads who clearly ignored all my age/distance preference

@Tinseltangle if it’s a first message from someone you aren’t interested in getting to know I personally don’t reply and just delete. If it’s someone you have sent a few messages to and then decide they arent for you then I tend to send a “you seem nice but I don’t think we’re right for each other. Best of luck” message. But that’s just me - interested to see what others do

Im on POF, its a bit of a jungle out there. So far two have wanted to talk on the phone straight away, is that usual? Not sure im ready for that, i barely know a thing about them.

I wouldn’t worry about this at all. I don’t give out my number early on. Not because of any terrible experience, but more because, as you say, some people love to message with nothing to say and I found some also like to come and go, so I’d sporadically get messages weeks after a previous chat from guys I couldn’t even remember. Just tedious. For me, by keeping things on the app it made the online dating process a less intrusive experience. I wouldn’t be concerned about not exchanging numbers yet. However, you never really know if there’s chemistry until you meet in real life. I’ve met guys who didn’t seem that promising when I was messaging them, but then great in person and vice versa! If I were you, I would also keep chatting to others, online dating is a numbers game, give yourself the best chance.

@Onesmallstep67 thanks again for the thoughtful advice. I think it was triggering because it also happened with Mr Beard and I had imagined a whole relationship with him in my head and got myself heartbroken, and also specifically because I let my guard down with Mr G and was annoyed both about the non-reciprocal lowering of the drawbridge and also about finishing with Mr L (who actually sent me a message yesterday indicating he had been quite upset and disappointed which surprised me but also made me sad as I was fond of him).

Was it specifically about Mr G as a person? Well yes as in how he makes me feel is brilliant 95% of the time. We laugh all the time, have amazing sex and he is so calm and kind. He feels like a really good friend as well as partner which is odd for me. But there are things that make me wary. The ex, the kids, and our future plans. I always thought I’d go for someone a little more cosmopolitan, dynamic, adventurous - someone who would move to another country at the first opportunity, help me live my dream (This isn’t Mr Beard either but I had temporarily taken leave of my senses with that one)

Then of course 18 months on the apps and just someone literate with hair who is not mental seems a prize so maybe I had begun to tell myself nobody has everything 🤷‍♀️

Lockdown has had a lot to answer for. Unable to do any of the things I usually fill my life with, and not having to seriously consider if a man would enhance that or just embarrass/irritate me to death in my own settings has led to me adding a whole load of value to men who will host me in their homes and provide sex, wine and food and laughs.

Good title for the next thread - Was it love or was it Lockdown? Find out in June ... 😂

@Tinseltangle - POF is a jungle. It scared me off the first time I used it and had hundreds of messages from men who looked like potatoes or criminals in a day!

If I were you I’d try a nicer app like Hinge!

Never agree to give your number out if you aren’t comfortable

Thank you for that, Im off to research hinge......

It helps to know I'm not the only one with a 3 month wonder, and also interesting that we tolerate things we never would normally with certain people. My 3 month one had a complicated living situation along with lots of his life, there's no way i would normally put up with...but red flags were out the window.

Re messages - unless they seem really lovely i don't message to say thanks but no thanks, I just leave it. If I'd been speaking I would say, but not if I'd had no contact with them.

Agree with the potatoes and criminals that live on pof.

Can relate uttersocks...if someone literate with hair and un crazy came along I wouldn't say no either 🤣

@Heartbeats0708 - I feel your pain with Mr Polo and probably all the people with 3 month wonders too...
Mr G has been pretty dire in his messaging during this lockdown. He is vulnerable and worried about the virus - more so than me. On the phone and in the flesh he has been great though. We had been seeing each other for 3 months prior to this Jan lockdown and have exchanged birthday/Valentine gifts but his reluctance to meet is definitely making me less bothered now. I’m not sure if he is a 3 month wonder or if it is the lockdown pressures - I think I am now dealing with the sunken costs theory in that I have put all this time into him before and also over lockdown that it is worth hanging in there to at least see him once more to reassess. I don’t like how he has acted at times, he hasn’t come across as very considerate to my feelings really. It could just be he doesn’t like me enough, or we didn’t know each other well enough to cope with the lockdown restrictions. I sent him a chatty message yesterday saying what we had got up to over the weekend and that it was lovely to speak to him on Friday (he rang me) and that I was looking forward to when we are able to see each other again. I haven’t even got blue ticks to the message 48 hours on. A month or so ago I would have been quite upset, am just pretty meh about it all now. Annoyingly I don’t feel It would be fair of me to go back onto the apps at all just yet - so am trying to keep busy and not take any notice of MrG. He is someone who doesn’t message if nothing to say - but I don’t think he has been very considerate and his messaging is very different to how it was in the first 3 months when we were also seeing each other in the flesh.
I am feeling like I should just reduce comms and leave it now and see what happens as we come out of lockdown.

@Tinseltangle - I’ve recently joined hinge. I quite like it as you can ‘like’ someone and then they see that and can ‘like’ you back and then you match and start chatting. Although normally those who like me , I don’t feel the same.
But I am matched with a chap and we’ve just started a conversation (hoorah!) so I’ll see how that goes. He’s not a potato, and is also 3 years younger as opposed to 10 years older!
Also got a few matches on Bumble now- maybe it’s due to the sunny weather and everything opening up?
I’m not holding my breath but we’ll see.
I did start messaging someone off Bumble but he’s now completely deleted his account, with no warning! Was it something I said?

@bangheadhere40 I don’t know if you watch What we do in the Shadows but I have contemplated buying myself this mug ...

[quote UtterSocks]@bangheadhere40 I don’t know if you watch What we do in the Shadows but I have contemplated buying myself this mug ...[/quote]
🤣🤣🤣

Mr Potato 🥔 is never a popular option 😳

FWIW I use Bumble and Hinge and find them to be low key / friendly. Have never used other apps ex for guardian soulmates for a week or two. In all, my app experience is about 6 weeks so there are far better people to talk to about relative virtues of each.

With unmatching the only issue is that if you send them a message once you've unmatched they won't see it. So if it's someone that's nice that I've been talking to I will wait to hear back from them or at least leave it for 24 hours before unmatching