Dating Thread 202: Here's hoping the lockdown loneliness and longing eases up soon...

[SpringlikeBunk]

Come ye all!

PS

I may be projecting as I think MrMilitary just fell in sweet sweet looooooooovvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeee with me and wanted a committed relationship (despite not being generally that communicative).

as he'd then get sex for two weeks before he goes away

and as we were a "couple" he could come round to mine at the last minute and not have to fork out for a hotel.

and a faithful "partner" for eight months. I'd miss out on being able to date/meet/go out with new guys etc

struggle with my move on a low budget, whilst he stashes away his pay and enjoys lads nights out and all the military socialising. But I'd have the flat ready for him when he gets back.

Let's see, who does that "commitment" work out best for?

Have fixed a zoom lunch date with Mr. Bookworm for next Friday!

I'm back on bumble and not jaded (yet).

Have been direct and honest in my profile and said I'm emotionally struggling a bit with lockdown, here to chat, no hookups.

Not even sure I feel up to "organising or pushing for dates" tbh so I'm just going to see if anything comes up. I kind of want to meet nurturing types not types who needs stuff from me right now.

@SpringlikeBunk

I'm back on bumble and not jaded (yet).

Have been direct and honest in my profile and said I'm emotionally struggling a bit with lockdown, here to chat, no hookups.

Not even sure I feel up to "organising or pushing for dates" tbh so I'm just going to see if anything comes up. I kind of want to meet nurturing types not types who needs stuff from me right now.

Sending lots of love and luck to you @Spring ❤️

Thanks @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

The Zoom lunch date sounds good, are you bringing nice food in for it?

Sorry uttersocks that does sound cowardly and I think I would be asking for an explanation.

Hope you are okay.x

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Have fixed a zoom lunch date with Mr. Bookworm for next Friday!

Lovely! Nice and low key 💗

@SpringlikeBunk

Thanks *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards*

The Zoom lunch date sounds good, are you bringing nice food in for it?

Yeah, should have something nice in the fridge

@BelladiMamma indeed ❤️

@SpringlikeBunk @BelladiMamma I'm a bit nervous about it as I haven't dated in a while (the last person who I went out with was my ex) but he seems lovely and we've got a lot in common. We both love books, and both retaining to go into different careers.

So hope it goes well, anyway 🤞🏻🙂

*retraining

[quote OnwardsEverStridingOnwards]**@SpringlikeBunk* @BelladiMamma* I'm a bit nervous about it as I haven't dated in a while (the last person who I went out with was my ex) but he seems lovely and we've got a lot in common. We both love books, and both retaining to go into different careers.

So hope it goes well, anyway 🤞🏻🙂[/quote]
Just a nice conversation and friendly chat is always good x

Hi all. had a date yesterday but wasn't feeling it. I'm done with online dating. I find it boring and non productive so I wish you all luck and I'm off to make my single life

@BLTLover

Hi all. had a date yesterday but wasn't feeling it. I'm done with online dating. I find it boring and non productive so I wish you all luck and I'm off to make my single life

Good luck with everything - a decision either way is fabulous ... not sure how long I'll cope either with the repeated patterns of behaviour and the sheer boredom of it sometimes 😳

@BLTLover

Sounds a good call - it can just feel so pointless sometimes especially things “fizzling out”?

I've accepted at 34 with a young child any love is gone for me. I like my own company anyway so that's life

@UtterSocks @SpringlikeBunk makes a compelling argument for the pragmatism behind your MrG's thinking but a lot of this is speculative and makes me uncomfortable. I would hate to be judged so much if I was taking some time to think about something that had the potential to be complicated. But of course I would have the good grace to tell someone that I was mulling it over. In this respect MrG has failed.

I agree with @Onesmallstep67 that trying to understand what is holding him back might dispel some of your fears of being taken advantage of. I was thinking about the character of MrG (in so far as you've described) and him having the habit of doing things for his kids and his ex-, and wondered if actually him offering to meet your kids and becoming involved in your life was his version of commitment i.e. he puts himself at your disposal, much as he did with her/them. Clearly he wants to remove obstacles to spending time with you and it's a big thing to get involved with someone elses kids/family. I don't see it necessarily as ingratiating himself but perhaps he sees his homegrown obstacles as being insurmountable - again that powerlessness thing comes up when someone has a history of being treated badly.

The issue with his daughter being around and a suitable place for you to meet up has muddied the waters and I know you have previously said you want no part in the messiness of his life so maybe he worries about what will come of you being involved in that.

Anyway it strikes me that there is much to speculate on here and it would be much more concrete if he had the opportunity to explain his reticence. I think if the roles were reversed there might be a bit more sympathy for a woman on the thread in such a situation and her reticence might even be commended [and I know that your situation is very difficult too! and you deserve sympathy for all of that too!].

@BelladiMamma ❤️

Thanks all for the replies. Am quite down today as Mr G has been on WhatsApp all day (he doesn't know that many people FFS) and not messaged.

I do read and take on board all your feedback. @SpringlikeBunk I don't think he is consciously a cocklodger. I do think subconsciously he finds my life attractive (even while throwing a spanner in it) and he likes to escape his own. I have the same imperative, I am a visitor more than a host if given a choice, though I do both.

@Onesmallstep67 I am trying to understand what is holding him back but if he won't talk to me honestly it is hard to do so. He is very much of the 'it'll all be fine/is fine" school, even when it is not. And he is not 100% honest. Sometimes he tells me his son/ex know about me, sometimes it seems they don't, or they know he has had the odd date with some nameless inconsequential person but not that he tells me he loves me every day and has been introduced to my family. So it's a little bit odd. If he can't understand why that makes me annoyed when it means cancelling our dates because he can't admit I exist then I don't know how to spell it out. And I find it hard to understand how long he wants to keep me a secret. It's rather like I told him months ago we couldn't have a relationship due to his ex living there/kids etc and he has smoothed over my fears and promised to do something, then not done it.

@HairyArsedMan you offer a very balanced view as ever from our resident man, and actually although I am annoyed with him and upset right now he is a very lovely man in a lot of ways. I am annoyed he let me make the commitment and push him in front of my family and end things with Mr L (who to make me feel even worse today has just messaged me to say he'd been quite upset. Another one who never told me their true feelings)

Then the very next week, when I am feeling all especially loved up, he lets me down by yet again moving the goalposts for me (and by extension my DD) because it is apparently impossible to say to his kids "sorry you can't change your night at your mum's as my girlfriend of 7 months is coming round" FFS!!!! When last weekend I spent 3 whole days with him at very short notice to my DD.

Thing is I do want to give him the chance to explain when we are both calm. But if he won't message me I can't. And I don't actually want to message him now as it seems needy and if he ignores me I will feel worse.

I have probably blown it by losing my temper. In the past I just withdrew when he pissed me about due to his ex/kids and said 'fine, next week then'. This used to worry him I think, more than me getting upset - because now he knows I care about him.

In other news have 3 new irons but honestly Idk if I can be bothered any more. Maybe I need to just give up!

@UtterSocks

Thanks all for the replies. Am quite down today as Mr G has been on WhatsApp all day (he doesn't know that many people FFS) and not messaged.

I do read and take on board all your feedback. @SpringlikeBunk I don't think he is consciously a cocklodger. I do think subconsciously he finds my life attractive (even while throwing a spanner in it) and he likes to escape his own. I have the same imperative, I am a visitor more than a host if given a choice, though I do both.

@Onesmallstep67 I am trying to understand what is holding him back but if he won't talk to me honestly it is hard to do so. He is very much of the 'it'll all be fine/is fine" school, even when it is not. And he is not 100% honest. Sometimes he tells me his son/ex know about me, sometimes it seems they don't, or they know he has had the odd date with some nameless inconsequential person but not that he tells me he loves me every day and has been introduced to my family. So it's a little bit odd. If he can't understand why that makes me annoyed when it means cancelling our dates because he can't admit I exist then I don't know how to spell it out. And I find it hard to understand how long he wants to keep me a secret. It's rather like I told him months ago we couldn't have a relationship due to his ex living there/kids etc and he has smoothed over my fears and promised to do something, then not done it.

@HairyArsedMan you offer a very balanced view as ever from our resident man, and actually although I am annoyed with him and upset right now he is a very lovely man in a lot of ways. I am annoyed he let me make the commitment and push him in front of my family and end things with Mr L (who to make me feel even worse today has just messaged me to say he'd been quite upset. Another one who never told me their true feelings)

Then the very next week, when I am feeling all especially loved up, he lets me down by yet again moving the goalposts for me (and by extension my DD) because it is apparently impossible to say to his kids "sorry you can't change your night at your mum's as my girlfriend of 7 months is coming round" FFS!!!! When last weekend I spent 3 whole days with him at very short notice to my DD.

Thing is I do want to give him the chance to explain when we are both calm. But if he won't message me I can't. And I don't actually want to message him now as it seems needy and if he ignores me I will feel worse.

I have probably blown it by losing my temper. In the past I just withdrew when he pissed me about due to his ex/kids and said 'fine, next week then'. This used to worry him I think, more than me getting upset - because now he knows I care about him.

In other news have 3 new irons but honestly Idk if I can be bothered any more. Maybe I need to just give up!

@UtterSocks don't give up. There is someone out there waiting for you ❤️

I’m not sure if it’s my own issues right now or the particular app format

but I’m finding myself going through them very pessimistically and clinically - overall I haven’t had any terrible experiences recently

I suppose it’s all the little micro aggressions/micro traumas/disappointments and flakes etc building up

even though I’m not really after something full time right now...

emotionally having all these “half in, half out, almost but not quite interactions” seems to have taken its toll a bit.

I’m stating I’m just there to chat and meet new people though and not getting into intimacy too soon.

@SpringlikeBunk

I’m not sure if it’s my own issues right now or the particular app format

but I’m finding myself going through them very pessimistically and clinically - overall I haven’t had any terrible experiences recently

I suppose it’s all the little micro aggressions/micro traumas/disappointments and flakes etc building up

even though I’m not really after something full time right now...

emotionally having all these “half in, half out, almost but not quite interactions” seems to have taken its toll a bit.

I’m stating I’m just there to chat and meet new people though and not getting into intimacy too soon.

@SpringlikeBunk that sounds like a good plan

So I told my friend all about my Thursday date, Mr Easy, I'm a bit worried because it's too easy and we are getting along well, communication is nice and consistent, he's after the same things as me. Sounds daft but I'm thinking ok so what's the catch.

Well she turned super sleuth. She's next level internet detective, but everything single thing she found out 100% corresponds with what he's told me.
So all that's left to do is go and meet him and see if the chemistry is there.

@cravingthelook

So I told my friend all about my Thursday date, Mr Easy, I'm a bit worried because it's too easy and we are getting along well, communication is nice and consistent, he's after the same things as me. Sounds daft but I'm thinking ok so what's the catch.

Well she turned super sleuth. She's next level internet detective, but everything single thing she found out 100% corresponds with what he's told me.
So all that's left to do is go and meet him and see if the chemistry is there.

Good luck @craving just enjoy it and take it from there. 😘 hope it goes well!

@cravingthelook

So I told my friend all about my Thursday date, Mr Easy, I'm a bit worried because it's too easy and we are getting along well, communication is nice and consistent, he's after the same things as me. Sounds daft but I'm thinking ok so what's the catch.

Well she turned super sleuth. She's next level internet detective, but everything single thing she found out 100% corresponds with what he's told me.
So all that's left to do is go and meet him and see if the chemistry is there.

Gotta love friends like that