What is normal re contact with work colleagues outside of work?

[Chutneypearls]

This is really grating on me but I don’t know if my past is getting the better of me and I need some perspective. I am in my second marriage, been together 12 years or so now, 2 dc. I am older than dh by about 8 years. My ex dh cheated on me with an ex he’d reconnected with on Facebook and left me for her.

I literally have no idea what’s normal re boundaries with members of the opposite sex at work and what’s normal and acceptable re messaging anymore.

Dh and I have a great, normal, happy marriage. Nothing really to report. We’re very close, he doesn’t have any friends or social life outside of work and neither do I and that’s how it’s always been and we’ve always been happy with this (both of us quite introverted). He works close to home, spends all time at home, never works late or goes out apart from literally time he’s at work. Shares parenting equally etc etc.

He works in an office with mostly women. One of these women - someone in his team, not senior to him, or vice versa, same level- has become his friend and now they message each other a lot. He doesn’t hide his phone, I know all the passwords etc, he’s not sneaking out or doing anything dodgy, it’s just a lot of random shit chatty messages. And I don’t like it. But I don’t really feel I can say anything because it’s not a secret as such, and he mentions her and others at work, and it’s all just friendly... is this ok? Is this what others do with people they work with?

I’m trying to be okay about it but I don’t like the fact for example I’ve gone to move his phone this morning (usually make him a tea and put it next to his tea for him) and it’s flashed up with a message from her. I think if you’re messaging someone that early on a weekend it’s a bit weird - she’s mid 20s with a young child in a long term relationship herself. The message itself seems to be a sort of laugh at a meme type thing.

Anyway. Tell me what kind of contact you have with people you work with. If they’re men and you’re a woman do you message them outside of work about stuff? Do you think it’s okay for people to do that?

I haven’t said anything as I don’t want to be a controlling nag. But I’m sitting here feeling really weird about it.

Would you be feeling weird if it was a male friend he was texting?

It sounds perfectly innocent and normal to me. I wouldn't want my DH to police how I conducted my friendships with my work colleagues.

@sunflowersandbuttercups

Would you be feeling weird if it was a male friend he was texting?

It sounds perfectly innocent and normal to me. I wouldn't want my DH to police how I conducted my friendships with my work colleagues.

No not at all. And this is why I’m questioning myself and not him.

She puts kisses on the end and that annoys me too. But I know a lot of people do that.

I'm female and work in a male dominated industry, all of my colleagues are male except one. I have a friendship with one of my male colleagues where we do text each other outside of work. It is usually memes or chat about our colleagues, but we do share a lot of detail about our lives so if either have an important event the other will text in support. But it is 100% platonic, there would never be anything romantic at all. We are literally just mates.

If he's not hiding the messages from you and nothing you've read is suspicious then they could actually just be friends xx

I think it’s personal choice as to what contact you have outside work with your colleagues. I have a couple of friends at work that I regularly text with outside work. They both happen to be women, but in my previous workplace I used to message with the men in my very small team regularly. I’ve also worked places where I didn’t give my number out to anyone as I didn’t want to have contact outside work. There isn’t a “normal”.

I think that in and of itself it’s ok, but as you’re uncomfortable with it then you should speak to your husband about it. He’s probably got absolutely no inkling that you’d be a bit perturbed by it.

I put kisses at the end of all my messages - DH gets them, my mum gets them, and as a dog walker, even some of my clients get them!

It doesn't mean anything - to me it's just a way of showing the messages are friendly, if that makes sense, as some people think a message with no kisses means you're annoyed or angry.

I honestly think you're reading way too much into this. He's not hiding his phone or anything from you - he's just talking to a friend.

I don't think there is a 'normal' amount of contact, sometimes work colleagues become friends and then will be chatting outside of work as you would with any friend. We have a group whatsapp so just chat on there with colleagues.

Thank you. I needed to hear this. It’s reassuring.

I have a male colleague like this and we message each other frequently - text conversations, more so because we are working remotely. I described him to my DP as more than a colleague but not quite a friend. It’s all above board - I often read out messages to my DP if they’re funny or interesting. My DP has met him a few times and knows there’s nothing romantic going on.

Male or female chatting or texting outside work is weird IMO. In all the jobs I've worked/am working, keeping in touch after work has never happened.(unless some urgent query about a deadline or some such) We all chat, laugh (heck even flirt) but never feel the need to continue it into personal hours. Boundaries innit?

Trust your senses. Talk to your DH. Start off in a jokey, non confrontational tone. His reaction will tell you all you need to know. If the tables were turned wouldn't your DH raise an eyebrow if you had early morning texts from your colleagues? I bet he won't be wrining his hands, afraid he might be perceived a nag.

I have a v special colleague friend who is a man. He used to get in early every day and leave a jug of water and glass on my desk so I didn’t desiccate. I went to his wedding and 40th birthday parties and years after leaving the job, we still chat on the phone. Used to lunch probably weekly- wander to the shop and sit in one of our offices. I can categorically say there was nothing fancy in it. We talked work, families, school days - we had shared history slightly at odds with the working environment. In fact, am going to text him now as he’s been a more reliable and trusted friend over the years than most. Sometimes you’re lucky enough to find a good person in your work environment. His ownership of a cock didn’t get in the way of that, ever.

Thanks. See I think if the tables were turned dh would feel the same as me. But I don’t work - I have chronic long term disabilities that prevent me from working and one of our children has complex needs. So I’m not ever likely to be in that situation and that’s why I feel like I don’t know what’s normal anymore- when I last worked social media etc wasn’t really a thing! I fully admit that part of it is that I’m potentially feeling a bit down about myself and my own identity- I am working to change thing (work in progress, long story)!

I don’t want to make dh feel uncomfortable. He enjoys his job and finally seems happy - he’s not been happy in a job for a long time, and I feel if I make him feel awkward about things he’ll be isolated at work as he’s literally one of a handful of men!

It’s interesting hearing your views.

I think it's the frequency of the messages that would be my only issue. I have contact with Male and female colleagues but it's usually only brief exchanges now and again.

Having said that 1) it sounds like they are friends and 2) office working has been very different in the past year and keeping relationships going takes a bit more effort

It’s one of those situations where he’s not doing anything wrong, but it’s not right either. The frequency of texting is bothering you, so listen to your senses. At the moment, it’s platonic, but it could edge into emotional affair territory.

Maybe do as @Amparaali says and say something in a jokey, non-confrontational way. You can either say how weird it is for a 20+ year old is messaging her work colleague so frequently, and you wouldn’t have done that at that age.

I’ve got a strong relationship with colleagues, we don’t socialise at all out of work but do share a lot of in jokes via social media. One of them is a chap 10 yrs younger and we have such a similar sense of (insulting) humour that we message a fair amount. Literally nothing in it other than sense of humour though.

My male friend from work and I binge text. Nothing outside of work for a week or two, then a flurry of texts. Either a work rant we can't do at work or something about sci-fi series or films etc (our shared interest).

This is the way I communicate with all my friends. There is no change in pattern to my female work friends or outside work friends. If I stayed up late watching something I think he'd like, I'd text first thing in the morning to let him know.

I do think having no friends outside work other than each other puts unnecessary pressure on the relationship, even if you’re introverted. If you had other friends, you might feel a bit less anxious about this friendship. The reality is that it’s normal and healthy to have friendships outside the couple with people of both (all) genders. This might be an indication that he wants to expand his social life.

She is 20 something, how old is he?

I see he isn't friends with Barbara who is in her 40s or Mary in her 50s 🤔

I think things like this quickly turn into to an EA, talk about their relationships and the issues, have in jokes etc

I have texted male colleagues, but usually things like, can you bring some milk into work or we are out of teabags, do you know when Sally's back.

8.30 in the morning texts, he's in her head when she wakes up, not healthy.

Me, I would look at the messages

I text colleagues that become friends, mostly memes and pet photos in group chats. I also have former colleagues that I text individually, relatively regularly, because we are still good friends; and two of them are men - but it’s not a secret, never flirty (I talk about my husband a lot, they are always talking about their wives and kids) I’ll read the messages out to my husband sometimes if they’re particularly funny. I have gone to stay with the one that lives in the UK on my own when my husband couldn’t get leave - obviously his wife was there and we did stuff as a group with her and the kids! - I’ve invited the one that doesn’t live in the UK to bring his family to stay with us when that’s allowed... it’s secrecy that’s the red flag with this kind of thing I think.

In my case, as little as possible outside work, men and women. Working in London its fairly easy. Part of my way of achieving what is called in HR a work-life balance.

Well, he is friends with the women in their 50s etc too, and yes sometimes he does message them on Facebook. But not as often as this woman. But then being younger, the younger lot are more addicted to their phones and message more anyway don’t they? (You can tell I’m trying to see this from all angles....!)

He is 35. I am early 40s.

I am happy if he wants to become more social. I understand that need may have changed. I just feel a bit it doesn’t seem to have happened with a male friend, but then he doesn’t really meet men in his line of work.

I guess I am tying myself in circles because if this was a male friend I would have no issue. And I don’t want to cause issues where there are none but it just oversteps a line to me. I wonder what her partner would think or if he knows (obviously I’m not going to contact her or him or whatever, just wondering what he would think from the other side... they are both about 25 I think).

I used to work very closely with 2 guys, (all in stable relationships).
I once met one by chance walking the dog ... one thing lead to an other and we started meeting regularly for walks. Then the other guy started joining in and 2 more from different departments (one guy and one woman).
I thought it was great fun and acceptable... however it was very open and often partners would join us.
I currently work in a male dominated industry and having covid-19 bubbles also reduced the pool of people I can socialise at work... so we do talk about who is doing the coffee run and if we have a take out lunch ect. The other 5 people in my bubble are all par one male!
I think if you feel uncomfortable, you need to adress the issue.

I think you might create a problem where there isn't one. Think how awful it would be if he hated his work colleagues. Don't make an issue of a pleasant part of his life. But do check in on your own needs

Many of my friends, male and female, are current and former work colleagues. I like working with people whose company I enjoy, so it blurs a bit into personal time, especially as hours can be a bit variable in my line of work. Ages range from early 20s to early 60s, there is banter and general chit chat, plus genuine support, for example a few of us have lost loved ones in the last year. I don't see anything wrong, provided there are no secrets. I hope that perspective helps you.

I think it is a bit strange. I had relationships with men like this in my 20/30s before marriage and kids but now I'm not really close to any of my work colleagues. I don't think I'd like it much either. Do you feel comfortable talking to him and telling him this friendship is making you feel a bit uncomfortable?

The older I get, the less I feel comfortable with texting colleagues outside of work, whether male or female. But it's a shame in some ways, because I don't develop friendships at work like I did when I was younger.

There are colleagues that I respect and whose company I enjoy, but I don't try to make a friendship because I'm single and I don't want to cause any worry in their relationships.