What is normal re contact with work colleagues outside of work?

[Chutneypearls]

This is really grating on me but I don’t know if my past is getting the better of me and I need some perspective. I am in my second marriage, been together 12 years or so now, 2 dc. I am older than dh by about 8 years. My ex dh cheated on me with an ex he’d reconnected with on Facebook and left me for her.

I literally have no idea what’s normal re boundaries with members of the opposite sex at work and what’s normal and acceptable re messaging anymore.

Dh and I have a great, normal, happy marriage. Nothing really to report. We’re very close, he doesn’t have any friends or social life outside of work and neither do I and that’s how it’s always been and we’ve always been happy with this (both of us quite introverted). He works close to home, spends all time at home, never works late or goes out apart from literally time he’s at work. Shares parenting equally etc etc.

He works in an office with mostly women. One of these women - someone in his team, not senior to him, or vice versa, same level- has become his friend and now they message each other a lot. He doesn’t hide his phone, I know all the passwords etc, he’s not sneaking out or doing anything dodgy, it’s just a lot of random shit chatty messages. And I don’t like it. But I don’t really feel I can say anything because it’s not a secret as such, and he mentions her and others at work, and it’s all just friendly... is this ok? Is this what others do with people they work with?

I’m trying to be okay about it but I don’t like the fact for example I’ve gone to move his phone this morning (usually make him a tea and put it next to his tea for him) and it’s flashed up with a message from her. I think if you’re messaging someone that early on a weekend it’s a bit weird - she’s mid 20s with a young child in a long term relationship herself. The message itself seems to be a sort of laugh at a meme type thing.

Anyway. Tell me what kind of contact you have with people you work with. If they’re men and you’re a woman do you message them outside of work about stuff? Do you think it’s okay for people to do that?

I haven’t said anything as I don’t want to be a controlling nag. But I’m sitting here feeling really weird about it.

I regularly chat with colleagues outside of work. Mostly shared interests such as gardening and DIY projects. We did have a group chat but that had to be shut down as some people didn't understand the unwritten rules like not sending photos of exotic holiday destinations when everyone else is stuck at work.

My DH messages female friends/colleagues and I do the same with male friends/colleagues. But we trust that there's nothing beyond friendship going on.

I am quite close to one of my male colleagues and his girlfriend also works for the same company. We often include each other in three way group chats!

You spend a long time at work so it is great if you can make friends with the people you work with - makes working a pleasure imo.

Don't worry unduly OP.

I'm in a team of 2 at work with a man of a similar age to me. We know loads about each other's lives as we work so closely together all day every day, and we text a bit outside of work (mostly jokes, gossip, if we see something work/competitor related, pics of his puppy etc. Not daily by any means but usually a couple of times a week at least) and we have gone out for lunch together on a rare occasion, but I can assure you it is 110% platonic and innocent. I'm in a happy relationship and my colleague is happily single.

OP, do you think you're perhaps a little envious of his work and social life?

It's not a criticism - I think it's very normal for someone in your position to feel that way. I hope you're okay.

I don't have friends at work. The other people at my workplace are just people who , like me, are paid to be there.

My friends are my neighbours, people I've known since school, other mums, people I've met at the local pub etc.

I have male friends at work that I have a laugh with and might message in work hours - but not out of hours - but then I don't message female friends out of work hours either.

I think as long as it's all in the open and he's not hiding his phone etc then it's almost certainly nothing to worry about.

Interesting replies. Maybe I am a little envious. That may be true. I was always quite the high flying career minded woman before my various disabilities came and hit me in the face and yep I admit I do struggle with that sometimes. I am currently doing some online courses for my own well-being and I am undergoing a new experimental drug treatment for some of my issues (very difficult, chemo type drug with multiple regular blood tests etc) so I am hopeful things may improve, but they may not and I am mindful of that. I have never been social really, I was bullied badly at school and I feel like I don’t really understand friendships or people (!) so this is why it’s good to hear others perspectives.

I appreciate everyone being so kind. I am just feeling a bit vulnerable I think. And maybe old..?! I suddenly feel like here is this 25 year old woman, being vivacious and chatty and full of life... and here’s me...! But I know life is more complicated than that. Dh is a well rounded, intelligent individual (I wouldn’t have married him otherwise!) and often he does moan about her and says how gossipy she is etc. Maybe she’s just chatty and friendly with everyone? Some people are, aren’t they? But she does seem to message on and off most days I think. And that’s weird to me.

I think I’ll just see how things go and won’t say anything. The replies have made me realise it’s not that weird yet. If everyone was saying it was weird then I’d know I’d have to say something. But it’s more balanced which makes me think maybe it’s just my issues.

I find all this difficult because when I was in my early 20s this was how I’d behave if I fancied someone. So how does someone behave if they do fancy someone now? I genuinely don’t understand the world anymore...!

@MrsMoastyToasty That's a shame. I've had some colleagues over the years that have become close and cherished friends. Given how much time we spend at work I think it'd be quite sad to be indifferent to literally everyone there.

This is a 35yr old bloke, who is receiving regular text messages from his 20 something yr old colleague, at 8.30 in the morning.

Crossing a line

I’ve got to be honest, yes it would bother me, a 20 year old messaging my DH at 8.30 on a bank holiday morning.

The change in behaviour would concern me first, more than the actual messages.

And this > often he does moan about her and says how gossipy she is etc < sounds like a bit of ‘mentionitus’ to me.

And it’s funny that it’s never Gary the Middle Ages man from Accounts that these men suddenly form intense texting friendships with, is it?

*Aged

@Outbutnotoutout

This is a 35yr old bloke, who is receiving regular text messages from his 20 something yr old colleague, at 8.30 in the morning.

Crossing a line

Can you only text your friends at certain times now?

@sunflowersandbuttercups

You are deliberately missing the point

[quote Outbutnotoutout]@sunflowersandbuttercups

You are deliberately missing the point[/quote]
Am I? Well, can you explain to me what point are you trying to make? Because I genuinely don't get it.

I don't have any contact with males colleagues outside of work, it's too easy for the lines to get blurred.

@TeachesOfPeaches

I don't have any contact with males colleagues outside of work, it's too easy for the lines to get blurred.

That's a very restrictive way to choose to live your life.

@sunflowersandbuttercups Personally I think it's unacceptable to text another woman's husband early morning on a bank holiday and I say that as someone who has been a totally single parent for 5 years.

[quote TeachesOfPeaches]@sunflowersandbuttercups Personally I think it's unacceptable to text another woman's husband early morning on a bank holiday and I say that as someone who has been a totally single parent for 5 years.[/quote]
That's such an utterly bonkers way of thinking to me.

Why would you restrict your life to that extent? People are allowed to be friends with the opposite sex and text them whenever's convenient, surely?

[quote TeachesOfPeaches]@sunflowersandbuttercups Personally I think it's unacceptable to text another woman's husband early morning on a bank holiday and I say that as someone who has been a totally single parent for 5 years.[/quote]
This was my gut reaction too. Hence the initial post. I think it’s highly inappropriate on her part. But ... others clearly think that’s ok.

I would never ever contact a male married colleague out of work hours for a non- work reason, it's intrusive and disrespectful to the wife and their family time.

I find it strange that others think this is ok.

I wouldn't like it at all. It would make me feel insecure and uneasy. But that's how I am as a person. But I do understand people saying there is no issue with it and not to worry. He's not being secretive or sly about anything from what you say.

Have you tried to broach the subject with him? Does he know how you feel at all about it?

I am wondering if it’s an age thing maybe. It seems it’s normal to be glued to your phone and messaging everyone and posting on special media non stop if you’re 25 ish or under. I really don’t know. To that generation maybe it doesn’t seem odd at all as they’re doing it all the time?! To someone like me in their 40s it just seems odd and I wouldn’t message someone else’s dh like that at all.

He doesn’t have a single clue I’m bothered about it. None whatsoever.

There's no one set idea of normal when it comes to work friendships.
I've had some work friendships that were friends for a season in life and then when one of us moved on we drifted.
I've had other work friendships where we have remained friends and will hang out and message after we have both left.
I've also had work friendships that have turned into family friendships where we do things with our spouses and kids as well as on our own.

Me and DH have quite a small social circle and that suits us. Other friends of ours are social butterflies. Neither of us is right/wrong on work friends though.

Is there a chance that because neither of you have friends beyond each other you're possibly viewing this woman as a potential relationship threat?