What is normal re contact with work colleagues outside of work?

[Chutneypearls]

This is really grating on me but I don’t know if my past is getting the better of me and I need some perspective. I am in my second marriage, been together 12 years or so now, 2 dc. I am older than dh by about 8 years. My ex dh cheated on me with an ex he’d reconnected with on Facebook and left me for her.

I literally have no idea what’s normal re boundaries with members of the opposite sex at work and what’s normal and acceptable re messaging anymore.

Dh and I have a great, normal, happy marriage. Nothing really to report. We’re very close, he doesn’t have any friends or social life outside of work and neither do I and that’s how it’s always been and we’ve always been happy with this (both of us quite introverted). He works close to home, spends all time at home, never works late or goes out apart from literally time he’s at work. Shares parenting equally etc etc.

He works in an office with mostly women. One of these women - someone in his team, not senior to him, or vice versa, same level- has become his friend and now they message each other a lot. He doesn’t hide his phone, I know all the passwords etc, he’s not sneaking out or doing anything dodgy, it’s just a lot of random shit chatty messages. And I don’t like it. But I don’t really feel I can say anything because it’s not a secret as such, and he mentions her and others at work, and it’s all just friendly... is this ok? Is this what others do with people they work with?

I’m trying to be okay about it but I don’t like the fact for example I’ve gone to move his phone this morning (usually make him a tea and put it next to his tea for him) and it’s flashed up with a message from her. I think if you’re messaging someone that early on a weekend it’s a bit weird - she’s mid 20s with a young child in a long term relationship herself. The message itself seems to be a sort of laugh at a meme type thing.

Anyway. Tell me what kind of contact you have with people you work with. If they’re men and you’re a woman do you message them outside of work about stuff? Do you think it’s okay for people to do that?

I haven’t said anything as I don’t want to be a controlling nag. But I’m sitting here feeling really weird about it.

EarthSight
My issue is that some people (i can't remember if you were one) who seem to think that a healthy boundary is banning friendships with anyone married and that people should refrain from messaging people who are married in case their spouse doesn't like it. Neither of those are healthy boundaries.

I find it concerning that some people think it's acceptable for partners to be so dictatorial in the social lives of their partners.

Good for you op.

@Chutneypearls good for you. Forget about what is "normal". It has upset you and consequently it is a good idea to talk it over with DH. Get over this idea of rocking the boat or upsetting him.

[quote EarthSight]@NinthCircle It's the message equivalent of the phone ringing constantly, and every time it does, it's his female friend wanting to talk to him.

Even if that wasn't quite the issue, having Whatsapp pinging all day, having your partner constantly distracted or half in conversation with someone other people when they should be spending one-on-one, uninterrupted quality time with you is just rude and intrusive.[/quote]
It's the message equivalent of the phone ringing constantly, and every time it does, it's his female friend wanting to talk to him.

And he doesn't have to answer if he doesn't want to. If he's busy or doing something else, the friend can wait, no? But if she wants to message when it's convenient for her, that's normal and not remotely intrusive. You don't have to respond just because someone's chosen to message you at a certain time.

Even if that wasn't quite the issue, having Whatsapp pinging all day, having your partner constantly distracted or half in conversation with someone other people when they should be spending one-on-one, uninterrupted quality time with you is just rude and intrusive.

Who says they were spending one-on-one interrupted quality time together? I live with my DH, we certainly don't spend all day having "quality time" - especially at the moment. There's fuck all to be doing, for starters!

Have you met her OP? I felt like this about one of DH’s work colleagues but now she’s a friend of mine too.

Maybe use the phone analogy when you speak to dp. Also question why she has to mention/ moan about the work colleague again, especially on a bank holiday.

It all sounds perfectly normal. There doesn’t seem to be any evidence it’s more than friendship?

In terms of her being a woman - is it unusual in your friendship group for men and women to be friends? If so I can see it might make you feel uncomfortable, but it really isn’t unusual.

It sounds like you’ve had a tough few years and being stuck at home isn’t easy, but equally it isn’t reasonable for you to stop your partner having friends and a life. I think it’s absolutely fair enough you express your misgivings, but I think if you start banning your partner from talking with friends, or putting pressure on him not to, then it’s not all that healthy,

That's such an utterly bonkers way of thinking to me

Why would you restrict your life to that extent? People are allowed to be friends with the opposite sex and text them whenever's convenient, surely?

Most people wouldn’t be thinking about or texting even their dearest friends early on a bank holiday morning unless it was about meeting up that day or something.

I'm surprised he's pissed off at you for telling him how you feel. By the way which is totally ok and normal. Don't feel bad for setting a boundary - it's your marriage.

I think it's a bit much, it sounds like the talk is pretty constant. Maybe I'm old fashioned but work colleagues are just that. Colleagues. Texting on the weekend I would find odd. But then I'm married to a man who has his own friends 🤷🏻‍♀️

@partyatthepalace

It all sounds perfectly normal. There doesn’t seem to be any evidence it’s more than friendship?

In terms of her being a woman - is it unusual in your friendship group for men and women to be friends? If so I can see it might make you feel uncomfortable, but it really isn’t unusual.

It sounds like you’ve had a tough few years and being stuck at home isn’t easy, but equally it isn’t reasonable for you to stop your partner having friends and a life. I think it’s absolutely fair enough you express your misgivings, but I think if you start banning your partner from talking with friends, or putting pressure on him not to, then it’s not all that healthy,

I think it sounds pretty normal too. I think it seems abnormal to the OP in large part because this sounds like a deeply introverted household where any communication from friends is rare, so these messages loom large in a way they wouldn’t for other people.

I think it sounds pretty normal too. I think it seems abnormal to the OP in large part because this sounds like a deeply introverted household where any communication from friends is rare, so these messages loom large in a way they wouldn’t for other people

It isn’t ‘normal’ to message a friend all day when you have a life to be getting on with. People have conversations, then the conversation ends. Blaming the OP for being introverted or ‘controlling’ is abhorrent. It feels off to her, it’s probably off. The fact that he defaulted to deleting the app is also indicative that he knows it’s off. I’ve been in numerous workplaces in my time and every single particular ‘friendship’ between two opposite sex colleagues has turned out to be something more. Every one. People on here are so disingenuous.

@sunflowersandbuttercups I appreciate that, yes. I don't imagine that most people will spend 12 hours quality time with each other, even on the weekend with nothing to do! And yes, it's his decision at the end of the day to respond or not & when to do that.

I do think it’s weird, mainly because from what you’ve said, it’s out of character for your DH to act this way.

My DH works in a female dominated industry and to my knowledge he never messages those colleagues outside of work unless it’s for a work related reason. He doesn’t often share his mobile number either as most work contacting is via email. He would meet up for work socials now and again (pre Covid), but these tend to be group meals with drinks at the pub a few times a year.

Whatever people say, I do think I’d personally find it strange and possibly suspicious if my DH was suddenly / regularly messaging (and mentioning) a much younger female colleague. I think my DH would also be a little wary too, he’d be a bit concerned about inappropriateness.

You should be able to bring this up with your DH and say it’s making you feel uncomfortable. It’s not nagging.

@PinkTonic

I think it sounds pretty normal too. I think it seems abnormal to the OP in large part because this sounds like a deeply introverted household where any communication from friends is rare, so these messages loom large in a way they wouldn’t for other people

It isn’t ‘normal’ to message a friend all day when you have a life to be getting on with. People have conversations, then the conversation ends. Blaming the OP for being introverted or ‘controlling’ is abhorrent. It feels off to her, it’s probably off. The fact that he defaulted to deleting the app is also indicative that he knows it’s off. I’ve been in numerous workplaces in my time and every single particular ‘friendship’ between two opposite sex colleagues has turned out to be something more. Every one. People on here are so disingenuous.

Well, I’ve had several lasting opposite-sex friendships at work and we’ve all remained happily married without a whiff of anything sexual, and I’m continually astonished at the amount of messaging and ‘checking in’ by message considered normal among friends on Mn.

The OP says neither of them have any friendships or social life at all, and that her husband literally never leaves the house apart from going to work, and that this is how it’s always been, and they’re both happy with that. But maybe the OP’s husband is tired is living such a friendless existence. People change.

@partyatthepalace No it isn't unusual, nor it is always something to be concerned about, however I do think it's interesting when men (particular introverted men who aren't normally very social) end up with female friends that happen to be younger than them. Just the other month another woman was on here because she felt uncomfortable with the amount of time her husband speaking to and gaming online a new pretty, young female colleague who was 'cool' and into the same tech things he was. Funny that isn't it? How so often they manage to find the time they couldn't find for male friends, how introverts suddenly become more social, how suddenly there's more direct contact involved when the friend just so happens to be a younger woman, a woman they are in regular contact with in real life so it's not just random person they are playing a game with every now and again in a team.

In this case, I think the man is also friendly with some of the older female co-workers too, but it happens to be this woman who seems have the most contact with. If her husband was an extrovert and was the type to talk to everyone and anyone, who seems to be one of those people who make friends wherever they go, I wouldn't think as much of it, but I'm reading this behavior in the context that the OP has outlined. I wouldn't necessarily say there's definitely something to worry about, and approaching this in the wrong way could really backfire, but I do sympathise with why the OP feels the way she's feeling.

Btw- I was 'the friend' once who also thought, erroneously, that everything was platonic. He was more of a friendly acquaintance really (a colleague) and he dropped me like a stone when things didn't develop the way he clearly had planned. Very embarrassing.

It isn’t ‘normal’ to message a friend all day when you have a life to be getting on with. People have conversations, then the conversation ends.

In your world, maybe, but it's certainly not the same for everyone.

And let's be fair, there's not much to be doing at the moment. People have been stuck indoors with their partners for months on end, and many are working from home or furloughed - quality time it ain't.

If he's tired of living a friendless existence I'm curious as to why would his first port of call be to 'make friends' with a 25 yo woman colleague rather than guys his own age that would he would have far more in common with!

Hmmm. I have never said I have issues with dh having friends as such or deciding that my own (chosen) introverted life isn’t for him. That’s absolutely fine and I am actually- despite this thread- generally very laid back. When I met dh he did have a specific hobby he was into and used to meet up with friends to do this but when we moved (10 years ago now) there was nowhere local to do this so it fizzled out and he lost contact with those friends (male). I have suggested many times that he try to start up a group locally or that he travels to do this activity but he said he isn’t keen. And that’s fine, people change don’t they. And they can change again and that’s fine too.

I think people who have busy, socially active lives can’t understand our set up and that’s fine, it’s hard to understand something that’s the polar opposite of what you like but that doesn’t mean something is wrong with living the way we do. I feel the same way about going out somewhere in the evening to be surrounded be people- for me that would be, and always has been, absolute hell on Earth. But if others enjoy it go ahead!

We live a happy (generally!) quiet life, revolving around doing stuff with the dc and we enjoy reading things and discussing things and watching stuff on tv together, doing stuff to our house, holidays etc. It isn’t a boring or empty life at all. Just we don’t have a social life outside of each other and the odd interaction with people through the dc or through dhs work.

I haven’t told him he can’t be friends with her. I’ve just said the amount of messaging makes me uncomfortable and I think messaging first thing and then all day oversteps a line I’m ok with. If it was a group chat or the occasional tag in something I would be okay with that. I’m not an ogre.

I do still feel maybe I’m wrong feeling the way I do. The replies are very mixed. I’m still in a muddle about it all. Still reading and processing.

@Rubyrecka

If he's tired of living a friendless existence I'm curious as to why would his first port of call be to 'make friends' with a 25 yo woman colleague rather than guys his own age that would he would have far more in common with!

This is how I feel.

@NinthCircle

the OP says neither of them have any friendships or social life at all, and that her husband literally never leaves the house apart from going to work, and that this is how it’s always been, and they’re both happy with that. But maybe the OP’s husband is tired is living such a friendless existence. People change

I would be sympathetic to that. In the current circumstances/climate maybe he could do with a friend. Probably do him some good. However, I do raise an eyebrow at how so often these friends who suddenly appear on the scene MUST be young women. So often. Like, is it a essential part of the job description or something??

@Rubyrecka

If he's tired of living a friendless existence I'm curious as to why would his first port of call be to 'make friends' with a 25 yo woman colleague rather than guys his own age that would he would have far more in common with!

Because at the moment he's doing nothing apart from work as everywhere else is closed?

I’d be feeling uncomfortable about this, and irritated. It’s intrusive. I personally wouldn’t be messaging a married guy in their free time unless it was once in a blue moon for a specific reason.

I fully understand with Covid there are limited chances to make friends with people and genuinely he really does only work with women. Well, there is one other man (in a fairly large office) and he is friends with him but they don’t message each other like him and this woman.

He does belong to some online groups - as do I - and chats to people on them and I have no issue with this because it’s not one specific person all the time.

I feel angry with her because I think it’s just so inappropriate and disrespectful on her part. She knows he’s at home with us and it’s intrusive. As if she keeps popping up to say remember me?! I feel like she thinks she’s being clever and subtle and she really isn’t. Well, that’s how I feel anyway.

Dh isn’t really speaking to me now, but that isn’t unusual when we argue about anything, not specific to this. I’ve just left him to it to come to bed and when he’s had time to think / calm down we tend to talk things through then. So I’ll see how it goes.

@Rubyrecka

If he's tired of living a friendless existence I'm curious as to why would his first port of call be to 'make friends' with a 25 yo woman colleague rather than guys his own age that would he would have far more in common with!

Because she’s there, in his largely-female workplace and he sees her at work the way you do? Because that way someone who, from the OP’s account is reluctant to go out and make new friends, runs into someone is a low-key, low-pressure way and finds they get along? Because not everyone defaults to thinking they only have stuff in common with someone of their age and their sex? One of my closest friends (met at work at an old job) is only two years younger than my father. DH had a close work friendship (sadly cut short by her death) in his 30s with a woman in her late 50s.

I find a lot of men with largely female friendships aren’t interested in common group male bonding stuff like football, for instance.

And I’ve never suggested introversion is in any way ‘wrong’. But I think for the OP to imply that the life she lives is typical of your average introvert is way off — the majority of introverts have friendships. I’m an introvert myself.

Maybe she’s the one who extended the hand of friendship to him — that was certainly the case with me and the work friend I described up the thread. In my life asking someone you met and liked if they wanted a coffee or lunch is completely normal — I’ve moved around a lot, and I have no issues with making overtures to someone I like rather than waiting for them to come to me — and I only realised maybe a year later that it wasn’t normal for him, that, like the OP’s husband, he only left the house to go to work and didn’t have other friends. So his wife was baffled by the appearance of a friendship that for me was completely ordinary — there were at least three other people at that job I would also see outside of work occasionally and have mobile numbers for — but loomed very large in their life because he was so solitary.

It’s possible he presents as less introverted in the workplace and she has no idea he doesn’t have lots of other friends in regular contact.

Xpodted with you, @Chutneypearls.isn’t it just as likely she has no idea what a big deal her messages are in your household? That she has no idea his life is so friend-free that her messages constitute both a major event and an annoyance?

How frequently is she texting? And does your DH keep replying?