What is normal re contact with work colleagues outside of work?

[Chutneypearls]

This is really grating on me but I don’t know if my past is getting the better of me and I need some perspective. I am in my second marriage, been together 12 years or so now, 2 dc. I am older than dh by about 8 years. My ex dh cheated on me with an ex he’d reconnected with on Facebook and left me for her.

I literally have no idea what’s normal re boundaries with members of the opposite sex at work and what’s normal and acceptable re messaging anymore.

Dh and I have a great, normal, happy marriage. Nothing really to report. We’re very close, he doesn’t have any friends or social life outside of work and neither do I and that’s how it’s always been and we’ve always been happy with this (both of us quite introverted). He works close to home, spends all time at home, never works late or goes out apart from literally time he’s at work. Shares parenting equally etc etc.

He works in an office with mostly women. One of these women - someone in his team, not senior to him, or vice versa, same level- has become his friend and now they message each other a lot. He doesn’t hide his phone, I know all the passwords etc, he’s not sneaking out or doing anything dodgy, it’s just a lot of random shit chatty messages. And I don’t like it. But I don’t really feel I can say anything because it’s not a secret as such, and he mentions her and others at work, and it’s all just friendly... is this ok? Is this what others do with people they work with?

I’m trying to be okay about it but I don’t like the fact for example I’ve gone to move his phone this morning (usually make him a tea and put it next to his tea for him) and it’s flashed up with a message from her. I think if you’re messaging someone that early on a weekend it’s a bit weird - she’s mid 20s with a young child in a long term relationship herself. The message itself seems to be a sort of laugh at a meme type thing.

Anyway. Tell me what kind of contact you have with people you work with. If they’re men and you’re a woman do you message them outside of work about stuff? Do you think it’s okay for people to do that?

I haven’t said anything as I don’t want to be a controlling nag. But I’m sitting here feeling really weird about it.

@NinthCircle

Xpodted with you, *@Chutneypearls*.isn’t it just as likely she has no idea what a big deal her messages are in your household? That she has no idea his life is so friend-free that her messages constitute both a major event and an annoyance?

How frequently is she texting? And does your DH keep replying?

Yes this is completely possible. As I’ve said upthread she may just be the type of person who messages everyone non stop. I really don’t know. And I don’t know how many messages per day, I haven’t checked his phone and I won’t, but I can say he must have replied to the one this morning at least as she’s then messaged again later. And I do see him tapping away and his phone buzzing a lot during the day, and it’s only that particular app that does that and it’s only her he talks to her on that. So I suspect it’s on and off all day. I don’t even know what they find to talk about. Personally I would find it annoying if someone messaged me that much unless I was romantically interested in them.

Dh isn’t a typical “mans man”. He has zero interest in sports and stuff like that. We are both quite nerdy, geeky almost. This woman is almost the extreme opposite of me. Chatty, loud, no interest in any of the same things. I just find it all so odd. But accept a lot of it is working closely together with someone and building that bond with them.

The point is the context. I'm assuming that he doesn't / hasn't previously had a group of female friends therefore this particular friendship it out of the ordinary. And it appears the communication has gone from 0-60 - I don't care how friendly you are, most work colleagues don't text 1 on 1 every single day!

It's more than reducing it to just age and sex 🙄 it's where u are in your life, hobbies, similar interests etc. All they seem to have in common is moaning about the same colleague!

I am still bemused with people sharing memes and jokes with colleagues on your personal phone/ social media.

I contact some colleagues outside of work hours on our personal phones. It's quite normal.

Teams/Slack is where we share all kinds of crap. DURING OFFICE HOURS

See, we're not allowed to use work emails or work phones or teams for jokes and these kind of memes. Business purposes only and we confirm that every day we login.

I contact some colleagues outside of work hours on our personal phones.

I wouldn't have an issue if a female colleague was sending DH jokes or memes. He wouldn't have a problem if a male colleague sent similar to me either.

I do read pit or sometimes forward him some funny stuff that has been sent to me and I'll say this guy or lady work with sent it or I might say the name.. My colleague Matt sent this

Neither of us pay particular attention to the others phone tbh.

One of my male colleagues has become a very good friend of mine and we text most days. Sharing memes or just generally catching up, talking about work etc, we’re in a group chat with another colleague too so we chat on there mostly unless we know one of us is on nights and likely sleeping.

Theres nothing to it other than friendship.

The one thing that sounds a little off, is why do they have a specific app to communicate that he doesn't use to communicate to anyone else with.

I appreciate everyone's different, but these days text and WhatsApp are the most common ones. If it's anything different I'd be curious.

I think I'd be pissed off if my DH started expressing his view with my communication with a colleague and I knew there was nothing to it, more than friendship.

I've previously been unhappy with his contact with someone and I told him, but she was an Ex and I felt justified, given the nature of conversation they'd previously had during our marriage.

It could be nothing and certainly sounds so from your DP’s side as he isn’t keeping it a secret from you. However, in my experience when friends of the opposite sex get together in chat or meeting up usually one of them has romantic feelings for the other.

I meant to add - even if they don’t admit it at first.

Have any men responded in this thread? I can't really tell.

As women, we are capable of 100% platonic relationships with men, so we assume men are the same.

www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/

OP I work with all men and have done for yrs.One I've known for 15 yrs.Ive been messaged by some of them and chat about XYZ all the time.
We work v long days together and it isn't my fault they are male.
I think my dh used to think hang on they are men know he doesn't question it.
I would ask your dh and see how he responds.

Personally I would find it annoying if someone messaged me that much unless I was romantically interested in them.

But it's not fair to expect your partner to feel the same way. If he didn't like talking to her he wouldn't keep texting.

He's not hiding his phone or keeping the conversation a secret and I think you risk causing a big row and a lot of resentment simply because you appear to be incredibly introverted in terms of your social life.

Most people want something more than that.

Most people wouldn’t be thinking about or texting even their dearest friends early on a bank holiday morning unless it was about meeting up that day or something.

I've just sent 5 Whatsapp messages to friends and acquaintances of varying degrees of closeness on a bank holiday morning. It's because I'm a morning person, been up for ages, DP's still asleep and I probably won't have time later.

I feel angry with her because I think it’s just so inappropriate and disrespectful on her part. She knows he’s at home with us and it’s intrusive.

Sorry, I really don't understand this. You can't get mad at someone for messaging when it's convenient for them. Whenever I message anyone I'm aware that they might be in the middle of something else, or with their families, or in work, or whatever - a message does not intrude on that because they're at liberty to respond whenever they want!

@SandyY2K

The one thing that sounds a little off, is why do they have a specific app to communicate that he doesn't use to communicate to anyone else with.

I appreciate everyone's different, but these days text and WhatsApp are the most common ones. If it's anything different I'd be curious.

I think I'd be pissed off if my DH started expressing his view with my communication with a colleague and I knew there was nothing to it, more than friendship.

I've previously been unhappy with his contact with someone and I told him, but she was an Ex and I felt justified, given the nature of conversation they'd previously had during our marriage.

In fairness, @SandyY2K, this man apparently doesn’t have any other friends at all, so there’s literally no one else he could be communicating with — it’s not that he has one app for everyone else and a special one for her.

@Chutneypearls, I would personally find that level of contact annoying too (including if I were romantically interested in the texter!) but I am fairly introverted myself and seldom the one initiating contact even with longtime friends who are important to me. (There have been so many threads on here from people complaining about their friends not ‘checking in’ regularly during Covid, and I am absolutely the friend who doesn’t.)

But it does sound as though your husband is very inexperienced at friendship, so it’s possible she’s just someone who messages everyone all the time because she’s a chatty, full-on social type, and he is quite enjoying the novelty of having a new friend who’s so unlike him, and doesn’t get that a random meme or observation about Sandra from Accounts doesn’t have to be answered immediately, or indeed at all. It’s possible he imagines she’s sitting waiting for him to continue the conversation, when in fact, she’s also in four group chats simultaneously.

“ She knows he’s at home with us and it’s intrusive.”

In many ways, that’s the nub of the matter. Her texting continually is intrusive. Why the need to continually communicate with your work colleagues?

Early morning messages and interacting all day long outside work?

Chutney, I too would feel uncomfortable with this over-frequent level of contact. This would be crossing a line in my marriage.

Messaging is not intrusive. Put your phone on silent. Turn off notifications. Mute any group chats or contacts who are a bit much.

@Standrewsschool

“ She knows he’s at home with us and it’s intrusive.”

In many ways, that’s the nub of the matter. Her texting continually is intrusive. Why the need to continually communicate with your work colleagues?

But he clearly doesn't find it intrusive - if he did, he wouldn't encourage the conversation by replying.

@MsDogLady

Early morning messages and interacting all day long outside work?

Chutney, I too would feel uncomfortable with this over-frequent level of contact. This would be crossing a line in my marriage.

So if your husband decided your level of contact with a friend was over-frequent, would you just happily cut back on their say-so?

OP has admitted a big part of her problem is because the colleague is female and she has said upthread she likely wouldn't mind if it was a man he was texting.

Posted too soon. The frequency here seems intense to me. He is channeling so much of his energy, time and attention into this woman. They are potentially building an inappropriate connection.

She is in her 20’s, how old is DH. I only ask as a male colleague of mine texts me at random times (never anything inappropriate) and I just assumed he keeps different hours, I doubt she’s put any thought into the timing of her messages..See a meme message late at night reply in the morning when you are sorting your child out seems normal to me. It’s the content of the messages that would be important and your access or lack of to said messages.

He's 35 OP said

@MsDogLady

Posted too soon. The frequency here seems intense to me. He is channeling so much of his energy, time and attention into this woman. They are potentially building an inappropriate connection.

Or maybe they're friends because they work together, and he has no option to really do anything else at the moment due to COVID, and neither does she.

I suspect when things open up and people can start going out again, it will die down naturally. At the moment what is there to do? You can't go shopping, you can't go to the pub or for a meal - yes you can meet outside but it was seven degrees here yesterday, so hardly an enticing option!

If OP's partner was unhappy with the frequency of communication then he's a grown up and more than capable of saying something for himself.

Not having any friends is a little unusual (For you both) so maybe he values having a friend. The fact he is open with his phone is good and so from his perspective it’s unlikely to be anything. Some of my oldest friends are work colleagues of the opposite sex and nothing has ever developed from them. I am still in contact with three ex colleagues who I have known for 25 years.

Many posters here aren't seeing the wood for the trees. We are all (me included) coming at it from our own personal experiences and values. "Oh I have a male colleague who is also my friend for 15 years" "My colleagues are such a hoot we share everything" and so on...

If we look at it from a very pared down perspective, a partnered human finds her spouse expending time and energy on another female. This female is unknown but younger and could be a potential sexual rival. If this happened to me I would feel disconcerted. Even a bit threatened. I think this is natural from a purely biological, hind- brain point of view.

The fact it is a colleague, a tennis instructor, your mum's neighbour: that is all irrelevant. So is the fact of the introverted personality. Or the fact Covid has restricted activities. That is all complicated what-aboutery.

Reality: OP is not happy with this level of contact between her husband And another woman. Her feelings are perfectly legitimate. And I for one wouldn't gaslight her.

And before anyone asks: if my DH was uneasy about the level of contact I had with my male friends, I would definitely take a closer look at myself. This can be successfully handled in an intimate, non-abusive relationship. (I can't stress the last point enough. It's one thing to forbid ypur spouse talking to members of the opposite sex, yet another to have respectful boundaries you are both comfortable with)

@Amrapaali

Many posters here aren't seeing the wood for the trees. We are all (me included) coming at it from our own personal experiences and values. "Oh I have a male colleague who is also my friend for 15 years" "My colleagues are such a hoot we share everything" and so on...

If we look at it from a very pared down perspective, a partnered human finds her spouse expending time and energy on another female. This female is unknown but younger and could be a potential sexual rival. If this happened to me I would feel disconcerted. Even a bit threatened. I think this is natural from a purely biological, hind- brain point of view.

The fact it is a colleague, a tennis instructor, your mum's neighbour: that is all irrelevant. So is the fact of the introverted personality. Or the fact Covid has restricted activities. That is all complicated what-aboutery.

Reality: OP is not happy with this level of contact between her husband And another woman. Her feelings are perfectly legitimate. And I for one wouldn't gaslight her.

And before anyone asks: if my DH was uneasy about the level of contact I had with my male friends, I would definitely take a closer look at myself. This can be successfully handled in an intimate, non-abusive relationship. (I can't stress the last point enough. It's one thing to forbid ypur spouse talking to members of the opposite sex, yet another to have respectful boundaries you are both comfortable with)

Then this is a matter for them and not us, ask a question on a forum and you will get people’s opinions/anecdotes. I would have thought that much would be obvious.

Reality: OP is not happy with this level of contact between her husband And another woman. Her feelings are perfectly legitimate. And I for one wouldn't gaslight her.

They may be legitimate but that doesn't make them rational or an acceptable reason to try and curtail her husbands' friendships imo.

If she's not happy of course she should speak up - as she has done.