What is normal re contact with work colleagues outside of work?

[Chutneypearls]

This is really grating on me but I don’t know if my past is getting the better of me and I need some perspective. I am in my second marriage, been together 12 years or so now, 2 dc. I am older than dh by about 8 years. My ex dh cheated on me with an ex he’d reconnected with on Facebook and left me for her.

I literally have no idea what’s normal re boundaries with members of the opposite sex at work and what’s normal and acceptable re messaging anymore.

Dh and I have a great, normal, happy marriage. Nothing really to report. We’re very close, he doesn’t have any friends or social life outside of work and neither do I and that’s how it’s always been and we’ve always been happy with this (both of us quite introverted). He works close to home, spends all time at home, never works late or goes out apart from literally time he’s at work. Shares parenting equally etc etc.

He works in an office with mostly women. One of these women - someone in his team, not senior to him, or vice versa, same level- has become his friend and now they message each other a lot. He doesn’t hide his phone, I know all the passwords etc, he’s not sneaking out or doing anything dodgy, it’s just a lot of random shit chatty messages. And I don’t like it. But I don’t really feel I can say anything because it’s not a secret as such, and he mentions her and others at work, and it’s all just friendly... is this ok? Is this what others do with people they work with?

I’m trying to be okay about it but I don’t like the fact for example I’ve gone to move his phone this morning (usually make him a tea and put it next to his tea for him) and it’s flashed up with a message from her. I think if you’re messaging someone that early on a weekend it’s a bit weird - she’s mid 20s with a young child in a long term relationship herself. The message itself seems to be a sort of laugh at a meme type thing.

Anyway. Tell me what kind of contact you have with people you work with. If they’re men and you’re a woman do you message them outside of work about stuff? Do you think it’s okay for people to do that?

I haven’t said anything as I don’t want to be a controlling nag. But I’m sitting here feeling really weird about it.

I’ve said more or less what I’ve said here, and that if he wants to have friends he needs to cultivate these elsewhere.

Wow. I'm trying to imagine a thread where a man says that to his wife about her making friends at work.

Right yuccaplant ?

I'm a bit unnerved about the impact of a work friend messaging you quite a bit out of work times.

Right that's it! I'm deleting my ALL my social media and I'll never talk to her again!!

etc etc.

Real mature response to a spouse voicing their feelings.

Su
Z

You’re not being an arse, your instincts were activated by him being super engaged with his phone, frequency of messages, younger woman.

I would say it’s probably certain that he has at least a minor crush on her. Sorry, you’re right to speak your mind, it’s not being controlling, it’s having boundaries.

I know this thread was started a while ago, but I just wanted to see how things are op?
I get where you are coming from. At the beginning of lockdown my husband was constantly in touch with a new female boss.
She had worked with him for years but this was now a new position.
She became so needy, So much she was WhatsApp calling him at the weekend and if she didn't get a reply she would try again.
She would also call on teams when she knew I was at work in the afternoon and this made me feel very uncomfortable.
On his birthday my parents phoned his phone then he passed it to me. I pretended I was still on the phone and snooped. I came across tons of messages between them including a link to a specific friends episode - 'remember this!'. I went ballistic because like you I have ongoing chronic health and it made me feel so disappointed in him.

Yes I spoilt his birthday, but he should have told her to back off.
since I had a talk about her, she has stopped contacting him and they only speak on teams meetings now not 'one to one'.

So I really felt for you when I read this and do always dm me if you ever need a chat. X

Blimey, I’m Godmother to my work colleagues son and generally message every day or so, sometimes we moan about other colleagues.

@Outbutnotoutout

This is a 35yr old bloke, who is receiving regular text messages from his 20 something yr old colleague, at 8.30 in the morning.

Crossing a line

I agree. I've been having a think about what is and isn't appropriate in this scenario. Yes of course it's ok if he gets on well with his work colleague but pre work, early morning messaging?? Wtf?

If this was a work colleague I'd be friendly but I probably wouldn't be responding to every message. I find constant messaging a bit of a drag and wouldn't want to encourage it. I'd probably back away from a 20 something extravert male who was sending me texts in the am before work. Unless of course we were discussing a project that we were working on or preparing for a meeting that day.

The thing is, he's responding but he's an 'introvert' - it doesn't make sense. Most introverts (I'm a mixture of both) need time away from people in order to recharge and they can take or leave relationships. I need loads of me time and certainly wouldn't be happy with texts first thing and at the weekend etc It's a bit much. The issue is that he's reciprocating here. I'd also find it a bit strange from a bloke as well. How many people's partner's friends are messaging work colleagues with funny memes before they've got out of bed?

I can see why the OP is concerned.

I couldn't be arsed tapping away all day to a colleague bitching about everyone. She'll be bitching about him soon.

I would feel the same as you op and I think he's massively over reacted.