My son keeps hitting OH's affair child

[Tored]

I've name changed as I don't like to discuss this under my regular username but I'm a frequent poster and I'm sure a few of you will recognise my story.

A few years ago my OH cheated when I was 38 weeks pregnant, that ONS resulted in a baby being conceived. My DS is 3 and the child conceived is now 2.

I decided to stay (judge that how you will) and thus I have accepted OW's child as part of a blended family, she comes here weekly.

I have no negative feelings towards her and have grown to like her but the same cannot be said for our DS who is three and has autism.

He has other half siblings he gets on well with (older ones) and shows no aggression towards them but he will not take to this little girl and every time she's here he make a beeline for her to hit and push.

We do everything we need to like keeping them apart and reinforcing that it's not ok to hit, hitting has consequences etc but as he's autistic he doesn't actually grasp that.

Should I be suggesting OH has his contact elsewhere for both of their sakes? It's exhausting, upsetting to see and isn't changing despite best efforts to integrate them.

She has been coming here weekly for approx 8 months now.

What happens when he hurts her?

My DD was like this with a cousin

She would have time out on a chair in the same room and I’d make a fuss of DN played games etc and she would be warned to ‘be nice’ and she can play

They were soon ok together

Maybe don’t call her the ‘affair child’ ?!

@BluebellsGreenbells

What happens when he hurts her?

My DD was like this with a cousin

She would have time out on a chair in the same room and I’d make a fuss of DN played games etc and she would be warned to ‘be nice’ and she can play

They were soon ok together

She cries, one of us intervenes and removes him from the situation.

He's told firmly "no hitting, kind hands" and redirected to play elsewhere.

She will be comforted and soothed.

They can't be left to play unsupervised for any period of time at all because he makes a beeline for her.

If he gets upset with something totally unrelated he seeks her out to hit, she can be minding her own business playing with toys or watching the TV and he'll run over and shove/hit her.

You mean his younger sibling, not “affair child”. I doubt your three year old knows the history. This could have happened if you’d had another child.

Stop thinking of the situation as linked to the affair. This is a straight “my child is hitting another child” problem.

@Hyppogriff

Maybe don’t call her the ‘affair child’ ?!

She is the result of an affair.

I deal in facts.

However, I have made a conscious effort to welcome her and I'm kind to her. She's a lovely child.

@PurpleDaisies

You mean his younger sibling, not “affair child”. I doubt your three year old knows the history. This could have happened if you’d had another child.

Stop thinking of the situation as linked to the affair. This is a straight “my child is hitting another child” problem.

I've explained it how it is, obviously I don't refer to her as that anywhere else but here.

If I didn't include those details I would be accused of drip feeding.

How I refer to her here has no baring on the way she is treat when she is here, I'm very kind and warm towards her.

I decided to stay (judge that how you will) and thus I have accepted OW's child as part of a blended family, she comes here weekly.

Your title refers to her as an 'affair child', that's not acceptance or acceptable.

Regardless whether you deal in facts or not, she is his child and your child's half sibling. It's a really nasty way to describe a small child, who has nothing to do with what your ex did.

This has nothing to do with his younger sibling being an affair child. Really awful turn of phrase imo. Look more into ASD behaviour and you will find a lot of ASD children struggle with younger children. Also even though his sibling comes say once a week it still won't feel like much if a routine yet and so he's seeing her as a disruption or change to his routine.

Perseverance is key. As he gets older you can keep reminding him when she's coming, like a countdown. It will get easier.

I take it they aren't left unsupervised to play together so how is he getting to her before one of you stop him?
What consequences does he have after hitting her?

Jesus Christ, people can't win with you lot.

SHE IS THE OW's CHILD, CONCEIVED IN INFIDELITY

They are facts.

No baring on how she is treat.

Don't mention something... drip feeding.

Lay it out as it is... being horrible.

I want advice on how to deal with the situation between the children, not nit picking thanks.

However, I have made a conscious effort to welcome her and I'm kind to her. She's a lovely child.

Unfortunately, your subconscious is clearly running the show, when you call her the 'affair child'. I'm hoping this is not real, because if it is, it's very sad. Assuming it is real, are you having any kind of counselling? Having to blend with 2 other families, and an affair, and autism is a lot to manage and it's no wonder if some of your (crappy) DH's choices are giving you difficult emotional reactions.

How is he with younger children in general?

Where else could your DH have proper contact with the child? Other than going to her mother’s house. It doesn’t seem fair that because your child hits her that she should see her dad for short visits out of the house.

My son is autistic and did go through a phase of smacking. He usually would hit hit little sister simply because his older siblings were out at school more. We had to supervise at every second, not pulling them apart once he had hit her but be sitting over him so we could intervene before he hit her. Even if I went to the toilet I took one of them with me. Stopping it before it started seemed to break the habit then eventually as he got older and could understand a bit more it stopped.

Taking other matters out of it it is quite clearly your own child at fault here and, as you say, you need to deal effectively with his behaviour or they have to have contact elsewhere or it is not fair on the little girl and she will be scared of him.

I expect he reacts this way with her and not the older half sibs because he is jealous and sees her as a threat. He'd likely be the same if you had another child. You need to get him to see her as a positive. He needs to get praised for good behaviour towards her as well as punished for bad. She could maybe bring him a gift when she comes or you have a family treat on days she is there so he associates her with getting good things.

Crossed posts - thank you.

I suspect the root of his behaviour is jealousy, I may be wrong and hope I am.

They aren't left unsupervised together but do have to spend time in the same room, eating etc.

Everything can be fine, everyone is peacefully doing whatever they're doing and then DS will run across the room to get to her.

When he does this he's removed from the situation, told in no uncertain terms not to hit and why, then they're kept apart for a period of time.

The problem is it's every week.

She is fine with DS, she has never provoked him or hit back, the issue is solely his aggression towards her.

I'm worried that it's going to get to the stage where she's traumatised/scared to come or it will adversely affect her later on.

Sorry but your whole way of speaking about this poor child does indicate that it does have a bearing on how you view her and treat her even if subconsciously. You have clearly not accepted what has happened or her. This is going to lead to more problems for her (and you all) if not properly and urgently addressed. None of it is her fault.

He’s autistic and 3, there is no hope of this changing without specialist intervention techniques and they’ll take a long time to implement. Best thing for everyone is if your DP sees the girl elsewhere.

"He gets it from you" - Well that's complete rubbish because I'm nothing but nice to her. I have no animosity toward her whatsoever.

Most of the time he's ok with other children but there has been a handful of occasions at nursery where he has hit out, usually there's a trigger (like a child taking his toy or knocking over his tower) but in this case there are no triggers, she doesn't do anything to provoke him whatsoever.

He's told firmly "no hitting, kind hands" and redirected to play elsewhere

There’s a lot of attention in this response. For a neuro typical child this would be very effective. With autism any attention can fuel the fire.

I would suggest giving zero attention to this behaviour. Step between him and the girl, play/soothe/engage with her. Don’t make eye contact or verbally reference the behaviour for him.

It’s very counter intuitive but this is an extremely effective response to aggression. You only have to ignore the behaviour. If he tries to join in with you and her, react positively. If he speaks to you react positively. It’s not about punishing him it’s about eliminating that particular behaviour.

Also try and teach him an appropriate way of showing upset, at other times when he’s in the moment.

The trick is to ignore the wrong behaviour, and replace it with an appropriate one. It’s a two pronged approach.

The vipers are out early today.

Picking on an unfortunate expression multiple times isn't helpful and reflects badly on those bitching about it.

I hope this doesn't offended you Tored, because this is quite sensitive for you, but your solution only benefits you.

Asking your OH to have contact elsewhere, is going to negatively impact your DS and your step DD.

Both children will learn that

1. If you don't like someone you can just hit them and the adults will remove that person.
2. If you are getting hit, you are to blame and your punishment is to be removed from the family.

I sympathise that it is really hard for you, but I think you need to continue reinforcing hitting is wrong and applying age appropriate consequences for that behaviour.

@Tored

Jesus Christ, people can't win with you lot.

SHE IS THE OW's CHILD, CONCEIVED IN INFIDELITY

They are facts.

No baring on how she is treat.

Don't mention something... drip feeding.

Lay it out as it is... being horrible.

I want advice on how to deal with the situation between the children, not nit picking thanks.

Tored personally I think your an extraordinary person for welcoming your husband's affair child in to your family home. To have somehow overcome your problems to get to where you are now is amazing. Sod the PC brigade telling you what terminology you should use. Your not here for that. I have an autistic grandchild and they are just not aware of other childrens feelings and find it hard to operate outside there own self orietated environment.

A PP said that a lot of ADHD children struggle with younger children so it may be that.

Tbh I don’t think you can leave 2&3 year olds alone to play together in any circumstances - they’re still too young to understand about socialised behaviour.

He’s probably hitting her because she’s younger and because she’s not there all the time but visits regularly (which I suspect is why you flagged that she is the product of your H’s affair, hence doesn’t live with you full-time but visits regularly).

You say you redirect his behaviour but is he experiencing any negative consequences for hitting her? Such as time out or sth? It’s very hard when children are that small but it seems a shame for meetings to have to be elsewhere if her visits to the house are otherwise successful and enjoyable.