My son keeps hitting OH's affair child

[Tored]

I've name changed as I don't like to discuss this under my regular username but I'm a frequent poster and I'm sure a few of you will recognise my story.

A few years ago my OH cheated when I was 38 weeks pregnant, that ONS resulted in a baby being conceived. My DS is 3 and the child conceived is now 2.

I decided to stay (judge that how you will) and thus I have accepted OW's child as part of a blended family, she comes here weekly.

I have no negative feelings towards her and have grown to like her but the same cannot be said for our DS who is three and has autism.

He has other half siblings he gets on well with (older ones) and shows no aggression towards them but he will not take to this little girl and every time she's here he make a beeline for her to hit and push.

We do everything we need to like keeping them apart and reinforcing that it's not ok to hit, hitting has consequences etc but as he's autistic he doesn't actually grasp that.

Should I be suggesting OH has his contact elsewhere for both of their sakes? It's exhausting, upsetting to see and isn't changing despite best efforts to integrate them.

She has been coming here weekly for approx 8 months now.

I also think @thelegohooverer has the best response. It works well with children generally, I think.

Its funny that if she had said she left the bastard and her children will never ever see this child that would be fine

You must be new here? If she left the bastard absolutely that would be considered fine, in fact recommended. But if her children never saw the child she would be told quite firmly she didn’t need to see them but her husband should be free to integrate the child in with his. Plenty of threads have been testament to this. She would never be told it was fine for her to deny her kids the relationship.

But leaving the bastard, yup, you got that right, blokes cheating on you, when you’re pregant. And you know he’s going to do it again at some point, yeah she’d be told to leave him,

God you make me sick

Likewise! You're clearly a very miserable and morbid person to come onto a thread like this, where I'm asking for support, and to react like this.

There was me thinking Relationships is much gentler than AIBU, have I posted there by mistake?!

Thank you to those who can see that I'm coming from a place of care and concern.

DS has other half siblings on his father's side but they're much older and from his previous relationship before I knew him. I agree with PP that DS is choosing the weakest link, so to speak.

The little girl is very taken with me and wants me to play with her 1 to 1, read books with her or play with toys. I suspect this is a large part of DS resentment, because she's a frequent visitor that wants attention from me thus inadvertently taking the attention away from him.

I'm going to discuss with his paediatrican during his next appointment and in the mean time take extra precautions to ensure he can't get to her, for example shadowing him for the duration of the visit.

Just being in the same room isn't a deterrent unfortunately as he can decide to run at her at the flick of a switch, very suddenly and without warning.

Have you had other children younger than him at your house before? I think it's quite normal behaviour for some 3 year olds not to want someone else at their house, sharing their toys and the attention of their parents. As they will always be in each other's lives with weekly interactions, I think it's better to promote a positive time together. Do special activities only when she is there for him to look forward to her coming as well as reinforcing the 'kind hands' etc

My husband’s nephew was like this with ds - same age gap. He grew out of it at about 5. We had to keep a very close eye when they were together.

Hard one op!! Amazing that you’ve accepted this wee one into your life and you sound like you’ve got a lot on your plate!!

Don’t be offended but have you done some parenting classes, I’m only asking because before my sons asd assessment it was something they asked for and despite being affronted (he’s the youngest of 4) about being potentially seen as a bad parent I got over myself and realised it wasn’t for me.

And surprised myself, the course run by my council was very good and helpful & they also provided a section for children with additional needs as I found the methods worked well for my older kids but not so well for my youngest. I did triple p but lots of areas have adopted Solihull and they also have a section for kids with additional needs. It’s worth exploring with your LA/paeds/nursery.

With your step daughter i would always play with them in the same room, be beside one or the other so you can remove your son if he flies for her. I second the advice @thelegohooverer gave you. We also never do time out. My son doesn’t understand it, it makes no sense/ and doesn’t work for him. We do time in. The version you do depends on your child as no 2 children are the same so what works for my son won’t likely work for yours.

Take care op, you are trying and you care that is clear
Have fun at the park

I don't have constructive advice but so sorry OP that you have had such ridiculous and vile responses.

Plenty of women on here wouldn't even have tolerated this child in their home let alone welcomed her as part of the family.

@Tored

Jesus Christ, people can't win with you lot.

SHE IS THE OW's CHILD, CONCEIVED IN INFIDELITY

They are facts.

No baring on how she is treat.

Don't mention something... drip feeding.

Lay it out as it is... being horrible.

I want advice on how to deal with the situation between the children, not nit picking thanks.

Unfortunately your phrasing is what’s annoying people. You’ve decided to choose a really negative label for a toddler. And then compound it by being annoyed at others who call you out on this. Then you suggest a solution is that she’s removed from your child, her brother, because of his behaviour. How would you feel if it was suggested that you take your son out when she comes over? That doesn’t sound like someone who is loving towards a child. If your child hits children when he’s at school would you expect school to remove those children? Your ds needs to be supervised when she stays over, so she doesn’t get hit.

Tbh, it's quite common for slightly older sibling to be jealous of younger one, isn't it? It's easy to target younger ones because they are weaker, so the fact he doesn't do it to older half sibling is irrelevant, I think.
I don't remember myself, but I was told that when my slightly younger cousin was born, I was quite jealous of attention she got and shown a bit of aggression towards her by pushing and hitting.

They are siblings. After all, she maybe the one that he may need to rely on for support in the future when you and your dh are older.

@Tored

"He gets it from you" - Well that's complete rubbish because I'm nothing but nice to her. I have no animosity toward her whatsoever.

Most of the time he's ok with other children but there has been a handful of occasions at nursery where he has hit out, usually there's a trigger (like a child taking his toy or knocking over his tower) but in this case there are no triggers, she doesn't do anything to provoke him whatsoever.

You haven’t been nice about her in this post. I can’t imagine that doesn’t leak out.

Nobody is responsible for the sins of their father. Who by the way isn’t getting referenced as the cheating bastard.

@Tored Please ignore some of the shit responses. It's lovely that both children are getting to know each other and you're doing a great job. Most wouldn't.

Having parented an (undiagnosed) ASD toddler, I have this to add:

1. They are seriously hard work (toddler x 1000) and it can go on for years.
2. What works for NT children with respect to punishment/reward/reinforcement does not work in the same way. Time out was a bonus for my DD (she now tells us) but she was just confused about why she was there. She did not understand that others were angry or annoyed (no understanding of different tones of voice). Later, any loud noises scared her and she thought people were angry who weren't. Consequences never mattered at that age and rewards were pointless.
3. The reasons your DS is acting up may not be the usual ones. My DD (the one with autism) has no sense of jealousy at all; at that age she didn't really know there were other people there with feelings like hers. She certainly had no conception of other people being hurt in any way and has had to learn this. Fortunately, she was not a hitter. Your DS might be hitting for a reaction from his half-sister (like you would a toy) or he may be hitting because he is overstimulated and he wants her to 'stop'.
4. I don't have a good solution but specialist advice would help. In our case, eventually DD got the idea that she had to do something or other. (She was made to share and be kind to her younger brother.) Some things got better once she could tell us what the problem was. Keep being calm and consistent and just separating them when he hits. I'm sorry I don't have better advice.

Good luck.

There's alot of good advice here among the vitriol, thank you (for the kind words too)

I will definitely be speaking to professionals about it but in the mean time will do all I can to have things run smoothly at home.

PP asked if it's much better outdoors, absolutely yes. He doesn't target her at all when we're at the park or anywhere else. It's only ever at home.

Lockdown hasn't helped matters I'm sure as there's not much to do with children beside frequent visits to the park, but we have some days out planned when things open up again and I'm sure that'll help too.

To clarify, she comes 2 x weekly (occasionally she will stay over on one of these days)

This jumped out at me
It's sad that DS has identified her as competition/ a negative.
I agree it's predominantly due to his autism, he just doesn't understand

I don’t think for a minute that are treating this little girl badly, but I think the situation might be colouring your reaction to what is happening.

It’s completely natural that he sees her as competition, that is the root of most sibling jealousy.

It may be that the week gap between visits is too long so there’s a novelty factor and each time he’s getting used to her she goes again.

Might be worth considering if she could come for shorter more regular visits until they get a little older?

I've not had that experience, op, but remember when I was a very small child there were places I went where a couple of children made a bee line for me to hit and intimidate. I can clearly remember one girl and one boy. It was very distressing for a little child and I had no idea why. Of course it wasn't my fault but later on I wondered if I gave off signals of being vulnerable in some way. There's no doubt some kids are easy targets which is a shame but we have to teach our children not to take advantage of that.

This little girl is vulnerable and maybe shows it but your son is still very young. Is she the only girl in the family, I mean would he be like that with another boy (sorry if I am asking questions and you've already said)?

It would be a shame if she did not come to yours any more. The only solution is to continue telling your son off and never leave them unsupervised. He has to learn to live alongside others including those on whom he isn't overly keen. I hope his very young age is a factor and that he outgrows this but in the meantime it is horrible for your little stepdaughter who is still almost a baby.

If there is another family member, well liked and respected, outside of you and your husband, who could talk to him, it might help. It's amazing how often a good, serious talk from a relative 'outsider' makes a difference; a small child will often not want to disappoint that person if they like them.

Good luck and - from what you have said, I think you're grand.

@Tored I am not interested in the slightest what you call your DH's child.

This is just a thought, but it may be worth noting down what happens before your DS runs to hit his sibling. Does she make a loud sound/move suddenly - so could his behaviour toward her be linked to a sensory issue? With ASD there are often sensory triggers - things that neurotypical children/people don't even notice. It could be a build up of different things - the fragrance of the washing powder on her clothes, a pitch in her laugh or cry, the additional volume in the house when she visits, the fact that one or both of his parents are talking not to him - additional noise basically which he may not be able to filter out. When all added together it may be too much for him to process/cope with and he may get very anxious - the hitting could be his way of coping.

Also he could be overwhelmed by his home routine being so different on the one day that she visits. It is amazing just how differently children with ASD process the world around them.

My suggestion would be to try to really watch and listen to everything that happens to see if you can spot things that are happening before he hits her. And if you are already aware of what soothes and calms him try to implement some of those things whenever she is visiting - to try to balance out the overload for him.

Could she visit for a few other very short times on other days to see if that is not so triggering for your DS? (As well as the longer weekly visit) it may help you to spot what is going on.

As I said - just some of my thoughts - hth

In a side note

Does she have her own things at you house that just hers? Just a basket rather than sharing your sons toys?

I’m wondering if this might make a difference to him and his territory?

DD at 9 months was very aware of her ‘stuff’ and didn’t like sharing!

OP I can't comment on the autism but to me it sounds like you want to help your son whilst protecting the little girl and you sounds lovely with her and she sounds like she is happy in your company which is great.

No other smaller children come into the house no

No I haven't done any parenting classes but I am doing an Understanding Autism course with the OU. I'm starting that next week. I'm certainly prepared to take parenting classes though, in fact I think it would be a good idea.

Heading out now but I'll be back later on, thank you again x

Soontobe60, You'd have to be quite dense not to understand that this is still a painful realisation for the OP.

So many people clearly are dense though, this thread seems to be summoning them on mass. They take a point and run with it, long after the OP has explained. How is that helpful or now, even relevant?

In fairness to the OP, she’s had an awful lot to deal with, she’s welcomed the little child into her life which couldn’t have been easy.
She’s dealing with her own child’s autism, she’s asking for advice, she’s explaining how the child came to be in her life. This is an anonymous space, she’s not referring to the child as the ‘affair child’ elsewhere. And I say this as an affair child myself!

Well of course its jealousy!
To be 3, with or without autism, and have a cute 2 year old rock up once a week and take the limelight and affection is pretty hard. Is it overnight? Can you just take them out for the day now stuff is opening up?

@Radio4Rocks

The vipers are out early today.

Picking on an unfortunate expression multiple times isn't helpful and reflects badly on those bitching about it.

This!!

I have no advice OP but wanted to post just to say how brilliant a person I think you are for doing what you've done and not only bringing the child into the family but actively looking out for her and trying to protect her!

Ignore the vipers, the sunshine must have brought them out.

I understand you are coming from a place of care and concern for your OH's other child BUT... I was in your position, with my OH having an 'affair child' that was only 4 days younger than my DS, which was kept secret for me for some time. When I discovered the truth, I also decided to stay and tried to welcome the other child into our lives. The emotional toll that this took on my is impossible to understate. I worked really hard to make it work - but it was destroying me. Whatever you can do to make the relationship between your child and the other child work - great - but do not underestimate the emotional cost to you. My advice is to absent yourself whenever the other child visits, or ask your OH to arrange visitation outside of your home. This is his mess, and it should not be your problem to sort out - he should be responsible for both of his children, without placing even more of a burden on you.

FWIW I am an "affair child" and OP, I see absolutely nothing wrong with that terminology. It is after all a factual description.

As you say, it has no bearing on how she is treated when she comes to visit. I salute you for making the little girl a part of your family.

@Tored can your imagine if you said your younger DSD 🙄 there would have been a million accusations a S it would still be your fault!!

I personally know several autistic DC that either targeted one specific child and tried to physically hurt them, specifically DC smaller than them.

It would probably be easier to implement a strategy if she came for several days and you could focus on it. I hope your DS support team can help you work out the best strategy for your specific circumstances.